'Why I ask,
Was she worth it?
Got what you wanted?
Yours till death we said....
Was she worth it?'

*********************************************************

It hadn't come easy, love never did especially when the other had a huge load of baggage and you were just coming down from a relationship where you were supposed to be alone all the time.

Marie hadn't gotten here easily, when Logan had returned home he'd been distant from her. It had taken nearly a year of fighting by his side to confirm that she could and would take on anything he could. Only then did his glances her way become open stares where she caught him watching her dress and undress. An the thing was the heat in his gaze had nothing to do with Jean, it had been all she'd been hoping for.

Even then it was an odd relationship, Logan would sometimes disappear for days at a time, weeks even then he'd be back as if nothing had happened. She never questioned where or what he'd been diong when he went out. There were *reasons* and that was all she needed to know, she'd been secure in her love for him and in his love for her. Even her skin hadn't stopped him, he'd researched, looked for things that would allow them skin to skin contact. Even covering her in a light oil was enough and they had a great sex life when he was home.

But that had been shattered the day he'd come back with a long scratch on his upper thigh. He'd been snappy, irritable with her and she'd been worried enough to give him his space. The long scratch obviously something that hadn't healed up properly yet, it was an injury and he was tetchy. She'd asked him to go see Jean about it but remembered that she was away in Chicago at a conference, there was only Hank he could go and see and Logan didn't really like being near the larger man when he was vulnerable. She'd gone down to see him herself and bumped into Scott who was being seen by Hank.

She'd walked in just as Hank was replacing a dressing on his inner thigh, the long cut on his skin vivid and raw. As she'd entered Scott had blushed a little but she'd been around him naked before and besides it was medical. She'd listened as Hank had told Scott he needed to get Jean to treat her nail infection. The infected tissue that had run along skin as she'd cut him with her nail had caused the wound to fester. It'd heal up but it would take some time to do it, and it was then that the blocks began to tumble into place in her mind.

The last time Logan had an infection or injury that didn't clear up in a day or two had been when one of the Brotherhood had surprised them in the act of clearing out some labs. A guy called 'Spore', he used fungal spores to warp peoples perceptions of reality and choke people to death. Logan had been hacking up his 'gift' for nearly a week, his body did a good job at killing the fungal infections eventually. But it showed he did have a slower response to that type of infection. As soon as Scott was gone Hank turned his attention to her and she found herself spinning him a line about her feet having 'the itch'. Hank gave her a mild fungicide and left it at that, but what she took back to Logan was more than a cure for the itch on his thigh. She knew exactly where he'd gotten the injury and why.

***********************************************

The damn thing was itching like his skin was on fire, usually the marks women left on him were gone within an hour. Marie's fingerprints never lasted past an hour, an Jean's had never taken so long to fade. His fingers traced the line of the thing under the shower.

Jean.

Just how it had come about he had no idea, but it had. They met up once in a while, fucked like animals and went back to their respective partners. It was something he didn't feel proud of but it had been something he couldn't walk away from either. Jean was still up there in his top ten fuckable women, with Marie at the top of the list.

He'd seen her look at the wound and her face had been filled with concern, she always worried about him when he 'went off'. Sometimes it was on jobs that no one else needed to know about, sometimes he just left for the feel of the open road and sometimes he did it to meet Jean.

When he was with her he didn't feel anything but lust, there wasn't even any feeling between them afterward. Friendly banter, a few quips about back home but no real warmth, nothing to show that it was anything but an itch to scratch when they both felt the tension between them get too much. The Pheonix in Jean had it's own cycle as the Wolverine in him did, just sometimes they peaked together and when they did, they met up and stayed until the itch was gone.

When he'd finally dried off in the bathroom the fading red scar making his skin itch again, he'd wiped Jeans scent from his mind. Walking into the room he hadn't expected Marie to be waiting there on their bed, a small half smile on her lips and a small white bottle in her hands.

It was the tension in her body that made him speak, she was thrumming with it, her body held in as if she'd snap if she did anything else. "Marie?" As soon as he spoke her name her eyes snapped up to his and he knew as soon as she looked at him she knew. Her hands played with the small white plastic bottle before throwing it at him.
"Ya'll be needing that fer ya infection, Jean's got a fungal infection on her finger. That's why it hasn't healed properly, didn't know she was a clawer Logan."

