'Sleep perchance to dream,
of a glorious summer,
where death does not wander,
and I can seek my peace.'
**********************************************************
January came and went, the snow piled high and frozen with the winter winds coming from the coast. He could smell salt on really bad days, the spray making it this far inland.
He'd been more social, 'coming out of his shell' Ororo had said with a smile that morning but he'd not answered her comment. He'd looked over at Marie who was trying to hide the pain in her gaze and scent. All over the walls of the dining room were flyers and banners for the next fundraiser. A Valentine's Ball, costumed of course, a wonderful extravaganza, which thankfully he'd been left out of. The rest of the staff had been working through January to get the kids costumes ready, as had Marie. He'd seen her in class, showing them how to sew, how to make a ten dollar dress look like it was worth fifty times more. Yet for all her smiles she threw at the kids around her she wasn't happy and Logan had decided to find out why.
Her mug was gently steaming on the wooden rail, the place she'd caught him the first time. Her body hunched to the cold, her duffle wrapped tight around her frame. The scent of coffee laced with brandy hit his nose in the clean air of late winter.
"Don't let Ro' catch ya drinkin on duty, she only allows me to do it because I'd claw her if I didn't." He rested his arms on the wooden rail, the weight of him sending the small frame forward a little.
"Ah know, it's just that Ah need to be warm out here Logan, not everyone has a thermite bloodstream ya know." Logan quirked an eyebrow at her for the use of her words, he knew what 'thermite' was but Marie sure shouldn't.
Her gaze caught his and he saw the dark circles under her eyes, the stiffness in her body and he reached out to her form. She flinched ever so slightly away from him before he brought himself to her side, feeling her muscles shuddering. Concerned Logan let his hand touch her gloved ones that were currently wrapped around the steaming mug. It didn't take long for her to break the silence between them.
"Ah'm not sleepin' well." Her voice was cracked, aged almost and it disturbed him to hear her voice so low.
"Is it who your sharing with?"
He knew she shared a room with another teacher, she did the botany classes as he remembered it, a blonde woman if he remembered correctly.
Marie just shook her head, taking a swallow of the heated concoction in her grip, answering his question more fully.
"Nah Logan, it's all me. Mah 'residents' are restless an now there ain't anyone to help me keep em under control anymore..." She sighed out into the snow covered landscape, her tears running freely as her words reached him.
It made sense, she'd always had sessions with either Jean or Charles when the voices in her head began to vie for supremacy. It happened naturally, as her own internal cycles went round so did the power struggle. Just that she'd been defending on her own and it wasn't enough anymore, not when she was doing everything else as well.
Hugging her to him Logan spoke to the cooling world around them as the sun began to fade out. He didn't know how to help her, he wasn't a telepath an giving her another dose of him sure wouldn't solve the problem. She needed a little peice of peace, the same she'd given him, a place she could retreat 'to'. Holding her tight to him as she drank what was left of the coffee in her mug he felt her sink into his warmth. She'd been going on for long, doing so much she was in danger of losing herself. Tightening his grip on her he pulled her to the small path that led to his haven, a new lock was on the re-enforced door and the roof had been patched recently. It was more like a small cabin now than a shed, he'd moved out a lot of the supplies into different sheds.
Opening the door with his keys, he guided her to an old overstuffed seat, letting herself drop into the comforting scents of habitation inside here. The scent of leather, of cigars, of boot polish that made her smile secretly for who knew that Logan had a 'thing' for clean boots. It was 'him', every little piece of furniture he'd found, stolen or just moved into here was a statement of his mind. She may have found the space but he'd colonised it, put his stamp on the place and now it was 'him'. Shutting the door Logan moved to a small cabinet on the wall, pulling out a small black bottle he poured two measures out. One in her mug and one in a cracked mug for himself.
"Drink, it'll knock you out if nothing else."
Marie sniffed the dark amber liquid, it wasn't whiskey, neither was it bourbon, taking a risk she sipped the amber liquid and felt the heat of it run through her mouth and set fire to her bones. A memory that wasn't hers bubbled up to provide the answer to what she was drinking, mead brandy. Spluttering a little she looked at Logan who seated himself across from her, his eyes locked onto her own. Reading for herself the questions that he wanted answers to, his gaze never leaving her own for a second as she struggled to find the words to fill the silence between them.
"Ah'm tired Logan, there's so much ta do, there's the Ball comin' up, finals to work on. Plus the kitchens need a refit with all the new students that are comin' in. Ro's tryin to get more help but we never seem to get the things we need, it was so much easier when we had someone who could nudge people the right way if ya get what Ah mean." She took another taste of the sweetness that set fire to her body, letting it ease all the tension in her as it passed through. Knowing she was already a little over the limit but this was going straight for the throat and everything she'd been bottling up came pouring out.
"Ah want some 'peace', somewhere 'AH' can go without bein called after, Jesus! Even Jubes has her headphones she can just go into, me Ah got nothin." Marie took another sip and Logan watched her defences crumble away, the mask she'd been wearing since mid-January finally dropped. Her scent telling him of her pain and he wished he could've stopped it but there was nothing he could've done.
