I didn't return to the school until late at night when everyone else was already asleep.
I wasn't sure where to go, as my room wasn't exactly in any condition to be slept in right now.
Professor X had finally given in a few weeks ago and let me have a room on my own. Being in a room with a bunch of other girls when one move in my sleep, which lead to one accidental touch of my skin, could hurt them didn't exactly provide me with a good night's rest.
I had moved in right after returning from the Statue of Liberty and that had been the most perfect timing.
Because ever since I had touched Magneto that night, his presence in my head had just about killed me. Not only did he give me unbearable nightmares that had me waking up screaming multiple times every night, but he also took control of my actions every now and then.
He didn't do it the way Logan sometimes did...telling me he wanted me to do something (like he had before, in the Med Lab), get all grumpy and growly when I didn't and then just make me do it.
Magneto was sneakier than that.
He would be quiet all day long and the suddenly wrap himself all the way around my mind, taking away all the control I had. Most of the time, he did it while I was asleep, which had me scared of going to be every night.
It had started with random things. Magneto would make me empty my drawers and throw my clothes around my room. I would wake up in the morning and think I was losing my mind because I didn't remember doing any of it.
It progressed to taking kitchen knives to my room and even to stealing a gun. I didn't remember where it came from and didn't dare to ask anyone about it.
All of that was harmless compared to his most recent activities though.
I had snapped out of a trance standing beside Jean's bed with a knife in my hand.
I had found myself in the Professor's room with that gun in my purse.
He never actually made me do anything, this was just his way of showing me that he could.
He was still working his way up to actually making me seriously harm or kill anyone and I was terrified of the day he actually would.
I was too ashamed and scared to ask the Professor for help.
In fact, I tried to keep away from people as much as possible because I was so afraid of hurting them. Of course that didn't help, because my mind was completely blank whenever Magneto took over.
I couldn't control myself at all and even locking myself in my room at night did nothing to keep him from making me get up and go out to collect weapons or almost attack the members of the X-Team.
So I had made a decision.
In order to protect my friends and to ensure the further existence of the X-Men, I had to put an end to this. I had considered simply going away, but Magneto would always be able to make me go back. Or harm other innocent people.
I was a weapon in his hand and the only possibility I had to make sure he didn't use that weapon was to take it away from him. To take myself away.
It had taken me forever to come up with a good plan to make my death look like an accident. Eventually I had decided on setting my room on fire and jumping out the window.
It was random and painful and took a lot of courage but I had gone through with it. Spilled gasoline all over myself and the furniture, dropped a match and then I had launched myself through the window.
A perfect plan, but it hadn't worked. Because I hadn't considered the lengths that the others would go to to save me. Hadn't expected they cared so much...
I wandered around the dark and quiet halls aimlessly.
So my plan had gone wrong. And I was able to touch again.
I wasn't ready to feel anything at all just yet, so none of these two facts did much to stir up emotions. It just didn't mean anything anymore...I was still a danger to everyone at the Mansion and I would soon be getting ready for another night of Magneto's nightmares. That was my life now.
School and friends and Logan...yes, all that was still there, but it meant little compared to the horrors I faced every night.
So what did I care whether I could touch people or not? What did it matter when I was nothing but the most dangerous weapon at Magneto's disposal? I had no power over anything left, not even over ending my life.
I didn't have any pajamas to change into left and I didn't have a bed to sleep in anymore. I didn't want to go back to my room and look at what was left of my stuff; it would hurt too much. And I didn't really feel like going to sleep after all. I wouldn't be getting much rest anyway.
This was just pathetic. I had to seem like someone who was completely crazy, standing in the hall and laughing at myself.
I couldn't do anything properly, not even kill myself. Trying hadn't helped me at all; the only result was that I had no clothes, no room and no more hope.
My dry laugh soon turned into sobs and I let my tired body drop to the floor, leaning against the cold stone wall, covering my face in my hands.
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