It started out seeming like a normal afternoon.
I was sprawled on a couch in one of the mansion’s living rooms, watching somethin’ on TV. Both of the Danger Room classes I taught were over for the day, so I didn’t have anything particular in mind to do for the rest of the afternoon—until Marie got home from her college classes, anyway.
Kitty was also in the living room, sitting at a table a little ways from me, doing her homework. I thought it was a little strange that she was there—I didn’t see how she could concentrate on her work with the TV blaring in the background. In hindsight, I probably should’ve been more suspicious, should’ve known better than to be in a room alone with one of Marie’s little friends. In my defense, it was usually Jubilee who was the troublemaker, not Kitty.
Quiet, innocent-looking Kitty. I kind of liked her, to be honest. She seemed to know better than to get in my way, unlike some of the mansion’s other residents. And in spite of the fact that she looked about fifteen years old, she was actually pretty capable in a fight—she’d proved that at Alcatraz, earning a grudging measure of respect from me. I guess that’s why I let my guard down there in the living room.
Whatever it was I was watching went to a commercial break, so I hit the mute button on the remote and leaned my head back against the couch, closing my eyes. It couldn’t have been more than thirty seconds before I sensed she was staring at me.
I don’t like being watched. Makes the hairs on the back of my neck stand up, literally. My knuckles began to itch, and I rubbed them automatically as I turned my head to glare in Kitty’s direction. Sure enough, she was looking straight at me. Not being too subtle about it either.
“What?” I grunted.
She just gave me a benign little smile that didn’t fool me for a second. “Mm, it’s nothing, really,” she said nonchalantly. Too nonchalantly.
I shook my head and looked back at the TV. It was obvious that something was on her mind, but I’d never been all that interested in wasting time tryin’ to figure out what went through the students’ heads. If it was really important, I figured, Kitty would just spit it out.
Apparently she had the same thought, because a second later she said casually, “I think you should tell Rogue that you love her.”
A loud clattering sound followed as the remote slipped from my hand and skidded across the floor, coming to a stop under a nearby chair. I sat up straighter on the couch, staring hard at Kitty. “What did you say?”
Her grin was amused and sly at the same time. “Clearly you heard me.”
I popped one claw and pointed it at her. “My relationship with Marie is none of your business,” I growled, giving her a well-practiced scowl for good measure. Not waiting for a response, I hauled myself off the couch and fished under the chair for the remote, muttering curses all the while.
Kitty huffed out a breath and leaned back in her seat, folding her arms. “Rogue’s been acting pretty melancholy for the past few weeks,” she said. “Don’t tell me you haven’t noticed.”
I had noticed, actually. I’d asked Marie what was wrong on more than one occasion, but she never had a concrete answer. I hated seeing her upset, always had, but I didn’t know how to solve the problem if she couldn’t even tell me what the problem was.
Remote firmly in hand, I returned to the couch and raised a skeptical eyebrow at Kitty. “So, if I tell her I love her, it’ll magically make everything all right? That the idea?”
“I’m not saying it’ll solve all her problems, whatever they are,” Kitty said, a little exasperation leaking into her tone—as if I was the crazy one. “But I wouldn’t be surprised if it helped make her feel better. Y’know, verbal confirmation—just hearing someone say the words—is really pretty important.”
I was more than ready to tell her exactly what I thought of that statement, but she continued before I could butt in. “It’s just something I’ve been thinking about for a little while now. I’ll bet it’s been years since anybody told Rogue that they loved her. I talk to my parents a couple times a week, and they always tell me they love me. But Rogue doesn’t have that option with her parents—most of the students here don’t, for that matter. And I know Bobby never told her he loved her.”
She said the last bit with authority, and I raised an eyebrow. She and Bobby had started going out not long after Bobby and Marie’s relationship had ended, so I was willing to take her word for it on that point. Still, the rest of her spiel had left me unconvinced.
“You’ve been watching too many of those dumb chick flicks,” I told her. “Real life ain’t always full of happy endings like the movies.”
She rolled her eyes, clearly asking exactly how naïve do you think I am, anyway? But out loud, all she said was, “Do you have a brilliant idea for how to make Rogue feel better?”
That was the problem. I didn’t.
Kitty was silent for a moment, then asked more softly, “You do love her, don’t you?”
