More than Myself By Anne Sexton
Not that it was beautiful,
but that, in the end, there was
a certain sense of order there,
something worth learning
in that narrow diary of my mind,
in the common places of the asylum
where the cracked mirror
or my own selfish death
out stared me...
I tapped my own head;
it was glass, an inverted bowl.
It’s small thing
to rage inside your own bowl.
At first it was private.
Then it was more than myself.
************************
The ingredients were ready. Neatly lined up in a row and just wanting for their service. Mayonnaise, mustard, pickles, ham, turkey, olives, peppers: the perfect midnight snack just needing to be put together.
Even with it being just him in the room it was still a tight squeeze to get around the kitchen. And, of course, there wasn’t any bread in the bread box. It was amazing how there never was. It was a concept the school couldn’t quite get a grasp on. After some riffling through cabinets he finally found three loaves stuffed none too neatly in the oven. He grabbed one. Two or three sandwiches should hold him over til breakfast.
The assembly was moving along nicely when he got the tickling sensation in the back of his head that always was a precursor to telepathy.
~”Colossus, we have a visitor.”~
With a loud sigh he dropped the knife back into the mustard jar. He hurried down the center corridor that lead towards the large oak entry doors of the mansion. Suddenly it occurred to him that the Professor called him Colossus instead of Peter. That meant that something had made Xavier nervous.
To be safe he pushed the steel plating over his body as he reached for the doorknob. When the door opened his jaw dropped nearly about the same time as his hand curled into a white knuckled fist. If his face hadn’t been covered in iron-grey metal it would have surely been beat red with anger.
Standing under the front porch was a slender, young girl, dwarfed under his towering height. She looked completely harmless and innocent drowned in a large green cloak swallowing her entire body. Evidently she hadn’t expected him to be there because her deep, emerald green eyes went wide under the hood. She began to panic and the long length of her cloak got caught under her feet as she tried to stumble quickly back, away from him.
“Please! Please don’t hit me!” She begged him, raising her gloved hands in peace. “Ah...ah need Xavier’s help.”
“You--” he sneered.
“Please. If ya’ll don’t help me ah’m as good as dead.”
****************
The girl at the door was now sitting in the corner, still shrouded in her green cloak. She was surrounded by people, all a good four feet minimum away from her. And all glaring at her with sharp, hard eyes.
Kitty was the last into the large, comfortably decorated living room. “Rogue,” she hissed at the girl then took a seat by the Professor. “She’s Brotherhood. What’s she doing here?”
“It’s probably a trick,” Nightcrawler chimed in from his standing place by the fireplace. “She’s just suppose to keep us distract while they attack.”
“No,” Charles declared. “I’ve scanned the entire estate. She’s alone.”
He moved his wheel chair slowly closer to her, narrowing his eyes. “What is it you want?”
The girl in front of him was shaking so bad the tea they provided her was spilling all over the side of her cup, soaking into her gloves. But even though she was apparently a jumble of nerves she still lifted her head, letting the hood covering her face fall back enough that she could meet his eyes. “Ya tha telepath. You tell me, Xavier.”
“Professor Xavier,” he corrected her cooly, leaning forward in his chair. “And I’m sure you know full well that I can not read your mind. You have too many dramatically different thought patterns, they’re creating a wall I can not penetrate.”
“Yeah,” she snorted, pulling her hood completely down to reveal a piling mass of auburn hair streak with a bold white stripe. “Try livin’ in here.”
Finally annoyed by the wet mess all over her hands she abandoned her tea on a near by side table before going on. “But Danver’s tha only one givin’ me hell. Ah neva intended tha transfer ta be permanent. She’s drivin’ me crazy. Ya haveta help me, Xavier.”
“You have a lot of nerve,” Kitty suddenly yells. “Coming here asking for our help after all you’ve done.”
“Shush,” Xavier gently scolds her before turning back to Rogue. “Continue.”
At the younger girl’s outburst she seemed to sink back into her chair, but continued talking to Xavier just the same. “Mah powers are outta control. Both mine and hers.”
She tried to still the shaking in her voice and swiped away the beading sweat on her brow. “Tha slightest touch triggers tha transfers now. Sometimes mah flyin’ cuts out mid air---” She swallowed, pushing a white stripe behind her ear. “It’s gettin’ so that ah don’t even know which thoughts an’ memories are mine and which are hers.”
“An apt punishment for your crimes,” Nightcrawler interjected.
