'I never noticed,
Didn't see until it was too late,
How much you presence made life worthwhile,
All that is left of you fits in my hand.'

************************************

There were too many kids, he'd been onto Ororo to get some more safe houses sorted out in the city, for the older kids at least. They were being stretched to capacity here and tempers were fraying.

He was on room duty, making the few remaining rooms in the far wing habitable, he had his room out here. He got some peace and quiet, he did the room allocations on his wing and he'd made sure to include the kids who had gifts like him. When a loud noise hurts your hearing for three days you tend not to get stereo's balring out at all hours.

The few that were left to clear were along the far edge of the floor, it was only when he opened the door that the memory of her rose in his mind like a ghost.

Marie.

She'd left soon after they'd gotten back from Alcatraz, there had been so much to do and so many things that had been vying for his attention he hadn't noticed her abscence until he'd seen Kitty with Bobby. Kitty's laugh was higher than Marie's had been and he'd taken a step back and asked Bobby where Marie *was*. Bobby had paled and told him that Marie had been gone for a month, she'd left when he'd been gone with Ororo to sort out the will and the trust fund for the school. He'd been so busy he'd never even noticed her empty space in his life.

Shaking himself he set his hand to the task in front of him, he had to do some work to the bathroom and the floor in here. There were three kids who had 'mass' issues that were heading here, everything needed strengthening. Putting down his tools he began moving the furniture out into the hallway, starting with the large dresser. The pale envelope that slid onto the floor passed unnoticed until his boot slid on it. Grabbing the thing he lifted it to the light, the flap was unsealed but it had a letter inside. Pulling it out he let his eyes scan the page covered in neat handwriting, not recognising the hand that wrote it but the first few words made the difference between a stranger and a loved one.

'He doesn't even know I exist anymore, I'm a ghost, a fixture of the house, someone to sit with because it's what's 'expected' of him.
I could stand there completely naked and painted bright blue and he wouldn't even see 'me'. Mind you that's a hard thing for me to do anyway, not with everyone inside me clamouring for attention. God how I wish I could just step off the world and finish all this. To have died up there would have been better than this half life, this listlessness, constantly battling voices that scream at me when I try to sleep.

Momma told me to write to God when things were bad an how many letters littered the back roads of god knows where on my way to here. Written on the back of candy wrappers, hell even toilet paper once if you remember. Anything not to have the thoughts unspoken you know, anything to have them recognised as something worth feeling.

I should feel lucky, I mean I died, Jean told me I was dead for a few minutes, she 'felt' me die. She watched as Logan did his best to help me but part of me can't help wondering what she meant the day after. She told me that I should 'leave him his space, let him recover' even with his thoughts running through my head it was enough to see the hope in her eyes. That she'd be the first one he'd see when he woke up, she got her wish an me....well I'm alive. I'm grateful I really am, but what do I do now? What happens now, where do I go from here, knowing what I know, feeling what I feel, would he even understand if I tried to tell him or would I get another lecture about leaving him his 'space' from Jean?

I just wish you'd answer me sometimes, having a God is no use if you don't help me out sometimes.'

The pages were brittle, the lines faded but he knew the hand that had written them, Marie. Her mind was on here, a prayer to a God she still hoped could help her, even after all that had happened to her. She'd still held out hope, still wondered what else was out there for her. He'd tried to remember the days after Liberty Island, the thing was he'd remembered that she looked okay, she'd been smiling but that could have been what was expected of her. Reading this was an insight into who she'd really been, what she'd really felt. The room was forgotten and he began tearing the furniture from the walls to find any others she'd hidden from the eyes of the world. Her silent prayers to a God she hoped would listen to her, when everyone else had abandoned her, including him the one who'd told her he'd protect her no matter what.

*********************************

Evening found him out by the lake, a bottle in between his knees and a sour air around him. Three extra letters as well as the first one he'd found, their pages aged by dust and heat. He could sense Ororo coming and by her footsteps she wasn't happy with his sudden downing of tools. Before she even got close he just held up the most recent letter to her to see, when the weather witch didn't take it he got up and forced it into her hands. His eyes dark and threatening as he crowded her, stinking of whiskey and anger, frustration making his muscles twitch in their need to express the emotions he was bottling up in his body.

