You know why there aren't more women in the military? Because we're born with the skills that guys still need to be trained for. We don't need to be yelled at, because we can solve problems without raising our voices or breaking a nail. We don't need to be trained in arms, because we know how to fight back without lifting a finger or breaking a sweat.

That said, the Professor sure picked the right girl for this job. Not that I volunteered, of course. I would have preferred to observe from afar and take notes for future reference or blackmail. Sort of like Jane Goodall and her apes. Getting down and dirty is definitely not my favorite pastime. But when it comes to Professor Xavier, how could I have refused? I couldn't anyway since he's got the ultra-commanding voice and authoritative aura going on, NOT to mention all the other mind control stuff he does so well. It must be a hobby because he does not need mind control to make people listen to him--they just do. Huh, I'm beginning to understand Kitty's Professor Worship now. But I digress.

So of course I RELUCTANTLY accepted the job. I suppose I do have proper credentials and a secret weapon. Namely, insider information courtesy of Logan's memories. At least it won't look too bad for Logan when a formidable enemy such as myself beats his ass.

I gasped, leaving my jaw swinging softly to the wind. The insidious Professor Xavier somehow managed to get ME to tame the Wolverine AND let Logan keep his male pride. All with that pleasant I'm-Your-Teacher-You-Can-Come-To-Me-Anytime smile on his handsome face. He didn't even get dirty. I'm telling you the man should have been born as a woman. The male population should be so lucky to have Xavier looking out for them. Let's just hope his efforts aren't wasted on Logan's thick skull.

The next step in Operation Declaw was to recruit some members for my endeavor. I think the military, headed mostly by men by the way, has the wrong idea about going door-to-door trying to get people to sign up. You don't go to them. You make them come to you! How? Well, old wise women have always said that the way to a man's heart is through his stomach, but I think it's generally true for all people. Who doesn't like food? It's like the universal currency. You need it to survive and you need to be fed before doing the other three F's they taught us in human biology. You know, fighting, fleeing, and my favorite swear word, fuckin'. Everyone eats! Besides, people will agree to almost anything when the blood in their brains drop to their stomachs.

I know the Professor said not to get Jubilee directly involved, but she would definitely be great as a consultant. So here I am, watching my first recruit, Jubilee, down yet another pixie stick in the main kitchen. After the tenth one, I stopped counting. I wasn't even able to get a word in before Jubilee zoomed in on the colorful sugar packets. "Eat first, talk later," she had muttered when she was in between the first stick and the second. I guess when you're busy spreading chaos all day, you need a lot of energy. Was it just me or did Jubilee's neon yellow jacket get brighter with each dose of processed sugar?

"So, what do you want?" Jubilee asked bluntly as she licked the last grain of sugar on the pixie wrap. Ugh, I thought I was going to be ill.

"Your metabolism," I replied as I made a face at the mess of skinny paper wrappings Jubilee left on the table. Anything to take my attention away from the fact that Jubes just ate enough sugar to revive a dead elephant. Down and dirty here I come.

"Ha! You wish," Jubes snorted, swaying happily on her barstool.

"Jubes!" I felt my vision blur as Jubes continued to bounce back and forth on her poor chair. Finally, I reached over, caught her between my hands and held her down in her seat.

"Oof!" Jubes exclaimed as her butt landed harshly on the hard wooden surface. "Dude," she sniffed as her swirling eyeballs finally settled on my face. "Hey, Cranky Rogie, what's up your ass? And why did you have to hurt mine?" She pouted, her upturned face sad, inspiring pity in everyone but anyone who knew her.

"Believe it or not, this has nothing to do with your ass," I said, feeling exasperated and giddy at the same time. She was perfect.

"You would think so," she grumbled as she rubbed her sore butt cheek.

"Do you want to be in on it or not?!"

Jubilee's blue eyes glazed over. It seems that the slightest hint of misbehavior and/or conspiracy got her riled up. I watched nonchalantly as she scrambled over the kitchen table and jerked up my shirt collar with her hands.

Excitement flushed her face and she was nearly rabid as she screeched, "Of course I'm in!"

"You don't even know what it is yet," I murmured in a careless tone.

