It’s strange you know.
There’s a life inside me, filling me. Even if I want to be all alone, I can’t, and it reassures me in so many ways; I’ll never be alone now.
I’m a little afraid too, because I really don’t know when and in which circumstances this little thing happened to be settling down in my stomach.
I’m in a place I don’t remember coming at all, with people who show their concern about me but that I don’t know at all.
This man in particular showed me a very warm support, I like him. He’s in a wheel chair, he said his name was Xavier but he didn’t really tell me what I was doing here. Is it where I live? I can’t remember.
I was on the street for sometime after I ran away from home, going from town to town and making my way up to the North, and BANG! I’m in a kind of hospital-like room-too comfy to be a real hospital room, in fact-with a swollen stomach and a blank mind; quite too bewildering for my own taste.
I also was told that I had a kind of accident and that my pregnancy involved many risks and that was why there were all kinds of machines monitoring my vitals. I feel so serene, though, how could I be in danger?
********************
The weather is quite clear today and the sun shines high upon the snow covered gardens.
I’ve never seen such a beautiful place; it’s all so calm. I’ve spent the last few days reading, writing my impressions in a kind of diary -as Xavier suggested-and rest. But I’m not bored. It feels good in fact, like I haven't been able to do so for a very long time.
The Professor stays with me and gets me a ‘special class program’ everyday during one hour or two, depending on how I feel. He teaches me some stuffs like math, physics, ethics, and English, saying that I shouldn’t give up on education, and I’m grateful because I still can go to school in some strange way, and maybe one day, you never know, I’ll be able to go to college; it’s always been one of my dreams. Well in fact until my mutation popped its ugly head.
Maybe, just maybe, things can change here.
*****************
Somebody’s knocking on my door. I’ve already had breakfast, so that can only be the Professor.
I’m truly glad to see him, I like talking with him about all kinds of things, he has so much to teach me. Never knew myself as some knowledge geek, but never mind, nobody sees me anyway; it’s not like I was going to be seen as some kind of library freak by other students, because, hey! I’m alone in this room.
“Good morning dear, how are you feeling today?”
“Good morning professor. I’m beyond okay. Feels like I could run the marathon!”
The Professor chuckles quietly before adding “Rogue, I would like you to meet someone. He was one of the teachers here; one of your teachers. You were one of this school students before your accident.” The tone of his voice is light but I can see he's tensed, and he smells...odd. Whoever it is, he's not just anyone. Come on, nobody ever visited me except the Professor.
“Really? Oh, I can’t remember that… I’m sorry professor.” So frustrating!!
“If you don’t want to meet him, please feel free to say so. If you think it’s still too early to meet anyone, then we’ll wait until you are ready my dear.”
“It’s okay professor. Anyway it’s time for me to start recovering some memory, isn’t it? And if I can remember anything at all just by meeting people that knew me, then I’ll take my chance.”
*****************
Xavier turns his chair slightly towards the door waving a hand to someone I can’t see for instance.
What’s that smell? Why’s my heart fluttering like that? It smells so good.
A man crosses the door way and enters my room, eyes looking at the floor.
He’s tall, muscular, with worn out boots and jeans and a black flannel shirt, but his face doesn’t suit the gruff appearance at all. He’s handsome in a way that makes my breath hitch and my heart skip a whole bunch of beats.
“Rogue, allow me to introduce you to Logan. Logan, this is Rogue.”
The man lifts up his gaze to meet mine.
Oh dear God, why my head’s feeling so funny now? And the baby won’t stop spinning inside me. Something inside my chest is shrinking till discomfort. I feel like I’m about to faint. The baby’s kicking me so hard; it’s the first time, what the hell is going on?
“Rogue? Dear are you alright?”
My stomach hurts like hell! Rogue, calm down! Come on, don’t lose it, you heard me?
“Yes, I’m okay, it’s just, you know…”
“If it hurts please do not hesitate to tell me.”
“Yes, I know, thank you professor, but I’m okay. Glad to meet you Mister Logan.”
I extend one shaking hand to his direction and it takes him some time to realize that he left it hanging in the air. He seems far away, lost in his thoughts. After long seconds, he finally reaches for my hand and squeezes it gently, like he’s afraid to break it.
Unexplainable butterflies fly wild in my chest and stomach at his touch.
The professor told me that I learned how to put my killer skin ‘off’ before…well before I forgot I could.
After a few training sessions with him I can control it again now.
But this is quite new. I’m afraid to hurt Logan, afraid to lose control, so I disengage my hand before my skin flips ‘on’ again.
That’ strange; and it scares me. I really don’t want to hurt him. Why?
The man doesn’t speak. He doesn’t say ‘hello’ or ‘nice to see you again’; nothing but a painful silence and a weird expression darkening his features.
My first visit outside the Professor’s and the man doesn’t seem that enthusiastic to see me back from the dead.
I heard it was quite an accident, but looking at that man, it seems that I shouldn’t have woken up at all, like I made a mistake. Well damn him!
Why am I making such a fuss about it anyway? Come on, I don’t know the guy!
