Step into the shadows
SacredMacha
notmysight at aol.com
R- just for language, sorry!
Summary : Sometimes understanding is a gift.
Category : Post X-3/AU
Genre : Hmm Angst, I think.
Archive : Surebedoobe.
Disclaimer : I own nothing but my own warped mind. Some inspiration from various songs and sources meant with due respect, not as a ripoff.
It's so hard sometimes. It's hard, knowing the powers I have inside me. Knowing how I could manipulate them so easily to get what I want. Even Jean, who smirks with some sort of sick, arrogant self satisfaction when we get into talks of potential and the responsibility to use it well in class, isn't safe. She thinks I don't know how she sneers behind my back. She thinks I have never overheard her talking to Scott or Ororo, with that thick, false tone of compassion all but drowning her words in insincerity. About how sad it is I carry a torch for the man most likely to never understand or ever want a girl like me, a girl he can't touch, a girl so innocent compared to him. Like I don't have a boatload of memories in my head aging me past my years.
Just goes to show how much of an idiot she is, boosting herself with her inflated sense of self worth. Stupid bitch can't even see two feet in front of her face. In defense of Scott and Miss Ororo, niether of them give her statements about how Logan could never want me and how pathetic I am to cling to him, any sort of attention. Scott just sighs and tells her it's not her business what I do or who I love. He's even used that lecturing tone I've heard him give the kids, which just makes me grin myself, a hint of wickedness in it. Miss Ororo says there is nothing mortals can do, to understand the change in the winds or the force of the tides. Which sounds pretty abstract, but she *is* the resident weather witch. It's nice knowing that, in her own way, she sees nothing wrong with Logan and I having the unusual sort of bond we do. She understands some things just *are*, no matter what logic you apply.Now I see why so many people like Miss Ororo, even though she seems aloof. She's a lot smarter than the red headed egotist, who thinks just because she died and came back, she's got some greater cosmic understanding of the world and all of us in it.
Get down of the cross, we need that space to nail up the next fool martyr.
I've died, more than once. I've come back only by the grace of a god that took the hand of Logan. Don't see me putting on airs or acting like I know more than everyone else. Yeah, and still she pretends he doesn't care anything about me...that way. I've got him in my head, and he doesn't mind me knowing him inside out, like he resents her snooping. Which is half his problem recovering his memories, ya ask me. He's locked down so hard to keep her out, that even Chuck can't pry open the doors in his head. It makes me almost wish that I dared. But as brave, as strong as everyone, including Logan, likes to think and pretend I am, I'm completely just not up for more nightmares and psyche scarring, thanks. It's hard enough just keeping the others locked away, their mentalities behind a screen until I need them.
There are days when it's harder than other, and it always seems to be the days I just want to be me, Marie. Not the shadow of Rogue, just the girl I was before all of this, the girl who looked forward to a nice simple life. High school, college, a job as a art teacher, maybe a family of my own. Now miss " I'm the Phoenix so just worship me" is trying to imply I can't ever have children, because they'd never survive birth even if I did manage to get pregnant somehow. Normally, I'd listen to a doctor. If Hank had said so, I'd be more inclined to believe it. But it's not like they did any tests, and Hank disagrees. He thinks the kid would have some sort of protection from getting half of my genes. Good old optomistic Hank. Hard not to love a guy who looks like a teddy bear but has the brain power to pretty much take over the world. Nice guy, the Beast. He never makes my skin itch, or pokes more than once with a needle, like Jean does. You'd think that a doctor would be better at it, but she just lkes to make me wince, then give me a look while she tells me it doesn't hurt that bad, I'm just being a baby. I should be grateful anyone comes near me and I get to feel anything at all, even pain.
It's times like that, I just want to lash out, take my bare arm and shove it against her face. Bust her nose, split her lip. Make her feel fear, once and for all. I don't care who she is, she isn't god. It might do her and her alter ego both some good to realize the woman she keeps calling a girl, keeps underestimating, can take her down a peg. I could kill her, even, though with my luck the Phoenix force would just drag her carcass back.
If it was just Jean making me strain to keep from lashing out, I might be okay. Magneto left me with a healthy taste for revenge and kicking the asses of those who've hurt me and mine, and the Logan in my head isn't much better in that department. But it's not just Jean, there's others that keep me feeling like I'm the freak show in the home of freaks.
