Logan left again after Alkali Lake. I knew he would, and I watched him leave. I saw him pause at the doorway and look back, something the Wolverine in my head said he'd never done before. But I couldn't let myself care. I didn't rush out to say goodbye to him this time. My broken heart was still hurting too much. I still couldn't believe that he'd failed to protect me when I'd gotten sucked out of the Blackbird. He hadn't even tried! Instead it was Kurt who'd brought me back, while Logan just sat in his seat looking helpless. I could have forgiven him for that. I did know, after all, that there really was no way for him to save me that time. But it wasn't the only time he let me down.
Bobby, John, and I were gathering firewood while we waited for the Blackbird to be repaired during the Alkali mission when I saw them. I couldn't stop myself from watching as Logan kissed Jean and then Jean walked away. For a moment there was weakness on the Wolverine's face, and I didn't know if I should love or hate Jean for putting it there. Either way, I knew I'd never forget that night. My heart had been broken.
In my anger of having my dreams crushed I found my strength. I flew the Blackbird. Not well, but I did it. Bobby couldn't believe I had even tried. He was such a boy then, he still is today. That's when I knew we would never work out. Me with people in my head who had seen far more than someone my age should, and he who had lived such a protected life until the attack on the mansion. Storm and Scott saw me differently after that. I'd gone from being a child to protect to a teammate in that instant.
That is why, even through his grief, Scott insisted that Bobby and I be given uniforms and join the team at the White House. Logan said nothing. It was obvious he didn't approve. He wouldn't even look at me. At the White House he stayed across the room from me. I told myself that I didn't care. I was an X-man now. Instead I stayed near Scott, hoping that would at least annoy Logan.
Once we got back to the mansion I knew Logan would leave, so I watched him go from my window. Even though I hated him for wanting Jean I still felt like a part of me was dying. I couldn't stop the tears I felt rolling down my face, so I gave up fighting them and cried like the little girl I hadn't been for so long.
That's how Scott found me. He didn't say anything, just walked over and put his arms around me like only Logan had since I'd become untouchable. Then he cried too. We never talked about it, but we both knew that we shared the hurt of losing someone we had loved. We didn't love each other like we had loved them, but love wasn't what we were looking for. It hurt too much to love. But Scott was willing to touch and I was willing to be touched, even if it did have to be through a protective layer of clothing, so our relationship began.
It took a long time for everyone at Xavier's to accept Scott and me together. Maybe they could see that we were both settling for something we didn't really want. Over time the awkward silences whenever we entered a room stopped. We even double dated with Kurt and Ororo a few times. I would almost say we were happy.
We had our first fight on the anniversary of the Liberty Island incident. I remembered it as a near death experience that I would rather forget and had developed a tradition of drowning myself in a bottle of whiskey on that night. Besides, if I thought about it I would think of Logan, and that was not something I would let myself do.
Scott had other plans. He remembered it as a victory. The X-men had defeated Magneto's plan, put the villain in prison, and had zero casualties.
He agreed to go out for drinks, but couldn't understand why I would prefer to stay in a secluded corner and drink myself into oblivion. We should be having fun, get up and dance! Finally he gave up and said he was going home. I could come with or call for a ride when I was ready to be happy again. I didn't think I'd ever be happy again, so I stayed at the bar. That's when I met him.
Nick Crosby sat down across from me and asked to buy me a drink. I looked him over suspiciously and nodded yes. He wasn't a handsome man, but not ugly either. His sandy hair fell over his forehead and shadowed his grey eyes while he leaned back and lit his cigarette. Our drinks arrived and I downed mine and gave Nick a challenging look. He gave me a little sneer and told me he knew someplace we could go and get really lost. I told him to take me there.
I don't know what I was expecting, but this place was right out of a bad made-for-television movie. We ended up in a dimly lit basement that was so damp it chilled you right to the bone. About twenty people were sitting around drinking and smoking what I was pretty sure weren't cigarettes. I knew it wasn't a place I should be, but I couldn't make myself leave.
