“How did you overcome the situation?” Hank snapped him out of the memory and back to the here and now.
“I slept in the stables for a week. Started meditating again and whenever I felt the urge I went out to the woods and just sat, watching the world.”
“Ah the Buddhist way, avoidance. I never would have thought you’d use their methods Logan, I had you more of a forward type.”
“Yeah well I’m not as easy to figure out as most people think. Just because I act like an animal sometime’s don’t mean I’m one all the time. Besides, I’ve seen you do a little meditation yourself, the day in the plane? When you found out what had been done with your work, you looked like you were ready to kill someone, anyone.”
Hank’s face twisted as he felt the emotions rise in the room, the scent of frustration rose and made his sinus itch with its strength.
“I didn’t know what they were doing until it was too late. I’d tried to help some get away from the lab but I didn’t do very well. Maybe if I’d had Xavier’s resources then I could have done more but as it was I only delayed the inevitable for them.” Self-disgust and hate burned through him, coming off his fur in waves. Looking at the man, seeing the pain etched in every line of his face, every joint, every hair of his body.
“Were you always like this?” Amber eyes met his. “I mean born with fur? Like Sabretooth?” Hanks eyes cleared a little and a cold indifference settled behind their warmth.
“No, I was born normal. Two hands, two feet, everything where it should be but I was larger than normal. My parents sent me for tests of course to rule out any pituitary defect, they came back negative. The only thing was that I was larger and stronger than most other children, something that the sports coach loved when I was in high school. But seeing as I’d majored in science by then the group peer pressure made the jump from the field to the lab very difficult for me.”
He paused as he raised a clawed hand, turning it in the light as if looking at a specimen. “This was my own doing. Not intentionally I may add but it was a mistake none the less. I’d been working on a formula to stabilise the mutant gene in mutants who were unable to control the changes going on inside them. The research was going too slowly to help anyone, so decided to take it myself.”
He opened his wide arms and waved at his furred torso, “And this is the result. As far as I can tell I still have my strength and agility but now I have the added gifts of scent and sight and an annoying peripheral vision, I know someone is around me when they’re hidden. That’s it, that’s the running totals of my mutations.” He looked at him as if to say ‘and now it’s your turn’. He didn’t respond the way he’d thought he would.
“So you’ve never used your instincts to the full then? How long have you been like this?” He saw the look of surprise in Hank as he asked the question.
“About six months now. It was hard going to conferences about mutation when they were used to seeing a human looking Hank McCoy.” He heard him grunt with displeasure at the comment. “It’s a fact of life Logan, most people see me as an animal now, not a doctor.”
“I don’t. You’re the most human mutant I’ve seen around here for a long time.” Hank met his gaze and saw nothing but the honesty in his words, he looked human but he wasn’t, he didn’t age, didn’t get hurt, never got sick. Seeing Logan as a mutant for the first time, Hank realised how much he’d lost. How much he *would* lose, but he still tried to be human even though he didn’t want to be most of the time. Understanding each others viewpoint Hank watched as he pushed out of his chair and stretched.
“Time for me to hit the hay Hank. You on duty tonight?” He nodded slowly. “Okay take it easy and I’ll see you in the morning. Night Hank.”
“Night Logan.” Watching the small man lope down the hall he reminded him of a wolf prowling his territory before sleep. He looked human but his heart wasn’t and that’s what made it difficult for him and others to understand. At least he could see the prejudice in people as they met him, for Logan they’d always got to know him first before they hurt him. That’s why he was separate from them all still, he had to be until he knew they would accept him as he’d done with them. Being a beast with a human heart was easy being a human with a beasts heart was harder.
Midwinter
*********
Work the next day went quickly, the workers heaved the cut logs to the new site where the cabin would be taking shape over the next week. The day moved with a rhythm that seemed almost hypnotic, from the sunrise to the sunset he worked without thinking. Just doing, allowing his body to work, to lift and heave, to stack and drive, encourage the horses up slope and help them to come down safely. Everyone seemed in good spirits after yesterdays hunting, the shine had returned to their eyes and they seemed more eager to help, more confident in their positions here as workers, as equals.
Dinner had been supplied by the workers, they’d brought a large stew of venison, he’d found a piece of heart and liver had been put on his plate especially. He understood what it meant and nodded his thanks and made sure everyone saw him eat it.
The sunset had been golden and the trucks almost seemed ethereal in the snowfields, as if they were bright toadstools that had grown overnight. They wouldn’t be back now until after the holidays, the snow front that had been threatening had come over. It’d be heavy and deep, not good weather for travel. The days of work they’d managed had given him enough lumber to work with for now. He’d get a good base down but he wouldn’t have any of the walls done until the New Year. Unless he could persuade Hank to give him a hand, he’d be strong enough to move the lumber into place but would he help?
Wiping his hand across his face feeling the frost prickle on his cheek he felt the temperature drop. The sun was weak but it had kept the temperature above freezing, now he could feel the slow drop as the heat was leeched out of the air. Watching the cool blue black as it spread over the sky, watching the band of pale cloud as it came closer. Blowing the cold out of his lungs, watching it plume over the sparkling snow, reflecting the light from the kitchen. Seeing Jubilee waiting for him, sat in the kitchen reading something like a textbook. It was the first time he’d ever seen her still, just sat, not moving or talking.
His heart really wasn’t in the challenge she’d set him, he wanted to go upstairs and curl up in his room. Sit on his bed watch a hockey game and breathe in the scent of Marie that still lingered there. She wasn’t home and he missed her, looking at Jubilee only reminded him of her. It struck him, if she was a friend of Kitty why hadn't she gone to Montana? Why hadn’t she gone with them? He found himself asking himself the question as he opened the kitchen door and was hit by the heat and scent of cinnamon.
