Author's Chapter Notes:
Hey, I've been missing you guys!

Chapter 3 available!

//...//: marks the telepaths' thoughts.

Warning: very dark and disturbing emotions described (you can blame me for that), so all ye sensitive souls be warned!

Poor Jean... It's all I got to say...
Where am I? What’s this house?

This woman, I know her face, she’s beautiful, I feel so safe in her arms.
I can’t move, all I can do is look at her peaceful features. I love her; so much.


“James… I will call him James, like his father…”


James, who is James?


“Look at those eyes, have you ever seen anything like that?”

“He has your eyes, he looks like you, so much. Thank you my love.”


The voices left. It’s so cold now. I’m alone in a room and I’m afraid.

Gunshots.

**************

I arrive too late. Blood on my hands; they are so small. It hurts; the claws, they hurt like hell fire.


“What are you…?”

Her voice speaks to me, clouded with fear and sheer disgust. She hates me. I love her so much, and now she hates me.


It hurts. Please, forgive me…
She won’t ever; it’s clear in her eyes. I killed.

I killed and now, I run. That’s all I have left. I run not to see the animal I have become. Not to see her eyes filled with hatred and fear and disgust.

That’s when the pain began. That’s when it all began, a long way to hell.

Mother…

__________________________________________________________



The Xavier’s School for the Gifted. I’m bringing her back to a place she never ever should had left, not with someone like me.

The entrance gates are surprisingly opened, like waiting. The Professor’s voice reaches for me:

//Bring her in.//


No one to be found, it’s the middle of the night. Marie is in my arms, wrapped in a flannel cover and she’s so cold that anyone else who touches her now would think she’s dead; but I hear her heart beating slowly. She’s still with me.

The Professor’s waiting for me in the Med Lab with a strange expression on his face, far different from the scowl on it as I left his office months ago; is it pity?
He seems on the verge of tears as he sees me entering the metal walled room.

I lay Marie down on the examination table and without a word Xavier is by her side, settling his two hands next to her head; he doesn’t look at me, ignores my presence.
I watch him close his eyes and take that familiar attitude when he tries to reach out for some lost mind. He suddenly frowns, deep, and opens his mouth as to say something but nothing echoes. He seems to be suffering the unbearable, turning his head from left to right over and over again and then he lets go, sweat pearling on his forehead and hands shaking.

He wheels past away from me and says in a low whisper:
“I can only wish that we still can do something…”

I swallow the questions that pop up in my desperate mind; hard but they don’t leave me, it’s no use to speak anyway, not with Xavier.

“She seems to be trapped in a sort of nightmare and it seems that her mind plunged her in a coma in order to shield her from the mental pain she’s going through. That is your nightmare, Logan. You were everywhere in her mind, your face appeared in each thought. I’ve never felt so much pain in my whole life; and I…”


He hesitates. I want to know, how did this happen?


“What’s happening to her…?


“She’s in a very deep coma, Logan. And as long as I don’t know why she lost control over the foreign thoughts in her head, I don’t think I can bring her back. As much as I dislike the thought of it, you’ll eventually have to tell me everything that happened with her and since when she showed troubles in controlling your nightmares.”

“I’ll cooperate; I’ll tell you anything you want to hear.”

“Well, now that she’s here, she’s safe again. Do not approach this room unless you are told but stay alert, we still don’t know the gravity of the situation and she might need you by her side as much as she could lose even more control over your memories if she feels you too close.” The Professor makes a very long pause before adding, “How did this happen? I was sure she was safe from those painful things, I helped her building the walls…And now… What did you do to her?”



I suddenly feel the ground disappear under my feet, I fall and there’s nothing to catch me. I can’t suppress the urge to shout and beat and cut; anything not to feel the void digging inside my chest, where my heart fights for a beat.


“She...M…Rogue is pregnant…”


“Oh God…” is Xavier’s answer, eyes closed tight and jaws clenched.


******************

Time… is just a figure. That’s what she told me one day. Time is nothing.

