Following the scent of the cigar she found Logan sitting in the dark on the back porch, a large whiskey bottle in sight on the table. Slowly, she glided into the darkness towards the chair on the other side of the table and slid into it. Once in the chair she drew her knees up so they rested against the arm of it.
She could only see the outline of Logan’s face in the darkness, the smoke that curled around him giving off an ominous feel, but she wasn’t afraid, oddly she found herself feeling relaxed. He made no movement to acknowledge her but he hadn’t told her to leave either.
The whiskey sat in the middle of the table and it was already more then half way done. A lone shot glass sat discarded beside it and she figured it was only sitting there for pretence, Logan long ago forgoing it and preferring to drink straight from the bottle.
She wanted to reach out and touch him, run her fingers through his hair, settle her lips against his. Rest her forehead against his strong chest as she listened to his heart beat, but she didn’t make the first move and somehow she knew that’s what he was waiting for. He was tense as though waiting for her final judgment. He wanted to know where they stood and she hated to leave him in the dark, literally, suffering but she still had questions and she knew she needed the answers before she decided on where they were going. She knew with out a doubt that she wanted to be with him, wanted to take him to her bed but by some means she knew he wanted more then that, he didn’t want a one night stand, he didn’t want it if later on it would mean nothing more and she needed to figure out what that something more was that he so desperately wanted.
Her memories had jarred her back to the life of the living but she still felt put off, it was a lot to take in, in a short period of time. From what she remembered her relationship with Logan hadn’t been perfect, but that wasn’t what had her hesitating, it was the fact that the last clear memory she had was of Logan dieing at her hand. She shivered in the warm night at the thought. She knew the rest of her memories were sitting at the edge of her mind, but something was holding them back and she had a feeling she was subconsciously protecting herself.
She reached for the whiskey bottle and poured herself a shot in the clean glass. Lifting it towards her lips she inhaled the scent and downed it in one quick movement. She realized she had missed the taste. Licking her lips as she placed the shot glass back down on to the table, she could taste Logan and realized he had used the shot glass.
Her next reaction was to pour another shot but as much as she found the craving suddenly resurfacing, noticing her body seemed to have missed the taste and sensation; she knew getting drunk was not going to help her deal with everything more easily.
Logan turned and glanced at her in the darkness. She could barely make out his features but she could tell he was possibly frowning or she realized humorously that it was most likely his usual brooding face.
“I always was the reason for your hard drinking,” he spoke low in the dark, his voice gravely with emotion. “I suppose that wouldn’t change now.”
She pushed the shot glass away from her as she concentrated on him. “That’s mighty egotistical of you.”
His chair creaked as he turned to face her better.
“Maybe you did push me into craving it because of the you in my head when you saved my life when I was younger but I know you don’t mean just that, you mean you physically and all the problems we’ve ever had together.” She boldly reached for the bottle again and poured another shot. “Frankly, I think you’re taking more credit then is due.” She downed the shot and wiped her lips coyly.
He snorted. “I haven’t seen you touch a drink the whole time you’ve been here and now the one time when you do it’s with me and you’ve just gotten your memories back.” His hand reached out and snatched the bottle back as he took a generous gulp. “Truthfully, I don’t blame you.”
Her chair grated as she moved to get up and walked by him. His hand snatched out and grabbed her wrist.
“Where are you going?” he asked his voice rough.
“Sorry, but I didn’t R.S.V.P. to this little pity party of one,” she snapped. His hand tightened on her wrist for a moment and then he let her go. She sighed and continued on until his voice just barley above a whisper stopped her.
“You’ve never voluntarily walked away from me before,” he whispered, his voice lost and broken. “Don’t Go.”
She could hear the begging in his voice, the please that was hushed by his lips, the questions that he didn’t ask hiding within the spaces between the words he had spoken. His voice asking her if she was still the same woman he loved, still the same person he had lived a life with, had all of this really changed her?
She found her eyes moisten threateningly at his tone, at the truth he spoke, she hoped she wasn’t so different, simply because she wanted her life with him back. Quietly, she turned back around and sat on the railing centimetres away from him. From her new position she could make out half of his face in the moonlight. His gaze never seemed to focus on her. He felt ashamed and she wondered why.