Kurt was perched on a stool near the oven his eyes glued to a timer on the front. As if he was counting down the seconds to the second coming, noticing the twitching of his tail in time with the seconds on the dial. A tray of warm cookies sat next to the counter top, all different shapes and sizes, some were stars, some were Santa shaped, some were deer shape, some were just blobs. But they all smelled wonderful and he felt his mouth react to the new alluring scent. Jubilee must have noticed his look because she piped up. “Storm said she’d fry anyone who touched them before she’d had chance to ice them Wolverine so you’ve been warned. She even threatened Cyclops earlier.” He gave her an incredulous look.
“Really?”
“Yes my friend I was there also, she said she’d make it snow indoors for him if he tried.” Kurt turned and looked at him.
“She got you on timer duty eh?” Kurt’s tail moved erratically as he answered.
“Yes Logan, she wants to be sure that no-one takes any before she has chance to decorate it. It’s a gingerbread house. We’re making it for the children.” The grin he showed him was one straight from his own childhood, where the celebrations had been full of light and colour. A celebration of life in the middle of the dark winter.
Settling himself down he asked Jubilee to get him a beer.
“A beer, you sure we’re supposed to be going shopping aren’t we?”
“Yeah we are but by the time we get going the beer will be gone from my system, believe me. It’s hard for anything to last in my system for long.”
“Yeah except Rogue.” The off the cuff comment hit home and he glared at Jubilee, his eyes piercing her through and seeing her visibly flinch under his stare.
“Sorry,” she moved out of her seat and went to the fridge, picking a bottle out of his stash and bringing it back to the table. Just as Scott walked in.
“I’ve got to go for a while, the professor wants to see me about something and he won’t tell me what it is over the phone. So, it looks like I’ll be spending my Christmas in Scotland, I’m taking the jet so you’ll be without it for a while. If anything happens, contact me through the com-link on the jet. I’ll leave it open.” Jubilee sat and listened to the news and her face went through several emotions at once. Happiness at knowing the disciplinarian of the school was leaving but also the dread that he wouldn’t be here for the contest later.
“When do you leave?” Her voice sounded weak and small in the large kitchen. Turning to her he answered.
“Now. I’m packed and ready to go, just thought I’d pop in and let you know what’s going on. Logan, I’ve left Storm in charge of the students, the security program is running so the patrols should keep to the house. I’ve talked to Storm about the weather front coming in and she’s advised me to leave as soon as possible to avoid the worst of it. Well Happy Christmas and have a good New Year, but if you do have a party try to clear up after yourselves?”
He looked pointedly at Jubilee, “No drinking in the dorms young lady. Or late night parties, have I made myself clear?” Jubilee just nodded as the impact of his words settled in on her. “Well I’m off, have fun everyone and enjoy the snow.” With that he left the kitchen for the hanger, Jubilee just grinned. Turning herself back round she gave him a megawatt smile.
“What are you so pleased about?” he had a sneaking suspicion about what he’d just heard but he wanted it confirming for himself.
“Well he said no parties in the dorm, he didn’t say anything about anywhere else did he?” Draining his beer he cracked his neck and stood up. Hearing the little timer go off on the other side of the kitchen watching as Kurt opened the oven door and a blast of ginger and cinnamon hit his nose.
“Come on, we’ve got to get to town and back before the real snow comes.” Turning to Kurt who held the precious tray in his mitted hands he spoke. “Do we need any more supplies before the storm comes?”
Kurt looked up from the tray with barely disguised hunger and greed, “There’s a list and the credit card by the front door, Ororo was going to do it earlier but she got distracted by the baking.” The drool visible on his lips, smiling he thought he’d better remind him of his own advice.
“Remember Kurt, no tasting,” smiling as the man’s eyes looked into his and saw the man’s own torn emotions of selfish need and his duty to watch the baking. “Come on Jubilee, grab your coat. We’re going shopping.”
********************************************************
The drive to town was quiet, a couple of deer walked out in front of them and he’d stopped the truck allowing them to pass. Jubilee was quiet and it unnerved him, she was usually the one who was open, bubbly. Now she seemed a different person altogether. He switched on the radio and they both listened to the saccharin sweetness of the carols that came out of it, even Jubilee screwed up her nose about it and turned it off. The silence eventually got to him. “You okay about coming into town? Do you want to go back? I mean after the other day?” Her face seemed drawn and pale when she turned toward him, her mind showing her conflicting emotions on her face.
“What do you think of me Wolverine?” The question floored him somewhat, he’d just thought she was upset about the Mall but no, this was something else and he could smell her confusion.
“In what sense?” He watched as she mulled the question over.
“I mean as a person. What do you think of ‘me’?” This was dangerous territory, he’d once been asked by a woman how he saw her and he’d told her the truth. All of it and he’d been lucky to keep his sight in one eye. Coughing he had a stab at it.
“Well I don’t really know you that well Jubilee. I can tell you what I see and that’s about it,” He saw the information go in and watched as it was calculated. A decision reached she decided to ask anyway.
“Okay, tell me.”
“What, how I think you are? Or how I smell you are?”
“What?” he knew that would throw her, people never thought about the other sides to themselves, the baser selves that revealed it’s self when they weren’t watching. Knowing he had her full attention now he started.
“Well your intelligent, girly, you love the colour yellow more than anyone sane should. You bounce when you talk, you move unconsciously when you’re nervous, you play with your hair when no-one’s watching, your unsure about things and you're in love with Bobby Drake.”
The last part made her gasp and he turned to see her wide mouthed and shocked. “What? You said you wanted to know and I’ve told you.” She closed her mouth and stared out of the window into the darkness. She stayed like that for a few moments, just quiet and he began to curse himself for allowing himself to get into this in the first place.
“How did you know? About Bobby I mean?” Her eyes were uncertain as they looked at him.
“The nose never lies Jubilee, you smell different when you’re around him.”
“What do you mean?”
How could he describe something she had no idea about? It was hard enough for him to understand it sometimes, it just hardwired itself into his mind. She loves him, he’s attracted to her etc, etc. She saw him struggling to find a way for her to understand and helped him out. “Is it like perfume? Like the difference between knock-off and real stuff?” he looked at her for a second as he negotiated a turn.
