'How did you know I needed you,
Was it my absence or my lack of care,
Was it in my empty chair at dinner,
That made you realise I needed you there?'

********************************************************

It had been nearly three months an now that winter was killing everything in the garden Logan finally felt the rest of him begin to sieze up. The cold wasn't enough to stop him from hurting, from the moment that grey monolith had been erected in the garden he'd known how much of himself had been buried down there with her.

He'd done what Ro' had asked him, he'd pulled the world's ass out of the fire but in the end what had it meant? Everyone was still held in the throws of the biggest arguement the world had ever seen, should they embrace the strangers that were being born around them or not? Should the kids that came here through the doors be welcomed or sent out to live in the real world where prejudice ran riot?

Smoking a cigar Logan heard the laughter of the kids behind him, they were getting ready for Thanksgiving, there were a lot more kids here than there'd been last year. If he were honest he was greatful for the crowds, they made more work for him, more chances for him to avoid what was really cutting him up inside. Blowing out warm air and watching it billow out he didn't catch the sound of someone behind him until a steaming mug of strong coffee was held out to him.

Marie.

She was there, wrapped up in that damn green duffle coat, her hood resting on the top of her skull. Her two tone hair standing out in the darkness, a mug of her own resting in her gloved grip.
He took the pre-offered mug and took a deep swig, the burn of the coffee being superceeded by the huge slug of brandy that was hidden under the dark black surface. Choking back a cough he just pushed away from the railing and turned to look at Marie as her own gaze went out across the snow covered gardens.

They spent a few minutes in silence until Marie broke it, her voice level but her nerves were screaming at him from the warm undercurrents that were escaping her coats confines.
"Ah know what you're doin' Logan an it won't work sugar." She let her hand lift the steaming mug to her lips and swallowed her nerves with it.
"What?"
Marie didn't change her view of the world she just breathed out into the frost laden air.

"Ah know what you're tryin' to do to everyone Logan an Ah'm here to tell ya that it aint gonna work." She took a small sip of the coffee before adding, "Not this time."

Curious he let himself rest against the wooden railing his back feeling the snow melt against his denim and cool his skin. He'd not been around Marie of late, the last he'd really seen of her was when she'd left to get the cure. He didn't even know if she'd done it, as far as he knew she was happy with Bobby. Mind you he'd been in his own little world o'hurt for the last few months, only functioning on one level, the one that involved working so much that he was dreamless when he eventually allowed himself to drop into exhaustion.

When her gaze did land on his own curious gaze he felt it enter his armour and smash straight through it, revealing everything he was feeling to her and he was grateful when she looked away first.
"Ah know you don't do this....ya don't 'talk' but ya gotta sometime Logan. Ah'm just lettin ya know that Ah'm here for ya, no strings, no expectations, nothin but an ear to bend." Her gloved hands wrapped around her mug tightly as she took another sip of the dark brew inside it.

Logan took a good look at her, a real 'look' and he realised that she'd changed while he wasn't looking. Gone was the coltish girl/woman he thought he'd known, she was something else now. Not entirely grown up but on her way there, she slid her gaze sideways and caught him looking at her, a small half smile on her lips. Her head dropping down and hiding her face from him for a moment, giving him a chance to look away and turn back to face the cold gardens.

"Ah didn't do it...." The words lay in the frost laden air, dancing over the ground to finally land in his ears.
"What?"
"The 'cure', Ah didn't take it." Her breath plumed as she let the weight of her words go free, each one seeming leaden to him and making her struggle to give them birth.
"Ya were right, it *was* the wrong decision to make, Ah wasn't thinkin' about *me*, only Bobby. What Ah wanted from him, thing was if it had mattered that much to him he'd have found a way round mah mutation. Nearly a year together an he never even tried, that shoulda told me somethin'."

Her wisdom was hard earned and she swallowed the bitterness that sounded out of her along with the liquid that was just as bitter as her words sounded. Logan remembered the night she'd left, the way she'd stood there, all confused and needy. He'd been too torn up about Jean to even notice her to be honest and when he'd finally noticed she wasn't there when the kids had suited up with him his heart had hardened to her. She'd made her decision and in reality it had been her mistake to make but he'd felt let down when she hadn't stood with him.

