How would you know, that I love you so?
I don't say too much.
Why are you blue whenever I'm in town?
I guess life was fine till I came 'round.
"I Love You" by the Barenaked Ladies
She hates my guts. I guess I didn't expect that, didn't expect that she'd be all grown up and strong. She doesn't need my protection, and she doesn't want my friendship. I fucked her over, and she's not about to let me forget it. And she's not a kid. I'm not sure why I said that when I saw her. Nobody could look at a woman like her and think she's a kid.
I don't just mean that because she's got a killer body, either. She does have that too; curves models would kill for. Her eyes are old, though. My fault, at least in part. I doubt she's even sure what's hers and what's ours now. She's older than those twenty-two years she's got.
I asked Jean what I should do to make things right. Silly thing to do, I guess. I felt like some stupid teenager asking his parents how to ask some pretty girl out. But Jean's far from my mom--not that I remember the real thing--and Rogue isn't just "some pretty girl." So maybe it's nothing like that. She told me I couldn't do anything but wait. Rogue needs time to get over the shock, she told me.
Me being me, I got angry at her and stormed off. I managed a half-hearted apology later, but she knew as well as I did that I didn't really mean it. I want a quick fix, an easy way to recapture that trust she used to have in me. But I want to deserve it this time. I want to see her eyes glowing and have her throw me one of those shy little smiles and know it's okay to just enjoy it because I'm not going to hurt her again.
Now my presence is hurting her. She doesn't want me here. I can't leave her again, though. I don't know if it would hurt her or help her, but I think it might kill me. I watch her constantly when she doesn't think I am, and I just can't help but notice that the more I'm around her, the more I care about her. It hurts too, caring. I'm not good at shit like that. I'm not good at worrying about how the stuff I'm doing is going to affect other people, but I worry about hurting Rogue again.
I worry because I'm falling in love with her. I love a woman who won't even speak to me, and it's driving me crazy. I don't know how to make things better. I don't know a miracle cure for us. Or for her. We're both going to have to wing it. I just know I can't not try.
I care too damn much to give up again.
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