“Yeah I suppose so, you just smell different, stronger.”
“Is it a bad smell? Do I need to get rid of it?” he could feel the uncomfortable vibrations emanating from her, that there was something else wrong with her that she couldn’t fix.
“Think of Damask,” he saw her eyes already clouded with tears. Damn she was blaming herself for something that was natural. “Her gift is that everyone can smell her aroma and it attracts people. They find her attractive, it’s a mutation of the natural hormones everyone produces. I just pick them up better, every other animal does. Humans do too but they don’t get them as strong, you can’t hide them Jubilee, it’s natural to have them. People try to cover the truth of themselves with fake scents and all it does is confuse the animal inside everyone.” He could see her turn toward him and he could see her mind working it out.
“So all these expensive perfumes aren’t worth it then?”
“Yeah.”
“So all the adverts and such are just trying to mimic what we produce naturally? But why do we do it in the first place?” Now this could be difficult.
“To get a mate.” He saw the information sink in and her face softened as she understood what he’d said.
“So your saying I should stop using the fake stuff and just smell like me, a clean me of course.” He risked a look.
“Yeah you should, that is if you want to smell as yourself and get what you want. Think of it as a kind of language Jubilee, you don’t need false messages getting through and confusing things.” She almost blushed then and pointed to the grocery store where they had an account.
“That’s where we get our food from.” As he pulled into the car park Jubilee turned to him. “I did wonder why Rogue gave me all her products, is that why?” Just the mention of Marie took his mind back to her scent, rich and musky, like the earth after the rain. She must have caught his look and she quickly moved out of the truck. He grinned and opened his door and switched off the engine.
“Yeah Jubilee, that’s why. I love her to smell of her, not something cooked up in a lab somewhere.” Locking the truck he pocketed the card and the list and headed into the grocery store with Jubilee. “I’m sure Bobby will like you no matter what you wear,” her eyes locked onto his and she smiled. A flash of the old Jubilee, plucking a wire cart she wheeled it to the front doors and waited for him.
“Come on then let see if your nose can find us a few decent veggies.” He made a face and Jubilee laughed in the cold air. “We all can’t exist on meat like you can Wolverine. Some of us don’t like flesh.” So, Jubilee was a vegetarian.
“You’d better not let Bobby know that, he might not want to kiss you,” his hands pulled the shopping cart out of her hands and saw her shocked expression. “Well he’s made of flesh isn’t he? Or is he just snow and ice?” Catching his smile and wolfish glint in his eye she slapped him on the arm playfully and walked into the store.
********************************************************
The lights were too bright and the small grocery was littered with people prodding and poking fruit and vegetables. Children were running down the aisles throwing little pieces of snow at each other, Jubilee was hit by one and just smiled. He got one on the back of his neck, the cold ice water wicking into his shirt, he turned and glared at the small child who’d thrown the ice ball. The kid just smiled and ran back to its mother.
They took their time picking out the food they’d need over the next few days, the list was longer than he’d expected it to be, covering everything that the kids would need over the holidays. Looking at the frozen meat in the butchers display made him feel sick to his stomach. He could smell the fear still on the flesh, the meat would be tough and dry. It looked like he’d be providing the Christmas Lunch, his eyes met the butchers and the man had been wise enough to look away. Growling softly he pulled Jubilee away from the counter and sent her off to pick up the dried goods they’d need.
Walking down the aisles he came across a small display of gifts, the items were handmade and very delicate. Small little soapstone carvings, some tiny beadwork on leather, so small that it looked grown not sewn. Picking up a piece, his fingers tracing the pattern that swept down the small piece of leather. Knowing the leather was deer, soft and pliable, he wasn’t aware of Jubilee until she spoke.
“She likes those,” he caught himself in time not to blush at her intrusion. “Rogue, she likes them. She wanted to know who made them but the guy on the counter didn’t know.” She saw his discomfort and let him go. “I’m going to get the milk and orange juice okay, I’ll be back in second.” Smiling she left him there with the small bracelet, its pattern already etched into his memory. The pattern was a heron, it’s body about to rise into flight, wings spread. The detail was amazing and it really was worth the price on the tag. Holding the small piece he made his way down the aisle and met up with a struggling Jubilee.
The total of the groceries stunned him and he had to hand over the duties of the credit card to Jubilee who seemed a past master at it. The card was swiped and a thumbprint taken from Jubilee, a little green light and a beep and they were paid for. He’d paid for his own purchase in cash, the small piece took nearly all of it but it was worth it. Struggling with the groceries, they made it out to the truck and into the snowstorm.
It took a few minutes to get everything stowed away properly in the back, the snow was beginning to fall heavily and the wind wasn’t helping any. Looking at Jubilee he wondered if they’d make it back, having the school in it’s own grounds was great in summer but the lanes to the school were twisty and very steep in places. Maybe they’d better phone home first, he looked at Jubilee. “Give me your phone.” Jubilee looked at him as if he’d asked her to wear something that was a cast off.
“What?”
“Give me your phone, I need to call Storm.” Huffing to herself Jubilee pulled out her bright yellow phone and pressed a digit, he heard the speed dial kick in and she hummed as she waited for a pick up. “Hi Storm it’s Jube here, Wolverine wants to talk to you.” She handed over the small bright yellow phone.
“Hi Storm, what’s the snow like up at the school? We’ve got it pretty bad down here and I’m not sure about the roads to get back. I’ll give it a go if you think its necessary but if not we’ll sit it out down here.” He listened to Storm telling him about the weather warnings that had come down the line telling him that his instincts had been right to stay put for the night.
The town wasn’t far away and Peiter could come down in the morning with the small plough and clear the worst of the snow. He turned to Jubilee and saw the look of horror creeping across her face as she realised what was being discussed. Snapping the phone closed he handed it back, “Looks like we’re on a unscheduled field trip. The snow’s too bad to get through tonight and by morning we’ll have more light to see by.” Jubilee looked deflated and upset, all the sparkle had gone out of her. “Come on I’ll buy you a drink.” Her head snapped up.