As if she could read his thoughts she shifted closer to his arms, dropping her voice as she lifted her mug to her lips again. "Ah do regret not bein' there Logan, to help ya. I know how hard it musta been to see her stood there, knowin what you knew ya had to do about it, about her." Her gloved fingers unwrapped from the mug and he felt the warmth transfer from it's cotton surface into his cool skin. Her voice sounded tearful as he looked at her fingers on his own, the way they were so small against his larger, darker skinned ones.
"Gawd, Ah wish Ah could've done it different but then they say hindsight is always 20/20." She moved her fingers away and he felt the loss immediately, the warmth of her had been good. He'd been keeping himself seperate from so many for so long.

Sniffing she emptied her mug while he had yet to take another drink from his loaded one. Marie turned and leaned against the rail, her body close enough to him now to feel the heat coming from her clothed body. Her shoulder resting against his arm, her voice cracked and the scent of salt heavy in the air around them both. He wouldn't or couldn't admit to who was actually crying but it didn't matter, not right now.

"Ah'd better see ya at breakfast Logan, because by Gawd I'll find ya and force ya ta eat the damn buffet!" Marie threw her head back to look at the skies that were heavy with snow, the clouds reflecting light back down at them. The twin white streaks in her hair catching his eye and his hand went up to touch them, reminding him of how she got them in the first place. A slight smile on her face as she let him get near her face to touch them, he'd been the only one she'd ever allowed close to her. She still trusted him enough to let him touch her like this, even after everything that had happened.

"Ah thought about dyin' em once, someone called me a 'skunk-head' at the mall. I even bought the damn dye, ended up givin' it to Jubes. See there was somethin I'd forgotten an it took Ol Pete to remind me of it." Her eyes locked onto his own and Logan saw the red rimmed eyes smiling at him as much as her lips did.
"Wolverine's have stripes too, just over their eyes, a band of white hair, sometimes cream but it's there. Kinda made me remember that strength isn't always visable, just because someone calls ya a skunk don't mean that they couldn't have just mistaken a wolverine for one."

Marie moved away from him then, her words laying on his skin like a warm blanket, her gaze dropped to the mug in her hand. "Make sure ya drink all that Logan, not sure someone else would survive the mix Ah've put in there." With that she pushed away from him and let herself walk away from him back to the light where life was still goin on. Her form not lost in the backwash of light to his eyes, her face still visable to him and she smiled at his understanding. He knew what she was offering him, a life line, one he hadn't even realised he'd needed until now.

As she went inside he watched her move through the crowded room, her body touching some and avoiding others. Her smile wasn't absent but it had lost some of it's fire as she passed her old group of friends. There was something she'd missed out on with them, she hadn't fought by their side and so she was a little distant from them now. She tried to not let it show but it was obvious to him in the way she shifted through them, her fingers resting on Bobby as a friend now. No longer fuelled with the passion of earlier months, things had *changed* and he'd missed it.

Lifting the mug he downed what was left of the nearly cold coffee, something rattled against his teeth. Tipping the now empty mug upside down he took out the small key, the tiny thing looked like he'd snap it if he used it. Yet his memory fired and he knew where it was for, the potting house. Ro' had several of them and kept them locked because of the supplies inside. When he looked back up Marie was nowhere to be seen but the sense of her was all around him. Pulling the key into his pocket he finally went back inside, the light filling the hole he felt inside himself. It'd do, for now.

'How did you know,
Which things hurt
And which slice me open when I swallow,
Needing is never easy to admit,
Now more than ever.'

**********************************************************

Christmas was here.

Lights, laughter, joy, kids running rampant, sugar and presents, baking smells and food runs that went into the thousands. It was as if everyone was giving it a thousand percent this year, even some of the old students had returned to help out, Bringing family and friends showing the residens that the world wasn't as hopeless as they'd thought it was. That there was a point to doing what they were doing, by living and sharing life with the people around them.