That was all it took for the shaking girl in front of them to completely break down. Her large sobs seemed to rock her body in between her constant tremors, making her twitch chaotically in her chair. “Ah tried to make Mystique understand, that–that somethin’ wasn’t right. Ah knew it when ah touched her. But she wouldn’t listen. She said we could work it out, we could handle it. And...and ah love her like a mother, but ah knew she was wrong. Please, Xavier. Ya mah last hope.”
Kitty huffed, crossing her arms over her chest and mumbled an, “oh, please.”
Xavier opened his mouth to reprimand her again but Rogue beat him to it. “Listen. Ah’m not askin’ for ya sympathy. Ah ain’t sayin’ that ah ain’t done wrong. Ah ain’t even sayin’ that ah don’t deserve this. But ah’m askin’ for ya help anyways.”
The professor watched the girl as she tried to settle back down again. Evidently the flare in anger had caused some sort of sharp pain in her head because she had screwed her eyes shut.
“Are we being fair to Rogue here?” he asked, wheeling his chair around to face his students.
“Is there any reason we should be?” Countered Kurt, moving to Kitty’s side.
The elder man nodded. He could easily read the anger, the fear, and all the negative emotions pouring off everyone in the room towards the girl in the corner. “I understand and accept all of yours’ dislike of Rogue. But I would like to examine her in private, if you please.”
They all stood up, not willing to disobey the professor and began leaving the room. Not without shooting warning glances at Rogue, however, before they left.
Scott waited until the rest were out before going up to his mentor. His jaw was clenched tightly shut and his hands were shoved deep into his pockets. “I’m not comfortable leaving you alone with her, Professor. I don’t think it’s very wise.”
He was extremely proud of Scott. The amount of vibes of hatred for the girl came off him much stronger than the anxiety of the younger members of the team. Yet he remained silent and patient during in the meeting, always the model of a true leader.
But then he turned his sight to the cringing girl, hidden under think layers and replied to him, “I doubt we have anything to fear from her.”
************************
The racing wind bit and stung into his face as he tore down the road. It’d been three weeks since he fled Xavier’s in a frantic need to get out. Get out of the civilized confines and back to his self.
He was pretty fucking disappointed that his ‘self’ seemed to always be a shit hole bar, any fight he could get into, and as much whiskey as he could scare out of dumb ass bar keeps.
But the more time he spent at the mansion, the more he stayed for longer stretches, and the more ‘anti-social’ he was becoming. His nerves were down to about ten minutes of standing somebody else before he snapped. The only exception being if he was beating the shit out of them. Even then, it was usually only twenty before he just wanted them dead so he could be alone again. He wasn’t even fucking people anymore. Getting off wasn’t worth having to put up with whatever chick was clinging to him.
He didn’t even know why he was going back. If he was a better man he might admit that he preferred spending time with the geeks then his usual crowd. Or lack there of. But he wasn’t a better man. He was no where damn close to being a better man. He was barely a man at all.
That was the thing about being at Xavier’s. It constantly reminded him of that. Xavier was a man. Summers was a man. Next to them he was a beast, an animal— a monster. A caged animal they managed to wrestle a monkey suit on and call good enough. Told him who he could and couldn’t fight. Who he could and couldn’t kill, because he was too much of an animal to be both judge and executioner. They knew what was justice and what was right; all he knew was how to kill.
******************************************
It was now well into the morning, 1:15 to be exact when Xavier came out of the living room into the hallway to find his team waiting anxiously for him.
He cleared his throat before declaring, “I have question Rogue in great detail.” He paused, giving them all a warning eye before going on. “And I am convinced of both her need and her sincerity. Therefore, I have decided to admit her both in the school and the X-Men, as a probationary member.”
A vast amount of groans and angery ‘what’s shot up from the crowd at his announcement. Scott, unable to hold his tongue anymore, stepped forward on behalf of his teams. “As leader of the team, Professor, I think I’m entitled to have some say in who is on it and who isn’t. How the hell are we suppose to fight beside someone it’s not safe to trust?”
“Scott, I think-----”
Xavier was stopped by a loud crash of glass shattering from the living. Scott ran past him to look in only to catch white boots flying out the broken window.
“Everyone outside!” He yelled, leading the way to the front lawn. What they found was a fuming Rogue, now no longer in her green cloak but clad in a black body stocking, facing off with an equally rancorous Storm.
“Come on, honey. Ya think ya such tough shit? Go ahead, punch me again!” Rogue egged the goddess on.