"Who the fuck cares?! I want IN!" she yelled on top of her lungs as she slammed her palm down on the table. Creak. The table protested. Creak. Creak. CRACK! Jubilee yelped in surprise as the wood beneath her collapsed into two, leaving her surrounded by a gazillion splinters, and even more empty pixie sticks. I reached into the mess to help her up, trying desperately not to laugh. I value my life, thank you very much.

"They're so gonna pay!" Jubes growled as tears of pain sprang to her eyes.

Puzzled over the inner workings of Jubilee's mind, I asked curiously, "Who's gonna pay?" People who made the table? That's kind of bizarre, even for Jubes.

She got the glazed look again, and then looked at me as if she already knew what I was up to. I suddenly remind myself that I'm dealing with a professional here. Of course she would have an inkling of what I was planning. I guess she thought since we're going to pick on someone she might as well assign the fault of this little misfortune to our victim too.

"Whoever's ass we're going to kick," she said as a matter of fact. Her eyes glittered with vengeance. I giggled. The girl's twisted.

Perfect.

---

Everyone has weaknesses. Sometimes you can get rid of them and sometimes you can't. But I think the important thing is to find that weakness, and either get rid of it or make sure other people can't see it. Or if possible, use it to your advantage. This brings me to my other roommate, Kitty. She's too wussy: not in a bad way, just in a bad-for-mission way. It can be endearing, just not today. If Jubilee and I are going to work on Operation Declaw together, we obviously have to make sure Kitty's on our side. The girl's got a heart like an overstuffed teddy bear, so I don't see her doing anything hardcore, but she can sneak around the mansion like none of us ever could. And if the enemy camp ever catches her, she'll at least know that we're behind her all the way.

Then she won't blab.

"Here Kitty Kitty."

Kitty looked up. She saw the piece of strawberry cheesecake that I held on a plate. She saw Jubilee standing right next to me grinning her head off. She whimpered. I was almost sorry for baiting her like this. Almost. For the sake of mission I had to do it.

"Hi Kitty, I know you like cheesecake so I brought up a piece for you." --and it's strawberry. Damn it, I almost cackled. That was close.

Kitty eyed the luscious dessert in front of her. "What do I have to do?" she asked, instantly wary.

"It's a good cause, Kitty!" Jubes chimed in. Then she DID cackle.

Kitty's face scrunched up. She was tempted. Her fingers graced the smooth edge of the plate, but she didn't take the fork. I bit my lip. Finally, she tore her gaze away from the cheesecake and placed her hands on her thick physics book, like the book would keep her hands away from temptation. She worshipped the man that taught from that book. Therefore she worshipped the book. She was holding on to it like it would give her strength to resist.

"If you have to bribe me, it can't be that good."

I stared at her hands and almost banged my head against the desk. Shit, a perfectly good waste of cheesecake. Why didn't I think of that before? I gave Jubilee a look. She gave me a 'huh?'. Well, at least this meant I wasn't slow.

"Kitty." I placed my hand above hers right on the physics book. "The Professor," I started and watched her eyes go wide at the mention of her personal deity, "Told me to do it."

She looked at me with such awe I was almost ashamed of myself. She spoke up dreamily.

"I'm in."

---

In combat, no matter how good you are, you're still going to lose some people. You just have to make sure that the people you send out to scout out information are. . . well, expendable.

In short, we needed some sacrificial lambs.

So the three of us girls waited out at the boy's dorm. Here we were air-conditioned and they would be coming to us. Like I was going to waste my energy on finding them. No way, I had to conserve energy for the real thing. Kitty wanted to postpone this thing as long as possible so she didn't mind waiting. Jubes was grinning like a dork, probably thinking of the last time she conspired against the guys. Ah, memories.

"Hey! Here they come!" Jubes pounced.

St. John took one look at Jubilee's grinning face and made the sign of the cross. Bobby paled but managed a tentative smile as he approached the three of us. What a brave soul.

"Hi Bobby, want some Cheetos?" I offered the warehouse-sized pack of cheese puffs.

