Still don't own anything, sad but true.
Title: HOPE
She can’t do this anymore, can’t continue to live like this. Something has to change and the change she is preparing herself for is far from what she wants. It’s not what she's dreamed of and if she’s honest with herself, even now this close to the end, still dreams of. But dreams are full of hope and hope is not reality, the line between the two seeming to widen with each passing day, she has prayed/hoped/wished to cross over that line but it was [is] not to be and for the sake of her sanity she is preparing to let it go. She’s already waited, putting off what she already knows will kill a part of her beyond any healing but at last courage finds her and she decides that there will never be a time when it will be any easier so she might as well just bite the bullet, get it over and done with, rip open her heart one last time and leave it behind.
Leave everything behind.
She knows this is gonna be the hardest thing she’s ever done but something has to change and she knows it’s down to her to make that happen. The outcome she already knows in advance and that should [and in a lot of situations probable would] make things easier but it doesn’t. If anything it makes it so much worse. Just the thought of it terrifies her but the alternative - well she’s already been living the alternative and it’s pushing her for the terrifying option.
She’s been packed and ready to go for more than a week, waiting for the right time to face the inevitable [the end.] The option of just leaving without a word she did think about, though not for long, some things are just not right and hard as it’s going to be, that would be one of them. She owes at least this much to him, [to her, to them.]
She has never walked such a short distance so slowly before and all of the way she is willing time to somehow stop and save her but she still finds herself there too quickly. She stands there and reminds herself of why she is here, you can’t hold on to someone who doesn’t want to be held and holding on hurts. She can’t do this anymore. Five words that have been repeated over and over again lately, thinking that maybe repetition would make her strong. She still feels weak, like she’s giving up but she wont [cant] back out now.
She stands in the doorway of his room and glances in to see him sat on his bed. She is glad for the small amount of distance but even so, fear rises within her and briefly she thinks she can‘t do it, but the pain is too constant to let her forget. What choice does she have left?
“Logan” it’s not a question, maybe a plea, for what she doesn’t know. This was never easy in her head but now it seems impossible, her words are muddled, her voice about as far from confident as it’s ever been but she continues anyway fearing that if she stops what little courage she had to begin with will leave. She tells him how grateful she is, for everything he is and everything he has done for her. She tells him of her need for more than life at the mansion can give her, this is the truth but only a partial one because in the same breath mostly it’s a lie, the mansion could give her everything if only it included him but she can’t tell him this. This she reminds herself is about her and how she can cope because she can’t do this anymore - it’s what she’s been telling herself for a while now but standing in front of him she wants nothing more than for the world to fall away leaving only him and her but this won’t happen, she knows this. Hope it would seem has not completely died.
She wishes it would.
She tells him he is a good man and tells him never to let anyone tell him any different - to never let himself think any different. This is important to her, the one thing she really needed to say and she’s glad she managed to say it so strongly because she hates that he struggles to see it himself. She is still the only one even after all this time that sees him, really sees him. She has never understood why, he shields himself, a natural inbuilt self preservation mechanism perhaps but if she can see through, why can no-one else? She tells him she hopes that one day he will find all the answers he needs, hopes he’ll find everything he wants because if anyone deserves it he does. She begs him to understand that what she has chosen to do is not a whim and she has thought it through. She takes a deep breath and finally tells him she can’t stay, she’s gonna be leaving soon.
She’s said it, not quite as well as she could, nothing like she had it planned out in her head, but it’s done and she should feel like a weight has been lifted.
She doesn’t.
If anything the weight is pulling her down, pulling her under. She’s drowning, but then again she was before, she only hopes that when she leaves, when she knows it’s been her choice, that she can learn to breathe.
Not long ago she thought there was a still a chance, it may have been a slim chance, maybe more of a ‘just in her head’ chance if all the not so discrete whispers were anything to go by but she was willing to take whatever she could and therefore, it remained a chance. It’s not enough anymore, things change. Doubt crept in and the pain of it all is too much. All she knows for certain now is that she just can’t stay.
When it’s late at night and she lies in her bed surrounded by silence, hope rears it ugly head with a vengeance and all the romance novels, slushy films and tear jerking songs come alive and her imagination never seems to want to let go. Her mind in these moments has a will of its own and creates images that haunt and taunt her. She thinks maybe this makes her a child though she feels anything but one, in fact she thinks she’s about as far removed from being a child as he is. Maybe these moments make her a woman, but it’s hard to feel like a woman when you’re a mutant with a so called ‘gift’ like hers contol or not, more than anything though and she laughs at the irony, she thinks they just make her human.