“What?”
“You know, a drink?”
“In a bar?!” Jubilee’s eyes were almost out of her head and a small wicked grin had camped on her lips.
“Yes, a drink, in a bar. Rosie’s to be precise, one of the things that keeps me coming back here.” He looked right through her, daring her to speak. She kept quiet and just grinned. “Rosie’s okay with ‘almost’s.”
“ Almost’s?” Now it was his turn to smile at her.
“As in ‘Almost 21’. Rosie don't take too kindly to police but she ain’t too friendly with the shadier sort either. Rosie is just Rosie. She dont judge and just keeps the tab going. She knows she’ll get it out of you sooner or later.”
Turning the key in the truck he could almost smell the beer from where he was. They’d be safe from the storm and they’d get to keep their appointment. “Besides you owe me a challenge and I can’t think of a better place than Rosie’s to do it.” He listened to Jubilee’s protestations all the way there about why they couldn’t and why they shouldn’t. After a few minutes of listening he decided to give his opinion.
“You were the one who started this Jubilee, you were the one who opened your mouth without thinking. All I’m doing is taking you up on it. Besides at Rosie’s you’ll have a safe place to be ill in. It’ll not be the first time I’ll have slept there. You wanted to know what I thought of you earlier Jubilee and I told you, don’t make me a liar.” She was silent for a while and he could smell her indecision as she fought over something in her head. Coming to a decision she spoke.
“Do you know what my mutation is?” Taking his eye from the storm outside the truck for a moment to look at her he shook his head. “I can use electricity, a plasma burst as The Professor tells it. I’ve never been out of the school when I’ve lost control of it. And I don’t want to do anything stupid, I mean what if I get drunk and start shooting holes in the walls? Or I give someone a shock? I don’t want to hurt anyone.” Slowing the truck to a crawl he looked over to her and saw Jubilee with her head in her hands and tears forming in her eyes.
“Hey, what if you just have a good time? I mean it can’t be that bad to have fun or you’d have destroyed the school by now. Maybe you’re just worried that you’ll look an idiot when you’re drunk or do something you’ll regret tomorrow.” Her face bloomed and her scent peaked sharply, that was it, it wasn’t what he’d thought. She was worried about him, now that Marie was away and she was here alone with him, would she want him to do anything and would she try to when she was drunk? Smiling he understood the complex smells and scents he was picking up from her, he pulled into the small tarmac car park of Rosie’s Tavern. “Don’t worry about it Jubilee we’ll see what tonight holds and if we end up sleeping in the truck I’ll keep you warm.” Winking at her as he saw her blush from the feet upward.
********************************************************
Rosie’s tavern was old by american standards, the roof had been repaired more times than the walls, the shingles on the side replaced and faded by the sun to a pale grey. Rosie’s looked like a house that had been turned into a bar, which it had nearly 80 years ago.
Pushing open the heavy door the familiar smell of the bar rolled over him. Untying the knot in his shoulders and easing his trepidation about bringing Jubilee here. Rosie was serving a few customers down the end of the bar and she turned to see who else the storm had brought her. Smiling when she saw who it was. “Logan you old dog, when did you get back? I haven’t seen you for around six months. The last time you were here I thought I’d have to sell up and go into wholesale.”
Jubilee pushed her way past and gave him a stare that ran him through, he’d forgotten about that. He’d almost come home six months ago, the thought of being away had been too much for him, he’d needed something, someone. But he’d ended up at Rosie’s and had almost drunk the bar dry over three days. He’d spent nearly every penny he’d had on trying to avoid the pain he felt, to drown the pain he felt at the loss of everything. Seeing the Professor in the town had settled matters for him, he left the same day putting as much distance between him and the school. He was still hurting and he couldn’t, wouldn’t allow them the see it. Jubilee just stared through him as she made her way to a small table and sat down. He decided to avoid the question and went straight to Rosie.
“Hi Rosie.” The woman in front of him was what most would call ‘homely’, large, soft faced and with a smile that could charm the angels. Yet underneath she had the strength of at least two men and she knew how to make a single touch hurt so bad that you’d wish you’d never been born. Rosie was an old time barman. One who just keeps it coming and makes sure you don’t die from the abuse, as she’d said before ‘death is bad for business’. Moving away from her other customers she moved down the wooden bar and pulled out a bottle from underneath it. Placing it in front of him and leaving a small glass by it, she smiled.
“Kept it for you Logan, no-ones even touched it since you were last here. A bottle like this has to have only one owner, besides I’m not sure anyone else could handle it.” She noticed his eyes and the stare that was piercing his back, “Don’t mean to intrude on your business honey but the little lady there doesn’t seem to like you much.” Looking at Rosie he read her plain emotions, she was concerned enough about him to care. Over the years he’d met a few bartenders who seemed to enjoy his company and Rosie was one of the best.
“Yeah she’s from the School, she didn’t know I’d been here six months ago. They haven’t seen me for a year.”
The words settled on the room like the snow outside settled into the cold air. Rosie leaned back and understood with a glance at Jubilee.
“I thought you said her hair was brown with a white streak?” Snapping his attention to Rosie’s eyes she knew the mistake and was about to apologise when he answered for her.
“No Rosie, this is Jubilee,” he turned to show Rosie her new customer. “She made a very rash challenge to me the other morning,” Rosie’s eyebrows arched. “She said she could drink anything I could brew, so we were going to do this at the school but the weather has forced us into your bar. So Rosie what can you brew up for a ‘almost’ that won’t get me lynched in the morning and won't get her so drunk so quickly that she won't remember anything?” Rosie smiled and had a good look at Jubilee, weighing her up in her expert gaze.
“Come here honey, I wont bite you.” Jubilee pushed her chair away from the small table and walked toward the bar, her slight frame seeming to be dwarfed by the large wooden bar. “Now what do you like to eat? I always think that you should drink something that matches what you love to eat, so what is it? Hamburger girl or fruit salad type?” Pointedly ignoring Logan she smiled at Rosie and answered.