Never one to ignore free food, as long as it wasn't from Jubilee, Bobby took the giant bag and started to munch on the cheese treats right in front of us. St. John even made a brief appearance from behind Bobby to grab some for himself.

Stomach churning happily, Bobby asked, "So what's up?"

Jubes ignored Bobby and zeroed in on St. John, who was still cowering behind the Iceman. "Hey, St. John, what's the matter with you? Scared of little old me?"

"Geez, Jubes, leave the guy alone, huh? He still can't take a shower without me standing guard at the door." Ladies and gentlemen, Bobby the peacemaker. He should really stick to making ice.

St. John flushed a bright red. Kitty sputtered in a weak attempt to cover her laughter. I felt my lips curve in spite of myself. Damn it, I can't laugh at my own recruit! Can I?

"Oh yeah? Last time I saw, you still can't grow hair on your legs!" St. John hissed at his ex best friend.

Bobby's jaw went slack at St. John's betrayal. Us girls ended up staring at his denim-covered legs. I was wondering why he suddenly gave up on shorts this summer. But before Bobby could freeze anyone and before St. John brought out his lighter, I stepped in. First thing's first, we could always watch another fire and ice show later.

"I've got a proposition for you guys," I said softly, in my most innocent voice.

Bobby and St. John stared at me. Then at Jubes. Then at each other. Then simultaneously said, "No thanks."

Jubes rolled her eyes and muttered loudly, "Wimps."

No effect.

I lightly jabbed my elbow into Kitty's ribs. She stared at me with all the indignity she could muster, looking very much like a cat whose tail had been stepped on. But she stepped out from between Jubes and me and gently touched the guys' arms. She dragged them away from us, though the guys didn't put up much of a fight. I guess Jubes and I were scarier than Kitty was. Hell, a baby chick is scarier than Kitty. . . with all that crazy fur.

"Guys, you do know it's better for you if you're in on this too," Kitty said in her gentle soothing voice.

They stared at her like she grew another head.

"Well, if you're going to refuse, then you won't know what we're planning. Then you'll be an innocent bystander. And we all know what happens to innocent bystanders whenever Jubilee's involved, don't we?"

The guys turned and ran toward me. They held onto my gloved hands for dear life and nearly blew out my eardrums. "WE'LL DO IT!"

Hook, line, and sinker! Damn if I wasn't good.

I snickered. "All this other stuff is going to be like child's play after I'm done with Logan," I said out loud, encouraged by my success so far.

Pieces of moist cheese puffs flew. All eyes were on me as they exclaimed, "LOGAN?!"

My recruits stared at me like I've gone completely insane. Then their gazes fell to my right side. I turned to see Storm right next to me. Shit! When did she get there?! It's like one minute the coast is clear and the next thing you know, I've got Storm staring at me. Talk about unpredictable weather patterns. How much did she hear, anyway?

She smiled at us with her usual tranquility. "Guys, I came here to tell you that it's going to rain tonight so tomorrow's physical training will be moved to the Danger Room," she said. Then with a soft squeeze on my shoulder, she left.

I blinked.

Heh heh, looks like I got another recruit without even trying.

I AM good.

Logan baby, from now on, it's all downhill for you.

---

Storm found her way to the TV room and caught Logan the Wolverine relaxing on the couch. His eyes lazily followed the program on the screen. It was as if he didn't have a care in the world. She returned to the show on TV. It was COPs, a show featuring bumbling criminals on the run and the cops that hunted them down.

The speakers blared the quirky theme song. "Bad boys, bad boys, whatcha gonna do. . . "

Storm's eyes jerked to the relaxed Wolverine. Sensing eyes on him, Logan glanced up to see Storm next to him behind the couch. Her lips twitched as she watched as cops trapped the squirming criminal in the show promo.

Then as the song reached its end, Storm sang along, "Whatcha gonna do when they come for you. . . " She met Logan's puzzled face and smiled mysteriously as only the Weather Goddess could when she saw something coming and you didn't.

Leaving Logan to his show, Storm returned to the depths of the school. Logan stared after her, wondering what the hell was going on. And just as he was about to forget the whole bizarre incident, he heard Storm's hiccupping laughter echoing through the halls.

What the fuck?