Love hurts



I didn’t have to knock; I just walked right into Logan’s room. He was sitting at the foot-end of his bed, watching TV, but he didn’t look up when I stepped in.

“I knew you’d come” He said and I looked at him, taking in his appearance. Wild, untameable hair and mutton-chops that hadn’t been in fashion since the corset’s days. His mouth, which at the moment had formed a small, smart-ass grin, and his eyes, which had moved from the TV to me, studying me. I could lose myself in their hazel depths, and I didn’t look away from them.

“Ah know.” He stood up and moved towards me, like a predator stalking on its prey, and I shivered in anticipation. He moved closer and closer, until we were standing only an inch apart. “Do it.” I demanded and he crashed his mouth against mine in a searing kiss that almost left me breathless. His oh-so-experienced hands went everywhere, lighting fires, and I moaned against his mouth. He turned us around so that my back was against the bed, and moved forwards so that I fell down on my back with Logan on top of me like a big blanket. As he started to kiss my neck I let out small moans and groans, and I was surprised that I could even speak.

“More” He did as I asked, as always, and soon we were moaning, gasping and sweating. Like always. I came with a cry of his name on my lips, and he with mine. Afterwards he tried to pull me close, but I stood up. “Ah’ve gotta go” I could hear him sigh as I put on my satin nightgown and searched around for my underwear. It was always like this. I came every night after the sun had gone down, and stayed till the break of dawn. Every night I came to him, for the same reason every time. So that he could heal me. Save me from the darkness I was falling deeper and deeper in to. I felt that soon, I would be too deep in for rescuing.

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I turned around just as I opened the door, and his eyes lit up, still hoping.

His eyes, they were so different from time to time. Black with anger, hazel with love, and yellow when the Wolverine stepped out. He was hard to read, almost impossible. His constant mask, shielding him from the world, from getting hurt.

“I love you Marie.” He said and I snapped out of my daze. He was still sitting in bed, the sheet the only thing covering him, and he made no attempt to put up his usual barrier, so I could read every emotion on his face.

“See you later.” I said and then I left, closing the door silently behind me. I walked slowly down the hall, towards my room in silence. The bare souls of my feet moved soundlessly against the rug and I pushed a piece of white hair from my face. For every door I passed I thought about the people who were sleeping so innocently in there. They knew nothing about mine and Logan’s nightly routines, and I was planning on having it stay that way.

We had been doing this for months, ever since Bobby broke up with me a month after I took the cure. For being able to touch again, it devastated me that I had no one to touch. That was until Logan started to make moves on me. I knew that he was heart-broken from killing Jean, and only saw me as a consolation prize, but that was what I wanted too. No strings attached, screwing at night and ignoring each other daytime. I couldn’t risk falling in love with him, love only gave you pain. I knew that first-hand.

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When I came to my room, I found it empty. I didn’t mind. Jubes was living in the dorm of the college she was attending, and I had the room to myself. I closed the door silently behind me and walked in the dark to the bathroom. I looked at myself in the mirror, hating what I saw. I didn’t look any different from before I took the cure, from when I first slept with Logan, from the time when I was truly happy, content. I sat down on the bathroom floor and took out the razor-blade I kept taped up under the sink so that Logan wouldn’t see it. I studied it for a while, liking the way the light reflected in the sharp surface before I held out my left wrist and dragged the blade slowly over my wrist, up towards my elbow. It made a shallow inch long gash, and I looked down at my wrist as the blood started to seep out and drip on the floor. Both my wrist were already scarred with my previous attempts to relieve myself from the pain I felt constantly, and I had started dressing in long-sleeved tops again, to cover up the scars.

When I started to feel a bit dizzy I took out an already bloodied towel and pressed it on my wrist to stop the bleeding. I didn’t want to die yet; I didn’t deserve to die yet. I wanted to feel the pain a bit longer, because that’s what I deserved. For taking the cure, for using Logan as I did. I knew that he had fallen in love with me, or so he said. So I deserved the pain for using him, for breaking his heart every night. He would never admit it though; the big bad Wolverine didn’t get a broken heart. But Logan did.