“I’m a vegetarian so I eat plenty of fruit and vegetables but I love coconut and creamy stuff.” Looking sideways at the small woman next to him he realised she’d changed from the kid he’d seen stuffing herself with junk food a year ago to someone completely different. Rosie mulled over the choices she had in front of her.
“We’ll try you on a Baileys first. Then if that’s a no we’ll go onto the spirits. Somehow I think beer isn’t your thing.” Smiling at her as she poured out a measure of a creamy liquid into a glass and handed it over.
“Start a tab Rosie, we’ll be here for the duration.” Nodding she wrote down their drinks.
“You wanting anything to eat?” Looking over at Jubilee who was still exploring the taste sensation in her glass he nodded.
“Yeah Rosie what ever you can rustle up the storms pretty bad and we’ll be staying most of the night.”
“If it’s as bad as it sounds Honey you’ll be here all night. The spare room is still set up so you’re welcome to use it,” her eyes took in Jubilee who had almost finished her glass. “Which ever of you needs it first.” Laughing she walked into the back of the bar to the small kitchen.
Looking at Jubilee he saw her eyeing up the possibility of another drink, but he squashed that thought and pulled her back to the table. Pulling her arm out of his grip and sat across from him, she was still angry with him.
“So you were here 6 months ago huh? Do you want to know what was happening at the school 6 months ago? What Rogue was doing 6 months ago?”
He looked her straight in the eyes and watched as she shrank back a little. She rallied and stared back. “Rogue spent almost three days searching the damn town for you. She said you’d been here, she’d felt you and that you needed her. She spent nearly a week looking for you, her studies went out of the window all she could think of was you. She even snubbed Kitty and the Professor had to come and collect her when she couldn’t find you. She thought she’d gone mad, that she couldn’t trust what she felt or saw anymore. It was a hard time Logan.” She used his name like a weapon, slicing him to the bone with her words.
“You weren’t there when she fell apart again after the incident with Bobby.” Her own emotions rose when she spoke about that. “You know he knew that he wasn’t her first choice you know, she was waiting for you to come back and when she thought you had, she just went. She left, leaving us all wondering what had happened, that is until the Professor found her.” She toyed with the glass in her hands, the alcohol already finding its way into her blood, firing her senses, making her more bold than she would have been normally. “They found her next to a dumpster. She’d been searching through it, looking for you; she'd had a crazy idea that you’d been injured and put in it. That’s when the Professor took her home.”
The hurt she displayed was almost tangible and he felt even worse now he knew what he’d put her through. She had been with him here, he had been in the dumpster, a couple of bikers had had a discussion with his face and he’d ended up in there for a night. That was the day he’d seen Xavier and had decided to leave again. She’d almost found him and she never knew.
Jubilee saw his head drop as he worked out all the pain and suffering he must have put Rogue through. “She loves you, you know. Ever since Liberty Island we noticed it but I guess she’s been interested in you since you touched her.” His eyes met up with hers. “Not with your hands, with those.” Jubilee tapped her own knuckles and the gaps in between. “She had a fascination with them afterward and you should have heard the amount of questions we had to suffer every time we mentioned them. Yeah she loved you from the beginning, Bobby was only a stopgap and he knew it. Poor Bobby.”
Noticing her feelings and how her scent had become stronger at his name, he decided to push the issue, going to the bar he paid for the bottle of Baileys and brought it over.
“Go on tell me what I missed, all of it, every stupid little detail so you can beat me over the head with it. But we’re going to drink to each month I’ve been away. So we’ve done one, there’s another eleven to go. You think your upto it?” Jubilee looked at the bottle and her small glass and nodded.
“Sure but you’ve got to finish your own drink first.”
Looking at his glass, the amber liquid sat in the tumbler like resin. He knew its taste and how much it managed to get to him, it was the only thing he’d found that touched the depths when he needed it to. Holding the glass he threw the contents back into his mouth and felt the sear as the fire went down his throat. Jubilee smiled as she saw him wince with its heat.
“It’s meant to be sipped Jubilee, slowly not thrown back like this.”
“Okay then you sip for each day you weren’t here, for each day you left Rogue to wait for you. That a deal?” He found her eyes and poured her another drink into her glass.
“Deal.”
********************************************************
They’d gotten upto April when Jubilee started to look a little drunk, she’d filled him in with all the relevant detail about Marie. How she’d waited for the first month near the garage, hoping to hear the bike’s engine. How she’d withdrawn herself into her shell again, that was until Xavier had given her some duties in the small day crèche he ran in the spring and summer. Small toddlers and babies who were born different from everyone else, at first she’d said no because she might hurt them. That was until she’d seen that everyone in the crèche wore gloves and long sleeves, the kids were sometimes born with claws or spines, so they needed protection from them, she’d blossomed then.
Showering love and affection on them all, bringing her out of her depression but she still sat by the gates every day. Sat under a tree, reading or writing in her journal. Jubilee made sure he found out about that little piece of information, her journal. She’d once sneaked a look at it and it had been filled with dreams and impressions of where he had been. One entry had caught her attention and she’d repeated it to him verbatim. “Lost in the swamps again, feeling free, nothing holding me back, nothing to feel, able to be what I am. Buck naked and happy.” It had been around the end of March and that was exactly where he’d been. Louisiana to be precise. He’d followed the fight circuit for a while and he’d ended up being dumped out in the swamps, he’d lost a few group fights and they’d decided to give his body back to nature. So he’d wound up naked and lost in the swamp feeling free for the first time in a long time. Nothing to hold him, no one to care about, nowhere to go, just to be.
He needed to see that journal, to see what else she’d gotten right.
Jubilee filled her glass again and watched as the information sank in, every detail being turned over by his mind watching as it became etched into him. She was creating a history, writing the story of Rogue that he didn’t know. Jubilee knew he loved her even before he left, even before he knew it himself. He’d looked at her with longing in his eyes, not the same as the lust he’d shown as he’d watched Dr Grey. Dr. Grey’s attraction to him was animalistic, it wouldn’t last but Rogue, his eyes had always sought her out, always managed to find her in room.