“Logan,” she spoke softly catching his attention. “Isn’t this what you wanted, for me to get my memories back, to remember you? Why is this suddenly so hard for you?” she added letting her frustration leak through.
She sighed as she ran her hand through her hair. “There’s no reason to blame yourself for how they returned, you didn’t harm me.”
He looked up at her sharply, his eyes flashing to life but his lips remained closed.
“What do you want, Logan?”
He slowly put his cigar out.
“Why am I having to be the one right now to make sure you’re okay, suddenly having to badger you for answers, for anything?” she spoke her voice rising as she found her emotions leaking through as they overcame her. “My God, Logan, I just remembered we had a life together, that you’re my husband and instead of doing what I want to be doing, I feel even further away from you then just a couple of days ago.”
He bowed his head for a moment before he finally gave her the attention she wanted, his eyes centering seriously on her, a strong willed clarity seeping into them.
“What do you want to be doing?” he asked huskily. His legs stretched out little by little until his feet were in between hers.
“I just found out that I’ve missed you for over thirty years, that I still love you, because I do you know, is that what you’re worried about? What do you think I want to be doing instead of arguing?” she asked wryly. “I want to touch you, I want you to hold me,” she whispered.
“Good,” he murmured heavily as he quickly yanked her until she fell into his lap. The movement should have been awkward, but it wasn’t, instead, despite his frantic grip she settled in his lap gently with their eyes focused on each other.
He sighed deeply in content as his body suddenly relaxed and his hand already started to rub her back all on it’s own accord, his other holding her thighs against him. She was quiet as he buried his nose in her hair, his breath noticeably drawing in as he took in her scent and his body shuddered under her.
“Oh, baby,” he cracked, his body doubling over her as much as he could as a sob racked him. “I’ve missed you,” he cried. “I never thought I’d see you again, I never…”
“Shh,” she whispered as she rubbed the back of his neck. “I’m here now.”
The grip on her legs became tight as he squeezed. “I’m not going anywhere,” she murmured reassuringly.
“You can’t promise that,” he whispered. “You’ve been snatched from me before. I failed to protect you.”
“Logan, please,” she whispered back as she ran her hands all over his body trying to clam him down. “Don’t let that fear eat away at what we have right now, what we can have.”
He was silent for a moment as he clamed down. “Okay,” he whispered.
He pulled back and she smiled at him. Affectionately, she cradled his head, her fingers trailing along his strong jaw as she took him all in. She needed to capture him in her mind as he was in front of her, needing to chase away the last memory of him that had been fresh in her mind. She frowned at her thought and realized too late Logan had caught it.
“What is it?”
She leaned her head against his shoulder as her fingers trailed down and played with the buttons on his shirt.
“Marie?”
“Logan?”
“Yeah, darlin’.”
She smiled at the term for a moment.
“Were you afraid that once I remembered again that I’d blame you for all the stuff that happened that I’d be mad at you again for what happened after the cure? Did you think whatever ground we had covered in the past would be disturbed again? That I would hate you?”
He was silent again before he spoke, but his body still relaxed underneath her.
“Yes,” he breathed. “I feared it.”
“The Wolverine admits a fear,” she teased lightly.
“I have lots of fears when it comes to you.”
She frowned. “I’m sorry.”
“Don’t be,” he spoke as he cradled her closer. “All my hopes are wrapped up in you to.”
She snuggled against him. “I feel the same way.”
“Yeah?”
“Yeah,” she responded.
She glanced up at the night sky for a moment. “I don’t hate you Logan. With the memories also came the understanding and the memories after our worse times. The good times that far out weighed the bad.”
“Then what’s wrong?” he asked.
“I think I’m hiding from something,” she whispered desperately.
“What?”
“I still can’t remember it all,” she confessed.
She felt him go still.
“The last thing that I clearly remember is draining the life out you as I killed you, but that can’t be possible,” she cried.
He leaned his chin against her head as he continued to rub her back as she got worked up.
“No, darlin’ it isn’t possible,” he whispered into her hair. “Maybe, for the rest of it you need us to go through it together.”
She was quiet as she tried to calm down.
