'How did you know,
Which things hurt
And which slice me open when I swallow,
Needing is never easy to admit,
Now more than ever.'
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Christmas was here.
Lights, laughter, joy, kids running rampant, sugar and presents, baking smells and food runs that went into the thousands. It was as if everyone was giving it a thousand percent this year, even some of the old students had returned to help out, Bringing family and friends showing the residens that the world wasn't as hopeless as they'd thought it was. That there was a point to doing what they were doing, by living and sharing life with the people around them.
Pity he didn't feel it. He'd been a little more open, come to breakfast, eaten lunch in the kitchen and made appearances at dinner. Marie always there watching him eat, her own meals being eaten in his eyeline, she was busy with several classes but she made sure to check in with him at least once in the day. Whether it was to ask for him to pass the peas or to just pass him in the corridor and smile at him. He hadn't felt the ache as badly for a while but now the celebrations were gearing up he wanted to leave. Thing was he couldn't, Ro' had brought the snow down so the kids could play in it. They were going to have a perfect christmas and the last thing they needed was a Grinch at the feast. The key burned in his pocket, he'd taken to carrying it around with him, just in case. The weight of it suddenly increasing he tore out of the laughter and didn't notice a pair of dark brown eyes following his footsteps.
The shed was warm, cosy almost, the smell of rich topsoil and compost almost making up for the chemical smell of the weedkillers. There was a table in the one the key opened, a bottle covered in dust, a kettle, two mugs and a jar of instant expresso.
The kettle had just switched off boiling when he sensed her just outside the door, "You might as well come in, I can hear you breathin."
Marie opened the door, her body wrapped up in her green duffle again, this time her hood was fully drawn over her face. There was an extra smell with her too, sugar and cinnamon, her hand in her pocket she closed the door behind her before dropping the hood and turning the small gas heater up a little so she could see better. When her glvoed hand came out of her pocket a few reindeer shaped biscuits came out with it. Dropping them on the table she kept one and nibbled on the edge of it.
Logan had heard the kids talking about the baking, realising that it had been Marie who'd led the class. Seeing the little sugar frosted hooves and antlers he gave a smile as she bit into her creation.
"You know that Santa's reindeer are female don't ya? Only females retain their antlers in the middle of winter, kind of makes all those names meaningless when you think about it." Her introspective gaze didn't move but she did stop nibbling on her stolen treat.
"When were ya goin' to tell me Logan?" The words dropped cold ice into his stomach, he'd hoped to avoid this but now she was here he couldn't run away from it.
"I wasn't."
Her gaze pinned him to the chair he was sat in as his hands made the coffee, making his extra strong and hers just this side of bearable. Handing her the mug she took it gratefully as he swigged the dark heady mixture feeling the caffiene rush go round his blood. Marie's gaze didn't move from him when he finally looked back at her. She was angry with him and he decided it was time to defend his decisions.
"It's not such a big deal Marie."
Her silence made him rethink his words when she just sat back and scrutinised him. Her eyes softening as she looked through him and gave it some thought.
"Okay. But you promise me something."
"What?"
'Promise', the word that still tied him to her even now, the word that had slipped from his lips all that time ago.
"Promise me Logan," her words were sharp and he knew he'd have to agree.
"Tell me what to first an then I'll see."
Marie shook her head and pulled on the hot coffee in her hands, "No, you promise me *first* then I'll tell you." Sighing Logan felt his internal battle raging, he wanted to be there with her but there was a part of him that was screaming that he owed her nothing and who was she to ask him 'anything'.
Sighing he just rested with the cup on his stomach as his eyes roved over Marie's huddled shape in the warming fug of the shed.
"Okay, I *promise*." A small smile quirked along her face and she let her coat open a little, revelaing her scent to him. Pleased, surprised and calm she let him know just what he'd promised himself to.
"Christmas dinner, with me, here."
He sat back in shock, his hand nearly crushed the mug into bits, eyes scanning the decor around them and the stink of the weedkiller over riding the sweet smell of the peat.
"WHAT?!"
"You heard me Logan, you're not spendin' Christmas in your room, *alone*." She emphasised the word 'alone' and she moved forward to where she was only a few feet between him and her. Her gaze was soft and in the light of the heater she looked older, calmer, her dark eyes roving over his own features, trying to find his reasons on his face.
"Ah know ya don't want ta be here Logan, hell Ah knew that when the first snow's came down just before Thanksgivin'. If it hadn't been for Ro' ya'd be out there now." It was just the way she said it that made him wonder if she'd had words with the weather goddess about him. She beat him to it, "An before ya ask, no Ah didn't. It was all Ro's idea, she wanted the kids to have a Christmas to remember."
She drank a little more coffee and her mouth made an interesting shape, "Jeez Logan what're tyin to do turn mah kidneys into raisin's?" She added more warm water to her mug and took a sip, "Better." Her eyes locked with his and he saw her weighing him up in her gaze. Offering him a reindeer cookie she held it out until he took it from her.
He played with it until his nose took over and his stomach decided it wanted to see if it tasted as good as it smelled. It went in two bites while Marie was still nibbling on her own. The others followed the one he'd devoured, Marie's eyes sparkled as she watched him eat.
"So, what now?"
Logan wiped his hands and looked at her, she'd gotten him to promise that he wouldn't leave here, that he'd have dinner with her in here instead of the main hall. He'd made the decision and it had come out in conversation with Ro' as she'd been making the seating plans.
Ro' had just blinkd at him and shrugged, she had too much on her mind to worry about him yet when Marie had found out she'd been on his trail. Waiting until he made the move to his bolt hole, the one she'd given him.
"What do you want from me Marie?" He felt tired, worn to the bone and all the celebrations were driving him insane. He didn't feel jolly, or happy, just numb and there was nothing he could do about it. He'd been disgusted by the thought of his usual escapes, drink and whoring. They'd just leave him more empty and he knew it, besides with the snow so deep he'd have to walk out and back. Frostbite is a bitch to heal and if he didn't need to expose himself to it he wouldn't.
She just lifted her gaze from her mug and bored her pretty brown eyes into his own. Her lips quirking into a soft smile as she answered him, her voice as loud as a hurricane in the small womb like space they occupied.
"What do Ah want Logan?" She laughed lightly and she sound reminded him of sleighbells, light and etherial, "Nothin' sugar, nothin. All Ah want is ya to be happy, peaceful, content. An if that means eatin dinner with ya out here in the cold then Ah'll do it."
Something occured to him as she was putting her mug down and making herself ready to leave, he grabbed her arm and she stopped dead. Throwing back her hood to look him directly in the face, "What?"
He didn't know how to ask her tactfully so he just blurted it out, "Won't Bobby miss you at dinner?" The soft look of pain bloomed in her gaze and he saw the pink of her eye bloom red wiht blood. Blinking she looked down and forced herself to calm before looking back at him.
"No he won't Logan, he hasn't missed me since you got back from Alcatraz." With that she opened the door on the cold and left him there, stood at the door to his little haven. Her footsteps soon being filled by the blown snow, as if she'd never been there.
Logan's mind went back to the first time he'd met her, lost and alone in the winter cold. Her body half frozen and suddenly there was a reason to be *here*, watching her as she entered the kitchen. A shape nearly lost to him in the winter cold, but only now was he seeing how much he could've lost if he'd left her by the side of the road.
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Author's Chapter Notes:
This is under the 'Pagan Lovesongs' banner, even though it's not really part of the Oak/Holly storyline. Reason being theres more to their relationship I want to explore.
Hope it's not too confusing for everyone.
Hope it's not too confusing for everyone.