Watched her tiniest movement even when he hadn’t been aware he’d been doing it, she’d told Rogue about it lots of times. All she’d done was blush and say that she was stupid. But she’d been right all along, he did love her and he’d shown it in the smallest of ways. Before he’d left again he’d spent a full day with her, just shadowing her, sitting in on her classes, not making himself over visible but there none the less. She’d bumped into him that day, he’d been watching her eat with Bobby and Kitty. His face had scowled at her for interrupting his view of Rogue. Lifting her glass she decided to tackle him about that.
“Why did you scowl at me the day you left?” The comment almost floored him faster than the triple distilled Brandy could. He’d forgotten about that day, the day he’d run away. He’d followed Marie all day, shadowing her, seeing she was okay that she didn’t need him to look after her. He remembered bumping into a kid wearing yellow, not realising until now it had been Jubilee.
“You were very mean to me that day Logan, just because I made you move so I could get by with my lunch.” Some of her words were slurred but she was holding herself quite well. He looked at her hurt expression and a small amount of guilt pushed to the surface.
“I didn’t know who you were then Jubilee.”
“Yeah I know, no-one seemed interested in me. Only Kitty and Rogue, the mansions babes, one who couldn’t be touched; the other who was so perfect she could be the poster girl for mutant kind!” He saw the hurt bloom under her smile. “No invites for Jube’s, just a hanger on, a third wheel. The obligatory chink at the party expected to be intelligent and witty.” She downed the glass and winced at the burn of the creamy whiskey. Her eyes sparkled with tears at the edges, “You know I used to watch you.” She saw the shock cover his face for a moment. “Yup, the great Wolverine never even knew I was there. Just like everyone else.”
A single tear rolled down her cheek. “You know how easy it is to be a vacant lot Logan? When everyone expects you to be one? Just because I came from L.A, everyone just wants the Valley Girl. The little airhead with the great shopping sense, the one who knows how to shop, paint nails, talk about the latest trends and actually think it means *anything*.” The tear tracks were being filled moment by moment, she allowed them to stream down without blinking. Watching them fall he felt the ache from her, the crushing loneliness, the shell she’d built around her.
“You know I still have nightmares about the raid? Even now I have to sleep with the door locked, I even have a tazer under my pillow. Although not many people know that so shhhh, keep that to yourself.” She winked and poured herself out another. “What month are we upto?”
“Me I’m still in February, you’re onto June.” Her eyes went wide as she realised.
“Ah June. Swimming season! Oh that was fun for around ten minutes.”
She snorted and drank half of the glass in front of her. Rosie came over and deposited two plates of food on the table and Jubilee gave her a smile and picked up the wrapped knife and fork. “Thanks Rosie!”
Rosie looked at the half drunk Jubilee and the tear stains and gave him a look. He just shook his head and she patted his arm and walked back to the other customers at the bar. “See even Rosie feels sorry for me.” Jubilee pointed with her fork at the retreating form of Rosie, putting the fork down on the salad in front of her. “Why do they do that?” His silence prompted her to continue. “Why do they feel sorry for me? It’s not as if I’m like some of the students, I can wear what I like, do what I like, I’m not a threat to anyone? Why do people hate me?”
Picking up a piece of food and eating it he answered her.
“Because they don’t know you Jubilee. You hide behind what you want them to see.” She stopped her fork halfway to her mouth and slowly put it back down. The distance between them had just expanded expedientially, the temperature between them had just hit subzero temperatures.
“Well your one to talk about that, Mr ‘I don’t need anyone’.” Her eyes flashed with anger as she speared more salad on the fork, angrily shoving the laden fork into her mouth and chewing hard on the leaves.
“Yeah well, when you’ve been through as much as I have you’ll understand that sometimes it’s better to be on your own.”
She snorted and finished her mouthful. “Really? Then tell me that you don’t need Rogue. That you don’t love her and haven’t thought about her all day, that you don’t need to see her, to hold her, to fuck her again.” An angry blush had crept up her face and her scent had changed to distress, she was hurting and she was going to make sure he did too. Her voice raised higher, “Go on tell me that, tell me you don’t give a shit about us. That you don’t care about what happens to us, that the soldiers could have taken us all and you wouldn’t have cared. That the rest of the world would be free of us all and you’d be back with Stryker where you started!”
She realised what she’d said just as it left her lips, the quiet in the bar seemed to stretch out forever. “Oh Logan I’m sorry, I didn’t mean to,” he just put down his fork and kept his eyes on the plate in front of him. Feeling the prickle of tears behind his eyes, feeling the weight of guilt on his already tired bones. He’d *wanted* the answers, he’d wanted to find out who he’d been until he’d seen it reflected in Stryker’s face. Then he knew what he’d been, he’d been a killer, an animal, nothing more. A dog on a leash that had once been a wolf, free and able to make his own choices, he knew his memories were old, he had one which seemed to be from the Second World War. But was it real?
He didn’t know but if it was, there were others older than that one. Breathing out slowly, controlling the pain he felt he looked up in time to see Jubilee bolt for the door. He just missed her coat and she was out of the tavern quicker than he could move. “Damn!” Fighting his way out of a drink induced warmth he felt the blood in his body fizzing as it burned away the buzz he’d been trying to get all night. Pushing open the door he was met by the full brunt of winter, he found her two feet away collapsed in a snowdrift. Curled up into a ball crying, Christmas really was a great holiday it brought out the best in folks and the worst, including him. Grabbing her arm he pulled her out of the drift and back toward the bar. The last two customers were coming out, shuffling as Rosie pushed them out of the door and held it open for him and Jubilee. Rosie locked the large door as they went back to their table. “There we go, no more suicide runs tonight missy, the doors locked and I’ve got the only key. I’ll be in the back if you want anything Logan.” She patted him on the back going behind the bar and left them to the remains of their dinner.