“But you said…”
“I know what I said,” he interrupted. “That you needed to remember on your own, but sometimes we hide things from ourselves and maybe you need help facing the rest and the least I could do is protect you now, not from the truth but help shield you from the pain, help remind you that were together now.”
She nodded wordlessly and found herself clinging to him, realizing he was suddenly the confident one and she was glad.
Logan took a deep breath before he spoke again. "I don't remember much of how we were captured, but it was definitely an ambush, I think we had been somewhere along the border. Jean and Scott had already gotten through and we were supposed to meet them." His fingers started to play with her hair. "When I woke up in the lab I was afraid and angry. I couldn't believe I had been so stupid and I was so afraid that I'd never see you again and then I realized I had cursed you with that very thought. They dragged me into that room and you were just lying there on the metal slat, all drugged up. They forced your mutation to work and oh, baby, I wanted to hurt them all for what they did to you."
"To us," she interjected.
"To us," he whispered before continuing. "I suppose once my powers transferred into you they figured it be easier to deal with just one of us but also I think they truly thought I was dead. I know my heartbeat had stopped. I don't know how much time had passed but I woke up in the morgue, I don't think they were expecting it. I searched for you instead of leaving, I made everyone pay who I came across but it didn't seem to matter. They had already transferred you to some other facility, only a few had remained behind to get rid of any evidence. That was the problem back then; if they wanted to be smart about what they were doing, they'd constantly change labs."
She was quiet as he spoke.
"I spent months trying to track you and they all turned out to be dead ends. I wasn't exactly in the best state of mind either. Jeannie and Scott found me in some dive in Chicago. Jeannie had said she had sensed me and they had been looking for the both of us for some time. Frankly, I told them off for even coming back into the country but they seemed to just blow it off as though I was just crazy, wasn't exactly healthy at the time, but they both knew it was a risk and even if I was fine I would have kicked their asses for being that stupid. I mean that's just when we found out Jeannie was pregnant with Nathan."
She shifted slightly in his lap and his hand quickly smoothed back her hair. "It's alright," he whispered. "Anyways, they took me back to Canada and I had the land here so this was our land of opportunity I suppose. Jeannie tried to sense you but she never could get a good read on you. Eventually, I had to tell her to stop trying because we could tell the strain of her power use was affecting her pregnancy."
She realized that as he spoke about Jean, she hadn't taken the time to mourn her death or wonder what had happened to everyone else. Before when Scott and Nathan had spoke of her, to her Jean had been only a ghost, a name, a woman she had not known and now she realized Jean had died and she had known her, she'd had a life with her as friends, as mentor and student, as team mates. Quietly, she mourned her friend realizing later she'd have to pay her respects. It was too much she supposed to have Jean alive and around as well, it was a miracle in itself that she had found both Logan and Scott again. Logan's smooth voice brought her back to reality.
"The only way I can figure it is that there had been a camera system back at the lab where both you and I had been at and so those bastards had gotten word that I was alive. I was still a loose end." His voice carried off suddenly as he became quiet.
She tilted her head so she could get a better look at him. "Logan, what is it?"
She noticed his hands clenched. "I think there's good reason you can't remember what those bastards did to you the second time round. I hope you never get those memories back. We all knew it had to have been awful when we realized what had to have happened to make you the way you were."
She looked at him in confusion. "So you found me again?"
"No," he answered quietly with his voice strained. "You found us."
"What do you mean?" she asked suddenly as she pulled back so she could look him in the eye.
"Darlin'," he cracked his eyes misty with emotion. "Nobody blames you for the way you were."
"What are you talking about?" she asked fearfully.
"You were so different and we were all blind with happiness that we ignored the signs."
"Just tell me," she spoke desperately with her hands clenched in his shirt.
He reached up and held her hands in his tightly. "You found us a few months later right here on this land. We thought you'd done it on your own and in a way you had. With my senses that were suddenly permanently yours, you were able to track me but you weren't alone in doing it. They'd made you into their next soldier, their Weapon X."
"No," she gasped and tried to pull away from him but he wouldn't let her.
"No, please Marie, it isn't your fault. You had no idea. They'd brainwashed you."
Her mouth gaped in horror at the truth he was telling her.