Pity he didn't feel it. He'd been a little more open, come to breakfast, eaten lunch in the kitchen and made appearances at dinner. Marie always there watching him eat, her own meals being eaten in his eyeline, she was busy with several classes but she made sure to check in with him at least once in the day. Whether it was to ask for him to pass the peas or to just pass him in the corridor and smile at him. He hadn't felt the ache as badly for a while but now the celebrations were gearing up he wanted to leave. Thing was he couldn't, Ro' had brought the snow down so the kids could play in it. They were going to have a perfect christmas and the last thing they needed was a Grinch at the feast. The key burned in his pocket, he'd taken to carrying it around with him, just in case. The weight of it suddenly increasing he tore out of the laughter and didn't notice a pair of dark brown eyes following his footsteps.

The shed was warm, cosy almost, the smell of rich topsoil and compost almost making up for the chemical smell of the weedkillers. There was a table in the one the key opened, a bottle covered in dust, a kettle, two mugs and a jar of instant expresso.
The kettle had just switched off boiling when he sensed her just outside the door, "You might as well come in, I can hear you breathin."

Marie opened the door, her body wrapped up in her green duffle again, this time her hood was fully drawn over her face. There was an extra smell with her too, sugar and cinnamon, her hand in her pocket she closed the door behind her before dropping the hood and turning the small gas heater up a little so she could see better. When her glvoed hand came out of her pocket a few reindeer shaped biscuits came out with it. Dropping them on the table she kept one and nibbled on the edge of it.

Logan had heard the kids talking about the baking, realising that it had been Marie who'd led the class. Seeing the little sugar frosted hooves and antlers he gave a smile as she bit into her creation.
"You know that Santa's reindeer are female don't ya? Only females retain their antlers in the middle of winter, kind of makes all those names meaningless when you think about it." Her introspective gaze didn't move but she did stop nibbling on her stolen treat.

"When were ya goin' to tell me Logan?" The words dropped cold ice into his stomach, he'd hoped to avoid this but now she was here he couldn't run away from it.
"I wasn't."

Her gaze pinned him to the chair he was sat in as his hands made the coffee, making his extra strong and hers just this side of bearable. Handing her the mug she took it gratefully as he swigged the dark heady mixture feeling the caffiene rush go round his blood. Marie's gaze didn't move from him when he finally looked back at her. She was angry with him and he decided it was time to defend his decisions.
"It's not such a big deal Marie."

Her silence made him rethink his words when she just sat back and scrutinised him. Her eyes softening as she looked through him and gave it some thought.
"Okay. But you promise me something."
"What?"
'Promise', the word that still tied him to her even now, the word that had slipped from his lips all that time ago.
"Promise me Logan," her words were sharp and he knew he'd have to agree.
"Tell me what to first an then I'll see."

Marie shook her head and pulled on the hot coffee in her hands, "No, you promise me *first* then I'll tell you." Sighing Logan felt his internal battle raging, he wanted to be there with her but there was a part of him that was screaming that he owed her nothing and who was she to ask him 'anything'.
Sighing he just rested with the cup on his stomach as his eyes roved over Marie's huddled shape in the warming fug of the shed.
"Okay, I *promise*." A small smile quirked along her face and she let her coat open a little, revelaing her scent to him. Pleased, surprised and calm she let him know just what he'd promised himself to.
"Christmas dinner, with me, here."

He sat back in shock, his hand nearly crushed the mug into bits, eyes scanning the decor around them and the stink of the weedkiller over riding the sweet smell of the peat.
"WHAT?!"
"You heard me Logan, you're not spendin' Christmas in your room, *alone*." She emphasised the word 'alone' and she moved forward to where she was only a few feet between him and her. Her gaze was soft and in the light of the heater she looked older, calmer, her dark eyes roving over his own features, trying to find his reasons on his face.

