::Can you see her? Can you feel her? She’s ours, but you’re the one she truly wants, the one she loves. She’s completely forgotten about me, or maybe not, maybe she remembers and that’s why she’s scared right now. She knows what we are. But she can’t have one of us without the other… ::
I never could imagine I’d ever see fear in her eyes, fear of me. But there it is, blatantly staring back at me and I know I won’t be able to take her, even if I ache to. With these thoughts assaulting my confused brain, I withdraw from her without preamble, disgusted with myself and the whole situation.
I love her, God knows I do, but if she can’t accept me completely, then I can’t force her to be with me, not that way, when she’s afraid of this darker side of me. I hear her whimper at the loss of me, but she seems to recover rapidly as her heartbeats slow down significantly.
I’ve never felt anything like this before, so completely lost and alone, when she’s just beneath me, her arms wrapped tightly about my shoulders; nothing ever hurt like this rejection.
That’s what it is…she’s rejecting me somehow, and I never thought it could ever be possible; not with her.
“Logan…” She murmurs, obviously concerned by my attitude.
“What’s wrong?”
“Nothing. I’m gonna go check on James.”
And with that I roll onto my back beside her, basking only for a few seconds in the feel of her next to me, close my eyes, forcing back the tears stinging my eyes. A sigh and I stand up, grabbing my abandoned pair of jeans and shirt from the carpeted floor. I don’t even have the strength to look at her now, but her scent tells me that she’s confused, at the very least and still a little bit scared. But to her credit, she puts on a brave face and tries to get me to talk to her. Once again, I assure her that I’m okay, lying shamelessly.
****
I walk the few steps to James’ room and seek his dormant form in the small crib. He’s sleeping peacefully, oblivious of the rest of the world.
Sometimes I just can’t believe he’s mine, my very flesh and blood and everything that means, mutation and all. I do my best to resist the urge to take him right about now and run as far away from Marie as possible, ridding her of the two of us…make it three with my dual personality. No doubt that she’d be better off without us to hurt her, scare her or God knows what. I know I could if I wanted, grab a bag and pack it to the brim with all I possess and my bundle of pain on my arm, Take my truck and drive until I don’t know where I am.
But I can’t… As wrong as it can be for me to say something like that, James needs his mom *and* dad. So that means, I’ll stick around for the next eighteen or so years, or as long as him and Marie will need my support. Don’t get me wrong, I really want to be involved in all ways possible in James’ life, but it’s up to Marie to let me or not. Damnit, I’d do about anything and everything she ever asks from me, as long as she lets me be close, in their lives. I’ll make them happy or die trying!
I don’t know how much time I spend there kneeling next to my son’s bed, but at a certain point, I hear soft footfalls getting closer and then a warm comforter carefully deposited on my shoulders.
“Logan, are you alright?” Marie says, her voice deep and rich…mature and feminine.
“Yeah… He’s so peaceful right now.”
“I know, a real little angel.” She adds a little more playfully.
“An angel… Marie, listen, we don’t have to go…”
She doesn’t let me finish what I want to say, and quickly adds that she’s sorry.
“Sorry? For what?” I retort tiredly.
“I… I think I overreacted when…you know.”
“No, you didn’t, but it’s okay. You were scared, and you still are.”
“Logan, I’d never be afraid of you, you’d never hurt me!”
“Yeah?”
I bet that went out all wrong if her scent now is any indication. She’s still behind me, hands resting lightly on my shoulders, shaking ever so slightly.
“Logan…It’s…Oh God, it’s not you I’m afraid of, you know it, I know it, but it’s just…”
“You just don’t get it yet, do you?” I’m good and frustrated now, I need her to understand what the deal is if she wants *me*, like she so claims.
“I’m *him*, he’s *me*, Marie! We’re as one and undivided as they come, don’t you understand? Half man, half beast, Marie! You can’t have me without having him in the bargain too, Damnit!”
By the time I finish my soliloquy, I know that my voice has risen several decibels, and to her credit Marie doesn’t back down, heedless of her fear permeating the air around us.