“You little bitch,” Storm sneered and soon the air pressure around them began to drop dramatically. The white haired beauty’s eyes glazed over with a pristine white fog and the electricity in the air began to tingling.
Colossus quickly ran forward and grabbed Storm’s arm. “Please stop, Storm.”
“What?!” She rounded on him. “After she broke into our home? She could have killed the Professor!”
“She didn’t break in,” Colossus solemnly answered.
Xavier rolled up behind him, Scott and the other members not too far behind. “She is my guest, Storm. And as long as she is under *my* roof, she has my protection.”
Storm stared dumbfounded at him. Then she looked back to Rogue who was now standing back, with her arms to her side. She huffed, still is completely shock as she turned back to Xavier. “Are you kidding?! How can you say that, after all she’s done! Who she is!”
“You didn’t hear. Rogue’s repented and has been forgiven,” Kitty sarcastically stated, rolling her eyes. “Behold. The newest member of the X-Men.”
“How could you?! Is this true?” She demanded angrily, not to Xavier, but to Scott.
Before Scott could reply, Rogue’s curt southern voice floated through the distance. “Ah don’t know what ya problem is, whitey. I ain’t eva done anythin’ to you!”
Storm’s head wiped around and she glared long and hard at the girl. Rogue didn’t back down, although she kept a good distance away from her and the mansion.
“Professor, if she stays then I go,” Storm announced to him, still staring at Rogue.
“We’ll *all* go,” Nightcrawler seconded.
Xavier moved his chair forward, shaking his head, so that he was between Storm and Rogue. “Oh, so now we pick and choose who we help, do we? Some are worthy and others not?” Xavier started, eyeing his students. “Wasn’t it you Ororo who told me once that Wolverine wasn’t an X-Man because of his ‘sterling’ character, but instead his potential for good? And that, to deny him– as much as we abhor his violent nature— would thereby deny the X-Men’s reason for being, which is to help him achieve his potential?”
“But Logan is---” Storm started, but Xavier interrupted her.
“The same argument holds true for Rogue, does it not? With us, she has a chance at a better life. If we are to deny her then she is condemned from the start and that I will never do to any mutant.”
The X-Men starred down at the ground, fully chastised by their mentor, although some not really ashamed. Colossus stepped forward first. He nodded to Xavier. “I trust you, Professor. If you think its safe to let her in, then I’ll consent. Come on guys,” he addressed the others, “We’ve all done some pretty bad things to get by, haven’t we? If the Professor says she’s okay, then we should all give her a chance.”
“Fine,” Kitty snorted from beside him. “She can come in. But I will *never* like her. Ever.”
“Ja,” Kurt nodded, turning back towards the mansion. “You win, Professor.”
They all head inside, leaving Xavier, Scott, and Rogue in an awkward triangle outside. Xavier waited, purely to judge Scott’s intent since he was apparently not going to go in. The emotions inside him were sharp and angry, but Charles decided he could trust him. So he turned to head back inside himself, leaving the two former enemies alone.
Rogue watched Xavier leave, her anxiety quickly building the farther he got. When he was gone, she looked to Scott, prepping for whatever he was planning to throw at her. But he remained silent. A silent and immobile statue whose eyes were fixed to her every twitch and fidget.
It didn’t take long before she could no longer stand his glare. She could feel the judgement coming through the red visor and boring into her. Just to give her something to do she set about looking for her coat, which she was sure was somewhere in these bushes were she landed. It took her a minute or two to find it and when she turned around he was still there. Not moving at all.
“What?” She finally asked, breathless from her throat suddenly constricting on her.
He stepped forward and she stepped back. They continued that dance until she could no longer back up since her back was firmly up against one of the trees.
He finally stopped as she held the bundle of her cloak in front of her, adding something between them. “If this is a set up----” he started.
“It’s not---”
“If this is a set up,” he interrupted her, more sternly, the muscle in his jaw jumping again. “If you hurt one single hair on one single head in this entire school, I swear to God I will blast a hole so big in you Mystique will be able to use you as a holla-hoop. Do you understand me?”
She nodded once, her fingers digging into the fabric of her coat to steady her hands.
“Make sure you do.” He added then finally turned around, going back into the mansion, leaving her out in the lawn on her own.
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Author's Chapter Notes:
I'd have added this sooner but 'Take the Lead' came on. Then my washing machine flooded. -.-' I don't know, maybe its a warning from the gods but I'm posting it anyways. I'm putting the poem first, since its a chapter story. Excuse all errors, my blant use of Marvel's characters, etc. Enjoy :)