When he did speak to her it was mono-sylabbic and they held the weight of comtempt within them.
"READ IT." Ororo finally let her gaze drop to the cream pages, the letterhead of the school emblazoned on top of them. Ororo began to read the page but Logan's grip around her wrist tightened, his voice growling out his words as the clouds scudded across the sky in her fear.
"OUT LOUD, YOU'LL REMEMBER IT BETTER!" The bitter hatred filled the air between them as she began to read the words Marie had left behind, her final prayer to a God that had abandoned her.

"I know I don't fit here anymore, ever since the day the cure was televised, ever since I ran to make my choice of life instead of a prison.
I'm the enemy, the mutant who doesn't want to be belong, who isn't happy being 'different'. Thing is I went, I stood in line, I waited with the rest of the scared and afraid.

But I didn't do it, I couldn't, my momma's face would just pop up every time I moved forward. Her voice telling me to thank you for making me the way you did, that God didn't make mistakes. I nearly stopped her until Logan got in on the act, his faded voice from Liberty telling me to hold on. To 'trust my instincts' and I did, when the white coats came for me I was already gone and running back.

Used my head though, got some spray plasters and covered everything that showed. It worked too, everyone touched me, everyone except those that mattered. I don't blame Ro' for hating me, just like I don't blame Bobby for dumping me. They were making a choice just like I am now.

The only thing I'm happy for is Logan, he's found a home here, they need him more than I do. Hey I still have his voice in my head when I concentrate on it, even like the taste of beer some days. Ro' needs him, the kids need him, he's strong, capable much much more than I ever could be. So I'm going, fading away into the background again, there's so much going on they'll never notice another empty bed. I'm sure the next tenant will need it more than I will, never got to see Alaska, maybe this time I'll make it. That is if you don't put another man in need of rescue in my way, don't think there's enough soul in me left to do that again.

Say goodbye for me, maybe someone will find these when they take over the place. Burn them after you've read them, a prayer only lasts as long as it's being read and I pray for Logan to be happy, to find a place he can settle even after everything he had to do.

I loved him, I really did, but it wouldn't have been enough, no one is, not even Jean would have been. He's the wind, the mountain, the snow that's coming down outside. He's everything, just like you are and as lolng as your there, he'll be as well. And it'll have to be enough."

Ororo let the letter drop from her sight, her head dropping as the weight of the words reached her heart. The loss of one soul, the sorrow etched in pencil on cream paper, of her lapse of thought and sight, her damnation of the one she thought she'd known. It had been a lie, everything, her whole act, the laughter and playfullness with a brittle edge to it if she'd only looked for it.

Logan picked up the rest and thrust them into her chest, the crumpling paper being wetted by her tears. Logan's angry growl rumbling through her as she took hold of the rest of them. His angry words echoing in her mind as he smashed the empty whiskey bottle on the ground at her feet.
"Save it for someone who gives a fuck what you think." He left her under the trembling sky, soured with her own guilt trying to understand her part in the loss of someone Logan had needed more than Jean.

He made plans to leave every month, even got as far as the garage once or twice. But then there'd be a kid looking for him, or a mission that needed his talents, something that only he *could* do. (Which was usually rescueing more kids from hell holes the government put them in).

So he ended up staying, the letters he'd found were framed behind glass in his room, he made sure they were opposite his door so when Ro' came looking for him she saw them first. A constant reminder that she'd failed in her duty to Rogue and as such she'd been much more on the ball since he'd found them.

It didn't stop him looking at the sky and wondering where she was, had she managed to get a life she could live in? Was she happy, did she have someone to hold her, keep the darkness from her world, protect her like he'd promised her? On those nights he was left alone, he'd get through three or four bottles of decent whiskey and finally sleep it off in the grounds. It had been one of those nights that had led to his finding of the little group waiting at the gates. They were scared out of their wits, half starved and obviously mutants, he'd been walking off the last of his small hangover when he'd heard them discussing how to get in.

Keeping himself hidden he'd gotten closer, seeing their thin faced visages scanning the tree line where he was hiding. One kid locked onto his position and tapped the leader, knowing his cover was blown he stepped out into the early morning sunlight. Instead of being afraid of him they relaxed visably and the leader just pulled out a battered envelope. He slid it through the bars and held out his hand like he would to a dog to be sniffed.
It had been the lettering on the envelope, he looked at it every single day, it was Marie's.

