He left. I know, I know, it's been awhile now since he left. Sheesh, almost three years now, but I'm just telling you, he left. That's all. I'm still here though, and I like it. I don't have to worry much about other people. They either leave me alone, or are my friends, it's their choice really. He wouldn't have left me alone if he was here right now, but then again, who knows. All I know is that I am tired of this paperwork and I want to go do something. Maybe I'll hit the danger room before I go to bed. Yeah, that sounds good. Beat up some holographic idiots who don't know when to quit. That sounds perfect right now. Forget these tests, I'll grade 'em later.
The danger room is used for practice and training, but I often use it when I'm bored or just wanna forget that anything else exists. The problem with that theory is that when I do that, I can never forget that there is anything else, he's always there, in my mind. Always reminding me of his promise to return, and the hardest thing is that he kept it. The promise I mean.
He came back, did I forget to tell you that? Well, he came back, about a week ago. Just like that. No one knew he was coming, except the professor of course, but he just came strolling on in his Logan kinda way. I've only seen him twice since he returned, and only talked to him once. He said he was happy to see me. What is that supposed to mean? I told him I was glad he was back. What was I thinking? Then he asked me about school. I don't know why. And I told him I'd graduated top of my class nearly two years earlier. I took some college classes, and then became a teacher and an X-men here. He growled when I told him I was an X-men. Maybe he still feels protective of me.
I'm going to escape the real world this time. I'm going to beat those stupid holograms real good today. I have to get him out of my head, have to stop the thinking. I am going to make it work this time. I mean it, I am.
It's really pretty easy to beat these programs up on the first levels. You gotta work your way up to the tougher ones before you even break a sweat really. Some of the others think it's harder, but I haven't had a problem with any of it since I got these handy extra powers 6 months after he left. Yeah, after he left, and he didn't come back when I wanted him to. Not that he knew I wanted him to, cuz I never wrote or called even though Charles knew where he was the whole time. But he wasn't there.
I killed the woman and I nearly went mad. Yeah, sounds like fun huh? Oh trust me, it was. Having a sick woman who's been around the block a couple of times and killed her own share of humans and mutants alike up in your head tryin' to take over. Real fun. The only reason I survived really is cuz of Charles and Ororo. They're really pretty cool. They'd cared at least.
Okay, this program is too easy, I'm changing the level. It's not working though, the thoughts just come more and more. The danger room isn't helping. Shoulda known.
My mind plays the scenes over and over again for me to watch. It's a bad movie I can't turn off. A real annoying one too. All of the times I coulda done somethin' to change what my life is now. All the things I coulda done, can do, and might be able to do, but it's all the stuff I know I'll never do. The stuff I want to throw away cuz it just makes me go more crazy.
What if I had followed him that day he left three years ago? What if I had called him or written him? What if I had figured out how I felt earlier? What if I had told him the first time I saw him when he got back? What if I ran away? What if I went to find him right now? What if I was to talk to him today? What if I was to tell him how I feel? What if I was to break down and let him in?
Would any of that change how things are? Would it change how things will be? Will they make any difference at all? Can I change how he feels? Show him that I can be more than a sister to him? Would he ever love me like I want him to? Or am I really in a world I cannot change? Damn. Why does it have to be so freakin' confusing. I just wanna punch these holograms' heads in for not helping me. The show continues folks as I quit the program in favor of a stroll outside for some fresh air. Maybe I'll go flying for a little while tonight.
I came back. Yeah, me big tough Wolverine. I came back. To these geeks, to this place, to her. I am such a wuss. I didn't find a damn thing in Canada. Not that I expected to, but what I would give to know who did what they did to me. They wouldn't like what I'd give to them, that's for sure, they might not live to see what happens in the futures of mutants and humans.
Anyway, I came back. Chuck knew I was comin'. Had my old room all set up again and all. I didn't care really. I'd been sleepin' in shit hole hotels for the last three years. I guess old One Eye and Jean had gotten married. They're good together, but man, he is lucky. He's got the girl he wants. With me, I just got the girls who want something from me, something I can give too easily. No, I don't want any of them, and they don't really want me. The only one I want told me she was glad I was back and gave me my tags back.
She gave 'em back. I wanted to tell her she could keep them. I really did. But it's me here people. I'm not exactly the world's most articulate person. So I just took them when she handed them to me and walked off. That was not what I had come back for. Not nearly.