He caught the bottle and watched as she stood up, iron in her will the only thing that was keeping her upright. Her skin livid, flashing in all it's colours as she wove around the room gathering what she'd need from their room. He stood in silence as she packed up her life, she didn't cry and he didn't deny it. What was the point, he'd been found out and there was nothing to defend it. He knew he'd been cheating on her, hurting her every time he'd been with Jean. As soon as she'd packed up she went to the door, her shoulders finally sagging and a hitch entering her voice as she prepared to leave the one person she thought she could've relied on.
"At least ya won't have to lie to anyone now about where ya go Logan. Ah'll leave ya to tell Scott about her, because from where Ah'm standin there's nothin we have left to say to each other."

The door opened, and she stepped through it, leaving him with only memory of her now. He stood there for nearly an hour, everything that had happened replaying through his head. In them he'd spoken, told her how it had been, what it had meant, why he'd done it but in reality he knew that no matter what he'd had said it wouldn't have stood up to the look in her eyes. The one that spoke of love and pain, of her love being destroyed by him over and over by fucking another woman. Someone he'd told her over and over that he didn't care for or about, that all he'd needed was in his arms. Thing was it had been true, yet it didn't matter anymore, he'd lost her. And as the room blurred as he finally fell to the floor the weight of his sins heaping onto his shoulders adding to his already heavy skeleton.

*****************************************************

Chicago had been fun, Logan had been entertaining for a night or two but she was becoming bored with the repetition. Maybe she'd stop calling him when she was away, next time she'd see if she could ease the itch herself. Anyway she had to get her game face on home was pulling into view as the taxi-cab brought her through the gates. As soon as she stepped out she could feel the edge that was in the air of the school. Paying the cabbie she took her overnight bag in one hand and went into the foyer.

Ororo was there waiting for her as was Scott, smiling she saw a look pass between Ro' and Scott but as she focussed her attention on Scott she read the surface of his mind. It was blank, as featureless as the sahara and he stepped back from her embrace, Ororo moved away her silence speaking volumes for her. Scott brought himself up to his full height and she could feel the world crumble around her.
"I know what you've been doing, where you've been going. I've moved into a guest room, your things are still in our old room." That was it, no rage, no emotion, nothing that could be construed as an arguement, just plain and simple fact. He knew and he'd acted accordingly, got himself organised and waited for her to return, her thoughts went to Logan for a second and Scott caught her show of emotion.
"He's still here, although I don't know when he'll be coming out of the danger room anytime soon. If you want to speak to Rogue she's in the library." Without another word he turned his back on her, six years of her life over in less than thirty seconds. If she was going to live here she had to face the music and now was probably the best time for it. Dropping her bag in the foyer she went to see Rogue.

*********************************

She found her wrapped up in a wing back chair, her head lowered over a book of stories,the illustrations shining out of the pages. When she met the dark gaze of the young woman she'd been destroying with her calls her voice froze for a second.
"Rogue...I just wanted to tell you that it really didn't mean...." Marie held up her hand to stop Jean halfway through her speech. Her eyes didn't rest on Jean as she spoke, instead they went to the windows and the garden outside. Her uncovered hands resting on the books pages, feeling their texture under her pads, tracing the raised picture boundaries like a blind girl.
"Ah don't want to hear it Jean, if ya want him, take him. Ah'm no one's pity fuck, go play house with him if ya want to but it never was about that was it? It was all about the passion wasn't it, the lust?" She met Jeans gaze and her tears spilled over as she gripped the book in her hands. It was the only thing keeping her from draining the woman in front of her.

"Well ya'd better be able to give him the life Ah was gonna give him, he deserves that much from ya but it never was love was it? Only what ya could have at ya beck an call, well ya've won, he's all yours, knock ya self out." Then she shut down, keeping her face firmly set against the view, Jean didn't exist anymore she'd said her piece and as far as she was concerned they could have each other. Thing was Jean had never wanted him in the first place not in the way Marie was telling her to, as she walked away Jean finally realised what she'd made Logan lose. A happy life with a woman who'd loved him with everything she'd had to give, and it was made worse by her mutation. She'd never let anyone close again, never let anyone in, she'd killed the only link she'd had with the normal world. Jean ran to her mentor hoping he could do some damage control but it was her and Logan's own actions that had led to here. Now they were both reaping the harvest.

