She struggled within her own mind as her memories finally returned in full force, crashing through her head so powerfully that they blurred by, intensifying the emotion of them. She remembered.
She was a teenager preparing for her life as a young adult in the world, outlining her hopes to travel the world, a map of her destinations covering her wall. David, the boy she had a crush on, who had been frequently coming over, lay on her bed gazing at her in light humour. It had all been so innocent. The silence that took them when their gazes connected. The slight awkwardness that hung in the air but then disappeared with the sweet anticipation. Leaning in, closer and closer. Her first kiss. And then the horror started. The screaming. The shock. The realization; she was a mutant. The abandonment. The loss of hope. Running, running away as far as she could. Forever alone.
Then meeting Logan. The X-Men. Magneto. Her death. Her rebirth. The years after that at Xavier’s school. Logan coming back. Stryker. Jean’s supposed death. Her sinister return as the Phoenix. The Cure. Scott’s death. The Professor’s death. Feeling alone. Her decision. Logan and the X-Men returning from the final battle.
She felt the grip of her memories lessen for a moment, she felt herself faintly coming back to reality. She was lying on something soft and she could hear worried voices around her. Then quickly the pain started again.
“Quick, hold her down, she’ll hurt herself!” she heard Scott’s voice vaguely before she was dragged back down.
She remembered. She remembered the sense of betrayal, the pain and hurt as she was left alone once again. She was a traitor for taking the cure, for not being at the final battle. Bobby dumped her and slowly she found herself pulling away, not sure who to trust, not sure of the ground she stood on. Logan was nowhere to be seen, he was still at the school but they never spoke, they never saw each other, wrapped up in his own grief over destroying the Phoenix, Jean. His promise to her forgotten.
So she had left, already forgotten. She was human, prepared for a new life in the world. For four months she had lived as a human, peacefully but perhaps not happily until her reality had come crashing back down. The cure wasn’t permanent. The transformation back had been painful and slow, her powers becoming sporadic. She was forced to see a doctor and like a fool she had fallen for the supposed help. The health center was a front for a government unit interested in capturing several of the mutants who had taken the cure. They were to be subjects to be taken into custody, to be experimented on, to be used. They were the forgotten; the ones who had no one else to turn to but the set up of the government, no one would miss them.
Images flashed through her mind harshly, as though her brain dared not to focus too closely on the horror of her time spent in the lab. She was being groomed to be the next Weapon X; the perfect weapon, the perfect resource of power. They had been waiting for her. Was it a year or more she had spent in the lab, she wasn’t sure, the only thing her memory chose to focus on was her escape. Logan had come for her, not the X-Men, just Logan. He had appeared out of nowhere.
She had been strapped to the table, her head tied down so all she could see was the white of the ceiling, but she could hear him, hear his rage, his anguish and pain, the howl of an animal as he attacked and destroyed every last bit of the facility. She hadn’t understood it at the time, why he was so upset, she wasn’t Jean, she was no one anymore, and he had forgotten her.
She remembered the intensity of his gaze even as he was covered in blood as he un-strapped her from the table, the sorrow and grief in his eyes as he picked her broken body up and cradled her against him. It wasn’t until they were outside and he had taken her away until she could no longer see the flames that consumed the building, did he stop. He fell to his knees and leaned her against a tree and suddenly he buried his head against her stomach and his tears soaked through her shirt, he was crying.
“I’m so sorry, so sorry,” he murmured against her covered skin, the sobs becoming violent as they racked his body. “I looked for you. I looked for you. I looked for you,” he mumbled. “Forgive me.”
She remembered when he had calmed down and leaned back to look at her and she recalled the slight terror that had passed over his eyes when he realized she wasn’t responding to him. The sky was a glorious colour of light blue above her and she remembered her sudden relief at the change of colour, no more white ceilings and walls and cell bars.
“Marie,” he had whispered desperately, his hands cradling her face. She gave a small smile as she stared up at the sky. She wasn’t forgotten.
She remembered going back to the institute with Logan; she hadn’t had much choice in the matter. She didn’t talk much and Logan wanted Hank to look her over, she consented simply because of the state he was in, he had lost weight with worry and guilt. Briefly, images of returning to the mansion sunk in. The apologies of her friends and the lack of response on her part. Hank and Logan’s constant worry about what she had been through. The nightmares. The way Logan had clung to her. And most importantly the return of Scott and Jean, they hadn’t been truly dead after all and the Phoenix was gone.
At some point Logan had started to sleep in her bed every night, he said it was to help her through the nightmares, somehow she didn’t think she was the only one who needed help. Eventually, she couldn’t recall the exact point, but she had started to become responsive again to the world around her, Hank was immensely proud of her rehabilitation. Through the cure and the experiments she was forced to go under she had learned to control her mutation. She remembered everyone’s happiness for her and practically the small bit of sadness that Logan seemed to of been holding when he had congratulated her; he no longer slept in her bed.
Time passed, but she remembered the moment, the moment her and Logan’s relationship changed. The realization of why he no longer slept in her room, that he thought she no longer needed him, wanted him and she realized how deeply his feelings had developed. Images of them arguing and talking blurred by until eventually the images of them in bed together, naked and touching began to build. They became the new couple to talk about even as Scott and Jean got married.
