~~You were standing at my front door
When I came home tonight
And I could tell by the look you gave me
You were needin' my advice~~
I walked up the stairs with what felt like a dozen or so books tucked under my arm. I was in college and studying to become a scientist. Almost like Jean. I admired her greatly. Though Logan chose to chase after the red head, I knew it was just to piss Scott off. And I really couldn't help but be amused by it. In my eyes Scott was too uptight. I still love Logan, that much was sure. How could I not? He saved my life twice. Who wouldn't fall for their hero after that? As I neared my room I saw the beautiful blonde pacing in front of my door. I couldn't help but sigh at the look on her face. Her eyes were filled with pain and almost a hint of anger.
"Hi Sherri." I said in almost a monotone. I really didn't feel up to talking to her; I had a test to study for or should I say some more. Plus I needed to sleep for my morning class. People around the school said I was working too hard. That I needed a break, but I didn't think so. The people namely being the Professor, Ororo, and Jean. Logan didn't even know I existed. Not anymore. Not since her. Don't get me wrong, I'm happy for him. For them. But sometimes I just wish. What exactly I'm not sure. For him to notice me again? Whether it just be in a friendly way or more. At least he wouldn't be ignoring me.
"Rogue. I need to talk to you." Sherri said as she followed me into my room. I threw my books on my bed and sat down next to them as I watched her pace back and forth in front of me. I rolled my eyes at her actions, but she didn't notice.
"What is it this time?" I asked with a sigh. My attempt at showing how uninterested I was in her love life.
"I don't think I can do this anymore. When I first met him he was exciting. Different. A rebel. But now, he seems to have slowed down. I don't understand. It happened ever since..."
My eyes scanned down to her hands. The fingers on her right hand were fiddling with the golden band that was wrapped around her ring finger. My heart broke that day. I didn't show up. I couldn't. For two reasons. One, being the main reason, he was marrying someone not me and two, he didn't invite me. It was Sherri who gave me the white card with their names in it. I cried all night when I found out, but again he didn't notice.
"Since you got married." I said softly.
"Yeah. I just... I don't know what to do." She whispered as she dropped her hands to her sides while the tears rolled down her face.
~You say you want more out of life
Then he can give you
As a tear rolls down your face~
Sherri sat down next to me and just as a friendly gesture I put my arm around her shoulder to comfort her. A part of me was telling me to encourage her to leave him, maybe then he'd notice me, but the other part of me said to shove her out the door and force her to go and talk to him. I chose the latter, but in a more polite way.
"Look, Sherri, I know you like excitement and all, but don't leave him because of that. He loves you. I see it in his eyes everyday. You are his world. When he sees you, everything around you disappears and all he sees is you. Don't throw all that away just because you want adventure and excitement. You will get plenty of that just staying here at the mansion." I spoke the last words with a slight laugh and got one in return from her; followed by a sniffle.
"I guess you're right." She said quietly.
"I envy you, Sherri. I would give anything to be in your shoes." I said.
"Everyone says that about any couple."
"Yeah, but for me it's true. You have no idea how much I wanted to be with him before he met you. But I was too scared to find out how he felt that I lost my chance. Don't do the same."
~But girl I've seen the way
He looks at you
And I know someone
Who'd gladly take your place~
Sherri looked at me with a surprised look on her face. I had never told anyone that before and never knew I'd tell it to his wife of all people, but we had grown fairly close since Logan introduced us. Sure I felt a hint of jealousy, but it quickly faded when I spent a day shopping with her and getting to know her.
"Why didn't you tell me before?" Sherri asked me as she shifted her body to face me.
I lowered my eyes to the matress and started picking at the strings on my comforter before answering her, "You were so happy with him. I didn't want to ruin things with the two of you."
"Oh, Rogue, no. If I had known..."
