The phone didn't ring, in fact, it didn't ring until 3.40 am and it was Bobby who spoke first. "Logan? Doctor Grey is here." Listening as the phone was handed over he knew the kid was hovering nearby listening to the conversation.
"Logan?" Jean's voice was tired and she must have been working on adrenaline to even be having this conversation.
"I've found her."
The relief in her voice was almost believable if he hadn't sensed the fear from Marie when he'd held her and understood that she thought he was sending her back.
"Where are you? We'll come collect you, it wouldn't take long the jets just got back and we'll be there as quick as we can."
"Jean." His tone stopped her dead; "We're not coming back." He could hear the confusion settle through her and heard Bobby move closer to the phone.
"Why not?"
"I was hoping you'd fill me in on that one. What did you do to her Jean? What have they all done to her?" The anger in his voice was rising, trying to keep calm he stroked her streak with his fingers, feeling the brittleness of the hair.
"I don't understand, Logan what has she told you…" he'd had enough of them trying to dodge the question.
"Jean either you fucking tell me straight or by all that's holy I'll come an beat it out of you!" Jean's voice became cold and indifferent.
"It would help if I knew what you wanted to know Logan."
Settling his breathing a little he thought before he spoke again.
"Why would she rather die than come back to you?" The intake of breath was slight but he heard it, Jean recovered well but the slight shake in her voice was enough to know he'd rattled her perfect cage.
"Rogue was a little depressed, we all tried to help bring her out of it but she preferred to be alone. I even tried to give her counselling about the dreams she had…" Logan cut her off there.
"What dreams?"
"She has nightmares, they started about a week after you left. Experiments she said, sometimes an internment camp." The truth settled on his bones like lead, she was having his nightmares Magneto's too by the looks of it, a bitterness entered his voice.
"You didn't think to contact me about it?"
"No, why? Would you have come back over a few nights of bad dreams?"
Jean didn't know what she was saying; she hadn't been in one, the feelings of being opened up by knives and scalpels, the stink of burning metal and bone. The sickness it woke you with, the urge to throw up water that wasn't there, he knew his answer, he would have
come back if someone had told him. After all her first reaction to their first night under the roof of Xavier's had been to comfort him when he'd been going through one of them. He'd have come back for her because she had for him; his hand rested on her shoulder smoothing her hair.
"Jean, I want to know what you talked to her about, about me." Jean had told him Marie was taken with him when he'd woken up, and he'd known that when he'd seen her in the foyer. It was in her eyes but she hadn't asked him stay she knew his need to find something of his life was important to him and she'd understood it. She hadn't liked
it but she'd understood it and so he'd left her where he thought she was safe, they'd looked like good people it was only now he was seeing them for what they were.
"I told her the truth Logan, that you weren't interested in her. That you'd done the best you could and you'd come back one day probably with someone in tow. It was best for her to know the truth Logan, I mean you weren't exactly shy with me or Storm."
It was the truth he had to admit he wasn't interested in her like every other woman he saw. He wanted her to be safe, protected, cared for, not just a quick fuck and to be forgotten down the road. Jean's voice changed, deepening as she spoke, "Are you coming home? We've
missed you here Logan, I'm sure you'd be happy here if you'd let yourself." The words were sweet but he could taste the bile within them, Marie's head shifted a little and he saw her pale skin against the dark blue of his jeans. Jean wanted him there but she hadn't asked much about Rogue, not if she was healthy or if she was injured.
Steeling his heart Logan answered.
"Rogue."
"What?" The confusion in Jean's voice solidifying his thoughts about her.
"Rogue, I'm calling about her Jean, not about you. What did you tell her?"
Her tone was positively icy now, "I told her the truth, that you wouldn't be interested in someone you couldn't touch." Logan's hand stopped stroking her hair and his breathing slowed the silence in the room built into towering thunderheads a potential awaiting release. Slowly and very calmly Logan knew he didn't want to talk to them anymore, understanding that Jean was more concerned about herself then she ever had been about Marie.
"Goodbye Jean and tell Chuck if he ever tries to contact me again I'll make him regret ever doing it." He put the phone down and pulled the thing from the wall, there was no way he was going to ever go back there. He didn't want either of them near people who thought like that, they saw Marie and took her in as a charity case. Untouchable, unlovable but maybe a weapon to be honed and used in the
correct way, *their* way.