She wonders what she did in a previous life to end up like this in this one. Who did she wrong? Or should she should be grateful? Despite a few small hiccups along the way she has ended up in a wonderful home with wonderful people who don’t kick her out on to the streets because of the way she was born. She is young in body [if not in mind], she is safe [relatively speaking] and she has a purpose in life, even though she laughs at the thought she is a superhero. What more could she want? Everything she thinks.
She is not happy.
Far from it.
There is [was] something about him [about them] - no, she reminds herself, there is no them. That would be hope again. So there is something about him, what, she doesn’t know but whatever it is [was] it sparked something inside of her, only it’s no longer a spark but a raging inferno that’s out of control [out of her control]. Its consuming her, has been since the day she met him. She’s tried to douse the flames but nothing stops it.
Some would call it love.
She would call it love.
She hates that that’s what it is, that it *is* love.
She is cursed to love but never be loved. What kind of life is that? She has discovered that it isn’t much of one at all. It is the perfect scenario for the beginning of a fairytale only her version was abandoned and the happy ever after was never written.
She says a final thank you, tells him that she will never forget him [and no matter how much she thinks she would be better off if she could, she can not and will not wish that.] She tells him she will miss him, and at this point she nearly breaks.
She want’s to look anywhere other than at him but she’s always been drawn in by his eyes, the gateway to one’s soul so they say and not so long ago she truly believed that they were - that she could see right through to everything he felt.
She no longer trusts what she sees.
She wonders how he will feel when’s she’s gone, hopes [still] that somewhere inside he will feel even a tiny fraction of what she felt each time he left. This thought reminds her though, why she is here, not that she forgot but it hits home with violence, like a punch to the gut, she’s leaving and even though this time it will be her choice, she knows how it will feel and if anything she knows this time it will hit her harder. He is content to come and go feeling nothing, that’s him, but this is her and for her own sake she knows she can’t come back. It will cut deep but she needs a clean break. She knows that if he did miss her even just a little, at least it would mean he felt more than nothing, something, anything, but then again that would keep hope alive and kicking when she’s trying so hard to make it roll over and die.
She has read somewhere, she forgets where, that there is a legend in some parts of the world, a belief in other parts that Man and Woman were once joined as one being only to be separated - that from the point of separation they spend their entire lives searching for the other half of what was once themselves. She has found hers, of this she is positive which is why it is so hard to let go. Logic tells her that if she was right about this then he would feel the same way.
She has believed, wished and hoped, all to no avail.
It probably won’t be long before he leaves again. This time she just won’t be here to see it [feel it]. She will feel it on her own terms this time and will shed her tears alone with no-one giving her fake words of comfort and pretending to understand.
A crush, her description of one would be - a passing fantasy, one that in time will fade. It’s not one, despite what they all think. It has never faded, she knows without a shadow of doubt that it never will. Even if she goes a million miles away will it change a thing? Unfortunately she already knows the answer to that question and the answer is no. She knows it won’t really make any difference to the way she feels but she has to leave, has to try something else, her options were few to start with and this is the only one she feels she has left.
Feelings that fade - sometimes she wishes that they would - It would be easy then.
She tries to keep herself calm, collected, she doesn’t want him to see how it really is, how hard it is, how much it’s killing her. She’s fears she’s failing and pity is something she needs like a hole in the head right now. It hurts. It hurts to see him, hurts to leave him, hurts like hell to know that this is the end.
She spent many months on the road. She met many people. All sorts of people from all walks of life, some good, some not and some that fell somewhere in-between but then there was him. She looks at him and sees so much [feels so much.] They all have their assumptions about him and about her but they never seem to question those assumptions, never look beyond what they think they see to reveal the truth. People don’t fit in boxes, there’s too much depth. You just need to be willing to find it.
He’s looking right at her, his gaze piercing her own, she’s lost, dying, bleeding from scars that are nowhere to be seen, wants it to be over and in the same breath wants it never to end.
She needs him. Needs him to save her.
Some things never change.
“Why?”