Snatching the thing from the kid he tore open the envelope, seeing only a slip of paper his eyes gobbled up the sight of her words. His nose filling with the faint scent of her that lingered on the paper and sealing. Only when he'd taken everything he could from his senses did he read it. Expecting to burn it to memory just as he had the others in his room.
'Logan, I found these guys when I left, they need a home, somewhere where they won't be used like the barflies you once loved.' His eyes went back to the kids, there was an even mix but they surely weren't old enough for that life. He saw a few broken noses and scarred cheeks and suddenly it seemed like Marie was doing her own rescuing. He dragged his eyes back to the note, 'The leader is Jake, he's got a thermal mutation, it's how they survived this far. Don't judge them Logan, they've all done what they had to to get here. Marie.'

It wasn't enough but he looked at the leader, his second was a girl with senses like his own, they all looked hopeful but he knew whatever he said right now would colour them for the rest of their stay here. Folding the note back up into it's envelope he went to the security gate and punched in his code. Holding it open he listened to their whispered conversations, relief, disbelief at things going so well for them. The second and Jake were the last to come in, the girl spoke first.

"She told us not to tell you where she was or where we met her, do we still get to come in?" Logan bored his gaze through her and yet she didn't flinch away from him. She was expecting to fight their way out of here and if Marie had told them his reaction then she'd obviously told them about his mutation. He let them come in and locked the gate behind them all, when the lock shot home he put the letter in his back pocket.

Firing his claws he made sure every kid saw them shining in the dawn light, dropping his shoulders a little but not threatening them with the blades. As soon as they'd all seen the weaponry on display he slid them back home inside his body, standing tall he met every pair of eyes looking at him. Some laden with fear, some with plain curiousity.
"I'm the leader here, *I* care for *you*, *I* take risks for you, doesn't matter what you did out there, from now on you're on a clean slate. Treat people like you want to be treated an you'll never see those again, don't and we'll be parting company quicker than you think." It was the usual speech he gave the kids that came here but this time they weren't afraid of him, they'd been warned. Jake relaxed as did his second, he'd done the thing they'd been told he'd do and if that was true then so could the rest of it. Going ahead of them he walked them back to the school, via the kitchen. When Ro' got up she'd have a few more charges to look after while he spent some time in the lab with the letter.

**********************************************

Three weeks he waited, analysis of the paper, the glue, even the pollen that had caught on the sticky side of the thing. It all added up to the south, somewhere near Meridian and the sense of it made his hair stand on end all over his body. If he'd wanted to find her he'd have gone north, hoping that he'd run into her along her journey. The last place he'd have gone was south, that way lay her family, the memories she didn't want to relive. But if she'd returned to them as a 'cured' mutant would they open their arms to her?

As soon as he'd found out the nearest geographical area he went looking for her family online. Kitty helped, her computer knowledge was a little better than his but he was no slouch. There were several families scattered over the area all related to her mother and father but it was a blog where Kitty spotted her. A family gathering, a wedding it looked like and for a second her chesnut hair shone out of the crowd, the distinctive streaks were gone but the smile and face were hers. Kitty ran to get him out of the engineering class he was running just to show him. The blog entry was only three weeks old, and armed with a destination and target he left.

******************************************************

Habit paid off.

He'd been searching the rooms he took every night he stopped, searching for letters she could have written. He found one after a week of searching roach infested rooms, it had been tucked under the padding of the headboard. The crinkle of it had reached his ears when he'd rested against it, making him open the tear to slide out the battered piece of paper. It was like a drink to a recovering alcoholic, it made his head swim and his heart pound as he devoured the words on the page. They were crowded on here, tiny lines, so she had a lot to say this time. Bringing it into the dim light he read her prayer, memorising each word as if it would bring her closer to him.

'I know he'll be angry, when he finally notices I'm gone but it's for the best. There was nothing left for me there, he has a home, people need him. What they don't need is me, a reminder of how cruel the humans can be. That we think of ourselves before anyone else, I mean I abandoned him, left him to face killing the love of his life *alone*. How selfish could I have been? Even Bobby told me how much it hurt him to see Logan sitting in silence all the way back from San Francisco. Held so tight as if he'd break if someone even touched him or breathed too hard on him. Ororo had told them to give him his space and they had and what did I do when they got home?