Like a spoiled child at Christmas with too many presents, they sifted through the mutant population giving those they thought could be useful in their fight a home. Leaving the others to fend for themselves or join up with Magneto, at last Magneto told them what they were getting into at the start. The X-geeks just let the weight of peer pressure and emotional guilt do it for them, he could just see it now. Marie having to kow-tow to the demands of the teachers, for her to have a space all around her `just to be on the safe side'.
To train alone because it was too risky for her to be around others when her skin was on show, not to swim or
wear something a normal teenager could. Even her sleep was haunted by others nightmares and dreams, waking up and knowing you were alone, at least when he had a nightmare he could go find some company. Someone he could lose himself in even if it was for a few hours, Marie didn't even have that. Just the thought of her waking up alone in his room at the mansion and knowing how much she must have wanted someone there to hold her, someone not to be afraid of her skin. Knowing it should have been him, just to hold her for a moment while the sickness left her stomach.
He knew what isolation did to you, it made you withdraw and the further you withdrew the less human you became to those around you. Guilt burned in his chest, pulling her up off his lap he laid down fully dressed with her head on his chest listening to his heartbeat and his breath. Holding her to him as she went back into deep sleep,
whispering into her hair before he closed his own eyes, "Your home Marie, nothin's gonna hurt ya now. Not anymore."
**********************************************************
She'd slept well for the first time in months, her eyes opened on the scene of Logan coming out of the bathroom half naked, she was on the bed wrapped up in blankets. His eyes met hers immediately and he came over still wet from the shower, beads of water were dripping from his
hair and sideburns landing on her bare fingers. Suddenly as if she'd just remembered she tried to hide her hands, Logan's own hands stopped her own.
"No. Not with me Marie, you keep them uncovered hear me?" His gaze was fierce primal and she just nodded, a smile enteredhis face as he touched her hair. "How you feelin' this morning?"
Marie considered everything, how she felt, how she was doing inside and who was here with her; a small smile crept across her face as she met his gaze.
"Better than yesterday."
His gaze deepened a little as he shifted around to sit properly on the bed, he still hadn't let go of her hair twisting it in his fingers.
"Marie, what happened? Why did you try to kill yourself yesterday? What did you think I was going to do, take you back?"
His proximity made her need to touch him surface, she needed to be held but he wasn't safe like this, he noticed her discomfort and pulled his shirt over. Dropping it over his head and pulling her into his embrace so her head rested on his shoulder, the still wet hair tickling her skin.
"Ah thought you'd want them to collect me, so you could get on with everything you were doin'." He sighed heavily and rumbled in his chest, the vibration going through her and making her hold him tighter.
"Marie, I didn't know what had been goin on there. If I had, I'd have been back a hell of a lot sooner. I'm sorry I left you there Marie, I never should have left you with them, you should have come with me. At least then I knew you'd have been safe when the dreams came."
That made her move her head up to look at him, eyes wide, she was about to ask when Logan told her. "I called home, they told me about them and some other stuff too but I want you to tell me." He looked pained and upset by the news of her dreams, as if he was to blame for them which
he was in a way, but he wasn't for the way she'd been treated when she'd had them. Seeing the hurt in him open for her to look at she realised she had to tell him everything pour out the poison so they could start again, she just hoped he'd want to after what she told him.
Not sure where to start, Marie just began telling him her routine, up at 6am, down to the kitchen for a quick breakfast alone. Going out to the track to run for an hour, moving inside for an hour on the machines when the rest of the school were eating breakfast. From there to her room to shower and change, then off to class, Logan interrupted her then. "You sit with anyone?" Her face must have answered for her because he just asked her to carry on; she covered lunch on the roof in the small container garden with Storm. Logan amended his `to kill' list leaving Storm on the `just maim' for now as he listened to the rest of her day.
After class, there were several clubs and activities but she made others uncomfortable and she'd stopped going after a month. Doing her homework instead in her room alone, watching tv or reading after it was done. She told him about her going outside to watch the stars, the feeling of peace it gave her, as if everything could stop and she'd still be safe.