So why do I feel the need to go back and change everything, every damn decision I made until now? Why do I feel the visceral need to ask whoever it is that has our lives in his hands for some more time; just a little more time, with her?


I’m alone now in the room they gave me, it’s cold and dark. I’m curled up on a bed that doesn’t hold the sweet scent of her skin; I’m alone for the very first time since I met her, listening to the silence all around me.
What can I do? I want to be with her; no, I need to be with her, by her side, no matter what happens or what they say.
I can’t breathe without her; I’m a dead soul in an unbreakable body.


I decide to go back to the Med Lab I never should have left.

The sounds of machines beeping in alarm make my heart rate speed up to an unbelievable rhythm. I see Jean running across the room, a blue haired creature standing next to Marie, calling her name desperately, pumping firmly her rib cage with his huge blue hands.

Her back arches to the ceiling, eyes open wide, gasping, searching with her hands. All monitors are showing red flat lines, I shout, reaching out for her, throwing the blue creature to one corner of the room, I cry, claws sliding out.


Marie’s looking at me, distress written all over her face and then her hand grabs my forearm with a strength I didn’t know she had.

I feel my muscles hurt under the pressure her fingers apply. And it starts; the deadly pull at everything that’s inside of me. She’s draining me with all her might. I’m disappearing in her.

But there’s something else. She’s giving me something, she pushes as much as she pulls; I feel it, it’s warm and soft and I want it to last forever.

No more pain.



Darkness...


__________________________________________________________



I saw him entering the room like a possessed man, claws out, eyes red and wild; ready to kill…or save.
I felt like I was going for good; I didn’t want to. I wanted to be with him again, feel his presence again.


What’s happening to me? His eyes are close to mine now; I remember them…


Mother.


His mother’s eyes. Was it a new nightmare?

It hurts so much, I’m so close, forgive me Logan, I’m begging you.


Images, smiles, tears, pain, faces and more hurt and pain and blood.

It all makes sense now.
They are not nightmares, they are your memories; all of them and I’m living them with the same intensity as you; it's new.

You died, so many times; your heart and body were reaped apart in the worst ways.
They all used you in one way or another.


No more pain. Now I know. I’ll shelter you. With one touch, I’ll shelter you from all of this.



“Rogue, NO!!”

__________________________________________________________



I hear the voices but it’s hard to open my eyes.
She touches me. If she holds a little longer, I know she’ll kill me.

Why? I deserve it anyway; I deserve to be unwanted, hated by her. But it’s not what I feel. Her touch is all about love and understanding, unconditional.


“I told you not to approach her!” the Professor’s voice, dark and laced with a now too familiar coldness, echoes in my head. I’m not dead, well my body isn’t anyway.


__________________________________________________________




“She touched him, Professor. If she hadn’t, she would be dead now; she had a heart attack.” Jean says almost screaming, her voice going skywards.

“What? Hank, it’s not…”

“Yes Charles, it is possible. A sudden rush of adrenaline in her blood when she woke up caused the heart to shock and answer the only way it can: constant acceleration, saturation and a fatal stop.”

“How is she now?”

“Stable but back to unconsciousness, well as what it seems.”

“I will see to that. Now let him out of here before something else happens.”

“Professor”, Jean’s voice, “I think he shouldn’t be moved, the healing process isn’t working as fast as it usually does. This time was severe… I suggest he just stayed here, I’ll keep an eye on him.”

“I can’t agree with that Jean and you know it better than anyone.”

“I know. Trust me.”

“…How did things end up to be what they are now, God, why?”

*******************

I hear everything they’re saying, they don’t know I’m here too.
What’s happening is none of Logan’s fault or mine. It just is.

The baby, I feel it draining me, drinking my life force, and it’s growing bigger every second, stronger than me.

I lost control when I first felt it. It was when Logan and I were on the road; I didn’t want to believe it first, but there truly was a life growing inside of me.
It is so strong; it’s always been, from the very first seconds.