“Logan… you don’t understand what it is to wake up to a life you don’t remember anything about. You don’t know what it is to wake up one morning and have to deal with a baby and…”
Her voice breaks and I know that she’s fighting hard to keep the tears at bay right now, but she goes on, grabbing my shoulders hard enough to force my body towards her. A scream match has begun right next to our son’s crib, but he’s still sleeping soundly…rather impressive if you ask me, but let’s go back to the matter at hand.
“Logan, I need…”
“Time…”
“You can’t just ask me to go back to what we had when all I can remember is the kiss we shared when you told me about us…Logan, you can’t ask me to pretend everything is okay!”
She’s crying now…my sweet, beautiful Marie, my mate. And I just can’t help but stare wide-eyed as she throws herself to my neck, sobbing like there was no tomorrow.
“I know, Marie. Shhh…” I try to soothe her to the best of my abilities.
“I do know what it is like to wake up with a blank mind, and I can only imagine that’s even harder for someone…”
I can hardly finish this sentence. No matter what we went through, she’s still awfully young and vulnerable. A teenager, a young mother and one who went through complete hell despite her young years. Talk about a start in life… And I was right about to take her, again, without protection, against the rules the Professor had set between us –although I don’t know if they’re still effective now that he gave the ‘go’ to tell Marie about us- taking the risk of another unplanned pregnancy.
Goddamnit, what am I, the biggest moron on this side of the universe? Of the two of us, I should have thought about it in the first place; protect her. But I was so eager to have her again, so blinded by my lust and need for her. I need her so much it hurts!
“Someone?”
Marie’s voice brings me back to the here and now. I delicately caress her face, silently promising her body that I’ll never force it through anything anymore, swearing to preserve its integrity from here on out.
“Someone that young…” My voice is just above a whisper now. I close my eyes, sweeping butterfly kisses on her cheeks and her eyes, tasting her warm tears.
“Baby listen, listen to me… look at me Marie. We don’t have to do it baby. We don’t have to be together this way.” I blurt out in a rush, the words afraid of their own monstrosity. I tilt her head slightly, letting her meet my gaze, letting her know I’m dead serious about it all.
“Logan…”
“Shhh… Baby, listen to me, I didn’t do right by you before. And yeah, I admit I’ve been the kind of selfish bastard that only deserves to rot in hell for the next millennium and more for all the things I’ve put you through, but Marie I can change things now, I can make them right. But right doesn’t mean I have to force you into a relationship with me for the sake of our son. I want to do what is good for you and our baby, even if…”
“Logan, what are you trying to say?” She cuts me short, obviously upset by the new outcome. “You’re not forcing me into anything!”
“Baby, kid, listen…You may not realize what I’m doing to you now, but somehow you know I’m right. You said it not longer than a few minutes ago. You need time, time by yourself to grow up, to know what you want in life; time to know if you want me. And when you’re ready, if you ever want me, I’ll be right there darling. “
“Time Logan, is just a figure…”
“Yeah, but a figure that can change everything, darling. And I should have known better, baby… I’m so sorry.”
“Logan, oh God, I love you so much. I’m so sorry, Logan.”
“We love you too, Marie, but we’ll both step back and let you take the time you need to make a choice, take your own decisions.”
“Are you telling me that you’re leaving?”
“No, love. You’ll have to put up with me somehow, because I’m here for the long run, as long as you two want me around, you and James. Just don’t hope to get rid of me anytime soon, though.”
I smile against her face, hands fisted in her silky hair, her lashes still wet from her tears, fluttering against mine.
“And I *want* you around mister. I’m so…just so confused about everything is all. Wolverine is still very new to me and I just don’t know…”
“Yeah, I know.”
“It’s just that…When I touched you, when James projected images from your past, I saw…I saw everything. He’s suffered so much, there’s so much hate and hurt in him that he seems about to lose control and lash out at everything.”
“I know…To be completely honest, I understand your fear of him. I even feared him myself, I’m still not completely at ease with what he is, but he’s a part of me; he’s me.”
“I just hope that I’ll be able to know him better along the way, understand and one day even...I’m sorry Logan, I truly am. I know how it might sound, but it’s how I feel.”
And it hurts even more to hear it, but it’s okay. It’s right…somehow.