Logan listened to her life, to the restraints and rules that were all over it, he asked several questions yet the answers were always the same, `It's not safe for me to do that Logan, not where there are others'. He watched as she slowly wound herself up with the telling of it, until she was covered nearly head to toe with the blanket. Her
face the only thing showing, the look in her eyes dead and dull, an automaton, something alive but not aware.
"So what did Jean say to you?" His words made her eyes swing upward to meet his and the look in them almost ripped him apart the pain residing in them was so acute. Her words were slow in coming so he knew she'd thought about it before speaking to him.
"She said you didn't care about something you didn't know. That you'd come home with someone, that you'd forget about me out there. Thing was she never forgot about you."
The last bit of her outpouring struck home the final piece of the telephone conversation making sense to him now, dropping her gaze Marie just held herself in the
blanket. Wrapping his arm around her he forced her to look at him, her eyes were wet but the tears were unshed. Her chin trembled as she spoke, the pleading tone of her voice made him hate himself for leaving her there, to the indifference and neglect. "You didn't forget me did you? You did remember ah was there didn't you?" He nodded to her the words lodged as he tried to get past the blockage
in his throat, clearing it he answered her looking at her as he told her the truth.
"Yeah I didn't forget you, I just got lost out there for a while. Chasing stuff that wasn't important when I could have been finding out about what was going on with you there. I should have come back sooner, hell I'd still be out there if they hadn't rung to see if I'd seen you." His own guilt ran across his face and Marie grabbed it.
"No, you had to go, it was important to you Logan. It's what you've been looking for all this time." Now she was crying, her tears were for *him* not for herself, that she'd stopped him from finding what he'd been searching for.
Holding her close, he spoke into her hair, "There's nothing to find Marie, whatever was there is long gone. I'll never know the truth but I know this, I fucked up by leaving you alone. I made a promise and I'm going to keep it, you're the one good thing I've done so far and I almost fucked it up. You can bet your life it's not gonna happen again." He could scent her relief, as if he'd told her she'd just won the lottery, her hands opened the blanket and she turned to hold him. Her voice thick as she held onto him, telling him she wouldn't be a burden, she'd do as he told her when he told her. Logan held her and felt his heart lighten a little as she moved to look at him, her eyes were red and her skin blotchy yet to him she'd never looked better.
"There's something else ah need to tell you," her voice wavered a little and his brows creased.
"What?" Marie fumbled with the blanket and she dropped her gaze to her hands, her nerves filling the room, he had to try to stay calm for her sake but her body language was screaming terror at him.
"Marie what is it? What happened to you?" His mind was filling in all sorts of horrific spiteful things that could have happened to her while he was away. Finally, she looked at him, eyes filled with remorse.
"Ah lost your tags." He sat for a second and the relief he felt flood his mind was unbelievable, sighing he pulled her closer.
"Fuck, is that all?"
Marie looked confused her brows were knitted together and she looked as if she'd been expecting him to blow his top at her. "But ah lost them, in the lake at the school. They fell off and the some of the other students began throwing them between themselves, one of them missed." The memory of the day returned to her gaze and Logan saw the hurt rise he made her look at him.
"Hey, it don't matter. There's nothing there I want anyway, I've been lookin' behind me when I should have been lookin' at what's in front of me." The words left his mouth and he saw her slowly understand what he was saying, it wasn't the tags he'd been coming back for it
had been her and only her. Not Jean, not the red head with the killer legs and come to bed eyes, this was confusing, the Logan in her head had been concerned for her, wanted to keep her safe. He'd made a promise to her one he'd never made to anyone else, why he had suddenly seemed important, gathering her courage she plowed into the question that was burning across her mind.
"Why me Logan?" He let her go a little and looked at her face, seeing her eyes clearing and her voice stronger, she shuffled back a little and dropped the blanket that had been wrapped tight around her. "Why did you promise that to me Logan, you hardly knew me, you still don't."
