"Thank you for seeing us doctor. Sorry we're late, we had a few...issues. Scott, please sit down on the couch."

"No Jean."

"Scott! ...Sorry about this doctor. No he's not always like this, it's... Yes I know. Yes, you see we both agreed this was for the best, that we should talk to someone. The Professor recommended you, you know. He said that you did some fine work with two other members of the team...uh... teaching staff... Scott SIT DOWN!"

"I don't want to!"

"Then stop pacing."

"No! I don't see any reason why we need to be here. I'm fine. You're fine. When you're not bent on mass destruction and the end of the world as we know it."

"Was that supposed to be funny?"

"Do you see me laughing? Do you see me going 'ha ha' oh look the phoenix has risen *again* and we're all going to die. Never mind, at least she'll be the only one around at the end to clean up all the mess. Saves me a job."

"That's not funny."

"Oh I'm sorry. Next time I'll try and incorporate a little stand up routine into trying not to die. Warm up with a few jokes, get a few laughs from the other people being turned into PARTICLES around me!"

"Scott. Will you *just* SIT... Doctor, no. No don't leave. He was only joking about the... just trying to wind you up, that's all. *Weren't you Scott*?"

"Whatever."

"And there's no need to roll your eyes at me."

"No need to...? How can you see that?! They're behind my visor...uh strange...new...glasses...things... heh, new fashions and all that, right doctor? These are all the rage in...uh...Paris."

"Scott don't be ridiculous. And of course I know. I know everything."

"Well, there's no need for you to glare at me! Fine. I'll sit. But I want it on record that it's under duress. Good. Now I... Hey, you weren't lying when you said this was a comfy couch. It's so soft and... Jean stop doing that thing!"

"What thing?"

"That nose pinching thing. You look like you're getting a headache or something."

"I AM getting a headache."

"Well try and be nice about it and not break the windows this time. Looks like expensive glazing up here. And I'm really not in the mood to be sucked out the-"

"-So doctor."

"Stop interrupting me!"

"I'm not interrupting. The doctor's time is short, and we, eventually, some time this millennium, need to get round to the topic we came here to discuss. Them."

"Oh yeah. Them."

"You see doctor, they've-"

"-been at it like rabbits. Like Duracell bunnies on Viagra. Like noisy humping vermin that-"

"-What Scott means, doctor, is that we've been unable to sleep for a few weeks now. Our room is next door to a newly...enamoured couple. You've met them in fact. Wolverine...uh I mean Logan, and Rogue. I believe you were instrumental in them resolving their issues and getting together."

"He was?"

"Sit back down Scott."

"But he... No, move out of the way Jean. I'm only going to..."

"You hand is at your visor! I know what you're thinking. You can't go around eye-blasting random shrinks who piss you off, and would both of you PLEASE. SIT. DOWN!"

"..."

"...Jean?"

"Yes Scott?"

"You've gone all dark eyed and veiny again."

"Do I pick holes in your appearance? Do I go around saying, God Scott, your visor really clashes with your jacket today – you get dressed in the dark or something? No. I don't."

"That's not what I-"

"-What next? You going to tell me my ass looks big? That maybe I should think about a diet?"

"Jean, calm down..."

"Calm down? CALM DOWN? I haven't slept for three WEEKS!"

"She's right. It really has been difficult, doctor. At first we thought let them have their night of passion, but they just kept on going! They didn't stop!"

"And it wouldn't be so bad, if it wasn't for the grunting. I mean, ok, we weren't expecting him to be a quiet lover, were we Scott?"

"The man's a dick."

"But every night? For hours? It's all uh ungh *groan* unh yeah baby, like that *growl* FUCK yeah, ungh UNGH."

"Jean?"

"What Scott"

"Please stop, that's actually turning me on, it's... no doctor I don't have any issues with voyeurism. No hearing THEM does not turn me on, just Jean. Well she's my girl, and-"

"-But what about the time he had her against the wall? When all our picture frames kept shaking. You threw down your work, pushed me over the desk and-"

"-I'm sure the good doctor here does not want details Jean, heh heh. Let's just gloss over that shall we. Ok. Maybe that time it was sexy."

"I'll say! I've never seen you quite so-"

"-But it's not just in their room either. They've been caught in the store cupboard, in the library."

"He's right. The staircase and the danger room too."

"And I'll never forget *that* time in the kitchen, with the soup ladle and the three pronged...fork...no Doctor, we don't have fetishes...No, we don't have any problems with... we have a healthy sex life. Jean stop looking at me like that. We do!"

"We *did*. Note the past tense there, doctor. Not present. Scott has been having a few issues..."

"Well you try keeping it up while Logan's grunting like a rabid boar on the other side of the wall. It's distracting!"

"I don't seem to recall you having any problems about Rogue making a lot of noise."

"Yeah well, that's different."

"How is it different?"

"She's a *girl*."

"Yes, but she's all Oh Logan, Logan! Harder! God you're so big. Oh OHH."

"-You're just jealous."

"Of what?"

"*Her*. You've always fancied him."

"I do not! *He* flirts with *me*! That's all there is to it and I...No, doctor. No we've never indulged in swinging. No, that's really not what we came here to discuss-"

"-Well actually there was that one time in Reno."

"Reno...?"

"With the...you know."

"Oh. I forgot about that."

"You still lust after Logan though."

"Scott..."

"You do!"

"SCOTT..."

"Don't 'Scott' me! I just don't see what the big deal is with the guy. I mean he's grouchy, he snarls, he drinks too much, smokes all the goddamn time. These are not good things! And have you seen the shirts he wears? Just... just...*why*?"

"Honestly...?"

"No not honestly! Lie to me. Make me feel better goddamit!"

"Well, in that case it most certainly has nothing to do with his muscles."

"His...? Are you seriously that shallow Jean? No doctor, I don't have issues with my image. I'm perfectly happy with the way I look!"

"Scott..."

"I HAVE MUSCLES TOO DAMN IT! LOOK!"

"Scott, SCOTT! .... Now look what you've done. It'll take ages to sew those buttons back on. Put your shirt back on, it's... mmmm... actually... you know what? Don't bother. You look all... all....'scuse us doctor –sametimenextweek?Good.Seeyou.Bye.