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Story Notes:
jenn--THIS, my friends, is what happens when you start speculating on how Logan would give Marie the 'birds and bees' talk. I blame Victoria completely.
Victoria--This just sort of happened on AIM last night. It's all jenn's fault. Thanks for making me spew water at my monitor. *g*
At the doctor's office...

*The waiting room is silent, filled with mothers and daughters. There comes through the wall--*

"Logan, you don't have to stay with me, really--"

"Shut up, kid. Listen, Doc, she needs birth control. Whadya got?"

*Long silence*

"Well, we have a variety of different methods of--"

"What's the best of the lot?"

"We have the oral contraceptives, the IUD, four time a year shots--"

"You like shots, kid?"

*Nervous giggling*

"Marie--Gordon? Perhaps you'd be so kind as to remove your clothes--"

*Growling is heard*

"Why the hell does she need to do that for?"

"Mr. Logan, to do a gynecological exam, I need to examine Marie's vagina. Perhaps you'd be more comfortable waiting outside--"

"Not on your life. Okay, Marie, strip down. Damn, those are handy things."

"What--oh, the stirrups." *Nervous laughter*

"What the HELL is that thing? You're sticking THAT in my little girl? What the FUCK are you on?"

"Mr. Logan, it's a pap smear--"

"Shit, that thing's big. Won't it hurt her?"

*Rhythmic sound of pounding, perhaps of a head applied to the wall*

"Logan, please leave!"

"With weapons like that? Shit no. Now what is THAT thing? WHAT THE HELL ARE YOU STICKING UP HER NOW?"

*Girl in waiting room goes pale*

"Mom, I don't want to go in there."

"It's not that bad, dear."

"Get the FUCK AWAY FROM HER, YOU FREAK! SHIT, ARE YOU TRYING TO EXAMINE HER OR IMPALE HER?"

"Mr. Logan, give that--dear GOD, WHAT ARE YOU DOING TO THE CULTURE?"

*Sounds of things breaking*

"Forget this shit, Marie. I'll take you to a doctor I know in Tijuana."


At the supermarket...

"Okay, the whole gynecologist thing didn't work out. So we're gonna get you some condoms, kid. Just in case."

*Marie blushing*

"Um, I don't, you know, it's not really necessary, Logan. Deadly skin - I don't think I'm going to be getting many offers to go steady."

"So there HAVE been offers you didn't tell me about?"

"I-uh... No. No! Of course not!" *Marie thinks fast* "Do girls count?"

*Logan blinks, then thinks*

"You need videotape?"

"Logan!"

"What? I'm just sayin'-- you know, you might want to have these things for posterity, is all. Memories and all that shit."

"Logan, I'll ignore that--umm, why are you staring at ribbed condoms so intently?"

"What? No reason."

"And that's the kind you like?"

"Well, if I have to, yeah. I mean, what guy doesn't prefer to go bareback --"

"Logan! Too much information!"

"Prof always said education was never wasted. Now, condoms. Pay attention. You know how to put these on?"

"Oh dear God--Logan, please don't open that pack--oh God. Logan--"

"We need produce. Lemme think--zucchini. Just a sec. Don't move."

"Logan, I don't think I could move if Magneto was standing beside me right now. You--oh God, you are. Where did you get that?"

"Produce aisle. Hold the vegetable like this... no, that'll hurt, nearer the base--"

"This isn't happening to me."

"There. Now, open the packet and carefully spread over the tip--"

"The cashier is looking at us."

*The produce manager follows after the strange hairy man who ran off with the zucchini*

"Yes, I nailed her once. Pay attention."

"Sir -- sir, please--"

*Logan growls. Produce manager backs off*

"Now you carefully stretch it back, let it rest--just like that. There you go. Safe sex."

"Exactly how many times have you used zucchini during foreplay?"

"Exactly how much do you really wanna know about my sex life?"

"Good point. So, uh, if I was to use this trick on say, Remy--"

"Stay away from the Cajun, Marie. He's trouble."

"What about St. John? I could go for him."

"Christ, kid, he's gay!"

"He is NOT!"

*Logan winks and nods*

"Yeah. Him and your little icicle friend -- they've got a little love nest down by the lake."

"Bobby wants *me*!"

"Baby, I don't think you have the right equipment to attract Bobby boy either."

"You mean the zucchini wouldn't work?"

"If you wanna buy a dildo, I know just the website."

"You're on the internet?"

"Best porn out there."

"Oh. Of course. I should have realized. So, anyway, Bobby wants me."

"We can conduct a little experiment if you want, Rogue. To see if he wants me or you."

"*YOU* want Bobby?"

"Hell no. But I could have him if I did."