Well, it's too hot inside. How do they get it to be so damn hot in there all the time? I got used to worn out, beat up heaters, and now, here I am bein' toasted inside that mansion. 'Sides, Xavier has this crummy rule about no smoking inside, so guess where I end up more often than not. I may not like how things are inside, but outside I can pretend they're different, can't I? It don't matter, cuz I can't ever really pretend anyway. It's still to real out here. Damn lighter, why don't you just light the cigar for once. There. Thank you. Finally.
I don't know what's freakin' wrong with me. I want something, but I'm too much of a damn pansy to go and get it. I've never been shy to find a woman, but with her, I don't just want her. It's somethin' else too. I haven't ever felt it like this before, not in any past life either. But I am not gonna just go off and tell the girl. Damn, she's not a girl any more either. Doesn't that just make for perfection now.
I can't stay out here only to find myself lost in her beautiful eyes I have to imagine. I gotta go inside. Maybe I'll get stuck in another nightmare. That'd be better than feeling so lost without her standing beside me, in my arms.
But as I walk back to the mansion, my mind races again, just as it does every time I don't want it to. The thoughts come pouring in again, and I am frozen in time by them.
What if I had stayed way back after Mango or whatever that old creeps name was? What if I had called her when I was gone? What if I had come back sooner? What if I told her what I wanted? How I felt? What if I had let her keep my tags? What if I could make her smile and laugh? What if I found her right now and told her what I feel? What if I was anybody but me and could figure out what to say?
Would it change our situation? Would it make any difference? Would she smile and tell me what I want to hear? Or would she ignore me? And tear me up inside in her innocent way? Is it worth the risk? Is any of it worth the risk I'd have to take?
It doesn't matter now, cuz she's standing in front of me. Just kinda outta the blue. She just realized it too. And now we're standing here in front of each other and I know I have to run. Maybe never come back. Cuz she doesn't say anything. She is just staring at me with a hint of something in her eyes. Something I've never seen, except for when I left her on the foyer three years ago.
I don't know what to say to him. My heart is just gonna jump up and outta my body if I don't hurry up and do something though. All the questions have led up to this. Somehow I can tell. Something is gonna change. I'm not sure I wanna know what, or how. I can't risk my heart. It's frozen over. Has been for years now. No one ever gets in too far. Except him. He's been gone for years, and he's still in my heart. I can't figure it out, but he's there, and he doesn't know it.
Something in his eyes change and his breathing isn't regular. He just stands there staring at me, like I'm staring at him. Suddenly it's like seeing my feelings being mirrored back at me. That just ain't possible. To him, I'm a little sister, ain't I?
I can tell she sees something different in me. Something I hadn't meant to let her see. Maybe she'll just let me go without ever sayin' a word about it. Somehow I doubt it though. I wish she would, yet I want her to say something, I need her to, anything at all really. And she does.
"Logan..." Simply my name on her lips. Nothing more. But isn't it what I asked for? Her to say something. And now she has. Is it my turn? Damn idiot, of course it's your turn. Look at the way she's lookin' at you. Can you not see it?
She wants me, more than anything, in a way I can't describe. All I can say is that it's exactly what I feel and taking a chance may be all I need to do. I can take a chance. We both see that the circumstances are clear and set. The neither needs to be afraid, but yet we hesitate. It's been so long since we let anyone in. It's not just a matter of knowing whether or not the person will accept what we have to offer, but whether we can do it or not. I can. I have to.
He's holding me close now. He's so close. I can feel him and I can hear him. The words he is saying to me. Never, never thought I'd hear them, from anyone. Much less him. He wraps his strong arms around me and pulls me tightly against him and I love it. He tells me everything right then. In that moment I know that it'll be okay. And that I don't have to go to the danger room for an escape anymore. I don't need an escape because of his actions, and his words. Because he just told me all I ever want to hear from him. He told me he loves me.
I told her. It came out and I wasn't ashamed. She knows. She has to know I mean it. I tell her so. I tell it's true and that I always will love her.
She's crying against my well-covered shoulder and I just hold her even tighter. She's letting down her wall. Her act she puts on for everyone else. She's letting me in. And she says it. The only I have wanted to hear for three years. The thing I was to scared to admit to her until just now. She said she loves me. And that's all I needed to know.
So we stand there. Arms wrapped around each other, crying and talking. I told you I'm a pansy, but damn, what do I care. Marie loves me, and I am gonna be sure she knows that I love her. Always.
The Wolverine & Rogue Fanfiction Archive
Barely Legal Since 2000
Story Notes:
Shipper friendly, barely any plot. Rogue and Logan POV's.