Complicated

I was going to kill him!

I stormed into the bar and quickly made my way over to my spot at the corner of the bar. I must have been pretty mad, or I would have laughed the way people seemed to inch out of my path. I threw my body onto the stool and didn’t wait for the bartender to make his way over before I hollered out my request.

“Whiskey, straight!” I rummaged through my pockets before I pulled out a couple 20’s – I didn’t care how many; it’s not like I spent a lot, anyway.

Carefully, but quickly, the bartender made his way over and handed me a full bottle of whiskey – “Four Roses” – and a glass.

“Can I have a shot glass as well?” I tried to ask nicely.

That got a reaction – a raised eyebrow to be specific. Damn that insufferable, chauvinistic, son of a –!

“You’re gonna chase whiskey with whiskey?”

I glared at him. “Look; I have no problem with you right now, but I’m not really in the best of moods and I’d really hate to take it out on an innocent bystander such as yourself… can I just please have a shot glass too?”

He relented and handed me a shot glass while saying, “I just hope you have someone you can call…” and walked off to the other end of the bar.

I smiled bitterly and quickly threw back 2 shots before I poured myself a glass and started sipping it. As I did so, my mind let loose and I thought back to the past hour or so…

*Flashback*

I practically ran down the hall in a mad rage, my mind all mixed up and furious.

What the hell is his problem?! I mean, it’s not like he actually wants me or anything! Gah!

In no time I had reached Jean’s room, having sniffed her out – I was so pissed I was channeling my inner Logan – and barged into her office. “Jean, please take me to the bar, now!” She took one look at me, grabbed her coat and keys, and led the way to the garage.

On the way, I felt her psychically “knock on my door.” I’ve been here for half a decade and have come to trust both Jean and the Professor and sometimes communicating psychically is just simply more efficient, so we made a deal: if they wanted to see what was going on, they would psychically feel around my barriers and if it was alright, I’d let them in. I know that doesn’t seem like me – how could I be so trusting after all I’ve been through – but both Jean and the Professor have come through for me many times over throughout these past years that I can’t help but trust them now. And they still respect my privacy, hence the psychic knocking.

Anyway, so I felt her psychic presence brush over my mental barriers and because I didn’t feel like explaining, I let her in… well, I practically sucked her in with how quick I dropped my barriers.

In my mind’s eye, I saw what she saw: how over the past couple of days Logan had been acting more… interested. He’d do things like flirt a bit more with me, sit closer to me at the dinner table… he’d hold me closer as we did things like watch a hockey game or something… it finally seemed like we were getting somewhere! Then, just 15 minutes ago, we were sitting on the porch gazing at the stars. I made my move: I leaned to him, put my arm around his waist and rested my head against his shoulder. But he didn’t react the way I had hoped… he tensed up then shrugged out of my hold. I asked him what was wrong. He wouldn’t look at me but made some comment about how I was still a kid, this was wrong, and that he wasn’t right for me.

She also saw how pissed I was. And that I slapped him. And then I walked off.

I felt her pull out of my mind as her pace increased slightly. See? Older sister knows exactly what younger sister needs.

We got to the car – 2012 Honda Civic – and climbed in. It was a quick and quiet drive, with me fuming and blowing smoke on one side and Jean calmly driving on the other. A little while later, we were parked in front of the bar. As I climbed out, her mind briefly brushed mine with a Call me before I – tried not to – slam the door and made my way to the bar.

*End Flashback*

Thinking back, I threw back the rest of my drink as my anger flared up… and then fell to sorrow. I poured myself another glass and just sat there, wondering what the hell I’d done that he just couldn’t bring himself to love me back…

Carolyn Dawn Johnson’s “Complicated” started playing on the jukebox, and of course I knew the song – I am from the south, after all. My soul sang with the jukebox as my tears hit the counter…

So complicated, I'm so frustrated.
I wanna hold you close, I wanna push you away,
I wanna make you go, I wanna make you stay.
Should I say it.
Should I tell you how I feel.
Oh, I want you to know.
But then again I don't. It's so complicated

As the song played, I just sat there with my heart aching, wishing for a love I wasn’t sure existed. I mean, as I told Jean a while ago, what I feel now did start as a crush, and if he had stayed away just a little bit longer, it could have turned into a platonic feeling. I mean, I didn’t want him away forever mind you, but if he had stayed away for just a bit longer… who knows? And I didn’t always know that I loved him… in fact, I was in denial for a very long time. It took Jubes, a bottle of tequila, and some very deep analyzing of why I hadn’t been dating. And right after I realized I was in love with Logan, there was a time where I didn’t know how to react around him. Thankfully, he was dense as ever and I got a handle on my feelings. Until, of course, that Victoria’s Secret commercial… and now? Now, I don’t even know…

I focused on the song a bit, really feeling what it was saying… well, I knew what I wanted… I know what I’m feeling… what I don’t know, is if it’s worth the risk to our friendship…

Then the song segued into Avril Lavigne’s “Complicated.” And I listened to it as well, as the tears stopped falling.