There’s something about the way he asks that makes her think he really wants the truth, or is it hope again? she no longer trusts her judgment so maybe it’s just an automatic response requiring an automatic answer, what would be another lie and she’s sick of hiding, sick of half truths, wants to shout and scream what should be obvious from the rooftops but what would be the point? so she decides on the easy option - to compromise “I think you know why” and he must, even though lately she’s been hiding, [fading,] he must know what was there [is still there,] and no matter what she does will always be there.
“I need to hear you say it”
Punishment maybe, is that what this is? For what she doesn’t know, for leaving? It doesn’t make sense. Then again the way she’s feeling she not sure anything would. She’s dreaded the end, avoided it for so long, but it’s caught up with her now and its staring her right in the face, crushing her with every breath. She takes a moment but there is no escape, this *is* the end and she realizes she has nothing more to lose, she decides to end it with the only thing she has left - the truth. “Because I love you” and that’s the basics of it, she has no idea how to explain it better, doesn’t think he’d understand if she tried to.
“Wouldn’t that make you want to stay instead of leave?”
Yes it should, and it does [she did] but she has reached a point, that point where she can’t do it anymore. It was hard enough in the beginning, they say time eases all pain but they lie, it just gets harder. “It’s hard to be in love with someone who’s not in love with you” and she wonders if he’ll ever really know. Hard is not the right word, but she can’t think how to describe it any better. It’s painful to such a degree that there are no words.
“How do you know if they’re in love with you or not?”
Does she know? She thought she did, thought she saw what no-one would believe, was content with her own belief, for a while anyway. Maybe he’s trying to teach her a lesson, that she really is the little girl they all think she is, full of little girl fantasy’s, who knows? All she does know at this point is that she’s tired. “I used to think it was easy just to tell, but sometimes the mind plays cruel tricks on you and you can see and believe things that aren’t really there, sometimes you need to hear it, either way” Hope, she can’t seem to kill it off, not completely, never entirely, it’s always there no matter how hard she tries and it’s hope that makes her want him to answer and at the same time it’s hope that dreads what he will say.
It’s hope that keeps her waiting.
Hope that she knows will kill her. Hope that makes her add ‘or save her.’
“Stay”
Not the answer, not the right one anyway. She can’t. Can’t stay, can’t keep doing this. Can’t live like this, it hurts too much. She needs to kill her hope but it’s still there clinging on for dear life, refusing to let her go, pushing for answers, needing the truth “why?” she needs him to let her go, [make her stay.]
“Because I love you”
Hope - a full flash of it - I love you - she heard it, she’s almost sure she did [almost]. Her mind hits replay and she hears the same thing - I love you, I love you, I love you. She smiles, begins to beam, she can’t help it, can’t stop it. He loves her. She thinks nothing in the world can compare to how she feels at this moment in time. She is frozen, unable to move, trying desperately not to break the spell yet she can’t help but watch as he stands and her eyes drop from his to witness his hand reach out for hers, he breaks the spell and she feels herself moving into his arms.
“I love you”
This time she doesn’t question herself, she *knows* what she heard. Wow, such a stupid word she thinks but the only one that covers everything she’s feeling. It’s everything she’s ever wanted. She’s rushing to the surface no longer drowning, finally she feels like she can breathe. So she does. “I love you too.”
“Stay”
Now she can answer. She wonders if she’s been able to hide herself more thoroughly than she thought - otherwise he wouldn’t need to ask, he has told her he loves her, so the question was [is] not would she stay but how could she not? Now it’s different, now there is no more guessing, no more lies.
“Stay with me”
All of a sudden it’s too much and she can feel the tears form behind her eyes before she lets go and finally lets them fall. “Always” she whispers but it was strong enough for him to hear because she hears and feels the words repeated back to her as he presses his lips to hers.
It’s the end, not the one she thought she’d get but the one that hope wouldn’t let her give up on, her [their] beginning.
The Wolverine & Rogue Fanfiction Archive
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Story Notes:
Writen for Shadowlady who requested this companion x
To those of you who have not read 'Truth' go do so now, I have tried to make them separate and not reliant on each other but I have no idea If I succeded!
To those of you who have not read 'Truth' go do so now, I have tried to make them separate and not reliant on each other but I have no idea If I succeded!
Author's Chapter Notes:
'Truth' has become my fav story that I've written, loved how it turned out, so much so that I don't think I'll ever be entirely happy with this one but I decided to post anyway!
Let me know what you think x
Let me know what you think x