I let out a growl that probably would have made a younger kid wet itself. “What part of ‘none of your business’ did you fail to understand?”
She just looked at me, silently, for a long moment. Then she gave me the weird little smile again, picked up her stuff, and left the room.
“Finally,” I muttered to no one in particular, turning back to the TV and stabbing at the mute button with my finger.
An hour later, I was still parked in front of the TV, but I had no recollection of what I’d watched. Finally, I heaved a disgusted sigh and shut the tube off, mentally alternating between cursing myself and Kitty—her for bringing the subject up, and me for being unable to stop thinking about it.
I sat there in the sudden silence and rehashed her words for the hundredth time, convincing myself that she was wrong. Whatever Marie was all in a funk about had nothin’ to do with me. Most likely it was just one of those mysterious female mood things that had no logic or reason behind them at all.
What was possibly the most unsettling part of the whole situation, though, was the last thing Kitty had said.
“You do love her, don’t you?”
Looked innocent enough on paper, but the way she’d said it—it had been more of a statement than a question. And I was finding that pretty irritating. How could she be so certain about it when I wasn’t even sure myself?
Or was I?
I snorted to myself and leaned forward, staring at my reflection in the darkened TV screen, as if it held all the answers. I wasn’t sure if I was even capable of love. I was a killing machine with claws—no room for flowers and sweet talk and long walks on the beach holdin’ hands and all the rest of that mushy romantic stuff.
Yeah, Marie and I had some kind of bond going. I was willing to admit that much, at least. And yeah, over the past few months I had become very aware that she wasn’t a kid anymore, judging by the places my brain started going whenever she curled up next to me on the couch, laying her head on my shoulder like it was the most natural thing in the world. Then there was the way my eyes automatically gravitated to her whenever she walked into a room, and the way I was somehow willing to tell her things—about myself, about my past—that no one else would ever get to hear.
And of course, there was the fact that only a handful of days after meeting her, I’d been ready to do anything—even die—to make sure she was all right. A lot of things had changed in the years since then, but that wasn’t one of them. Before her, I’d gone for a long time with nothing in particular to live for, no real plan or destination in mind. But when she—without bothering to stop and ask permission—had forced her way into my life, it had suddenly become the most important thing in the world to know that she was alive and happy and safe. And no matter how much I refused to admit it, I knew her wellbeing was going to stay a priority in my life—probably until the day she died, or I died, or the world ended. Whichever came first.
And I had the feeling that that was a lot closer to real love than flowers and flirtin’ and long walks on the beach.
“Well, bub,” I said, glancing back at my reflection in the TV screen, “looks like Kitty was right. We’re done for. If One-Eye were still around, no doubt he’d be havin’ a big laugh at our expense right about now.”
And naturally, it was at that precise moment—the moment I started talking to myself like some kind of blathering idiot—that I heard Marie’s footsteps in the hallway outside the living room. Followed by her sticking her head through the doorway, squinting to let her eyes adjust to the dim light. “Logan?”
I looked up at her from the couch, casual-like, as if I hadn’t just spent the past hour thinking about her. “Hey, Marie.”
She leaned against the doorjamb, smiling at me, looking both amused and a little perplexed. “What’re you doing here in the dark?”
“Nothin’ much,” I replied with a shrug. “Just thinking.”
“Oh.” She shifted slightly, her eyes darting to the floor, then back to me. “Want me to leave you to it?”
“Nah.” I jerked my head towards the spot on the couch next to me. “C’mere.”
Her smile got bigger and her scent shifted a bit as she walked further into the room, settling beside me on the couch. I slipped one arm behind her shoulders, and that was all the invitation she needed to sprawl against me like I was some kind of giant adamantium-laced pillow. Not that I was complaining, or anything.
My arms automatically went around her the way they always did, my fingers threading through her hair. We’d been ending up in this position a lot lately, almost like it was some kind of ritual—curling up on the couch in the evenings, sometimes talking, sometimes watching TV, sometimes just wordlessly enjoying bein’ together.
Tonight, though, Marie didn’t seem to be in a particularly enjoying kind of mood. She blew out a long sigh, leaning against me a little more heavily than she normally did. It reminded me of one of the reasons I’d been sitting here so long in the first place—pondering what I could do to snap her out of this mood she was in.
“Hey.” I nudged her leg with my knee. “You okay?”