Chill out, what you yellin' for?
Lay back, it's all been done before
And if you could only let it be
You will see
I like you the way you are
When we're drivin' in your car
And you're talking to me one on one
But you've become...

It wasn’t that Logan was an entirely different person when we’re alone, but if I were to take a deeper meaning of the song – and being tipsy, if not drunk, I did – it’s about a girl being frustrated about not understanding why a guy is trying to lie about something, or fool someone into believing something else… how the guy is making a mountain of a molehill and the girl doesn’t know what’s going on or what’s a safe move to make… totally how I was feeling. And besides, the heavier feel of the rock music really pumped up my anger.

And that’s when the fates must have decided to play with my heart because I was not expecting the bar’s door to slam open to reveal a very pissed Logan.

I watched as his nose twitched and his eyes scanned the room, trying to find what his nose told him was here. His eyes fell on me and soon he was quickly making his way over.

Found what you were looking for, huh sugar? I thought. I watched him out of the corner of my eye and took a drink like nothing was wrong.

Finally he was next to me – right next to me. I could practically feel his body move as he breathed in the smells of the bar… he seemed to be breathing a little heavy.

“This seat taken?” He grumbled, pointing to the stool next to me.

He sat down before I could even answer. He waved at the bartender and asked for a whiskey.

The bartender got a glass, looked at me, and motioned to my bottle. “You mind?”

“Not at all.” The bartender poured Logan a glass – using my bottle – and set the bottle down in between us. I looked at the bottle, took a sip from my own glass, and looked at Logan… who was looking right back at me like he wanted to hit something… maybe me, who knows? All I know, is that he looks pissed.

Well, I thought this should be interesting… I took another sip and stared at the mirror, and waited for… something, I don’t know what. But I was pleasantly buzzed so time was no enemy of mine. I could still feel him staring though…

“You know, sugar, that’s some damn good whiskey you’re wasting if you’re just gonna sit there and stare.” I took another sip, not moving my eyes from the mirror.

“I didn’t come here for the whiskey.” He said.

I finally looked at him, raising an eyebrow. “Really? Well, that’s a shame,” I took a sip, “because this is some damn good whiskey… you know, a sip or two may do you some good in the way of acting somewhat civil.” I took another sip and went back to looking at the mirror… I didn’t really want to look at him for long because I’m sure I would do something really stupid…

He grumbled something – I think it was about difficult women – and finally took a sip.

“There, ya happy?” he grumbled.

I smiled and set my drink down on the counter. I looked at him as I answered. “Sugar, I came here of my own choice. I didn’t ask you to follow me, I didn’t demand that you follow me… you came here because you wanted to, for whatever reason you may have. Now, I’m quite enjoying my whiskey, so if there is something you would like from me, best speak now before I can’t speak coherently.”

He looked at me, I mean really looked at me; it felt like he could see straight into my soul and if that didn’t give me the shivers, then the feelings that his eyes couldn’t hide definitely did…

Finally, he asked, “What happened back there?”

Remembering what he was asking about sparked a bit of anger and damn if my eyebrow didn’t twitch. I took a deep breath and calmly replied. “Well, as far as I’m concerned, we were having a nice moment, I was just trying to get a little more comfortable – steal some of your body heat, you know? You’re like a friggin’ furnace – but what I did must have spooked you. Either that,” and I glared at him, “or you’ve been sending me mixed signals recently, because what I’ve been reading off of you is that you’re interested in more than a friendship here and my leaning into you shouldn’t have initiated the cold shoulder. I mean, come on, it’s not like I stuffed my hands down your pants to cop a feel or something!” He’d been taking a sip of his drink as I said that and I had the most pleasure in watching him practically spit out his drink. “Besides,” I turned back to staring at the mirror and took a sip of my drink, “I know just how much being in a relationship with someone so much younger than you, like me, scares the bejeezus out of you.”

That made him mad. He glared at me when he answered. “You are too young for me, Marie. You know I don’t have much of my memory, if any at all, and with my healing factor, who knows, I could be centuries older than you!”