Nick handed me a glass filled with a dark liquid and one of those not-cigarettes, so I took them. What a feeling! I was soon so far gone I was numb. I couldn't focus enough to think and I couldn't feel my body. I didn't even notice the rest of them shooting up until Nick grabbed my arm and asked if I'd let him do the honors. I could feel Eric and Logan, and even a faint David telling me that I was out of control and had better stop this now, but that was just one more reason to say yes. Only my skin was stopping me, until I noticed that Nick was wearing gloves. I whispered please, and that was all he needed. I found the escape I had been longing for.
I awoke in the basement among sleeping bodies and stale vomit. I had to get out of there. Having no idea where I was, I picked a direction and walked until I came upon a small gas station. The kid working the cash register called me a cab and it took me back to Xavier's. Luck was on my side, I didn't see anyone on my way to my room. Scott was still asleep when I entered, so I snuck into the shower to clean myself of the dirtiness I felt.
When I stepped back into the bedroom Scott was gone. He avoided me until dinner and then acted like everything was normal. I played along. We never talked about my night out, instead we started falling apart. At first we just irritated each other. We would fight for a week because one of us left a wet towel on the bathroom floor. Then the fights got bigger, about my lack of ambition to do anything with my life, why I never became a full-blown X-man, how we could have had it all, could have walked in the sky but we stare at the wall.
Still, neither of us left. We needed each other to exist, we were afraid to be alone. Then our fights grew to include Logan and Jean. We'd never let things get this far before, and when Scott accused me of still waiting for Logan to come back, I ran. I ran straight to Nick Crosby.
I had a mission this time. I wanted all the pain to go away. I found Nick and I begged him to help me, and he did, but for a price. Soon it became a routine. Scott and I would fight about the pasts we had never let go, I would leave to escape the pain, and when I came back we would act like nothing had happened. Eventually this routine left me pretty broke, so I would ask Scott for money. I'm sure he wondered how I could spend so much money shopping without ever bringing anything home, but he never said anything. I guess he didn't care to know the truth.
After a while it wasn't just the fights that made me want to escape, it was everything. I didn't need something as big as a reminder that Logan had left to push me to seek escape anymore. An off-hand comment meant as a joke, even something as trivial as a broken nail was a good enough reason for me.
I was always careful to be away from Scott when I used the needle to escape. I would run to Crosby's, hide out on the roof of the mansion, or double check when Scott was expected back from a mission. But the last mission had ended early and Scott had walked in on me. He just stood in the doorway, his emotions hidden behind that damn visor he was cursed to wear.
Then he said, "I know where the money's gone – I know what you do, `cos I've seen the hole in your arm and the needle's a better screw. But oh, what will you do alone? `cos I have to go," and walked out on me.
Now I'm alone again, but I realize that I've always been alone. Nothing can fill the emptiness inside of me, so this time instead of a needle I use a razor, and I escape forever.
"The Living Dead" by Suede
Where's all the money gone – I'm talking to you,
All up the hole in your arm,
Is the needle a much better screw?
But oh, what will you do alone? `cos I have to go.
Where is this life of fun you promised me?
Nothing here works but your works and I mean it.
I have to leave.
But oh, what will you do alone? `cos I have to go.
If I was the wife of an acrobat would I look like the living dead,
boy?
You're on the wire and I can't get back,
Let's talk about the living dead
Could have had a car, could have had it all,
Could have walking in the sky but we stare at the wall
I know where the money's gone – I know what you do
`cos I've seen the hole in your arm
and the needle's a much better screw.
But oh, what will you do alone? `cos I have to go.
The Wolverine & Rogue Fanfiction Archive
Barely Legal Since 2000
Author's Chapter Notes:
Written for the X-men Lyric Wheel. Lyrics: "The Living Dead" by Suede. Submitted by: Jonas Thorell. This isn't a strong W/R piece, but feelings are implied, so I hope its okay to post it here...and that you can forgive the more obvious pairing. I really am a W/R shipper!