Like Kitty. She was my friend, once. I remember the first day I was here, waiting in miss Ororo's class for Logan to wake up, she leaned over to whisper to me. Asking me about Logan, her eyes wide, sweet, and curious. I believed her when she told me that my skin was no big deal, offered to let me be her roomate, so I didn't get stuck with someone else. Thanked her a dozen times for her help with chemistry and teaching me to use a computer almost as well as she does. I didn't know at the time, that Kitty wasn't just a cute nickname for Katherine.
She looks all sweet, small, innocent, like she just wants to be everyone's friend. But the Shadowcat is a predator. She doesn't hunt in the same sense of Logan, no not at all. She likes to lay her trap, lure you into a sense of stability, and then steal from you what it is she wants. Clothes, boys, secrets, money... it doesn't matter if she has any use for them or not. She just wants to know she *can*. No wonder she's such a favorite of Jean's. Two peas in a pod, both wanting everything because they think they deserve it.
At first, Kitty tried at first to distract Logan from me, waiting for me to leave his side to sit on the couch, wearing little baby doll pajamas, pigtails, and skimpy shorts that would have been more fit for an audition to play Nabokov's Lolita. Happily, he would just look at her, then would go back to his cigar. Letting me return before he'd growl. " Get up, brat, Rogue was sittin' here by me." Gotta love a man who sees right through such a ploy.
Bobby, unfortunately, wasn't so smart. The predator tried a different tact with him. Luring him about with moping, sobbing about homesickness, how she was lonely, and how he had me... rubbing it in, that while he did, in fact, have me for leaning on, he couldn't touch me. She did her best to be seen as the fragile girl trying to be a brave woman. He fell for it, hook, line, and sinker.
Sucker.
I saw it coming, knew that between his hormones, and her wiles, that he'd choke when challenged. I was right. He did, and Logan was with me when I stumbled upon it. Whether you're expecting the blow or not, it still hurts when you get hit in the gut.Logan took me out on the bike, and proceeded to get me drunk, legal age or not. But I'm not sure he knows what he said in our alcoholic haze, or that I remember him looking at me dead on, and telling me I'd be all right, I didn't really love Bobby, that Bobby wasn't the one for me.
He deliberately said nothing bad about Bobby. Didn't do much more than glare and flash his claws at him, no matter how much he may have wanted to do more. I know he did, I felt the way he'd tense when he could sense him, or the way he looked at me when he knew we were going to run smack into the pair of them. Usually trying to choke each other with their tongues it looked like, but..hey. Once I was over it, I was over it. Let her have him, chew him up and spit him out like I know she will. I've already seen her making eyes at Piotr and St. John. Must be the Iceman is hung like a melting icicle. Logan choked on his beer when I thought that out loud. Whoops.
So once Bobby and I were splitsville, Jean kept upping her attitude towards me. Sighing about how this or that scarf looked lovely on me, but did it have enough substance to keep other people protected? Oh, well my oh my, shouldn't I keep my gloves on even when we sat down to eat? Or put on the big yellow rubber gloves to do dishes in, even if it was one of the rare times I got left alone and I got to feel free of all my own trappings? I'll never forget when I sat down to dinner one night, with a new silk shirt I'd bought with Logan. Dark green silk, but the sleeves were a sheer sort of whispery material. I had loved it, and Logan had insisted on me getting it. Then Jean had to open her big fat trap.
" It's a lovely shirt, Rogue, but don't you feel a it's a bit too risky to be revealing that much of your skin in that sheer material?"
Logan had even gone so far as to get me a pair of wrist length suede gloves in a dark green to match the shirt, so that I wouldn't fret or feel the need to cover up. I had felt pretty for the first time in weeks, then Jean had to go piss on my parade.
The only thing that probably kept me in my seat, besides my pride, was the fact that while I flushed in anger and hurt, she was receiving glares. Not just from Logan, though I heard a quiet growl rumbling in his throat from where he sat next to me, but Ororo, Hank, and even Scott . You'd think someone that was supposed to be a phenomenal telepath and empath would have felt those glares, but she just kept blindly on.
" I would hate to see there be an accident because you were overlooking safety to try and be alluring. " Stupid bitch. At that point, Logan got up and dragged me out of there by the arm, to take me out to a diner to eat instead. Hey, at least the shirt wasn't a total loss.