**************************************************

Autumn came, the trees were laden with the now turning colours and everywhere he looked was a reminder of Jean's red hair. Marie still wouldn't stay in the same room as him, as soon as he appeared she left, just got up and left. No tears, no words just avoided his presence entirely and he felt her loss like he'd lost an arm. He knew Xavier had spoken with her, told her to try to come to terms with what had happened. She'd said she was, she wasn't avoiding him because she hated him, she was doing it for his sake. She hated him and she couldn't trust herself to not touch him, not to drain him dry and kill him. He was a valued member of the X-Men ans as such she had to think of the other people around her, others needed him, even if she didn't.

The words had killed any hope of ever having her near him again, Jean had gone to San Francisco to set up a new school out there. He'd toyed with the idea of going but he knew he'd never go, not until Marie showed him what she really felt about him. Her words might hurt but he had to know what she really felt when she saw him and that might just kill him but the life he was living wasn't exactly pain free. Pushing off the wall he was leaning on he went to find the woman he once pinned his future on.

****************************

Her room was quiet, a haven from the rest of the school, her lessons were easy, art and social history, the kids were easy to reach. They needed someone who would care for them and they'd been a focus for her to concentrate on when her emotions were too fragile or too tempestious to consider releasing. Sighing she flicked off her lamp and got ready for bed, the rest of the marking would wait until morning.

Flinging her sheets back she caught the scent of cigars for a moment and a sob forced itself into her throat. Holding her hand to her heart she forced herself to get into the bed, the scent of Logan still on the comforter that covered her sheets. Turning her back on the world she tried to get some sleep.

Movement, there was someone in her room, flinging her arm out of bed she connected with someone and their thoughts rushed into her head. Everything sudden and forceful, images of love, hope, loss, pain, torture, despair, lust, animal need. Confused she heard the sound of someone dropping to the floor, their heels drumming a tattoo on the floor of the room. Flicking her light on she knew who it was even before the light hit, her senses were raging and she knew it was his last hope, he had to tell her *why*. Pushing the panic button in her room she waited for help to arrive, all the time sitting on her hands and praying that they came soon. While inside her head she battled with the thoughts from Logan and her own need to drain him dry.

**************************************

The cool steel of the med bay greeted him and Logan found himself looking at a very annoyed Hank, as he sat up his body reminding him that what he'd done was stupid. He'd nearly died again but to his soul it had been worth the risk. He had to tell her why, let her see the reason why he'd done it, she wouldn't talk to him and he'd fuck it up if he tried to tell her. So he did the next best thing, he showed her everything, let her see what he was doing and why. She would *be* him for a while and she'd see how much he loved her, how much he needed her, how living without her was killing him slowly.

Hank helped him up and his eyes were burning with anger for his actions and he just unhooked him, his eyes telling him where Marie was in the room. "I'll leave you two to talk." When he was gone Logan looked over to where Marie was sitting, her fingers bare on the metal desk and her face lowered. Skin red and eyes bloodshot, when she looked at him he knew he'd failed, there was nothing left for him to hope for. A thin smile crossed her lips as she raised her gaze to peirce him through.
"Did ya think it'd be that easy Logan? That ya could just drop everythin on me an that Ah'd understand?" Her head shook from side to side as she stood up, smoothing her dress down as she walked over to him. Her hands clenching and her knuckles looking a little different from before. "See ya held on a little too long this time Logan, ya gave me more than ya memories, more than ya reasons for why ya did this to *me*. Ah understand the reason Logan , ya just couldn't share him with me, couldn't let Ol Wolverine out to play with me could ya?" Her laugh was bitter and hollow, tinged with a darkness that he recognised a little too late as it reflected in her eyes. Her fist snapped forward as the three bone blades erupted from her skin, driving them home into his stomach. Her other hand gripping his bare shoulder, draining him again, ripping upward she left him falling back onto the gurney, his blood fountaining above his head. Her words echoing his ears as the klaxon went off calling Hank back to tend to him.
"Ah'll never forgive ya Logan an everytime ya see that scar on ya skin ya'll know why ya have it. Ah'm leavin' got some business to tend to in San Francisco but Ah'll be back to see *you* afterward."

When Hank was tending to him, he realised what he'd done, what he'd given her, what he'd created in her. She'd seen *everything*, knew *everything* he knew, where he'd been, what he'd done in Xavier's name, how to hide, how to kill, how to disappear. He cried on the way to surgery, his body unable to heal the damage she'd wrought on him. He's sown the whirlwind and one day he'd reap what he'd sown.