"They thought they'd done such a good job with you that they trusted you to get rid of us on your own. They didn't want the old Weapon X causing problems and they knew about Jean and how powerful she could be. The people who ran the labs hated mutants and could only stomach using only a handful. You were suppose to keep in contact with your superiors every three days and best I can figure is you found us on a day after you'd already made contact and well by the third day we'd found out what was really going on."
"What did I do?" she whispered in horror.
"Nothing at first, and that was the thing you did nothing, you were for the most part unresponsive but we had just told ourselves it was because of whatever you had gone through and we couldn't have been closer to the truth. I was so happy to have you back, that at first I'd just let all the little things go. The coldness in your eyes, the way you hardly responded to me but then I started to notice the way you'd watch each of us when you figured no one was looking and I recognized the look and I could see what was going on through your mind, because I'd been there."
He sighed as he pulled her closer against his chest despite her protest.
"Up until the third day, for the most part Scott, Jeannie and I were with you for most of the time, except at night when you'd sleep with me but somehow you knew Jeannie was just waiting outside, because as a doctor she was waiting for the signs of the distress we assumed you would eventually go through. You never did though, you never had nightmares, and in fact you slept soundly."
"Didn't we...?"
He smiled at her sadly and shook his head. "No, we may have slept in the same bed but we weren't physically together. I figured you just weren't ready to be touched after being in the labs."
She nodded quietly.
"Jeannie had already had her concerns about you and I suggested we see what would happen if I left you alone with them. I had a feeling you wouldn't take us all on with me around. Also, we were concerned for Jean and the baby, you seemed to of taken an interest in her and we wouldn't dare leave you alone with her without Scott, plus we trusted she could handle you with her powers."
"And then?" she whispered fearfully.
"I didn't go far but I made sure you wouldn't be able to sense me and I knew you'd be smart enough not to try anything even after a half hour, you wanted to ensure that I was really gone. Jean was speaking to me telepathically about what was going on. It wasn't until about after the hour mark did things start to happen. I remember seeing it from Jeannie's eyes as I was linked with her. Scott had gone into the kitchen giving you minutes alone with Jean. I could see you just staring at her and I felt like prey even from a distance. She asked you what was wrong and you stood up, stalked over to her, and asked if you could feel the baby. Jean was nervous but she was hopeful that you taking a vocal interest meant you were doing better."
She curled her head against his neck as she listened, her mouth dry, as she felt sick.
"The only thing that had given you away was this tiny flicker in your eyes just a second before you rested your hand on her stomach and I screamed through the link and Jeannie moved out of the way just a second before you made contact. I remember running as fast as I could back towards the house, still seeing it all through Jean's eyes. She was gripped with fear when she spotted the tips of your bone claws peeking through the very hand you were going to touch her with. She put the chair in between the two of you and called for Scott and you leapt forward in attack but she held you back with her powers and she begged you to stop, to listen to them."
She found herself biting her bottom lip as she wanted to disappear. Logan wrapped his arms around her shaking form and whispered into her ear, "Shh, it wasn't your fault, darlin'. It wasn't you."
He kissed the top of her forehead and she released her lip. "Anyways, Jeannie tried getting into your head but she couldn't so she could only try and talk to you. I remember seeing Scott come back into the room slowly and you didn't like that at all. You hissed and picked up a lamp and chucked it at Jean, which she had to move out of the way from, breaking her concentration. You were free from her power and Scott attacked you trying to take you to the ground but you swiped him with your claws."
"The marks on his neck," she gasped in shame.
"Yes," Logan murmured. "But it wasn't life threatening, in fact most of your movements weren't as fast as you could have been, it was like you were giving them a chance. At that point, I had burst back into the house, I remember you gazing at the blood on your claws, and then looking at both Scott and Jean in confusion and suddenly when you looked back at me it was as if you recognized me as more than just a target. When you realized what you had done you just snapped. You started clawing at yourself and screaming and I had to hold you down. You raged and you raged until you wore yourself out. When you woke up again we had you restrained and you were still wild but you started to have your lucid moments where you started to break free from the hold those son of a bitches had had on you."