But it just kept coming, more snide remarks, from her, from Kitty. I would see Jean try to sidle up to Logan, flirting and flashing him a glimpse of her legs from under skirts that kept getting shorter by the day. Now, I don't own him, I don't claim him, and I love him, as imperfect as he is. But I have to say, watching him look at those legs, knowing he'd been restraining himself from going out so much for the past weeks because he felt the tension in me, not having his release... and hearing him tell Jean. " Sorry Jeannie, not in the mood. Why don't you go hunt up Scott to go play?" I got the biggest jolt from that, pride and relief and even a tiny hint of victory. She and Kitty could try, all their dirty tricks, and Logan kept proving them wrong. He never made a play for me, even when I could see in his eyes he thinks I'm beautiful. But knowing he thinks that about me, and keeps turning them down.. well it does give a girl hope.
Eventually, though, summer came. With it, came the shorts, the sleeveless tops. Everyone around me showing more and more skin, there were waterfights, swimming contests, and, of course, my exclusion from the fun and games. Jean's comments only had gotten cattier as Logan had taken to hanging out with me more, wearing jeans and a white wife beater, even though I knew he was roasting. Just to sit with me, or take me for ice cream. Giving out a vibe that was almost daring someone to stare at me too long in my long, loose skirts and gloves, when we were out. Taking me out to the movies every day, so we could be in air conditioning and not roasting, when the air unit broke at Xaviers.There were long rides on the bike, hours letting me drag him to the mall for more air conditioned moments away from scrutiny. Of course, watching women drool over Logan in his t-shirts and tank tops only made me smile even more, when he paid them no mind at all to stick by me.
But god how I wanted to cry, when he forced me to pick out a bathing suit. One I would never wear, I protested to him, trying my hardest not to cry and make a scene. Which only got me a lifted brow, and a finger pointed to the dressing room. " Pick one out, or I'll pick for you. Period, kid. And no granny suits,either. " Which, at least, made me smile.
I found a black bikini, modest enough, but it made me sigh. I'm not overly vain, I mean how can I be when I have to cover up everything most of the time? I've got a pretty enough face, and that famed southern magolia skin. Working out with Logan keeps me in shape, so by a cruel twist of fate, I can wear a bikini well, which only piled on more Irony. So what do I do? I must be a masochist or something , because I tried it on, and then, in a rush of that oncoming depression, whisked open the door. Let him just see what he was putting me through.
Somehow I never saw it coming. The way his eyes widened, the tiny drop in his jaw, the pupils dilating. Then he reasserted his control, and I couldn't do anything but bite back my smile. " Like this one then, sugar?"
He cleared his throat, a roll of shoulders. " You can get that one, yeah. Get changed and hand it over, will ya?" I started to protest again, why spend money on something I'd never wear? But I got that look, one he'd developed just for me, I swear. The look I call the 'shut up Marie, I'm having my way' look.So why when I shut the door to change back, did getting that look give me a secret little thrill deep inside my stomach? I handed the hanger with the suit over the door, only to feel Logan take it out of my hand. Smiling, I slid into my sandals, pulling on that long sundress and the crocheted little sweater that I wore to cover my arms. Logan had already refused to let me wear my gloves when it was just us. While it still made me nervous, at least it was a window of normalcy.
But that all came to an end when we returned to the mansion. Jean and Kitty both were there, waiting and watching, when I thanked Logan for the bathing suit, taking the bag.
There was Jean's sigh, making my temper flare " Oh Logan, why do you insist on purchasing her things that are inappropriate and she can't possibly wear, with the others around?"
" Oh Rogue, why do you do this to yourself?" Came out of Kitty, that sickly sweet, false sense of sympathy just making me give a snarl worthy of Logan. I'd just... I'd had it. They'd spat so much venom at me in sugary sweet tones of compassion and condensation, tried to take my best friend away from me, stolen my boyfriend..My temper had been simmering a long time now, and it just boiled over in a rush.
I still didn't have my gloves on and I wasn't even aware I'd lunged at both of them, screaming, until I felt Logan's hands like metal bands around my upper arms, holding me back. Knowing the sweater still had gaps in it and he could touch me, I backed up, looking up at him. He was giving Jean and Kitty a look that should have left them six feet under and rotting.