He'd known that one day she'd ask him this, needing a reason as to why he'd gone out of his way to help her when he gave everyone else around him a wide berth. He wasn't good with explaining his emotions; he just acted how he felt, knowing inside that there was something
worth helping in her. Looking at her, he could see her need to hear his answer, to know why he'd done so much for her when he didn't have to. Hell, he'd risked his life for her more times, than he'd ever done in the fifteen years he could remember. Blowing out a breath he
sat back on the bed, laying out across the end and fixing her with his stare, he wanted to make sure she understood and believed what he was about to say.
"You're different." He paused, "You're like me, different. You make me want to help you because we're the same, we fit in a way." Watching her face as the blush began to creep over her skin, "Not in that way kid, but something like it. I can't explain it well enough; you just make me feel good when you're around, like I mean something in the world. Instead of being someone people avoid, they look at me different when I'm with you. I'm not saying you're here just to make me feel better, you make a part of me complete somehow. Ever since Laughlin, I've felt it, tried to ignore it, push it onto you especially when Jean told me you cared for me. Make it go away by going after something I knew I'd never get to the bottom of, but you were still there. Even in the ruins of that place you were there with me, part of me wished I'd brought you along but I kind of drowned it out."
She smiled then her own mind showing her the memory of a tawny haired barmaid with hazel eyes and a warm welcome.
"Misty." Logan almost smiled when he heard her speak the name, he just nodded and turned toward her reaching out a hand to her own covered arm. Squeezing her arm and stroking the flesh underneath the soft flannel, "I need you, like you need me. We fit, why I don't know but we do and that's all that matters to me. You matter to me." He
punctuated the words with his grip on her arm watching as her naked fingers hovered over his own tracing the lines between his knuckles where they both knew his blades rested. Her eyes had a strength to them when she spoke again.
"Would you have…if ah'd asked you to…" she left the sentence open and they both knew what she'd been asking, would he have killed her if she'd asked him to. Letting her go if things had become too much for her, if the voices in her head had swamped her own, the Logan in her
head was telling her not to ask this, not now. She noticed the tired pained look enter his eyes and the lines on his face deepen a little, he was thinking it over and she watched as the blades slid out silently. He raised them up for her to see her own reflection in
them, the look in his eyes was filled with sadness and remorse but he answered her.
"Marie, as long as I live I'll never hurt you on purpose but if you asked me and there was no other way…" he paused as she worked out his answer. The Logan in her head was telling her it would never come to that, he'd never allow it to come to that. She gave her full
attention to the look on his face as he spoke, the deep regret and sorrow lodged in his gaze. "Yeah, for you I would but I'd follow you soon after. Life wouldn't be worth much without ya there with me, I've been alone too long as it is."
Marie felt the weight of his stare and realised how selfish she'd been; not thinking about how he might feel about helping her let go of life. Knowing that it'd be his blades that separated her from life, his violence that took her light from his already dark world. Hearing him say it, seeing how much he wasn't saying but his touch on her arm and the look in his eyes said everything else. He did love her, just not in the way everyone else thought, she meant more than that to him. Other women come and go in his bed but she'd always be in his heart because she made life worthwhile for him, someone he
could care for because she let him, she wanted him to. After all, she'd made him promise on the train before Magneto had taken her and the small flare of joy in his gaze when he'd given it wasn't something she'd made up.
To know that someone like her actually wanted him around, someone who cared as much about him as he did her.
"Ah love you Logan," she blushed as she said it and she saw his breath catch. The Logan in her head was silent as the words left her mouth, knowing he was listening as much as the one in front of her now. The look on their faces almost identical as he moved back toward her, his arms open for her to shuffle into. When she was safe in his embrace, his chin resting on her head he purred his own reply, the vibration warming her further. "I know kid, I…" he hesitated and she filled the silence.
"Ah know Logan, ah have you up here remember?" He squeezed her a little and he could feel the smile on her face, he couldn't say it but he had shown her more than once how he felt about her. A word, one that was used too easily by people who didn't understand it's true value, when he eventually said it to her they'd both know how
much it would mean to each other. He wasn't ready to say it and she wasn't ready to hear it, in time maybe but not now.
**********************************************************
They spent the rest of the day talking about the things she'd done while he'd been away and he shared a few things about where he'd been and what he'd found. The conversation wasn't the thing, the words could've been anything, it was the company and the companionship they
both needed.