Overwhelming.

The life that you put in me Logan, is overwhelming, and I’m going under, I don’t think I can survive this.

Forgive me love.

***********

They still are in the room, trying to figure out how to help me.

But how is Logan?

It didn’t work. I tried though, I tried my very best to convince him, but they wouldn’t let us.



“How do you explain the sudden loss of control over the memories, Hank do you have any theory?”

“I might need to run a few more tests but I’m pretty sure that the change in hormones rate in the body has had an influence on it. I could estimate the pregnancy at almost four months, but…”

“That’s impossible, they left less than two months ago!”

“I know, but remember that we have to take their mutations in consideration, and that certainly brings quite a lot of changes in the normal process. The child may have already manifested as a mutant.”

“We need to be sure if we want to help her. What about amniocentesis?”

“It would be too dangerous for the baby and we don’t know how Rogue’s body might react in case of a miscarriage.”

“Hank, we need to do something, anything to bring her back; I don’t know if her mind will be strong enough to face the assault of all of Logan’s memories. Even him had to mentaly shield himself from them. How could she…?”

“Charles, I’ll do everything I can to get her out of this mental hell she’s in, but I need time. According to what I could observe, time will soon be a thing we can no longer afford.”

“What do you mean?”

“Her body is like kept alive just enough to host the baby. I don’t know how it happened.”

“How much time, then?”

“I don’t know; a few more weeks or a month at most. We still could try to trigger labor but with so many variants in the equation, it might be lethal. The best would be to get her to wake up from her comatose state.”

“I’ll do my best, let us start now! Jean, I’ll need your help while Hank monitors Logan’s recovery. Are we ready?”

“Yes, Professor.”


*****************

They are entering my mind, the both of them.
I don’t want Jean in. She projects so much hostility that her mind feels like a sea urchin in mine.

The Professor projects something else. He’s worried and mad at Logan, like a father would be in fact. I’m surprised to discover those kinds of feelings in him. He’s been worried all the time we were gone. It’s so strong. I never felt any of his thoughts before, how come I can feel them so clearly now?



//Rogue, can you hear me?//


Yes, Professor. What’s going on?



//Thank God. It’s important Rogue, we need you to come back. Do you think you can?//



I guess, I don’t know. I’m afraid.



//We are here to help you if you need it. We’ll be there to guide you.//



I trust you. But Jean…



//What? Come my child, there’s no time to lose.//



Professor, what will happen to the baby? What if I can’t make it?



//Rogue, I know you can. I couldn’t reach you when you arrived a few hours ago and now we can talk. You can do it. We need you. The baby needs you.//



What about Logan. I’m sorry for what I did; it was so selfish. Is he okay?



//He will survive eventually, trust him for that. Now, take my hand.//



It hurts so much, Professor. The pain is everywhere. I just want it to end. Those nightmares, Logan’s memories, they all rage in my mind, I can’t control them; I’m scared. He'd suffer so much...I just wanted to protect him...Please Professor...don't hate him!



//We are here to help you control them again. Trust us.//



Jean?



//I’ll help you forget about it all, Rogue.//



//Jean? What are you doing?//



Jean? No! Don’t!



//You won’t remember any of those painful things, I swear, let me help you!//



//Jean!!//



NO!!!! Logan, help me!!



__________________________________________________________





Eight days have passed. Marie is still down there and I can’t see her. I was told that she woke up but they won’t let me see her. I don’t know what to do.

Maybe she tried to see me; maybe she even asked them for me. Why won’t they just let me see that she and the baby are okay?
God, it’s sheer torture.
I have to see her; I need to talk to the professor, now.


It’s morning and all the kids are in class now.
Strangely enough, nobody asked why I was back or where Marie was.
I have noticed that I am very carefully ignored by everyone, teachers and students alike, but I don’t care, I don’t fucking care about that.

The door to the Professor’s office is opened, Jean is with him, she looks strange and she really smells wrong. What the hell have been going on here during the past few days?