" This is why." he growled. "Maybe once in a while you should all keep yourself covered up and give her a little space. " Before he picked up that fallen shopping bag, and steering me right into Chuck's office. Relating the incident without any foreword, pacing and growling. " This crap keeps up, Chuck, and I'll help Rogue kick the shit out of whoever does it to her. "
The Professor frowned, looking from Logan to me, eyes resting on my flushed face.He got that blank look that sort of creeps me out. " Rogue, would you mind going up to Ororo's quarters for a bit? I think she would like to speak to you. " At Logan's growl, those blue eyes shifted to the Wolverine. " As for you, Logan, I have a discussion to have with you too, please. " I smiled at Logan, before I got up.
" See ya at dinner, Logan." He just did his best to smile, watching me leave. I could hear as I headed up the stairs...
" I mean it, Chuck..." Making me smirk to myself as I went all the way up to the attic quarters of Ororo, knocking politely.
The door opened, the weather goddess smiling at me. " Come on in, Rogue. I was having some iced tea on the balcony. Would you care for some?" I shut the door behind me, nodding. Taking it in, only then realizing how expansive Ororo's quarters were. Her bed tucked in the corner, some african art and masks dominating one wall, another wall that was glass,letting the sunlight stream in,she had her own bathroom, her own little kitchenette area, near the doors to the balcony. Soft classical music was playing from hidden speakers, plants in every corner.. appropriate for the weather witch, I supposed, the scent of earth mixing with Ororo's own scent, something like a light musky perfume. Even when I had her for classes when I was still considered in high school, it had never occurred to me to take note of how little I saw of her other than that, how much she withdrew from everyone.
I followed her out onto the balcony, taking a seat in one of the chairs she had out there, overlooking most of the grounds and the trees beyond the yard. She poured me a glass, ice clinking in the pitcher, as she slid her gaze my way. " Oh do take off that sweater, Rogue, you'll be roasting in no time, and I would hate to hide the sun, my roses love it so. It's just you and I, nothng to worry about. " Soft Kenyan accent to her words, making me feel at ease, even as I fully bared my arms to my shoulders, bare hand wrapping around a glass. " Now, as you can like as not tell, I too, hide myself in privacy as much as possible. Because while you can not allow yourself to be touched on the outside, I dare not allow it inside myself. My mutation reacts rather forcefully with my moods, Rogue. I too, know what it is to be thought untouchable. " a faint smile then, as she sipped at her tea. " What I am doing is offering you another haven. You can come up here, sit on my balcony, and such, and not worry about showing skin. No one is allowed up without an invitation, you will be quite safe. "
Those eyes watched me, patience, wisdom, beauty.. everything Jean thought she embodied, all in front of me here, in the quiet, soft skinned woman in front of me.
" Logan can come as well, should you wish his company, but only if you do not violate my rules. No gloves. Ever. " One finger lifted. " Two, he must only smoke those cigars he loves out here, not inside my rooms. " Second finger extended. " Third, I ask only that you leave my place in the approximate way you found it." She finished her tea, leaving me feeling dazed. " I will be away alot for the next few months, so I wanted to make sure you were aware you had my permission to be here. I would also like to ask you to see to my plants. " That smile slid along her features again, putting me in awe. " I know you have not been having an easy time of it, as of late. But my quarters are off limits even to Jean, so you may use that to your advantage. " refilling her glass, eyes looking out over some of the younger kids playing soccer. " I know it is a rough road to walk, Rogue. But I also know, as some refuse to acknowledge, you have Logan for a travelling partner, and you are blessed in that, no matter his faults. " Hands folded around her glass. "So, questions?"
I know I sputtered at first, staring at her. " Ya mean Ah can come up here and use your rooms up here and stuff, while you're gone, so Ah can stay away from people buggin' me? Just for waterin' your plants and pickin' up after mahself?" Those eyes of hers warmed, and she smiled again.
" Yes. While we are vastly different in our powers and personas, Rogue, we are, in a way, sisters under the skin. "
And then she did something I couldn't fathom. She touched me, on purpose. Her hand laid over mine, making my breath fall short as my power sucked hers in. There was nothing but that calm look from her eyes, even as I suddenly knew that her codename wasn't just appropriate for her control over the weather. While that calm was present, even as I took my hand from under hers, I knew it was hard won. Her emotions were a wild clash she kept in a cage, the only person I'd touched besides Logan to have such a passionate nature, and she kept it hidden, for fear of what it would do.
I could feel my eyes turning white, my skin breaking out in goosebumps as clouds suddenly loomed in the sky. Her hand lifted. " No, Rogue.I know you can control it. Do so now, and bring the sun back to bear. " It took a moment, wrestling with the new power while the old additions clamored in my head to be let out to play. But I felt it then, her ability to feel the weather patterns, the currents... and I pushed the clouds aside. Feeling faintly breathless, even as I watched her take a sip of her tea, as if nothing unusual had taken place. So much power, so much passion.. and yet there she was, an island of isolation in herself. Calm, cool, collected.. untouchable.