He held her still for a moment before he let her go, she just stood there, eyes downcast and snow melting on her clothes. “Jubilee.” She didn’t respond. “Jubilee, look at me or so help me,” his voice showed his annoyance and her face registered the fear she felt and he felt her shrink away from his bulk.
The truth of her hit him, she’d been a runaway, a street survivor like Marie, most of the kids from the school were. They’d been at the bottom of the pile and were expecting it to carry on that way. Some of the luckier kids like Kitty had a family that understood, were willing to work with the school. Jubilee had no-one, not even Bobby yet. She’d needed him too, like every other kid there. How many times had she watched him? Needed to feel that he was there to reassure her that things weren’t as bad as before?
He scanned her eyes seeing the fear there shining out at him, wondering if he was going to hit her, his nose picked up a deeper sense of dread. He knew what that meant instinctually and he just pulled her to him. “I’m sorry.” He wrapped himself around her feeling her struggle against him, reminding him of Marie, of Damask and every other kid at the school. He was their protector, their weapon against the dark and he’d left that behind when he’d gone. Never thinking about them what he was doing to their minds, taking away a piece of security they’d needed. He saw Rosie back at the bar and she pointed upstairs, he got her meaning. The room was ready whenever they wanted it, Rosie cleaned down the bar, switched off the beer lights and made her way out of the room.
“I hate you.” The venom was real in her voice, the depth of it made him shudder inside. “Why did you leave us? Why did you leave Rogue? We needed you!!” He felt her tears soaking through his shirt, angry and hot. She stopped struggling and just cried, cried for herself, for the nights laid awake listening to Rogue cry for hours, for the fact that she had no one who really knew her. For the fact that she hated Kitty for having everything she didn’t, for the fact that she needed him more than Rogue did. Rogue knew she had his heart, she knew he loved her and she carried a piece of him with her no matter where she went.
He pulled her down on to a chair with her sat in his lap, his arm still cradled around her, pulling her head into his shoulder. Just holding her there with him, letting her empty herself of it all, all the pain all the hatred. Feeling her break apart as the poison flowed out of her with every tear, allowing her to listen to his slow even breathing like a new born. After a while she stopped crying, using the sleeve of her coat to wipe her eyes. “I’m sorry Logan.”
She pushed her way out of his arms and stood away from him. He just sat there watching her try to apologise for being human, for having emotions she was allowed to have. Getting out of the chair he walked over to her and held her tightly, this time feeling her hands reach around his back and grip hard. As if he was the only solid thing around, he could feel her need for him, he could smell it and the animal drooled at the thought. But no, she wasn’t Marie and he wasn’t hers. Touching her hair, Jubilee looked up at him, the need in her gaze almost tangible. “Come on Jubilee, time for bed. We can do the next six months another time huh?” He felt her heartbeat skip as he spoke but she saw the meaning and she just smiled. “Sure Logan.”
He knew the way and took her to the small room, it was warm, comfortable and had a bed made up in it. Rosie was a practical lady, she knew what the winters were like and the delivery drivers sometimes stayed overnight because of the weather. He settled Jubilee in the small bed and took the chair near the door, she watched him settle down in the old armchair before she turned over and sought some sleep. He watched her fall asleep, the slow even breathing of someone who was exhausted, both physically and mentally and no longer had to hide it.
********************************************************
He heard Rosie before he saw her and turned his head to see her walking down with a couple of steak sandwiches and a glass of Brandy each. She motioned to her back room and he nodded in reply, leaving the door open he walked the couple of feet that separated the two rooms. He found Rosie sat at the small dinette table eating her sandwich with gusto, sitting down across from her he picked up his own and bit into it. The taste of the beef made him growl and he ate as Rosie laughed. “I swear Logan you make me wish I had another husband. Any man who loves food like you do has to be good in bed.” Finishing half of it he put the rest down and took a drink, his gaze meeting Rosie’s and seeing the mischief sparkle there.
“If you were my wife Rosie, you’d have been bankrupt years ago.”
“Maybe so, maybe so but I’d be a happy bankrupt with you in the bed!” her laughter was warm and rich, flowing over him and soothing the pain he’d been through tonight. She saw the depths of the wounds and calmed her voice.
“How are you doing Logan? Last time I saw you I thought it’d be the last honey, I really did. Even with your peculiarities you were hitting the bottle hard, you know me Logan I’ll serve you till I think you can't take it. But you were out to die then, what happened? And what’s with the kid?” He looked up into her face and considered how he would tell her, when he hadn’t really been honest with himself yet, so he started with Jubilee.
“She’s called Jubilee, she’s from Xavier’s and that’s about all I do know about her Rosie, except that I know she’s been abused, punched, raped and god knows what else.” He took another drink and leaned forward toward Rosie. “I made a mistake Rosie, I never should have left in the first place.” She saw his collapse into despair, turning his hazel eyes dark with it.
“But your back now aren’t you? You’re sticking around, I mean the last time it came to Christmas you never even showed your face here. Even when the rest of them came down to have a party, you stayed away.”
He remembered that, the invite had been made by Xavier to come and celebrate Christmas with them all in the Tavern. He’d left the same night, packing up his stuff and just going, the snow hadn’t been too bad that year, almost nothing. It had been easy to leave, to think that he wasn’t coming back, that they didn’t need him or want him around. Only recently had he found out how much they’d missed him, how much of himself he’d left behind in the eyes and hearts of others.
“They drank your health you know,” the comment stopped him dead. He looked straight through her as if she’d told him she was a man. “No, seriously Logan they all drank to your health and wished you a happy Christmas, no matter what you were doing. Although the guy with the visor wasn’t too complimentary about what he thought you were doing.” Her smile made him wonder exactly what Scott had said but it didn’t matter now. All that mattered was that he was here and that Marie was coming home in few days. He leaned back and drained his glass, feeling the brandy do its work on his senses. Taking the edge off the pain, dulling his sharpness to the world, he saw Rosie’s eyes soften and she got up and moved round the small table taking her plate to the sink.