But that smell; it’s coming from him, wave after wave. It changes a little as his face seems to open up again.
“Hey kid. Feels good to have you again.”
Wait a minute, what’s that? ‘Kid’?
“Yes…I…guess I’m back.”
Just too weird! One second before he was all secret and silence city on me, and now what? His face is a subtle scenery, filled with concern and untold thoughts and feelings. It’s so unnerving! I can’t help but feeling that there’s something no one tells me.
“I wanted to check on you earlier but… How’re you doing?”
“I’m okay, I guess, thank you Mr. Logan, that’s nice to ask.”
“No Mr. Logan with me kid. I’m just Logan.”
“’kay…Logan.”
After a long pause he adds:
“How…is the baby? I was told that it was kind of serious, but if you think it’s too personal…”
“No. No, it’s okay. The baby is quite well; guess it’s doing fine. It’s just trying to kick its way out of my stomach right now, but I guess it’s a good sign.” of what, I don't know!
I wince a little at the uncomfortable feel of hard kicks from inside. It seems like they are stronger since the Logan guy began to speak.
“Yeah, I’m glad to hear that.”
*****************
It seems like eternity before one of them speaks again, but then the professor finally breaks the awkward silence.
“Rogue, if you wish to have some rest, we can leave. I will come back later. If you need anything dear, just let me know.”
“Thank you professor. I will. And yes, I guess some rest is a good idea, this little one is giving me the hardest time ever.”
“I will send Hank immediately. Forgive me; maybe it was too early for visits after all.”
“No! No, don’t worry. It was very nice. I see that I eventually had a life before everything and it’s important to me Professor.”
“Alright; I won’t be far anyway.”
“Thank you Professor, for…for everything. Thank you Mist… uh, Logan.”
“You don’t have to thank me kid. I’ll be around if you need anything, I promise.”
Wow. Is it normal? Well, hello, he’s supposed to be just a teacher!
“Okay, Logan.” I try a weak smile as they both leave the room.
The baby has stopped its kicking and the butterflies seem to be under control again… It’s. Really. Strange.
__________________________________________________________
Seeing her like that just about killed me!
I could feel her, feel our baby, the way their bodies reacted to my presence, I could swear they were! But she was looking at me like I was a stranger.
‘Mr. Logan…’
Damnit Marie!
I’m powerless in all that shit; I can’t even reach out for her. I’d do anything to hold her in my arms again.
But I can’t tell her...
*********************
I’ve been thinking, maybe it’s better to let her forget about me, letting her go on without me.
But when I feel it; our bond; stronger than her, stronger than me, I wonder how I could have wanted such a thing.
She… She’s mine for fuck’s sake! She’s expecting *my* baby and that makes her twice as mine. I know I sound like a selfish creep but I can’t help it; I need her, I need her to remember.
She was nervous this morning, her scent talked about expectation and confusion, and damn, her body remembered me, that much I could tell!! And that *is* damn encouraging.
I won’t give up on her.
But what if she actually didn’t want to remember anything about me? What if it was too painful?
I must confess that our story is nothing like a movie romance, and as far as I know, I’ve only brought pain her way. It all started with a simple sentence:
“I think I love you Logan.”
That’s what she said; those simple words and I was helpless. She had me. And I did the unthinkable: I bent down and kissed her with all I had; it was in the rec room one night when everyone was out for some cinema session.
I couldn’t think of anything but being with her then, *in* her; and I actually was *in* her barely a week later.
*****************
I realize that I never thought about her, I mean, making sure that she is okay despite the shit I put her through doesn’t make it right; it’s not fair.
I didn’t put the things she needed first. I was so lonely, for so long, I was in love with her even before I laid my eyes on her, back in that freaky bar in Laughlin City.
Her presence was all around me and I guess that’s what earned me a few blows from that dick head; my mind was already with her and I was distracted.
After that long journey to find out about my past, the need to hold on to something tangible, lead me to her when I came back to the mansion. I told myself that I shouldn’t approach her or think about her, but she came to me and the last remnant of willpower I had vanished when I heard those words: “I think I love you Logan.” simple as that, and I was ready for her. I was hers.
***********************
I guess I get what I deserve for treating her like that.
If she wants to forget about me, I guess there’s nothing I can really do, but yet, I’d give anything just to be able to see her again, and I want to be there for her, be the one she needs. Whatever good thing I still have to give to someone, I want to give it to her.
I won’t ask for anything else. She’s alive and safe and she didn’t lash out at me when she saw me, so what else can I ask?
And there's the baby. Our baby. The little thing really wormed its way in my heart. I love it already.
But it’s like me; it’s a threat to Marie’s happiness.
Come on it almost killed her, it was eating her alive, it was taking everything she had; just like I did!
Like father like son, that’s what people say, right?
No, it’s not good!
Thinking things like these won’t lead me anywhere. I should try and get my head out of my ass long enough to look beyond my self-loathing act and try to see things the way they are and face them as well as I can. I need to be strong, for her, for Marie and for our baby.