"Go to him. Tell him you love him. Don't let him go. You've got someone who will be there for you no matter what. To... to comfort you when you're frightened. Who loves all your flawes. He's a one in a million." I interrupted her, knowing what she was going to say. I couldn't hear it. I don't think I couldn've handled it; knowing I screwed up on my chance once again. Tears started to fall from my eyes and I angerily wiped them away. I didn't want her to see me like this. I was always acting strong around her. Everybody. I even did it around Logan even though he didn't seem to realize I was in the same room as him. Yeah, it was depressing, but I learned to live with it. I didn't really have choice once I found out he was getting married.
I stared back into her blue eyes with my brown ones and saw sadness there. I wasn't sure if she was sad for me or if she still pitied herself. I quickly looked away and stood up. I started pacing in the same manner she had just previously done.
~If I were you
I'd run back home tonight
Tell him everything's alright
Yeah, I'd know what I'd do
If I were you
I'd never let him go
I'd have someone to hold
My whole life through
If I were you~
With a deep sigh I stopped and looked her in the eyes, "look, you might think I have a great life. The single life. But it really isn't all that great. I have looked and looked but I can't seem to find that someone for me. Not someone who wants something more than sex. Logan is a great guy. He didn't used to be like he is now. He was a loner. He didn't need anybody. But now. Now he needs you. He couldn't live without you."
"Rogue..." Sherri started but I put up a hand to silence her.
"So, go back to your room and tell him how much he means to you. Because the life you are living isn't something to take for granted. You've got it easy. You've found that one for you. And that's a rare thing. So if you're looking for sympathy, I'm not the one to be talking to."
"Rogue, please, I..."
"No. I don't want to hear how hard you have it. Because that's bullshit. What I wouldn't give to live the life you're leading. To be with that man! The man I have loved from the moment I saw him. But I can't. And because of my fear of being rejected by him I no longer have the chance to be with him or even tell him how I feel. I'm not blaming you. Don't think I am. I'm just telling you how stupid you are for thinking you have a rough life just because you know longer have the excitement in your life that you used to. But let me tell you, it's still there. Being with him. Him being yours is excitement in itself." I exclaimed as my voice rose with each word that passed my lips. If I had known who was standing just outside my door, I probably wouldn't have said them.
~You shouldn't think you're missin'
Out on something
Because you wear a wedding band
Cause I can't seem to find somebody
Who wants more than just a one night stand
You know this single life I'm livin'
Ain't all it's cracked up to be
So you've come to the wrong place
If what you want is sympathy~
Logan stood outside Rogue's door with a his mouth open slightly. He couldn't believe what he was hearing. He knew Rogue had feelings for him, but he just assumed it to be a crush. But after what he heard he knew it was more than that. She loved him. He couldn't seem to get his mind around it. He had come here looking for Sherri, knowing how close the girls were and he was about to knock on the door when he heard Rogue's voice speaking. So Sherri was having doubts about being married to him. And Rogue was angry about it? She never ceased to amaze him.
Any other woman would take this oppurtunity to steal him away from her, but not Rogue. She was always different from everyone else. Not because of her mutation, but because she seemed wiser beyond her years. Logan could hear crying from the other side of the oak door; he wasn't sure if it was Rogue or Sherri.
He quickly turned and ran down the hall and around the corner when he heard footsteps near the door. He stood with his back pressed tightly against the wall as he heard the door open.
"Rogue, I..."
"No. Sherri. Go. Tell him how you feel. Okay." Rogue sobbed, "he needs you. You're the only one for him, don't take that for granted."
"Thank you, Rogue." Sherri whispered before walking in the opposite direction of which Logan stood.
Logan heard the door lightly close and waited til he could no longer hear the sounds of Sherri's footsteps before walking up to Rogue's door.
~If I were you
I'd run back home tonight
Tell him everything's alright
Yeah, I know what I'd do
If I were you
I'd never let him go
I'd have someone to hold
My whole life through~
I had just sat down at my desk when I heard a light tap on my door. With a heavy sigh I quickly stood and stormed to the door. That girl was really grating on my nerves.
"Sherri, I told you..." I stopped mid-sentence when I noticed it wasn't Sherri standing in front of me, but Logan instead.