"Ah know ya don't want ta be here Logan, hell Ah knew that when the first snow's came down just before Thanksgivin'. If it hadn't been for Ro' ya'd be out there now." It was just the way she said it that made him wonder if she'd had words with the weather goddess about him. She beat him to it, "An before ya ask, no Ah didn't. It was all Ro's idea, she wanted the kids to have a Christmas to remember."
She drank a little more coffee and her mouth made an interesting shape, "Jeez Logan what're tyin to do turn mah kidneys into raisin's?" She added more warm water to her mug and took a sip, "Better." Her eyes locked with his and he saw her weighing him up in her gaze. Offering him a reindeer cookie she held it out until he took it from her.

He played with it until his nose took over and his stomach decided it wanted to see if it tasted as good as it smelled. It went in two bites while Marie was still nibbling on her own. The others followed the one he'd devoured, Marie's eyes sparkled as she watched him eat.
"So, what now?"
Logan wiped his hands and looked at her, she'd gotten him to promise that he wouldn't leave here, that he'd have dinner with her in here instead of the main hall. He'd made the decision and it had come out in conversation with Ro' as she'd been making the seating plans.

Ro' had just blinkd at him and shrugged, she had too much on her mind to worry about him yet when Marie had found out she'd been on his trail. Waiting until he made the move to his bolt hole, the one she'd given him.
"What do you want from me Marie?" He felt tired, worn to the bone and all the celebrations were driving him insane. He didn't feel jolly, or happy, just numb and there was nothing he could do about it. He'd been disgusted by the thought of his usual escapes, drink and whoring. They'd just leave him more empty and he knew it, besides with the snow so deep he'd have to walk out and back. Frostbite is a bitch to heal and if he didn't need to expose himself to it he wouldn't.

She just lifted her gaze from her mug and bored her pretty brown eyes into his own. Her lips quirking into a soft smile as she answered him, her voice as loud as a hurricane in the small womb like space they occupied.
"What do Ah want Logan?" She laughed lightly and she sound reminded him of sleighbells, light and etherial, "Nothin' sugar, nothin. All Ah want is ya to be happy, peaceful, content. An if that means eatin dinner with ya out here in the cold then Ah'll do it."

Something occured to him as she was putting her mug down and making herself ready to leave, he grabbed her arm and she stopped dead. Throwing back her hood to look him directly in the face, "What?"
He didn't know how to ask her tactfully so he just blurted it out, "Won't Bobby miss you at dinner?" The soft look of pain bloomed in her gaze and he saw the pink of her eye bloom red wiht blood. Blinking she looked down and forced herself to calm before looking back at him.
"No he won't Logan, he hasn't missed me since you got back from Alcatraz." With that she opened the door on the cold and left him there, stood at the door to his little haven. Her footsteps soon being filled by the blown snow, as if she'd never been there.

Logan's mind went back to the first time he'd met her, lost and alone in the winter cold. Her body half frozen and suddenly there was a reason to be *here*, watching her as she entered the kitchen. A shape nearly lost to him in the winter cold, but only now was he seeing how much he could've lost if he'd left her by the side of the road.

'Just how long do you think I'll live?
A hundred,a thousand more?
Is it worth the pain,
Of losing everyone I Love?'

**********************************************************

He could still smell the cranberries in here, the stuff had kinda dripped off his plate. The red sticky berries had made a good sauce for deer but he still hadn't been sure it was meant to look like the blood of the deceased animal.

Marie had told him that as she'd set their plates down on the small rickety table in the shed. The presents had been opened to multiple screams and cheers, the extra hands had been very useful in the end, seeing as some presents were repeated. He'd managed in a way to stand apart from everyone but they hadn't really made a huge issue about it. Too busy with everyone else more than likely, breathing out cigar smoke in the small space, the cuban in his hand worth someones weekly wage here. He hadn't looked at the tag he'd just torn open the package taken it out here and kept it in here.

Even now as the smoke curled around his body he could feel the winter outside, the cold of it, the bitterness that was heading in off the ocean. Ro' had warned everyone about it ahead of time but the were fine, they had the back up generator. An him, he had a small gas heater out here in his semi-wilderness shed. Marie had labelled it that on Christmas day, she'd looked tired when she'd come to visit him out here. Her hands filled with dinner, her shoulder carrying dessert and a bottle of whiskey tucked into her pocket. He had to admit though, it had been good, just him and her, no agenda, nothing but company. Sure they talked about the school but she avoided the painful subjects like Jean and the Professor. Although she had said she might have some news about that later, about which direction the school was taking.