***************

“I’ve been waiting for you Logan. You took some time to come to me.”

“So you’ve been quietly waiting for me to make a move, see if I was worth seeing her?”

“Don’t get me wrong Logan, the matter *is* important.”

“What matter?”

“I think you should take a sit first.”

“Don’t give me that! I won’t fucking sit down whatever it is you got to tell me, now spit it!”

“As you wish. But I need to warn you that you won’t like what I have to tell you.”

“What happened? Is it ‘bout Rogue? What did you do to her?”

“She’s fine, and you will see her soon.”

“So what is it?”

“She forgot.”

“What she forgot?”

“Everything, Logan. She forgot everything that happened the past six months, and that includes her encounter with you; everything about you.”

******************

Oh God, no… Is that what they were planning to do? Erase her memories to keep her away from me? No, that’s not possible, She can’t have forgotten about us, never!



“what? It’s…”

“I’m sorry Logan…”

“What the hell did you do to her?”



My voice echoes in my throat in a painful saturated vibration; I’m shouting and I can’t control anything, nor the tears that are spilling out on my burning cheeks. Everything is red and I can feel the blades popping out from between my knuckles. I want to feel blood, now. I have never felt such a rage…



“Logan, please calm down…”


He’s afraid… It’s…damn good. I can taste his fear; it tastes divine. I can’t let go of him, they mustn’t see the beast, not now. I need to calm down...otherwise they'll never let me see her.


“What did you do to her, Chuck?”

“I didn’t do anything, Logan.”

“So you tell me that she just woke up and forgot everything ‘bout me just like that? You better not fool me old man.”


A strange voice echoes from the side of the room where Jean has been sitting all the time since I entered. It can’t be hers. I turn my face to take a better look at her, but that’s her, no doubt about it.


“I did it. She was suffering and her life was in danger. I did what was best.”


What the fuck…?


“You did what red?”

“I have locked her memories of you in the deepest side of her mind, where she can’t access them, consciously or not.”

“So you really have a death wish. Last time wasn’t enough for you? You needed to make sure no one would get in your fucking way?”

“Enough!”

“If that can be of any consolation to you Logan, she knows that she’s pregnant.”

“But you carefully erased the name of the father from her mind, didn’t you, you freakin’ bitch… I’ll make you pay for that, trust me about that…”

“Logan, please! Jean did what she thought was best and I have already told her everything I thought about her actions. Anyway, the most important thing there is to know is that Rogue is once again among us and fully awake. With your memories locked away from her, Hank has established a treatment that enables her to bear the baby in a much safer way.”

“What do you mean?”

“The baby was literally eating her alive. The tests run by Hank showed that it already manifested as a mutant. For instance, all we clearly know is that he grew faster than normal-at least three times faster-and that its blood attacked Rogues cells and system. With the treatment, the baby is now closer to the usual process, but there is still a risk for Rogue’s life.”


“A risk? Why don’t you just…you know… I won’t choose between her and an unborn child!”

“Because she asked for it. She wants to bear this child until delivery; and I respect her choice.”

“What are you telling me? She’s carrying a child that could possibly kill her; the child of a man she can’t even remember? Why didn’t you just take your chance to also empty her body from my filthy offspring while you were at it, uh? T’would‘a been easier!”

“Because even before she opened her eyes, her hands were protectively wrapped around her stomach, shouting loud and clear that no one touch her baby…” is Jean’s softly spoken answer; like she regretted not to be able to also do this to her.

***************

I promise myself one thing: I will make her pay for all of the things she’s done to Marie, and I will make sure that the pain makes her lose her mind.


I don’t look at her, I can’t. I need to be with Marie, now!


“Where is she?”

“She’s in a special room in an independent wing with all the needed medical equipment. We can go now if you wish it, but let me warn you: she might be very different from the person you used to know.”

“I don’t care. Just let me see her…”




I’m drained, I really am.

Come what may, all I want is to be by her side. And if it takes me forever to make her remember what we were, then so be it.
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