I cleaned of the blood from the razor-blade and stuck it under the sink again before I went to bed, still pressing the bloody towel against my wrist. The same old thought ran through my head; why should I live when there was nothing to live for?


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“Hey Marie, what’re you doing?” I looked up when I saw Bobby standing next to the bench I was currently occupying.

“It’s Rogue” I said coldly, only Logan was allowed to call me Marie, and Bobby sat down next to me.

“I know what you’re doing” He stated and I looked at him. Only a month ago I would have said that his face was beautiful, but not now.

“Excuse me?” I asked, a frown on my face and Bobby looked at me.

“You and Logan. I’ve seen you, and heard you” I gave no response to that, I only stood up and walked away. “Whore!” He called after me and I looked back at him. His face was twisted into a snarl, and I kept on walking. As I came to outside Storm’s room, her voice was heard from the inside.

“Rogue, could you come here for a second?” I walked in slowly, a far away look in my eyes, and Storm gave me a genuine smile. “How are you feeling Rogue?” I only shrugged and Storm put a comforting hand on my shoulder. “If you ever need to talk, I’m here for you” She said and I nodded before I walked back into the hallway. I hadn’t smiled for over a month. I hadn’t laughed for over a month. I couldn’t feel happiness, I couldn’t feel anything, I was numb.

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When I came to his room the next night, something had changed. He wouldn’t look at me, he only stared at the wall. He seemed distant and I wondered what could have changed.

“Logan…” I whispered and sat down next to him, putting my hand on his thigh. That’s when he snapped, I think. He pushed me down on the bed and in only a second he was on top of me, kissing me, and pushing himself hard against me. It had never been like this before. Not this rough. He took me hard and fast, and I bit my lip until I tasted blood not to squeal in pain. He hurt me, the pain was too much for me to handle. When he was done he stood up, got dressed and walked into the bathroom. I smoothed down my hair and wrapped the sheet around me and stood up. When he came out from the bathroom I looked up at him, and his eyes was black with anger, and flicked yellow at times.

“I hate you.” I was taken by shock. He had never said that to me before. “Get dressed and get out” He said with a growl and turned his back towards me. I stared at his back for a second, and then got dressed, cleaned myself and looked at him again, through teary eyes this time, but he didn’t turn around, so I left.

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As I sat on my bathroom floor, I wanted to end it all; make all the pain go away. I looked at the razor-blade in my hand. I lifted up my wrist and stared at the blue veins running under the skin of my wrist, they were nearly not visible under all the scars. I wondered if it would be painful. Dying. That’s when I made my decision. I’d done a lot of god awful things, but making Logan hate me, that was the thing that pushed me over the edge. I stood up and walked out to my bedroom and over to my desk. There I pulled out a paper and a pen and wrote down a few sentences, my last words, the only thing he needed to know. I locked my bedroom door before I walked back into the bathroom and sat down again, my back against the wall, my legs in an Indian-style position. I left the bathroom door open, and the darkness of my bedroom seemed welcoming.

Magneto was still in my head, along with Logan and Cody. O’le Magneto was cheering me on, telling me to do it, and for once, I did as I was told. I dragged the razor-blade down my wrist again, harder this time, and I hissed in pain as the blood started to leak out, and run down my arm. I switched hands and did the same on my right wrist, which was a lot harder considering that I was loosing blood fast. The tears that were falling down my face mixed with the blood and dripped onto the floor.

After a few seconds, I started to feel really weak and dizzy, so I put down the razor blade and stretched out my legs in front of me. It felt almost like taking a painkiller and drifting off into a deep sleep. I sat there, staring at the photo of me and Logan from a few years ago, when we first met, that I had brought in with me. It was taken outside in the gardens, I was looking down, a small smile on my lips, and Logan looked at me, one of his rare smiles grazing his lips. I wondered how long it would be until someone found me. How long would it take until I was missed?

I looked up from the photo when I heard someone knocking on my bedroom door.

“Marie? Are you okay?” It was Logan; and I knew that he could smell the blood, so he would be in here soon. My eyes were becoming more difficult to hold open, I could feel the darkness enveloping me. With my last bit of strength I looked at the photograph again. I tried to speak, words coming out, and I wasn’t sure if he was close enough to hear me.

“Ah…love…you…Logan.”