__________________________________________________________
Seasons changed, making winter snow covered gardens melt in the spring sun. Deep green lawns are now crowded with kids chatting, running, having a good time.
I’m still in that room, far from every noise and from life in general. Three months in there.
I’m not locked away but moving and walking around really became a challenge with my huge stomach. I can’t even see my feet; not like it’s vital or something, but you know, just to give you an idea of the phenomenon.
So I stay up here.
***************
I’ve received many visits from all of my 'friends' and former class mates. I can remember a few stuffs but not everything. Events took back their place in my mind, names and faces from my past too, but there’s still an unexplainable void about the past months; more precisely the weeks before my 'accident'.
No one was able to tell me where I was and what exactly happened to me. If I asked, my questions were only met by a forced silence and a sad expression on the face of whoever I was talking to.
The worst was Logan. He kept on visiting me more than regularly, and it was really nice. He was always concerned about me and the baby, making everything and anything he could to make things easier for me. He even bought stuffs, you know, diapers, baby clothes, toys, bed, and all kinds of furniture that make the big room I live in smaller than it actually is. I told him about a million times that he didn’t have to do this but he kept on telling me that it was okay and that he just wanted to make sure I had everything I needed. He’s really been great, but I don't know how to take his kindness.
We also talk a lot. I tell him about my fears and expectations and he really listens. I never thought it could be so nice to talk to him. I don’t know why but, of all people, Logan’s the one I trust the most; I feel immediately safe when he’s around and the baby reacts to his presence too. It’s all so strange.
But he never tells me any of the things I long to hear. He never answers whenever I ask questions about our relationship, or if we ever had one. He'd just look at the toes of his boots, like they suddenly become of a vital interest.
The first time I saw him I was like under a kind of shock and my body reacted in the weirdest way, all restless and a kind of strange excitement. But now, I feel relaxed, and I must confess that I miss his presence, especially at night. I don’t know why.
I get the strange sensation that he and I were much closer than what he actually tells me. As great as a teacher can be, Logan’s way of acting around me triggers something in my heart, like I was used to his kindness, and maybe more?
It kills me not to be able to point it out more clearly.
It just feels good around him. He feels good. It's not the same with Ororo, Mr. Summers and even Dr. Grey. They're really kind, but there's a kind of unease when they're around and it makes me sick sometimes.
Time… is just a figure.
Where does that come from?
__________________________________________________________
She feels more and more comfortable with me. We talk and spend as much time together as we can.
The professor said she’d be different and he was right.
It was kind of hard at first to tell myself that the girl in the big bed was my Marie. Her voice was the same, but something in the way she spoke, the lack of slang and swearing in her speech made it all sound too different for the likes of mine.
And then there was this permanent look in her eyes, these questions that she kept to herself; reserve.
She didn’t remember anything about me, much as what I expected, but she told me once that she feels safe when I’m around and I almost choked on the coffee I was drinking. She laughed at me as I tried to clean up the mess I made.
************************
She’s having a nap now. She didn’t want me to go so she took my hand in hers to make me stay. It was all so spontaneous; it surprised me, in a very good way, but I can’t help but worrying a bit.
I don’t want to hope that she miraculously remembers all the things we shared. Because those memories would only make her unhappy; and I don’t want her to be. I know how lame I sound but it’s just how I feel.
************************
It’s almost summer time now, the last semester is over and the kids are all over the place.
As most of them have no parents to visit during this time, they just stay here, going out on small journeys with the other teachers and even to mutants friendly summer camps.
I’ve taken back my former teacher position, except that I only teach older students and only self defense and combat techniques. I guess the good Professor doesn’t want other scandals that would involve another defenseless girl fucked by my very abusive and dominating self.
I’m not fair here. Xavier’s really been good to me despite all I did to Marie. He accepted to have me here and let me build up a new relationship with her-well even if he made me swear not to ever lay a hand on her-and he allowed me to be useful to the school too.
I still have a hard time with the other teachers, though. But I’m okay with that, it’s not like I cared or anything.
And there’s the redhead.
She still doesn’t know it but payback time is coming real close.
I’ll wait until she thinks she’s safe, making her believe that she’s out of reach.
There will be no code of honor, no nothing but her paying the price for messing up with me and Marie.
She did something she never should have done and she'll pay, that I can swear.
She won’t hurt her anymore, nor will she come near my baby; not ever.
But not now, no. I’ll wait there in the dark until my time comes.
The Wolverine & Rogue Fanfiction Archive
Barely Legal Since 2000
Author's Chapter Notes:
Thank you gus for the reviews, makes me want to give you the best!
Sorry for the sudden curves and turns in the story but I thought it would thrill you just a tiny bit (call me a teaser if you want, and well maybe I am!)
More to come and, yes, some happy feelings are there too. More happy lovey dovey Logan/Marie stuffs coming, I promise! (*g*)
Sorry for the sudden curves and turns in the story but I thought it would thrill you just a tiny bit (call me a teaser if you want, and well maybe I am!)
More to come and, yes, some happy feelings are there too. More happy lovey dovey Logan/Marie stuffs coming, I promise! (*g*)