He does it under name of perfect love;
As who should say, if I should sleep or eat,
‘Twere deadly sickness or else present death.
(Katharina ~ The Taming of the Shrew)
It’s weird, you know. Walking into a room and finding yourself already there.
And, fucking Logan at that. Now that really came as a surprise.
The first thing I notice is how nice Logan’s ass looks. Not that I haven’t noticed before, but seeing him butt-naked, so to speak, that’s a first. I know what you’re thinking, how could she know it was Logan by looking at his ass? Well, that’s not what gave him away, of course. He’s wearing the leather jacket I gave him for Christmas.
The woman he’s, um, with is holding onto the toilet stall with one hand, making it rattle. God, his ears must hurt from that. For a second there I’m confused. Why is she brunette? Wouldn’t he go for someone with red hair?
But then she raises her head and looks at me and my heart skips a beat. The woman is me. She winks at me and twists her gloved fingers into his hair, her white streak falling into her eyes.
I know I should keep the fuck quiet, turn around and leave. But I can’t. This image will remain burned into my brain for the rest of my life, and before I can stop myself, his name tumbles from my lips.
“Logan!”
He darts back so fast he falls flat on his ass, and oh, I should not look there. Eyes averted, check. Not that I don’t know what he looks like down there, but seeing it from inside his head and actually seeing it are two completely different things.
The woman laughs throatily, and I recognise her voice, know who she is before she changes back into Mystique, yellow eyes blazing. “Oh, this is going to be just great!”
I stare at her, buying Logan some time to get dressed. But before I can turn to him, speak to him, he’s swept past me, leaving me and Mystique behind.
She grins, then dons a disappointed face. “I could give you my number. Would you let me know what he tells you?”
I just stare at her for a second more, then follow Logan. He’s gone.
And only when Mystique brushes past me, now wearing someone else’s face, do I realise what just happened.
Logan went to Mystique for sex.
He went to her so he could fuck me.
When I return to the mansion, Scott tells me that Logan locked himself up in the Danger Room without saying a single word to anybody. “Do you know where he was? Did anything happen?” I can almost see his eyes behind the glasses, serious, concerned.
I force a smile on my face. “Nah. I’ll go talk to him.”
My lip is raw where I have been biting it for the last half hour, and when I reach the door to the Danger Room, I can taste the hint of blood. Breathing deeply, I enter his code number, and watch as the doors slide open.
I’m not at all surprised to see he has programmed the Danger Room’s bots to look like Mystique. He acknowledges my presence with a quick glance over his shoulder, then he dives back into the fight, and he doesn’t stop until she’s dead on the ground.
I can’t help but admire him a little as I watch. He stands over her, panting, sweaty, still high-wired. Then, “What’d’you want, kid?”
I hate it when he calls me ‘kid’. I’m 21, I’m not the lanky 16-year-old he picked up in Canada anymore. “Don’t call me that.”
He throws a look over his shoulder, only for a fleeting second, and I can’t place the look in his eyes. “Computer, end program.” Mystique vanishes, and he turns to me. “Why?”
“I’m not a kid anymore, Logan. I haven’t been a kid in a long time.” My voice trembles. “Why won’t you see that?”
Silence as he wipes his face with a towel. Then, “Who are you, then?”
I feel how my face settles into a passive mask at his question, and my voice is stronger than it should be. “Well, if you have to ask – I’m Rogue.”
My heart breaks as I turn to go, but I don’t get far. He’s grabbed my arm and spun me around before I can form a thought, and he holds me by the shoulders, staring at me with an intensity that makes me cringe. “You’re not Rogue. You’re Marie.”
I try wriggling out of his grasp, but to no avail. “For fuck’s sake, Logan! I haven’t been Marie for 5 years!” I look up at him, swallowing around the lump in my throat. “Let me go, you wouldn’t understand anyway.”
“What wouldn’t I understand?”
How can he be so calm? But then I realise that I’m too calm myself. After what I witnessed in that dingy little bar, I should raving, screaming, scratching his eyes out. Crying till I fell asleep. But for some reason, I can’t conjure the energy to do so. I know it would be futile.
My voice is small when I speak. “You left me. You went away, and you left me behind. And when you came back, you only had eyes for her.” And then I notice the wetness on my cheeks, and I can’t remember starting to cry. “You didn’t call me Marie anymore, so I stopped being her.”
He frees my arms, and I stumble back, angrily wiping at my eyes. “I didn’t... I never meant to...”
“No, you didn’t mean to. You never mean to. But you do it, anyway.” I glare at him. “I said you wouldn’t understand. YOU were the only one here who made me Marie. None of the others knew, and when you left, she left with you.” I swallow. “Now I know where you took her.”
The bar. The bathroom. Forbidden touches in backseats or motel rooms, faked memories.
“Why?” The question is barely above a whisper, and Logan turns his face away as though I slapped him.
“I...” He chokes on the words, and moves away from me. “I’d better leave.”
Anger seizes me, and I grab his arm. “You’re not getting out of this! At least tell me – why?” I don’t want to sound so desperate, but if anything, he owes me this.
He looks ready to crawl out of his skin, but he faces me and looks at me. “I... I wanted you. More than I ever wanted Jeannie. More than I remember ever wanting anyone.”
You could knock me over with a feather right now.
“But... You were so young. You are so young.”
“Why Mystique?”
He wipes a hand over his eyes, looking incredibly tired. “When we were at Alkali Lake... She came into my tent, looking like Jean. She thought she could fool me. I sent her away. But she... she changed. Into you.”
That bitch.
“And when we came back here and she renewed her offer... God, I’m so sorry, Marie, I never meant...”
“For me to find out?”
“No. I never meant to betray you. Because... Because I love you.”
Remember the feather thing? Here it is again.
We stand in silence for too long, and he’s the first to move. “I... I better go now.”
He’s at the door, the metal moving aside to let him pass, when I find my voice again. “Please stay.” My breath hitches in my throat, and I burst into fresh tears, sinking to my knees. “Don’t leave me, please don’t...”
He catches me as I fall forward, hard sobs shaking my body, and I cry into his chest for a long time.
Once my breathing has evened and I have regained an inkling of control, I move back, away from him.
“What do you want from me?”
I look up at him, and for once all his shields are down. His eyes are sincere, his emotions clearly visible on his face.
I was being honest. He hurt me more than I could imagine anybody could hurt me, but I still need him.
I still love him.
“Give me time.” He nods, and I smile a little. “And until I’m ready for whatever will happen... Hold me. Just hold me.”
And when he takes me into his arms again, I’m pretty certain that it won’t be long before I will forgive him.
The END