My turn to get pissed and glare. “And you think that matters to me?! Really?! Listen, Logan,” I leaned towards him and jabbed him in the chest. “I have the psyche of you and Magneto up here. Assuming that you’re say, oh, even 100 years old, that puts me at least at 160, brain-wise. And if you’re worried about how I look,” I chuckled, “Since when does the Wolverine care what others think? Since when does the Wolverine let societal norms stop him from taking what’s his?” I got real close and up in his face, so close I could see the stubble and smell the whiskey on his breath. “You forget that I have him up there too, and he tells me what you refuse to acknowledge. And you know what? It doesn’t scare me one bit.” Let him sulk on that one.

I pulled back and went back to my drink. I think I will forever have a special place in my heart for that jukebox because right then and there it started playing Rihanna’s “Complicated.” I chuckled, and it must have been loud enough because it caught Logan’s attention.

“What’s so funny?” He growled.

I shook my head and looked through to the bottom of my glass. “Not funny, more ironic… you should really pay attention to the song on the jukebox, Logan.” I saw the surprised expression on his face and the wary look in his eyes. I took a drink.

Why is everything with you so complicated
Why do you make it hard to love you
Oh I hate it
'Cause if you really wanna be alone
I will throw my hands up 'Cause baby I tried
But everything with you is so complicated
Oh why

For most of the song, I just sat there staring at the counter, quietly singing along. Personally, I did like this song; I just never realized how true it rang with me. As the last verse came up I made eye-contact with as I quietly sang with it, to make sure he understood.

I'ma stick around just a little while longer
Just to make sure that you're really sure
You like sleeping alone
I'ma stick around just a little while longer
Just to make sure that you're really sure
You like sleeping alone

Jean? I mentally called as the song came to a close.

I’ll be there in 5; noticed Scott’s bike was missing. I smiled at that.

And then we sat there in silence for a bit: me staring at the bottom of my glass while I felt Logan’s stare trying to burn holes through me.

I grew a bit agitated at constantly being stared at, so I snapped, “If there’s something you want to say, then just say it.” After a couple more moments of silence, I looked over at him… and almost wish I hadn’t done so.

He was sitting at the counter, looking into his own glass as well. His body posture was tense, that’s for sure; I’m surprised that the glass was still in one piece, it looked like he was squeezing it so hard. And I could tell his shoulders were really tense, like he was ready for a fight or something… I slouched, remembering the slap. Obviously, his expression wasn’t a happy one, but the look in his eyes tore me apart. There was so much… pain in his eyes… pain for himself, pain for having hurt me… frustration for not being able to communicate what he wanted to in the way that he needed to… and I think I even saw a bit of fear… maybe of being lonely?... Damn him… I never could stay mad at him.

My shoulders slouched as I sighed. On the stool, I turned my entire body to face him.

“Logan,” I said, and waited until he met my eyes. “I’m sorry about slapping you; really, I am. Not that you didn’t deserve it, but I shouldn’t have done it. I was just confused, frustrated, and hurt. I thought our relationship was changing, and for the better in my opinion, and I was just doing what felt right.”

I’m here…

I’ll be out soon…

I stood up from my barstool, not breaking eye-contact. “Look, we both know where I stand: I think there is something more between us and I am more than willing and ready to give it a shot,” I placed a hand on his forearm, “but you need to figure out where you stand. If you honestly don’t feel anything for me outside of friendship… fine. You’re too important for me to cross you out of my life; I won’t leave you for that… but if you feel that something too…” I looked at him, pleading with my eyes, “please… please don’t throw it away… please just, give it a chance, give us a chance…” my eyes searched his a while longer before I walked out of the bar.

I noticed the Civic parked right in front of the door and got in.

Jean looked at me somewhat anxiously. “So… how’d it go?”

I stared out the windshield with a small smile on my face. “The bar’s still in one piece and no one got hurt or died,” I looked out my window as we pulled away and onto the street. “I told him where I stand… ball’s in his court… we’ll see what he decides.”

You're not easy to love
You're not easy to love, no
You're not easy to love
You're not easy to love, no

Complicated by Carolyn Dawn Johnson

I'm so scared that the way I feel,
Is written all over my face
When you walk into the room,
I wanna find a hiding place.
We used to laugh, we used to hug, the way that old friends do.
But now, a smile and a touch of your hand,
Just makes me come unglued.
Such a contridiction, do I lie or tell the truth.
Is it fact or fiction,
Oh the way I feel for you.

So complicated, I'm so frustrated.
I wanna hold you close, I wanna push you away,
I wanna make you go, I wanna make you stay.
Should I say it.
Should I tell you how I feel.
Oh, I want you to know.
But then again I don't. It's so complicated.

Oh..just when I think I'm under control.
I think I got a grip.
Another friend tells me that, I'm always on your lips.
They say I'm more than just a friend, they say I must be blind.
Well, I admit that I've seen you watch me from the corner of your eye.
Oh, It's so confusing. I wish you'd just confess.
But think of what I'd
be losin', if your answer isn't yes.