She felt her mind twisting in as a more prominent memory burst free.
She had been walking through the gardens heading towards the garage where she knew Logan was working when raised voices reached her ears. Scott and Logan were arguing.
“You don’t deserve her,” Scott spoke scathingly.
“Mind your own business, One eye,” Logan shot back.
“It is my business,” Scott retorted. “I give a damn what happens to her.”
“What are you saying that I don’t?” Logan spoke with a sudden edge.
Scott snorted. “Maybe if I hadn’t of been absence during the battle, the cure, maybe there still would have been one person here who cared for her and didn’t turn her away simply because she made a personal choice, a choice she had the right too.”
“You better watch what you say,” Logan warned a growl escaping him.
She peered over the bush, gazing at the two men who were too preoccupied to notice anything else.
“What right did you have to judge her?” Scott spit back.
“Fuck you, you wouldn’t understand.”
“Like I said she doesn’t deserve you, you’re just going to disappoint her, hurt her and abandon her again, it’s what you do best.”
Logan took a step closer, his fists clenching. “You want to know why!” Logan yelled. “Tell me how you would feel after having to run your claws through one of your friends in order to save the fucking world. I had to kill your fucking wife and you think just because I’m an animal that, that means nothing to me. I had to go save everybody else’s’ world instead of looking after my own, instead of taking more time with her. So yah, when I got back I was fucked up and I still knew that she needed me, but I couldn’t, I couldn’t do it. I blocked myself off from the one person I cared about the most, simply because I was afraid, afraid of getting close, of loving someone so deeply and then losing that person. So I was a coward is that what you want to hear!? Me, the Wolverine afraid of a girl.”
Scott didn’t back up as Logan edge closer. “I fucked up in the worse way I ever could I know that, don’t you think I know that. It eats at me every day, every hour that I’m awake and even when I dream it’s of her being in that fucking lab; of how close I came to losing her.”
Scott’s face was grim. “She’s only with you now because she sees that you need her, how is that fair to demand that of her when you ignored her feelings all those years before, after what she’s been through. Have you even asked her if she wants to be here after she was rejected?” he spoke quietly.
“How dare you,” Logan snarled as he grabbed Scott by the front of his shirt. “What is this about, do you want to fuck her too Scooter?”
“She’s already been fucked over in more ways then one too many times by you,” Scott hissed back.
Logan suddenly rammed Scott up against the wall and banged his head against the brick.
“Besides,” Scott added. “Unlike you I have morals about getting into other people’s lover’s pants.”
Logan yelled and punched Scott across the face. He punched him again until Scott slipped towards the ground.
“Fuck you Summers, you have no idea what our relationship is about, what it means. You aren’t like us, you can’t understand. I’m not perfect but I would give everything for her, everything to protect her, she’s mine.”
Scott coughed as he rose to his feet. “How very cave man of you, trying to control her.”
Logan gave a bitter laugh. “I know you wear glasses but for fuck sakes open your eyes, nobody makes Rogue do anything, not even me. Besides if anything she controls me and I’m fine with that, so back the fuck off.”
Logan dropped Scott and turned around, his eyes going wide as he spotted her standing by the bushes.
“Marie,” he whispered, but it was too late, she’d distracted him. Scott was on his feet, his hand raised to his glasses and a burst of red light shot into Logan blinding her and she screamed.
She shifted out of her memories abruptly finding herself arching up off of a bed as she screamed over and over. She was back in the present as an older Scott leaned over her in concern, he was speaking to her but she couldn’t make out the words. She fell back against the bed and her world went dark again before blurring to life with a million colours as she moved forward through her memory.
This time around her memories came much harsher and faster. They appeared like a film strip speeding by on an out of control reel only choosing to give her rare glimpses of her further memories.
Her relationship with Logan growing and both of them opening up to each other, forgiving each other. A flash of them getting married happily. Images of them living in a house in the wilderness. Returning to the mansion. The beginning of the war. Going into hiding with Scott and Jean. Living in fear.
The reel jerked forward and she found herself once again strapped to a table with masked doctors moving around her, but this time it was different, Logan was strapped beside her. They had been captured. Project Weapon X was back on track. She remembered sensing the doctor’s excitement at recapturing the original Weapon X, Logan. He struggled beside her as they forced their hands to touch and nothing happened. The doctors screamed at her to turn her skin on but she disobeyed. They shocked her and turned various machines on that were hooked up beside her and eventually her skin burst to life and she could feel Logan flowing inside of her indefinitely and she couldn’t stop it. She’d gained his healing and senses permanently. She thought he was dead. Her grief filled her up until there was room for nothing else and eventually it all spilled over until there was nothing inside of her.
Abruptly, the reel stopped and she gasped as she finally found herself returning back to the present. A sinking feeling filled her as she realized that couldn’t possibly be the end of it all. It was too much. She fell back asleep briefly realizing a strong, warm hand was gripping hers on the bed, Logan and he was alive.