"Logan. I..."
"Can I come in?" He asked softly and I didn't hesitate to move out of his way so he could enter.
"What's up?" I asked as I watched him sit on my bed. I heard him sigh as I closed the door.
"I overheard your talk with Sherri." He said quietly.
"You did? How much?" I asked, getting worried that he heard me spill my feelings for him to his wife.
"So you love me, huh?" He said quickly and I thought I heard what sounded a little like pride in his voice. My mouth hung a gap at what he said and I instantly felt like a fish out of water.
"Logan, I... I don't..." I stammered, not really sure what I should say.
"Why didn't you tell me?" He asked; ignoring my incoherent stammer.
"I couldn't. I wasn't sure I could live if... if you didn't feel the same." I whispered as I sat down next to him.
"I wish you had. I felt the same about you." He then said, shocking me even more.
"Felt. As in past tense, huh?" I asked once the words he spoke registered in my mind.
"Truthfully. I don't know. I wish I knew. Sometimes I think I'm using Sherri. As someone to hide behind. Marie, I fought my feelings for you. And then I met her and thought maybe she was my way out." Logan said.
"So you didn't want to have feelings for me." I said it more than asked.
"No, Marie. That's not it. I was scared. You made me feel like I had never felt before, and I was getting confused."
"Why ignore me?" I asked, wanting to know, needing to know.
"I couldn't look at you without my feelings coming to the surface."
I quickly shook my head and stood up, facing him as I spoke, "do you have any idea how much you hurt me by doing that? Do you? I got a hold of my emotions about you getting married, but when you started to act like I didn't exist, I wasn't sure I could handle it. But I don't have a choice. So, the only thing I have left is my school work. That is now my life, because you chose to make me disappear. I couldn't handle it so that's what I hid behind. People were saying I'm working too hard, and maybe they're right, but it's what keeps my mind off of you. Off of losing you. Completely." I cried, not noticing the tears that were falling from my eyes or the fact that Logan was now standing in front of me.
"Marie, believe me, I didn't mean too." He whispered as he pulled me into his embrace, it was nice feeling his arms around me and also not having to worry about my deadly skin since I had gotten it under control. I was determined to find the switch before going to college. I didn't want to risk harming anyone, and there were incidents where I accidentally touched a peer of mine while working on projects.
"Logan. God, I miss you." I barely whispered and before I knew it, he cupped my chin in his hand and raised my head to look at him.
"Marie. I miss you, too, kid." He whispered also and bent his head closer to mine to where our lips were just inches apart.
~If I were you
I'd run back home tonight
Tell him everything's alright
Yeah, I know what I'd do
If I were you
I'd never let him go
I'd have someone to hold
My whole through
If I were you~
"Logan, no." I said softly as I placed a hand on his chest and slowly pushed him away.
"Marie..." Logan started, but I put a hand up to silence him.
"We can't do this, Logan. It's not fair to us and it definitely isn't fair to Sherri. I'm sorry, Logan. But I refuse to be your mistress."
Logan scanned the carpeted floor before looking back up at me. I could see sadness in those hazel eyes and it tore through my heart.
"I guess we really screwed up, huh?" He asked with a slight smile and it shocked me when I saw a single tear fall from his eye, under his chin and fall to the floor at his feet.
"Yeah, I guess we did." I said slowly before turning towards the door. I slowly opened it for him and stared at the floor, I wasn't sure I could bare to see him leave. I slowly looked up when I noticed him hovering beside me.
"I love you, Marie." He said quietly as he cupped my face in his hand.
"I love you." I responded and I had to choke back the tears that screamed to fall when his hand left my face.
"Goodbye, Marie."
I smiled sadly at him and watched him turn out of sight to his room, to his wife, to his life. And I released the tears as I closed the door. I leaned against the hard wood and slid to the floor.
"Goodbye, Logan."
~If I were you~
The Wolverine & Rogue Fanfiction Archive
Barely Legal Since 2000
Author's Chapter Notes:
If I Were You is sung by Terri Clark