So complicated I'm so frustrated,
I wanna hold you close, I wanna push you away,
I wanna make you go, I wanna make you stay.
Should I say it, should I tell you how I feel.
Oh I want you to know, but then again I don't, It's so complicated.

Oh, I hate it. 'Cuz I've waited.
So long for someone like you
Oh, what do I do.
Oh should I say it.
Should I tell you how I feel.
I want you to know,but then again I don't.
It's so complicated…
It's so complicated…
It's so complicated.
Ohh…

Complicated by Avril Lavigne

Uh huh, life's like this
Uh huh, uh huh, that's the way it is
'Cause life's like this
Uh huh, uh huh that's the way it is

Chill out, what you yellin' for?
Lay back, it's all been done before
And if you could only let it be
You will see
I like you the way you are
When we're drivin' in your car
And you're talking to me one on one
But you've become...

Somebody else 'round everyone else
You're watching your back like you can't relax
You're tryin' to be cool
You look like a fool to me
Tell me

Why do you have to go and make things so complicated?
I see the way you're acting like you're somebody else
Gets me frustrated
Life's like this
You, you fall and you crawl and you break
And you take what you get and you turn it into honesty
You promised me I'm never gonna find you fake it
No, no, no

You come over unannounced
Dressed up like you're somethin' else
Where you are ain't where it's at
You see you're making me laugh out
When you strike your pose
Take off all your preppy clothes
You know you're not fooling anyone
When you've become...

Somebody else 'round everyone else
You're watchin' your back like you can't relax
You're tryin' to be cool
You look like a fool to me
Tell me

Why do you have to go and make things so complicated?
I see the way you're acting like you're somebody else
Gets me frustrated
Life's like this
You, you fall and you crawl and you break
And you take what you get and you turn it into honesty
You promised me I'm never gonna find you fake it
No, no, no

No, no, no
No, no, no
No, no, no

Chill out, what you yellin' for?
Lay back, it's all been done before
And if you could only let it be
You will see...

Somebody else 'round everyone else
You're watching your back like you can't relax
You're trying to be cool,
You look like a fool to me
Tell me

Why do you have to go and make things so complicated?
I see the way you're acting like you're somebody else
Gets me frustrated
Life's like this
You, you fall and you crawl and you break
And you take what you get and you turn it into honesty
You promised me I'm never gonna find you fake it
No no

Why do you have to go and make things so complicated? (yeah, yeah)
I see the way you're acting like you're somebody else
Gets me frustrated
Life's like this
You, you fall and you crawl and you break
And you take what you get and you turn it into honesty
You promised me I'm never gonna find you fake it
No no no

Complicated by Rihanna

You're not easy to love
You're not easy to love, no
You're not easy to love
You're not easy to love, no

Why is everything with you so complicated
Why do you make it hard to love you
Oh I hate it
'Cause if you really wanna be alone
I will throw my hands up 'Cause baby I tried
But everything with you is so complicated
Oh why

Sometimes I get you
Sometimes I don't understand
Sometimes I love you
Sometimes it's you I can't stand
Sometimes I wanna hug you
Sometimes I wanna push you away
Most times I wanna kiss you
Other times punch you in the face
'Cause every minute you start switching up
And you say things like you don't give a fuck
Then I say I'm through with you
Take my heart from you
And you come running after me and baby I'm back with you

Oh, you're not easy to love
You're not easy to love, no
You're not easy to love
You're not easy to love, no

Why is everything with you so complicated
Why do you make it hard to love you
Oh I hate it
'Cause if you really wanna be alone
I, will throw my hands up 'Cause baby I tried
But everything with you is so complicated
Oh why

Sometimes I catch you
Sometimes you get away
Sometimes I read you
Other times I'm like where are you on the page
Sometimes I feel like we will be together forever
But you're so complicated
My heart knows better

Why is everything with you so complicated
Why do you make it hard to love you
Oh I hate it
'Cause if you really wanna be alone
I, will throw my hands up 'Cause baby I tried
Everything with you is so complicated
Oh why

I'ma stick around just a little while longer
Just to make sure that you're really sure
You like sleeping alone
I'ma stick around just a little while longer
Just to make sure that you're really sure
You like sleeping alone

Why is everything with you so complicated
Why do you make it hard to love you
Oh I hate it
'Cause if you really wanna be alone
I, will throw my hands up 'Cause baby I tried
Everything with you is so complicated
Oh why

You're not easy to love
You're not easy to love, no
You're not easy to love
You're not easy to love, no