It was then I understood. She had power, she could all but end the world with her powers. She wanted to lash out, scream at the restrictions placed on her by morals, responsibility. She understood me, unlocked that one part of me that let me be Marie again. I was the better person for not sucking Jean's life from her body, for not using my powers to make Kitty a tangible, dead being. While it wasn't always as gratifying as grinding someone to bits under your heel, it would make me stronger, smarter.. I would be better, and they would someday learn of their flaws. I could control my emotions, my mind... all of it.
She rose, picking up her pitcher and her glass. " Now I do believe Logan is waiting for you, rather impatiently. Remember what I told you about his cigars. " Before she was walking back inside, away from me.
I gulped down the last of that iced tea, leaving the glass on the table, barely remembering to grab my discarded sweater. I still felt like the hairs on the back of my neck were standing straight up, racing to Logan's room. He glanced at me, keys for the jeep in his hand.
"C'mon kid, I got some lunch packed, we're blowin' this place for a while. "
So I followed him, waiting until we were in the jeep to tell him about what had happened up in Ororo's attic roost. He slanted me a look, pulling off road onto some dirt track.
" Yeah? Always did like 'Ro. Seems she's got her head on straight. Be good for you, Marie. To just be able to relax, wear shorts and be away from everyone a while. "
It was then I told him her rules, making him give a bark of laughter.
" Ya want me up there, kid, to hang out, I'll forget the cigars.. " Then a quick look at me. " She didn't forbid my beer, did she?" Which made me laugh, shaking my head. Then I fell quiet, as the dirt track got a bit rockier, the light dimming as we were in the thick of a cluster of trees. Besides, I was thinking.. about how Ororo's simple command had put me in total control of the taste of her gift she had given me. Her complete faith in me, trust, to touch me, to let me feel inside her head. She didn't even allow Jean, once her best friend, that sort of priviledge. So why me?
I was so caught up in my thoughts, I missed the fact Logan had parked the Jeep, right in front of a clearing in the copse of trees that had surrounded us. A small, pristine looking lake shimmered there in the sunlight. I caught my breath, it was such a pretty scene, fit for a postcard. Looking at Logan as he killed the engine and opened his door. " Chuck thought ya might like ta just be relaxed a while. Nobody but him, Ororo, you an' me know about it. So I can bring ya out here anytime ya wanna go swimmin' or just wanna shed some of those layers you're hidin' under. Get you away from too much crap back at the house. I could have hugged him, but mindful of bare arms, I leaned over and barely kissed his cheek instead. "
You're sweet, Logan. This is great, just.. perfect. " Hopping out of the Jeep, kicking out of my sandals to feel the grass.
" You got stuff in the back, too, kid. I brought your new.. um, suit. Your sketchbook, too." Who said the man wasn't as thoughtful and sweet as sensitive Scott was? I pulled that bag out of the backseat, unable to supress a grin as wide as the Mississippi as I ran for some bushes. I heard him pulling a cooler out of the back, and the distinctive sound of him opening a beer. Tugging that black suit into place, twisting mahogany and white locks up in a careless knot before I bounded for the water. I could hear him chuckling as I splashed right in, squealing at the cold. He just spread out a blanket and a couple of towels, watching me with a smile while he sipped his beer. I felt a surge of that affection I had always had for him, before that breeze that slapped against my skin reminded me I had to be careful a few hours yet. Wouldn't do to abuse the knowledge Storm had given me. Which only made me stop still, my face tilted towards the sky. Storm hadn't just wanted to show me she trusted me, or let me know she understood. I thought back to that lifted finger, and quiet voice. Telling me I could control it, with no room in that voice left for doubt.
I knew she was right, knew it down in my gut. Turning my head to watch Logan for a moment, feeling my heart leap into my throat. A cloud had crept over the sun, shadowing me while I walked out of the water towards a lazily, lounging Logan. My travelling partner, Storm had called him, showing that understanding. I glanced up at the sky, and that cloud was whisked away out of sight. It was time for Marie, not Rogue, to step out of the shadows, and into the light.
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Author's Chapter Notes:
thought it was on the new archive. So I decided to make it so!