She made a small sound as she tried to cope with what he was telling her. "Scott was fine, I was fine and both Jeannie and the baby were doing fine. It seemed that the further time you had away from the lab the more you came back to yourself and we all helped you through it. I won't lie and say it wasn't difficult because it was but I never gave up and neither did you."
He started to rock back in the chair lightly. "We always kept an eye out for any of them trying to find you again, but it seemed where ever you last contacted them was somewhere further away from us. I think," he paused for a moment. "I truly believe that the reason you never contacted them after you found us was because part of you was still in there trying to fight the programming they'd given you."
"That's wishful thinking," she murmured bitterly against his shoulder.
"No, darlin' you know I ain't that type of man. If you hadn't of been fighting it you wouldn't have hesitated so much, you would have taken us all on no matter."
"I'm just glad no one was seriously hurt," she whispered.
"It's okay," he spoke quietly. "You were so strong, baby. You're the strongest person I know."
"So I got better?"
"Yeah, we even all started functioning again like regular people, like a real couple. We started to build Scott and Jean's house."
She realized abruptly that Logan's house, their old house must be somewhere on the lot and not once had she wondered where he'd truly lived.
"Eventually, Jean was ready to have the baby but there appeared to be complications with Nathan, Jean kept saying she thought something was wrong. So we realized we had to go into the main cities to find a doctor who would help mutants. It was dangerous going into the cities because most of the riots occurred there. Mutants would control some cities but the governments policed others, it was a constant war ground. We did find a doctor though, our reputation as the X-Men helpful with the mutant fighters. Jean delivered Nathan with assistance in a small hospital, both mother and son appeared fine. It would be later on that we'd realize the complications with Nathan and the virus and the strain it had on Jean. However, we turned out to be in the wrong place at the wrong time. The government had set off various bombs in the area we were in knowing how it was primarily mutant ground. You and I somehow got separated but you stayed with Jean and the baby. Jean told me you did everything to protect them, took the bullets meant for them, pushed them when Jean was too weak. The bombs caused a fire to spread and you guys ended up being cornered. You found a small emergency shaft elevator that had been damaged but looked like it could hold enough weight for Jean and the baby. Jean argued with you but you pushed her in and made sure they got out. The building blew up seconds before Jean and Nathan had exited and both Scott and I had been on the other side."
He paused as a strangled sigh escaped him, his head suddenly burrowing against hers.
"Jean and the baby needed to be safe so Scott went with them even though Jean still argued. I stayed and I looked for you, I couldn't believe you'd be dead, not after everything we'd been through and survived. But the charge had gone off so close to you and the government forces were already moving in through the carnage. I found so many charred bodies but I couldn't be sure if any of them where yours and then I found it, I found your wedding ring beside a charred body and when I touched the body it turned to ash. I didn't want to believe it. I didn't want to leave you."
They clung to each other in the darkness as they relived the nightmare together.
"Scott came back and pulled me out of it and well the days, months and years after that were pretty much nothing to me, I don't even call it living. You know what happened to Jean and Nathan's life. We can't know for sure what happened to you, but you survived, you could have been picked up by a separate group, at that point there were so many different groups vying for control. From what I've heard now, some of the labs kept some of the mutants they considered to have potential in a sort of locked down stasis, hoping to one day be able to re use them."
"But they never did," she whispered. "They forgot us."
He nodded quietly as he wrapped his arms around her. "I didn't forget you," he whispered.
Slowly, she turned around so she could look at him. "But I forgot you," she murmured in regret.
He smiled at her gently. "No, not really darlin', you found me."
She moved her arms around so she could hug him. "I'm glad," she whispered suddenly feeling exhausted after the emotional rollercoaster they had just gone through.
For a few more moments they sat silently together each grasping what they had now, Logan had her and she had the knowledge of the truth she had forgotten and she had her husband, the man she loved wrapped around her.
"Logan?"
He grunted.
"Come to bed," she spoke as she stood up and held his hand.
His eyes warmed up and he stood with her as he followed her back inside. They took the spare bedroom and settled beside each other under the sheets. For the moment she was content just to feel him beside her, to have his scent surrounding her, more importantly feel his grip holding her, protecting her, and for the first time ever she fell asleep with a small smile on her face.