"You know, that dildo is sounding like a good idea about now."

*brief pause*

"Logan, do you own stock in Trojan or something? I haven't even met anyone yet, and you're buying half the store."

"Oh, uh, those are for me. But stock -- hey, there's an idea. I'm gonna call my broker."

"Ummm... Logan, I know you have a healing factor and all, but isn't five hundred just a little--excessive?"

*Logan shrugs*

"It's a three day weekend, you know." *glance at Marie's shocked expression* "You can always use 'em, Marie. It's best to stock up."


At the Mansion...

*Heard by a group of people pretending to be passers-by outside Logan's door*

"You're worried I'll be 'deflowered' by someone who is, in your words, a cretin. So you want to do it yourself because..."

"Well, yeah."

"So, this is like a learning thing?"

"All for you, baby. Part of the protection package. And you know, if you want to invite whatever girl's been hitting on you... I'm all right with that."

"Logan!"

*sigh*

"I'm going to be in therapy for years after this, you know. Have you ever--"

"Yeah."

*swallows*

"You don't even know what I was going to ask, Logan. Was zucchini involved?"

"Yeah to both, then." *Silence* "Hey, you've got to keep an open mind, kid."

"I think I need to lie down."

"That's a good way to start."

"In my own bed."

"Come on, Marie. Just get in bed." *thinks on Marie's statement* "Your roommates home?"

"I never thought you'd actually ask me to get in bed, Logan. This isn't exactly how I pictured it."

"Whadya have in mind?"

"Oh, maybe, flowers, some romantic music--"

*Logan snorts*

"There's that bench in the garden--"

"Okay, yeah, maybe that was a little much. But you know, romance of some kind. Maybe a, 'hey, I really like you.' Or 'you look beautiful in the moonlight.'"

"You got a nice rack and killer legs, Marie."

"That works. Okay, so I'm lying down. Now what?"

"You might try breathing normally. Relax, kid. You feel like you're the one with the metal skeleton."

"That's easy for you to say. You've done this hundreds of times! The last time I got up close and personal with a boy, he ended up in a coma!"

"Yeah, we're going to skip the comatose part of this one."

"That'd be good."

*Logan begins unbuttoning her shirt*

"So, uh, are you gonna kiss me, Logan? I think I'd like it if you kissed me."

*Staring at breasts. Rogue snaps her fingers*

"Up here, big fella."

*Logan continues to stare at Marie's breasts*

"Where you been hiding those?"

"Kiss, Logan--"

"Damn, that's at least a C cup. We gotta do something about your wardrobe--"

"On the lips, please."

*Shakes head quickly*

"Right, kiss. Gotcha. Okay."

*No sounds for a very long time*

"Wow."

*Soft purring of satisfaction*

"Is this the part where you get undressed?"

*Logan staring at breasts again*

"They're not going to get up and walk away, sugar."

"That's a freakin' weird image, Marie."

"Well, it got your attention, didn't it?"

*Kisses her again, to shut her up*

"Oh, my."

"Marie, baby, it's okay. Open your legs."

"I--"

"You're cutting off my circulation, darlin'. Please."

"I sort of know where we're going with, I watch TV after all--oh dear GOD, WHAT IS THAT THING?"

"It's uh, my zucchini."

"Your zucchini? Please don't tell me you have a nickname for it."

"Uh, me? No. No of course not! That's weak."

"You're lying. What do you call it?"

*Long pause*

"Bub."

"What was that, Logan? I didn't quite hear you."

"Bub."

"Little louder, sugar."

"BUB, all right? I call my johnson, 'BUB!' Happy now?!"

"You know this gives a whole new interpretation to all your cage fights, right?"

*Random people outside Logan's room keel over laughing*

"You hear something, baby?"

"Just the voice of my therapist when I explain why I am still a virgin at eighty."

"Nah, I'm gonna take care of you."

"That's what I'm afraid of."

"Okay, now, legs apart. Now."

"Sir! Yes sir! Wow, you're the last of the great romantics, aren't you?"

"Now condom--"

"Oh, let me. That zucchini lesson was plenty of practice."

*Sounds of grunting*

"Ow! I told you, down at the base!"

"Quitcher bitchin', Logan. You heal!"

"There are some parts you don't take chances with, baby."

*Marie rolls her eyes.*

"Okay, so this seems pretty self-explanatory."

"Uhhh, baby?"

"Yeah?"

"Again, legs APART."

"I was afraid you'd say that. Maybe I could be on top?"

"You'd still have to spread your legs at some point."

"See, did you have to put it like that? That's so ... unromantic."