For once he'd actually enjoyed Christmas day, not missing out on the noise but having something calm and simple. Something and someone to be thankful for, although the conversation had taken a little odd turn when he'd been asking about the stuff the kids had been doing. He replayed the conversation in his head.
"A Mummers Play, it was Hank's idea." He'd quirked his head to the side and looked through her waiting for her to continue with a fork filled with food. Seeing him waiting she'd filled in the gap in conversation, "It's an old play, two kings fight over a maiden who's untouchable to either of them. The kings fight, one dies but comes back to life, the other wins the hand of the maiden until they fight again. Hank explained it better but the kids enjoyed it, they kinda lost the plot at one point an both kings ended up dead." She answered him with a smile and had told him that the kids had used the X-Men and the Brotherhood as the opposing sides. The silence had stretched out there for a moment until he'd asked which people they'd played.

Marie had been quiet and her gaze had become distant, her throat constricting a little making her have to take a drink to swallow. Finally when she had what she'd told him had made her blush and her scent go through the roof.
"They used Magneto as the one who killed the 'King'," she left out who'd played the king until he'd pressured her, thinking it would've been Scott. Her eyes hadn't met his while she'd taken the large plates away and ducked into the cooler bag for the dessert. Her voice sounding out as she raised the dishes onto the table, the words still echoing around his head days later.
"You, the King that died and came back again was you."

It was over the cool dessert that he put the pieces together, they'd made a play out of the incident on Liberty Island. So that would've meant that the maiden....when his gaze had hit hers she blushed skyward as she saw him work it out. Silence had reigned through the rest of the food, although the coffee and whiskey chaser had loosened her tongue later.

"The kids had little outfits too, I've never seen Magneto look so 'small' and you so...so...'determined'." She was laughing and he knew it was the amount of whiskey in her or she wouldn't have been so open about this point in their life. She never brought it up, ever. As if his sacrifice for her was too sacred to even mention, he'd nearly died for her and she *knew* that he'd never risked half as much for anyone else. It was too important to use in conversation between them, everyone has a history and that was a huge part of theirs.

She'd told him how they'd played the scene, 'Mags' bending the other kid over while the 'maiden' stood resplendant in her green cloak and dyed wig. The so called 'death' of him when 'Mags' had been taken down by a lightning bolt (which in reality had been Scott). The maid slumped and fallen in her cage, 'he'd' torn open the cage, touched her, brought her to life and 'died' only to be brought back to life by a fuzzy little blue kid mimicking Hank. The entire house had erupted in cheers and she'd slipped away to bring their dinner out here while everyone else went into the dining room to eat.

He'd watched her expressions as she'd described it to him, her face becoming soft, as if replacing the real fighters in the scene she'd seen. When he'd caught her eye he'd asked her what she'd been thinking about, her words to him had been simple and heartfelt.
"Ah'm just wishing it could've been that simple Logan."

He'd left off the questioning after that, sometime in the early hours he'd carried her back into the mansion. Dropping her into her room where he saw the haul of presents all around her room, several were open and they all looked the same. Clothing, scarves, gloves, small bits of jewellry she could pin to the clothing that covered her skin. It made his heart ache, that he hadn't given her anything, she'd been the one to recognise his pain and yet he'd not given her anything in return.

Dropping her off in her room he'd gone stalking through the mansion now it was quiet, he'd been passing the library when he'd heard muffled voices. Thinking it could be an intruder he went to look, what he saw instead reminded him that he wasn't the only one who was alone.
Kitty and Bobby, wrapped up together on the large soft sofa in here, Bobby had a stupid plastic mistletoe dangling over them both. As if they needed an excuse to be together and it was the look of utter joy in their faces that rang the counterpoint to the sorrow and bitterness that he'd heard in Marie's voice.