"Ah thought it wouldn't hurt anymore Logan, seein' em together, knowin' that they were happy should've been enough. Shit after everythin' everyone's been through ya think Ah could've been a little more generous but no. Ah had to see it for mahself," she pulled on her mug and emptied it in one, her face wincing as she did it. The strong liquor running through her small frame flicking the switches in her mind giving her some peace from the voices inside it.
"Went to the library, had a paper to research an Ah walked in on em. It was dark, Ah didn't hear em because Ah was concentratin' on what Ah needed ta find." She threw her head back against the overstuffed backrest, her body already fading into sleep as her mouth spilled the rest of the story.
"Kitty on her knees....goddamn Ah never knew that girl was such a slut. But seein her like that all the residents in mah head suddenly saw her differently, even when Ah flicked the light on they didn't stop." She chuckled a little as she slurred her final words, "Ya were pissed at mah for not stayin Logan, ya said ya didn't get to see action like that everyday in a *school*."
The mug dangled from her relaxed fingers, she was out. Her breath even and her heartbeat steady, plucking it from her grip he put it on the small table. Sipping the rest of his own measure Logan just looked at her, trying to make sense of what she'd told him. Why she'd kept all of this to herself, then it hit him. The Ball.
A Valentines Ball.
The cruelty of the thing hit home, she'd been one of the main organisers with Ro', making plans, doing what was right for the staff and kids. Getting the money people here, to show them the work that was going on here, that they were human too. A normal thing, a Ball where everyone dressed up as their favourite character from history. Romance would be the key and yet Marie wouldn't even be there. How could she? Her mutation kept her apart, kept her at a distance and with her own sheilds dropping and her control over her mind slipping she'd never risk it. Draining his mug Logan left her in the chair, wrapping her up in his old travelling blanket, the design one from a Navaho reservation he'd stayed at years ago. He had something to organise and he doubted Ro' would refuse him.
When she came to the world was dark, the warm fug she had wrapped around her was comforting but her head felt like it was splitting. Not from a hangover but from the voices who were trying to get her attention. Putting her gloved hands together she concentrated, her lips speaking the mantra that she'd used with Jean. Concentrating on the words until they were the only thing in her head, using them to hold the voices back. Feeling her strength returning a little as she did it, the sleep giving her enough strength to fight them back.
About to get up when the door to the shed opened and Logan stepped through carrying dinner, pizza and beer by the looks of it. He took one look at her and pointed to the chair she was in, understanding that he wanted her to stay put. Marie watched as he flipped the pizza box open and pulled off a slice, the cheese stringing in the cold air. "Here eat it while it's still hot," his voice telling her that it *would* happen and it wasn't an option here.
Taking the still hot food Marie crammed the cheese laden dough into her mouth, a sigh coming from her as Logan tore into his own piece. When she opened her eyes and looked up at him, he was already into his second piece. "Hey don't ya eat mah half!" Logan's eyebrow shot up and his mouth still full answered her.
"*YOUR* half? Who do ya think *paid* for this? Just think ya self lucky I let ya have that bit!"
The play banter between them broke the heavy silence as she reached for a second slice, this time she made sure to snag a piece with meat on it. Pulling it toward her mouth she watched Logan relax again, popping a beer and draining it in one. As she finished that piece and her hand went toward a third he stopped her gloved fingers dead. A serious look entered his eyes as he knelt in front of her, the air thickened in the small space and Marie tried to swallow the food in her throat.
"Why didn't you tell me Marie?"
She could see his face, the worry lines deepening as he waited for her answer, the way he was stroking her covered hands. What could she say? That she didn't want to hurt him, didn't want to burden him further, that she should be old enough to handle her own mistakes? The silence that met his ears made him want to fill it, but she had to speak, had to give him the reasons why she was in so much pain. Yet when it came to it, it seemed so selfish and little.
"Marie? Please....let me in."
That did it, her face broke into pieces as the hurt flooded through her, all the comments she heard the kids make, all the careful handling she'd done of everyone just to make sure *they* felt safe around *her*.
The Ball and it's theme of love and lovers, Bobby and Kitty lost in sexual abandon so much so they never even noticed she was there. Ororo's pride in her as she'd grown up and taken on more responsibility while others had to be asked. And Logan, when she'd seen him withdrawing from life she'd known she was the one who could still reach him. She had the link to him, to a moment where he'd been the saviour of the world, one without hurt or pain. That he'd sacrificed so much so she could just take another breath.
An so she'd gone to Ororo, given him the key to a small shed, made him realise that she *cared*, that she *loved* him in her own way. An now he was wanting to show her the same but she couldn't accept it, couldn't admit she needed it too.
Laughing at her own mistake she let Logan hold her close, that all the while she'd been saving him she'd been losing herself. She was human too and it was his turn to help her, they were both stubborn fighters, enraged and snarling at the world. He used his fists while she used her words, yet they both needed the others way once in a while. And as she let herself crumble into his embrace, she felt his rumbling purr fill her skin. Each tear falling into his skin as he rocked her back and forth on his lap. Holding her to him as if she were the most fragile thing in the world, which at the moment she was. His whisper filling her clear mind and making her hope that tomorrow would be better.
"Ah got ya kid, Ah got ya."
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Author's Chapter Notes:
I want to take this series a little further but adding to 'Talking Sense' didn't feel 'right'. So here we are in another year at the mansion and all that it entails for the both of them.