__________________________________________________________
“It’s okay…”
Three words, and I know how what I’ve just said must have hurt both the man and the beast. I see it in the desperate eyes of my once lover. Eyes like his must have seen a thousand lives…all those shadows, this pain are too much for one soul.
I went out after Logan hoping to comfort him and bring him back to bed, but after this talk I must admit that it would have been a mistake to do so. I’m not ready… My mind is not ready, even if my body literally burns for him. The very reason why we had a baby together is because none of us was able to see beyond our need for each other at the time.
Even if technically Logan is older than me and therefore said ‘responsible’, we are both intelligent beings, adults and whether we admit it or not, we played our cards wrong. I don’t regret having a baby with him, but it’s just… There are so many things I need to learn not only about this man I claim to love, but about myself and life in general. I don’t know where I want to be ten years from now. I don’t know in what kind of job I picture myself, what kind of education I want for my baby boy, or where I want to settle down. I don’t even know if I want to college, get married…
I believe being with someone like Logan demands this kind of life wisdom, knowledge of the soul, in order to fully appreciate what he is deep down inside, accept him the way he is and be an equal, a support to face the events of this ephemeral dream we call life. And what Logan is doing now is the best proof of love I’ve ever witnessed, and I know how hard it must be for him to allow the words to come out, albeit a little clumsily, but the love there is all the more palpable.
“Thank you Logan.”
“Don’t… There’s nothing to be grateful for. I promised to take care of you what seems a lifetime ago, so this is a way I guess to stick to my word.”
It’s the middle of the night and we’re both leaning against the crib, bathed in the yellow light coming from the adjoining room. I steal a look at our son who’s fast asleep unaware of his parents’ weird words of love. He’s so beautiful, it takes my breath away every time, just like when I look at his father. Same hair, same eyes, carnation, everything…so much that one could wonder if I’m also part of the equation.
This moment is perfect; the three of us like that…it’s all there is right now. Maybe it’s time for me to concentrate on the moment, stop worrying over what can’t be helped anyway; think about the future, what can be changed, for me and my baby, our baby.
“So, it means I’ll have to cope with your taste for flannel for a while?” I try playfully, face buried in Logan’s chest, hands around his neck, holding on for dear life.
“What, you don’t like’em? Now that’s some shock darling!” he answers mockingly, and I can feel his lips curve in a smile against my hair.
“If you stay these God awful things will have to go, mister! It’s a civilized zone here, not some shack in the middle of the Canadian wilderness.”
“You serious?”
“You bet!”
“I have nothing else to wear! What, you want me to wander the school grounds shirtless?”
“Not that I’d ever complain…”
“Marie…” Logan adds leaning a little closer, halfheartedly growling a warning at me, which only make me giggle like a teenager.
I’m a teenager… Somehow, I’ve never truly realized what my relationship with Logan looks like. How immoral it must seem to look at a man having a baby with a girl at least half his own age, and not only that…He’s my teacher – well not any more- and mentor in many aspects, protector also. We’re part of a school that could be closed if people from outside caught wind of what happened within its walls. If it wasn’t for the fact that this is a place for mutants, I’m sure that the social services would already have taken the matter in their own hands. We’re incredibly lucky to still be able to be together.
But yet I know that the Professor and Logan himself must be sitting on barrels of gunpowder ready for the 4th of July.
When I think we were about to fuck each other senseless not an hour ago…What were we thinking? We weren’t thinking, that’s why!
There’s one thing I’m dying to know right now. I know it might sound silly but the thought occurred to me a few moments earlier when I looked up to Logan’s eyes. He doesn’t look a day older than thirty-five years old, but still… the depth barely hidden in them speaks volume about what his life must have been like…well I know for the experiments and all, the loss of his memory, his quest these past fifteen years; but still...
“Logan?”
“Yeah?”
“Tell me something?”
“Anything you want baby.”
“How…You know how old you are?”
The silence suddenly filling the space between us is enough to chill me to the bone. That was the wrong thing to ask…Okay, cover up? Think, Rogue! Think!!
Silence… And never ever before my mind has been this quiet, I swear I’m gonna scream if I don’t come up with something! Buy time? Okay, good idea!
“You, know, you don’t have to…”
“A hundred and fifty…at the very least.” Is Logan’s toneless answer.