Nothing.

I didn't hug him, I didn't ask if he was okay, if he needed anything from me, all I was thinking about was myself. How he hadn't asked me why I went, how much he really cared for me when he'd always been chasing after Jean. God was I so caught up in my own little world that I hurt the one person who never thought of himself?

I know in this journey things haven't been going well, laying a false trail was never something I expected to do but I know I'll survive this. I'm being punished for my actions, for my lack of thought I know that.

My prayer isn't for me, I don't want this to be easy, I want it to be hard, so I can learn. I stood still while others fought for me, I stood helpless while Logan died for me again. This time he sacrificed his happiness for everyone else, even Bobby who loved Kitty more than he'd ever loved me. Every man's life I enter I seem to mess up, Bobby loved Kitty before I arrived, Logan loved Jean the moment he woke up and saw her looking down at him. I was only a friend, someone to care for, to look after and I even let him down on that count didn't I?

Oh God please let me find a home again, somewhere I can recover, somewhere where the wounds can have time to heal over and become scars. Tomorrow I phone home, the first step in getting a life to live, one that may not be perfect but it's all my own and of my own making.
He gave his life for me once and I wasted it back there at the school, I never valued it. Now I do and I'm not about to throw it away. So you'd better listen to this prayer because if you don't it'll be the last one I ever write to ya!'

He re-read the words over and over, did she really think that? That his chasing after Jean had all been about his attraction to her? Marie hadn't been there when he'd seen her kill Xavier, Jean didn't care about anything but herself and in Erik's hands she was a world killer. He never had a choice about going after her, if she'd lived she'd have killed everything and everyone including her.

He loved her, needed her to look at him, to tell him that he was worthwhile that the animal inside him didn't matter to her. To Jean he'd been a challenge, to the force inside her he'd been a kindred soul, something she wanted to devour not care for. But Marie, she always knew the right thing to say even if it was just to sit with him in silence.

When he'd returned from San Fran he'd withdrawn and kept everyone at bay for a while. She'd been there on the edges of his vision but she hadn't approached him, even when her status of newly human had been thrust under his nose by Ro'. He'd just shrugged and walked away from the furious Ro', it had been her decision and he'd been wrapped up in despair himself. He hadn't even known that Bobby had broken up with her until he'd seen him with Kitty. Then to find out she'd been gone for a month really told him how far down he'd been. But she'd never intruded on his world if he didn't want her to and he supposed that he was partly to blame for the situation they were in.

He wasn't used to telling people how he felt, it sat wrong in him, the words just wouldn't come out and he'd get frustrated and walk away before he turned frustration into anger. That's when the sight of the small note pad in the room came under his gaze. Maybe he could learn a few things from Marie here, pulling the thing closer to him he began writing.

*****************************************************

Marie pulled upto her small house, the thing wasn't really a house, it had a mailbox sure but it wasn't what you'd call a 'house'. Her aunt had several of these small remodelled barns tucked around the neighbourhood. Low rent but clean and even if she was family she still had to earn her way. Noticing the mailbox flag was down she grabbed her small bag of groceries and made for the path not knowing there was someone watching her from the shade of the trees opposite.

Pulling her mail out she noticed one brown envelope along with the white of utility bills. Probably a college form she'd applied for, night classes weren't that exciting but they got you the qualifications she would need along the way. Getting her key out she wafted to the door, the afternoon sun warming her through. Smiling to the world she let herself in not knowing that the past was waiting for her in her hands.

Groceries away she settled at her small formica table and opened her mail, doing the bills first. Smiling as she looked at the amounts, smaller than she expected living here wouldn't be as much as a struggle as she'd thought after all. Happy she reached for the brown envelope and tore it open, inside weren't the forms she was expecting but yellow pages covered in neat handwriting. There was no return address but the name at the top of the first page made sure she read the rest of the words in front of her.
'Dear Marie.....'

Darkness fell and still she didn't light the lights inside her home, her hands clutching the yellow papers that had revealed things she'd never thought possible. The words on them were spinning around her mind, the long cursive writing on them showed a mind that wasn't broken or confused. The weight, meter and depth of feeling in every paragraph had left her breathless, so when the knock came at her door she didn't jump at it. She knew who was on the other side, Logan.