He made breakfast, bacon, toast and strong coffee and made sure she ate her share. When she was dressed in a pair of his jeans and a shirt he gave her his denim to wear so her arms would be completely covered. They went out into Meridian, into her home and together they walked the once familiar streets to her old home. All the time they were walking, she told him about the dreams she'd had before everything had gone wrong. He had his arm wrapped around her shoulders giving her support as they went, passing the stores that were once her and her mothers favourites. Sensing her need for him to hold her, he was wearing his gloves and he moved his hand into hers, just as a figure walked out of the dry cleaners ahead of them.
The dress was her favourite, the rose pattern flattering her shape as her mother turned toward them both her hands filled with dry cleaning bags. Marie felt herself stop dead and Logan quickly looked at the woman in front of them, seeing the resemblance immediately. He was about to say something when the woman noticed them both, her eyes
locked onto her daughter's then onto their hands. Finally looking at Logan with barely disguised hatred in her gaze she just turned and walked to her car, Marie was in shock. The look of pure hate that had come from her mother ripping through her chest and killing everything
inside her dead. Logan watched her throw the car into gear and the almost reckless speed she drove away, several horns blaring their annoyance at her. Only when she was out of sight did he look at Marie, her face was set and her grip on his hand was making her skin white. Tears were standing proud in her eyes but she wasn't letting them fall, a wry smile was on her face as if she'd just been handed a joke only she understood.
Logan pulled on her hand and she turned her gaze to his concerned one, the smile slipped as the first tear fell
and he just pulled her into him. Rubbing her back as she cried in the street, his own looks keeping people away from them both, when she was ready he pulled her down the street. Back to his apartment, she'd had enough for one day and he needed some time to deal with the feeling he'd had from her mother. Her look of hate had made him want
to tear into her, to rip her apart for hurting Marie, for injuring her in such a way that he couldn't fix easily.
When they got back Marie went to sleep for a while, her form wrapped up in his bed, upset and hurting he let her sleep, that was until she'd woken and looked at him. Her naked hand reaching out to him as he sat on the sofa, he'd gotten up and let her pull him onto the bed with her. Wrapping himself around her as she'd cried silently,
knowing he didn't have to do anything but be there. His presence was enough to calm her and soon she was asleep again this time with his own comforting weight next to her.
Both of them woke around 8pm, hungry and restless. Deciding to go out they went to find food; Marie guided him to a small restaurant, knowing he'd like the steak here. The place was small, family run and she even managed to smile once or twice, it was over dessert that she dropped her bombshell and she was surprised Logan didn't choke on his coffee. "Logan ah want to go home, mah old home that is." He looked at her and saw something different in her eyes, something had changed inside and he wasn't sure what it was.
"You sure?" She nodded as the waiter passed them by.
"As sure as you love hockey."
Quirking an eyebrow he knew she knew how much he loved the game, the one relaxing thing he could follow without having to think about it too much. Her face had a small smile on it and the look in her eye reminded him of a mongoose that had just seen the snakes nest.
"Okay, but I'm coming with you." His voice was deep and his meaning wasn't lost on her, he was making sure nothing happened to her. She reached over and squeezed his gloved hand, making him smile with her touch.
"Ah couldn't do this without you," her face showed a little weakness then, recovering slightly, she tapped the side of her head. "You give some good advice Logan, ah can't let this hold me back. Ah've got some things to say to her, she might not like them but they're the truth. If ah don't ah'll be stuck here forever and ah don't want
that."
He understood her way of thinking, he'd gone after his own
past knowing if he hadn't he'd have regretted not doing it. He saw her smile and she winked at him, "Maybe after we're done here we can take the long way back to Westchester. Might as well get everything done at once eh?" She was serious and a part of him rejoiced at the
thought of going back and causing some trouble in their so-called mutant paradise.
"When we've done this we'll take the long way, maybe via Alaska." He knew Marie had always wanted to see the vast open spaces there, to breathe in air and know she was as far from humans as it was possible to get. A warmth entered her gaze as she finished her dessert, confidant in her movements, knowing he was with her as long as she
needed him to be.