Oh.My.God…!! Is he…? He can’t be serious! Nobody lives that long without being a knot of wrinkles, or just being dead for that matter!
Oh, fuck…! I mean…fuck!! He could be the Professor’s great great-grandfather, and my… This is *not* possible!
The sudden tenseness in my almost lover’s back and shoulders warns me of the mask of disbelief that my face must be right now.
“The Professor had me have those tests, consisting of an evaluation of bone narrow and joints and ligaments, all the things that keep my metal frame standing. He made a good use of my teeth too, piercing holes in them and studying the different layers. They had to use C-14 when the normal tests gave nothing, which meant only one thing: I was born before 1950. It was annoying as hell, and the results are not very precise, but they’re as accurate as they can be in my case.”
C-14? The stuff to age dinosaurs’ bones? Holy cow! I’m gonna faint...I’m fainting… No! Stay put, Rogue!!! He needs you now, don’t go teenage drama trauma; it’s the worst moment to show that you’re starting to lose it.
Focus, you can do it now, can’t you? Breathe, deep, regular intakes of air. Right, good, see? Now go back there and be *there* for him, Damnit!
“The Professor thinks I was born around mid 19th century, and according to what you saw in your nightmares when you were pregnant, it’s most likely true. He said 1945, but if I was in the Civil War, then it might even be a little earlier, 1840 maybe.”
He said Civil War, like in the American Civil War? Okay, I need a beer, now!
“You said that I saw your nightmares during my pregnancy, what makes you think they’re true? It could have been…”
“Because my nightmares aren’t nightmares, darling, they’re good old memories my brain can’t deal with when I’m awake.”
“But how come *I* was able to see…”
Wait a minute, James’ mutation…plus my mutation…it all makes sense somehow. Oh Lord…
“Yeah, exactly.”
Was I voicing this little apparte?
“I’m… I’m sorry Logan.”
“Why, because you got the world’s oldest cookie at your feet, baby girl?”
Okay, he should be pissed by my stupid reactions and hanging jaw, put he’s almost playful.
“I mean…”
“You wanted to know, I just found it fair to tell you the truth, so that you knew what you were in for. I’ve been ashamed of what I was for a damn long time, but since James is here with us, I feel the urge to make peace with my own nature, all that I am, and it includes my fragmented past.”
I must admit I didn’t expect such a response from a man I still saw plagued by pain and hurt.
“You must have seen so many things Logan… That’s why I said I was sorry. That and the fact that I made a complete fool out of myself looking at you like you were growing a second head, jaw hitting the floor and everything, when you were telling me something really important.”
“Why, you were at your cutest, darling! I really liked the saucer-sized eyes, I promise…”
“Oh, you…!” I add slapping his thickly muscled arm.
“Time to turn in?”
“Yeah…” I reply, stifling a yawn.
I make it to go back to Logan’s adjoining room, but he stops me, grabbing my arm lightly.
“Maybe you should sleep here now, with James.”
I can’t hide my disappointment for long, but I know he’s right.
“Yeah… I know. But if you ever have nightmares don’t hesitate, y’hear? I wanna be there for you too.”
Logan smiles a million-watt smile that warms me to the core; God, that man is handsome. He doesn’t answer, but hugs me for all he’s worth, inhaling me at the same time, willing my scent to be his only talisman. And then, he slightly parts away, hooking a finger under my chin, locking a golden gaze on mine…Wolverine.
His gesture is so tender, so gentle that it takes me aback completely. All I can see is those eyes coming impossibly closer until I feel soft lips brushing against mine, warm breath mingling with mine, giving not demanding.
Wolverine parts once again, bringing my hand to his lips and giving it the barest lick, and then flashes me a fanged cat-like grin.
One man, two personalities… I’m in for real bumpy ride. But I’d lie through my teeth if I said I wasn’t all the more excited, thrilled at the very thought of it.
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Author's Chapter Notes:
There you go guys, chapter 10 is up, where we learn what it is to grow up...(winks)
Still own nothing but the same old laptop and some dirty thoughts... *g*
PS: ::...:: = Wolverine's thoughts
Enjoy!
Still own nothing but the same old laptop and some dirty thoughts... *g*
PS: ::...:: = Wolverine's thoughts
Enjoy!