*Logan sighs*

"You're beautiful, Marie. I just want to make you feel good. NOW can I fuck you?"

"Hmph. I guess... Okay, that's not your--zucchini, sugar."

"No, it's my hand."

"And I opened my legs for a cheap substitution?"

"Do you wanna do this or not?"

"I'm starting to wonder that myself -- oh! Oh, Logan!"

"Well? Answer the question."

"Yes. Please. Please, Logan."

"That's not very romantic."

"Oh Logan, you man beast, help me--GOD--find the pinnacle of my woman--YES!--hood!"

"Okay, fine. No orgasm for you."

"No, get that hand back in position."

"Uh-huh. Thought so."

"Cocky sonuvabitch."

"What was that?"

"Uh, I wanna be your bitch?"

"I'm the best at what I do--but what I do isn't very nice."

"No, this is spectacular. Ode worthy. DON'T YOU DARE STOP DOING THAT!"

*Panting*

"You've got to -- UH -- get a new tagline, 'cause -- Oh God!"

*More panting*

"Logan!"

"I'm not sure people'd be as impressed with 'I'm the best there is at what I do, and it's orgasms.'"

"The women would be."

*Slowing breath*

"Wow, that was--that was great."

"And yet again, the legs are closed."

"Oh, there's more?"

"The--zucchini..."

"Oh. Oh right. And you. You haven't, uh, do you need me to do something for you?"

"Open your legs."

"Are we back on that again?"

"Marie--helps if the legs are apart."

"See, I'm not so sure about this part now. That's not going to fit, Logan."

"I'll take care of you, darlin'."

"I'm not going to be able to walk tomorrow, am I?"

*Logan grins*

"Not if I have anything to say about it. Now, legs --apart."

"How about a blowjob?"

"Remember the part about being a superhealer?"

"In other words, delaying the inevitable?"

"I have five hundred condoms. I can wait you out."

"Oh, fine."

"Very good, Marie. God, you smell good."

"All right, that's just *weird.*"

"You'd be surprised how often I've heard that."

"Again, the too much information we discussed--oh. Well. It's working."

"God, Marie, you're so damn tight--"

"Trust me, I'm REALLY aware of the space issue."

"This is gonna be so good, baby. So good."

"For you, maybe."

"How's that? That better?"

"Surprisingly... good."

"There we go. Knees up, slide those legs around my waist--"

"I think, yeah, Logan, I think this might work out-- ow!"

*Logan stops*

"Sorry! Cramp!"

"Just, just move slow, Marie. I gotcha, kid. It's gonna be really good."

"I'm not comp--Oh YES!"

"There we go--uh, Marie, we shoulda gotten those heels off you--"

"Harder!"

"OUCH!"

"Stop being a baby and DO IT!"

"Fuck, Marie. YOU'RE IMPALING MY BACK!"

"Fine!" *She kicks the shoes off* "Now get back to work!"

"Romantic again?"

"Logan--"

"I can stay like this all night, Marie."

"You wouldn't."

"You wanna find out?"

"Oh, Logan. You're the best lover I've ever had."

*Growl*

"I'm the only lover you've ever had."

"Well, yeah, that too -- oh! God! Harder!"

"Yeah, baby. Come on Marie."

"Uh, uh, uh! Logan! Fuck me like a rabid bunny, sugar!"

*Pause*

"You've been watching Bobby's pornos, haven't you?"

"Um... no comment. Logan? Could you -- oh yeah, right there. Right *THERE*"

"Oh, baby, come on, you're so close...yes, baby, yes..."

"Oh God--yes, yes, YES YES OH GOD BUB YESSSSSSSS!"

"Grrr. Marie. Uh -- uh-- baby, MRRRRORRRW!"

"Ooh, I like the growling."

"I thought you might."

*Lengthy pause*

"Well, so that was sex."

"The main attraction, yeah. There's still lots of other stuff for you to learn."

"I can see why you spend so much time on it. Logan. Logan, where are you going?"

"Mmph. Gonna teach you about oral sex now."

"Does it involve the zucchini you bought?"

"We'll get to that."

"So, how long is this sex ed gonna take?"

"Whadya mean?"

"I mean, until I'm as good at it as you are?"

"Ten, fifteen, fifty years. Something like that."

"So we're going to have to do this a lot."

"Least a couple times a day."

"I can do that. I probably shouldn't be doing this with anyone else yet either, so I don't pick up any bad habits."

"Excellent idea."

"And you..."

"What?"

"I think you should devote all your time to teaching me. You know what they say -- small class size is the key to a good education."

"So how many people would be in this class you're proposing?"

"Just me."

"Hmm... sounds good to me."

"Now, you said something about oral sex...."
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