**********************************************************
The next morning she was stood in the porch of her old home, the veranda was still sticky, the whitewash had been redone recently. Logan was stood only two feet away but it felt like miles, seeing him stood stock still, arms folded just watching her gave her the nerve
to knock. What seemed like hours passed before the door opened and her aunt stood there in surprised shock, "Mah God! I didn't believe it when she told me," she didn't reach out to her or look at anything but her face. Marie was dressed in the same clothes as yesterday, her
hands lost in the arms of the denim; she mentally shook herself and spoke to her aunt.
"Is Mama home?" The soft words galvanised the woman in front of her and a despairing look passed her eyes, Marie knew before the words came out, she wasn't there.
"Marie honey your Mama, she…" tears were already falling when she felt Logan's hands wrap around her back, supporting her, holding her up. If her aunt noticed, she didn't comment on Logan's presence.
"Where is she?"
The sigh that left her aunt was sad telling her of
her own distaste of what was going on in their family.
"She's gone to Alabama, a church retreat. She wasn't going to go until…" Marie nodded understanding what had triggered her going. Seeing her and Logan together yesterday, seeing her smiling and laughing with someone whom cared about her. "Come in, please we need to talk about this." Her aunts hand reached out to her and she felt the growl come from behind her more than hearing it. It filled her completely firing the anger she had inside her own mind, drowning out the pain of rejection and fuelling her hatred of being thought of as worthless by her family.
"No! Ah came here to make mah peace with her but she's gone. There's nothing else to stay here for," her eyes blazed showing her aunt the fire she had inside her. "Tell her ah was here if ya want to, it doesn't matter to me anymore." Turning away, she felt the supportive hands of Logan wrap around her, her aunts tearful voice reaching them both as they left the white veranda.
"Ah'll tell her Marie an ah'll tell her your happy without her honey. You don't need her anymore but if y'all need me ah'm here."
They both stopped and turned to look at the small woman stood on the veranda; "You got mah number honey? Mah home one?" Marie nodded and she saw her aunt smile wiping her own eyes with the heel of her hand. "Ah'm going home when she gets back, you know where to find me if ya need me honey. Go with God and be safe out there." With that
simple blessing she turned away and let her go, opening the door to the house that no longer seemed as big or as important to her.
Logan tightened his grip on her and they left the past behind, the hurt still swirling around her heart but at least she knew where she stood now. She had one friend in her family she could talk to, it was all she needed, smiling as she walked down the familiar streets feeling lighter the further she went until there was nothing but Logan keeping her grounded. Her anchor to the ground, the solid force that held her safe and helped her to steer her way through this pain.
Smiling at him, she saw his gaze lift a little and warm as they got back into town, seeing his features calculating how he could get them out of here without drawing too much attention to themselves. She didn't care how she left, what was important was that she was with
someone who gave a damn and she cared about him. No matter what the world threw at them, they'd always have each other, squeezing his hand she brought his attention back to her. "Come on lets get out of here, ah'm too warm here. Lets go where it's got some snow." The grin
that covered his face warmed her through better than a day resting in the sun could; nodding and pulling her along they headed out. Not sure of where they were going but it'd be together and that's what mattered.
**********************************************************
Epilogue
*********
The dusty old van rolled upto the pristine gates, the ironwork re- enforced with several new bars. The stonework glowing honey in the afternoon light, the sounds of children playing inside reached the occupants ears. They sat in silence for a while just looking at the
gates, knowing what was beyond them was something unfinished, something that still rankled in both their minds. Yet as they looked at each other a shared communication passed unspoken between them and Logan threw the van into reverse.
As they were going back down the autumn coloured road a familiar tickle entered their heads, the unspoken voice welcoming them back his words being ignored by both of them. It'd wait, they had more life to live before they came back to be judged and pronounced guilty for living the way they wanted to. Travelling the continent, working
for who and when they wanted, keeping each other close, their own moral compasses locked together. Logan gripped Marie's bare hand in his own, control had a price and that was trust, it had taken a couple of years but she'd done it alone without anyone else in her head. When you can love yourself, accepting what you are and can
begin to love it, then anything is possible. Smiling at him Marie flicked on the radio, filling the calm silence with a beat of life, together still, the road beckoned them onward. Happiness isn't in the big things, it's knowing your with someone gives a damn.
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