She turned back to the table and saw him watching her, his face shrouded by pain and guilt. A hundred days of pain etched in each eye, self-loathing and guilt stretched across his brow weighing him further. She knew what he was, she’d listened to him rant and rave, the nightmares he couldn’t hold in any longer, she’d listened and been the closest thing to family he’d ever had.
Rosie.
His rock, his healer, the one who left him to do things his way and never asked him why, never felt disappointed in him, never hurt him, just accepted what he was. The words fell from his lips as she saw the mask he was wearing break in front of her. “Rosie, I..” Then she was there, holding him close to her side allowing him let go, feeling him break down, opening the wounds and releasing everything he’d been holding onto, everything he couldn’t tell Xavier, everything he’d done while he’d been away.
Rosie just held him, hugged him and soothed the pain that burned through him. She was his confessor, the one he could be weak with, that’s why he’d always come home. Even if the school failed and the world turned bad he’d still come here, still coming to find Rosie and be held. They made an odd scene, a man in his prime holding onto an old woman who could have been his mother if they both didn’t know the truth of it. He was older than her but it didn’t matter, she was here and she let him get rid of the hurt, to remove it all and feel better.
Stroking his hair as he held her he told her about Marie, his voice becoming stronger and more even as he talked. Telling her about the plans for the school, the new assault course and the workers they’d hired. Moving his head away from her hip she sat down again, seeing the brightness back in his eyes, the smile back on his face, especially when he talked about Marie.
“Do you love her?” The question was honest and he did his best to answer truthfully from himself.
“Yes Rosie I do. She got me when I wasn’t looking, I found out when I was half a world away and as low as I could get.” He told Rosie all about the trip back with Damask, how he’d come to terms with the fact that he was in love with Marie. That he’d always been in love with her, ever since he’d found her that day hiding in his trailer. “But Rosie, she’s only 21. Sometimes I feel so old Rosie. I know I’m old enough to be her great grandfather but I still need her!” Rosie laughed at him struggling with this and he felt himself get angry, snatching up his now empty plate he took it to the sink and growled under his breath.
“Oh Logan don’t get mad at me Honey, it’s just that you can be such a jackass sometimes! Do you honestly think she sees you like that? Honey she sees you as you are now, the wonderful vibrant man you’ve been for the last few years. Not the old whore monger, or the cage fighter, she sees the man who rescued her, the man who touched her when no-one else would, you stupid fool of a man. That’s what she sees every time you see her. Damn and I thought you were smart, you know shit about women that’s for sure.”
Her rich laugh made him smile as he replayed the looks that Marie had given him over their short time together and damn it if she wasn’t right. She loved him no matter what he looked like, no matter if he was old enough to be her great grandfather, she loved who he *was*, not how old he was. She’d catch him up eventually and they had all that time together to get used to the fact too. He turned round to see tears rolling down her face and the care worn smile stuck to her lips. “I’m off to bed Logan, the bottle’s on the bar if you want any more. I’ve had enough for tonight.”
Her eyes sparkled with amusement. “Fancy keeping an old lady warm in her old age on a cold night?” He laughed at her familiar taunt.
“Nah, you’d only wear me out Rosie, you know that. I’ll sleep in the chair, it’s safer.” Hearing her laughter as she went up the stairs to her private rooms, listening to the deadlock catch and her footsteps across the ceiling.
Rosie was his private little rock, the one person who knew the man he was trying to be. The one Stryker and his men had tried to erase, he’d come to the bar the night after he’d come round from the battle on Liberty Island. He’d been angry, looking for a fight and he’d found one in Rosie’s bar. He’d almost killed two men that night, he’d had a knife in the ribs and back and Rosie had carried him back to the small room he was in now.
She’d been cleaning the wounds when they’d healed in front of her, she hadn’t questioned him, just let him out of the back door and gave him a new shirt. He’d come back the next night, to pay for the damage he’d done to the bar. She told him not to be stupid and just warn her when he was in a bad mood and she’d throw him out on his ass. She’d made him laugh then and he’d warmed to her, she didn’t ask any questions, she just let him tell her why he’d done it. Over the weeks he became a regular there, always sat at the bar, sometimes wanting to talk other times not. When they’d lost Jean he’d been down a lot, leaving when the dawn came, just drinking till he couldn’t feel anymore. He’d spoken to Rosie about Jean but even she’d understood that it wasn’t the same feelings as the ones he’d had for Marie, there was something inside Marie he needed.
Jean was someone else’s and she always had been, even before he got there. He did it for annoyance value more than anything else in the end, he just hadn’t admitted it to himself. He loved to see Scott get his back up about him being near Jean, sniffing around her, making him realise how much he really loved her. Just by being there just by being annoying. Smiling he thought about the last time he’d seen them happy, they’d been in the office looking through adoption papers, Scott had adopted a couple of children whose parents had given them over to the school entirely. He’d given then his name ‘Summers’, he couldn’t be their real family but they could build one with the people there at the school. The kids could start again with a new name and a new place to live, even though he hated himself on one level for this but he admired that in him. He’d give them his name, a new chance to try life again.
Putting his glass in the small sink he switched off the light in the small room and went back to the room where Jubilee was sleeping sound for the first time in months. Settling back down his mind went back to the other day, when he’d seen Marie leaving for her trip. Knowing that she loved him and she’d be back soon. Drifting into sleep he felt the same brush of a hand through his mind as he had earlier that day and shrugged it away. Not knowing or caring who or what it was, only that he was tired and he was at Rosie’s, safe, warm and comfortable. If he couldn’t have one kind of comfort, he’d have the best replacement for it. Smiling he drifted off into his own private dreams of a cabin on the southern slope with no worries about soundproofing.
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Author's Chapter Notes:
Logan gets to keep his challenge with Jubilee and finds out that not everything was perfect while he was away. We get an insight on Logan's behaviour away from the mansion and we meet an old friend of his.