“Mmm? Oh. Yeah, I’m fine. Just really tired.” She let out a huge yawn to emphasize her point. “Had a long day.”
“That right?”
“Yeah. I just about fell asleep during my last class. ‘Course, that’s philosophy, so sometimes I almost fall asleep anyway, just out of sheer boredom.” She chuckled, the sound slightly muffled by my shirt.
“Okay,” I said. “If you’re sure.”
“I’m sure. Really,” she replied, either ignoring or not noticing my skepticism. “Now,” she said, taking on a more teasing tone, “will you be quiet so I can get some sleep?”
“Y’know, if you’re really that tired, you could have just gone to bed,” I pointed out.
She grinned. “Yeah, but you’re comfier.”
I was busy trying to decide whether that was a compliment or an insult to my masculinity when she spoke up again. “Hey, Logan?”
“Hmm?”
“Thanks,” she said, followed by another yawn.
“For what?”
She burrowed a little closer and slung her arm across my chest. “Everything,” she answered softly, sounding like she was already halfway to dreamland.
I chuckled deep in my throat. “Anytime.”
The only response was her steady breathing, and we fell into a comfortable silence. It couldn’t have lasted more than a few minutes before a voice sounding suspiciously like Kitty’s popped into my head.
You know, now would be a good time to tell her.
I swallowed a growl. It was bad enough that Kitty had brought up the whole subject earlier, but did she really have to keep pestering me about it when she wasn’t even here?
Then again…Kitty hadn’t said anything about Marie actually having to be awake when I told her.
I looked down at Marie, absentmindedly combing my fingers through her hair. She was either asleep or teetering on the edge of it. Some little part of me protested, knowing it would be a copout to tell her I loved her when she wouldn’t even hear me. But hey, it’s not like I couldn’t tell her again some other time, once I was more used to the idea of resignin’ myself to pansyhood once and for all.
I licked my lips surreptitiously, giving the room a quick once-over. It wouldn’t surprise me if Kitty were hanging around somewhere, waiting to see if I’d deliver. And so help me, if I caught her spying, I’d mount her head on the wall myself.
My scan of the room didn’t turn up any suspicious sounds or smells, though, so my attention turned back to Marie. I swallowed, took a deep breath, and leaned down until my lips were almost touching her hair. “Hey.” My voice was even more gruff than usual, barely above a whisper. “Love you.”
There was a short pause, followed by a barely audible murmur. “Love you too.”
Then her whole body stiffened. She seemed frozen in place for a moment before she finally lifted her head from my shoulder, giving me one of the widest-eyed stares I had ever seen from her.
I swallowed again. Guess she wasn’t completely asleep after all.
I could practically hear the gears in her brain turning as she gaped at me, no doubt wondering if she’d actually heard me correctly or if she’d just been dreaming. Even in the dim light I could make out her flushed face, and her rapid heartbeat was almost painfully loud in the otherwise quiet room.
“Logan,” she said, finally remembering how to talk. Sort of. “What did…uh, I mean, did I just…” She trailed off, took a deep breath, and tried again. “Did you say something just now?”
I was torn between laughing at her stunned expression and growling in frustration at the fact that, after all that internal struggle I’d just finished, she wanted me to say it again. Although I guess it was my own fault for waiting until she was half asleep.
Since I doubted that either laughing or growling would go over well at that particular moment, I settled for grunting an answer to her question. “Yeah.”
Her breathing quickened. “What was it?”
I steeled myself, fighting the urge to break eye contact. It wouldn’t be so bad. I’d just say it fast and get it over with. “Said I love you.”
And to my surprise, it actually wasn’t that bad. Especially considering the look on her face. Made me begin to think that maybe all the internal conflict and fretting was worth it.
She tilted her head, beaming at me with a smile that could only be described as giddy. “This had better not be a dream, because if it is, I’m going to be really upset when I wake up!” she informed me teasingly.
“Well,” I said, pulling her back against me and letting my voice drop a bit, “I would be more than happy to pinch you if you want.”
She laughed at that—a real laugh, one I hadn’t heard in way too long. I smiled, thinking that just maybe, Kitty had been on to something after all.
Not that I would ever admit it.
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Author's Chapter Notes:
This is not a songfic, but it was inspired in part by the dc Talk song "Say The Words (Now)," which, of course, is also where the title comes from.