Slowly she got up, switched on the lamp in the kitchen walked through her small front room, switching on the light in there and revealing the solid shape of the man who'd found her. His shadow outside on her step, it was her choice to let him in and reading what she'd read the choice had already been made for her.

***********************************************

When the door had opened he'd been prepared to see her face screwed up in anger but he hadn't expected tears. They glittered in her lashes, decorating them like shards of diamond, her face coloured by emotion and she did what she'd always done for him; made the right move and made the world whole again.

Her grip on his ribs was iron, her body plastered to his, her face on his shoulder breathing him into her in gulps and gasping sobs. All he could get out of his own tight and filling throat was her name, "Marie...." he didn't know how long they were stood there just holding the other. Just being close, just being touched, feeling the other person who made up the half of you that was missing.

He'd never told her how much she'd meant to him, what she did for him, how easy she made life for him when she'd been there. He'd had her to look to, to tell him with a smile or a look that he was worth the effort. That she loved him no matter what and when she'd written her prayer to a god that hadn't answered her telling him of her love for him, for this flawed man it had broken him wide open. He'd seen everything fresh, every word, every gesture she'd given him, every hug, every look had new meaning. She'd *loved* him and expected nothing in return knowing he was hooked on Jean, the attraction of their darker halves taking over his mind. Whereas Marie loved all of him, animal and man, she'd been in his head, seen the things he'd done and still cared. Still loved him enough to leave him space when he needed it and when it seemed like she'd done too much damage to him she'd gone.

He'd needed her more than ever and he blamed himself for not telling her he needed her, wanted her, desired her. He was an animal who'd killed the brightest and best of them at the school and if he could do that then he'd surely have killed her in the long run. So he'd withdrawn not knowing it was the last thing either of them had ever wanted. So he'd laid it out on paper, written it so she could read it like he had her mind. A prayer to a living god, one that had the choice of saving him again. Saving him from a life of regret and loneliness, surrounded by duty but feeling nothing for those he helped. Knowing that through his own mistakes he'd lost the one thing that had meant the world to him, her.

She never pushed, never said she knew better, understood his moods, his need for quiet or his need to destroy those who stood against him. She wasn't afraid of him and that was worth the world. He didn't promise her anything she knew he couldn't keep, all he wanted to give her was what he was giving her now. A place to be in, a pair of arms to hold, a friend in a world where they were few and far between.

Finally Logan found the power of speech return to him after he'd held her to him, nearly a year had passed since she'd gone and it wasn't enough for him to let her go yet. But they couldn't stand here all night, "Marie? Can we go inside?" Her face moved and she just moved backward, her feet shuffling as she kept her grip on him making him smile broadly as they moved into the small home.
"You can let go, I'm not going to disappear you know?" Her eyes red and her skin streaked with tears she lifted her face to see his gloved hand touching her cheek.
"Sure about that?"
Logan nodded as she just put herself against him again, her sighs filling the holes that had been eaten into his soul. Finally she began releasing him and stepped back so he could see her fully.

She'd grown up, filled out a little in the right places but her eyes were the giveaway, they shone again, like the day he'd picked her up on the side of that damn highway. "Thought you were goin to see Alaska?" She smirked and quirked her head to the side, her eyes locking onto his and seeing his true feelings for her riding in their gaze.
"Seen enough snow, besides Ah couldn't get the same ride Ah had before an Ah didn't want to see it with anyone else."
"That a fact?"
"Uh-huh."

Logan moved and put his hands on her shoulders making her tilt her head up to look at him, she needed to hear him say it, those three words that would fill the holes in the two of them. Marie spoke first, "Ah never stopped hopin' Logan, even when Ah left. Ah love you, always will." Even though he was expecting the words they still hit him hard, making him blink at their fierceness and weight. She meant every word, he could feel it, never mind sense it.
"I know, I'm sorry I didn't tell you, I'm sorry I wasn't man enough to let you in. I love you, I always have, ever since I saw you on the train. When I'd lost you...." her fingers ghosted over his lips. She knew, she'd read it all and the words were over her heart, etched in her muscle and soul. He let her hold his head to her chest, bending so he could hear her heart beat her breath as she whispered to him.
"You're home sugar, that's all that matters. Where we go next is *our* choice." Smiling into her covered skin Logan let himself relax, she had him and he had her. The rest of the world didn't matter anymore.