Turning away he'd gone to his room, opening the door and finding a few more presents left on his bed. They'd been quickly identified, more booze, a knife (as if he needed more of them), cigars, a hip flask (Jesus did they think he was an alcoholic?). Yet it was the small one near his pillow that caught his attention, obviously a book he tore the wrapping off. Inside was a small volume of Japanese poetry, original language, no stumbling translations here. The pages were old, yellowed at the edges, thin black and white illustrations filled some of the pages. He stood there for what seemed like an age just flicking through the book when he caught a small piece of paper inside the volume. Written on thin rice paper the words small but perfect, they read 'I hope I got it right, your memories are a little confused sometimes. Not everything about your past was bad Logan, I hope you can remember that. Love and Merry Xmas, Marie.'

He'd slumped to the bed and sat on the edge of it, the scent of salt filling the air, his hands clutching the slim volume to his chest as if it were her. Too many times had he looked into the darkness and only seen the slavering beast he thought he was. Yet she'd seen all of him, and she'd found the man in the animal, seen the desire for control over his heart of darkness. Breathing in the scent of the book, reminding him of cherry blossom in spring. Of bitter green tea made in such a small space like the one he had now, a place out of the world, a sacred place to harmonise the inner and outer worlds.

Realising at last why Marie had been watching out for him, she *cared*, she *loved* him, all of him. It wasn't a crush, wasn't a love where she expected hearts an flowers, wasn't even sexual in a way. It was what the Shinto monks had told him on his journey through the country, that love comes from the joining of ones own nature to the will of the divine within. To hold the heart clean of ill will or sin is the best a man can do and she'd given him the space to do it. Even when he would've denied that he needed it.

So here he was, the New Years party was still going, the ice that covered the snow brittle and razor sharp. Laughter ringing out over the winter wonderland in front of him, he'd come out here to get away from the suits and the smiles. Another year was coming to a close, the voices of the crowd were filling the air as he breathed out a cloud of perfumed smoke. A voice just as rich met his ears and made him turn to look toward it's owner. "Yah should give those up ya know, not everyone round ya has a healin' factor like you do." Marie.

She was dressed in jeans, a huge jumper, thick gloves, boots, her ever present green duffle and a smile on her lips. The noise from the party subsided as he turned his senses to her, watching as she slid past him into the warmth of the small shed. Shrugging off her coat she saw the book of poetry on the small table, smiling she picked it up. Her fingers clothed in gloves running over the surface and flicking through the pages. Her eyes held a smile and he took the book from her hand and flcked to a page. Handing it back to her he motioned to her to try to read it, sometimes she had the ability to read several langauges if she concentrated hard enough. Her smile quirked at the side of her mouth as she looked at the characters on the page. Seeing her mouth the words as her mind worked it out, he knew what the lines said, he'd found them when he'd been out here earlier. It kind of said everything he wanted to say.

Her gaze lifted to his and the smile never wavered once, she opened her arms and hugged him tight to her, the book resting on his back. He was telling her in his own way that he appreciated her, for everything she'd done, for the time, the effort, the *care*. The words of the poem echoing around his head as he held her tight to him, the echoes of the New Year going of behind them. Jubilee's bright flashes fireworking into the cold night, his lips mouthing the simple words as Marie held onto him.
'Akiyama no,
momiji wo shigemi
madoinuru
imo wo motomemu
yamamichi shizaru mo'

(The Mountains in Autumn,
There are so many fallen leaves,
Looking for my lost beloved woman,
I cannot find the path.)

Marie had found him, found him, brought him back from the wildnerness he'd been losing himself in, given him a halfway home in a potting shed. Loved him without price, or cost to herself and that was the biggest present she could ever give him.

She sighed as he held her close to him, just enjoying the feel of someone next to his body. Realising that this was the closest anyone had been to him since summer. Losing his tears in her hair as he wished her a happy new year, she whispered the same into his shirt. Her tone a little sad but he didn't question why, all that mattered was that someone was touching him. Pity it was the untouchable girl that had risked everything to do it, but then that was who Marie was. Breathing her in he closed his gaze to the fireworks and let his own blood tell him how great the world felt.