It’s night already. Hank came even before I called him this afternoon. He said he was a little worried about James’ health so he also had Xavier coming to check on him. They said he was fine, no trace of his ‘meal’. Talking of which, red is still in the Med Lab, and it seems more serious than what I first thought, but well, she partly has what she deserves, yet my only regret is that I couldn’t do it myself. It had to be my boy. It hurts like hell to admit it but, he’s so much like me, he seems to have all our powers, Marie’s and mine, but in a more dangerous way; and he’s still a baby, so he can’t have any kind of control over it all. I try my best not to show my concern, but in the end, I’m just lying to myself. We are mutants, our baby is a mutant. He has this thin blond duvet all over his little body, those huge changing eyes and fangs. I wouldn’t be surprised, not even a bit if he suddenly had claws popping out from between his tiny knuckles. But he looks so peaceful right now, so perfect. He’s sleeping next to me, it was the only way to got him calm enough to actually fall asleep. Marie stayed in her room but her door remained opened, so that he can still feel her presence. I guess she was a little, well…uh, shocked after all the things that happened today, she’d keep on rambling about how she gave a fucked up mutation to our kid, blaming herself for whatever would go wrong in his life in the future. No matter how hard I tried to comfort her, she’d only cry and tell me I’m wrong. She became more and more confused then, so Hank gave her something to sleep. I guess that James felt that his mother wasn’t okay, so he just kept crying, even after his voice had gone hoarse from screaming for hours.
I close my eyes, I just try to hear Marie and James’ heartbeats. They beat in rhythm, in total harmony, like one single being; they beat for me it seems, calming me down, soothing me. Maybe from now on, I can hope to see things differently. I have a family. It’s funny though, I never saw myself as some family man, and as time goes by, I really think I can do it, and maybe even enjoy it. I don’t think I can explain what Marie and James mean to me and certainly, Xavier finally got my point. I know I didn’t play it right at the beginning, but I want things to change, I want to make it right, just like Marie said. All those years without her, fighting and fucking around like there was no tomorrow, it wasn’t even a shadow of a life. I realized that the very minute I allowed myself to think about her, back on that snow covered road in goddamn Alberta, looking at her fragile silhouette vanishing in the rear view mirror as I ran like hell from her and all the things she already meant to me. I don’t even want to imagine my life now if I hadn’t stopped.
I look over her dormant form once more and I can’t help but smile smugly. I’m proud of what she did so far, proud of what she is and proud of what she’ll become. I have no doubt she’ll get up again after that ultimate fight, no doubt she’ll come back to me again. Marie gave me the most perfect and beautiful gift. She fought for him, I was there, and she gave all she had even without knowing what was really going on, without knowing *I* was the father. I can’t fuck this up, never.
The night is here but I just can’t allow my eyes to find rest in the bliss of sleep. It’s all too new, and I don’t want it to stop. I’m afraid to do something irreparable with James being so close to me. What if I had a nightmare and accidently hurt him? I wish I could say ‘fuck my insecurities and that damn past I just might never know’. But I just can’t seem to let go. One thing’s worrying me though. Marie seemed to have a connection with my lost memories, as if they were simply stored in some file up in her head, whereas I’ve never been able to access them. Maybe they’re still in my head just the same. Maybe if I push a little more I’ll be able to remember something, else than greenish water filled tanks and me saying my last prayers as gigantic power drills dig into my skull. I often see this one in my nightmares, when my emotions and fears are too strong to be controlled even in the midst of sleep. Maybe if I can find them and find the strength to face them, the nightmares might just disappear. A Wolverine without his nightmares, feels a little, uh… not natural. But I lose nothing giving it a shot. How could I do that anyway?
I try to relax, breathing deep, eyes closed a little less tightly. I give in to a kind of weird meditation. I try to empty myself from all the locked up tensions, overwhelming feelings and thoughts. There, just the sound of the air filling and leaving my lungs, harmonized heartbeats. It’s exactly that. I’m relaxed, out of time it seems. I dive deeper than this pain, deeper than those white coats and those power drills, deeper than this fear.
***********************
I see something; it’s a little blurred but definitely there, a face smiling at me softly, a woman. I try to see her more clearly but I can’t, she’s familiar though, I know her. Come on, just a little more. Yeah, that’s it. I’m in her arms and she’s the most exquisite thing I’ve ever laid my eyes on. I’m small, so small, lost in her embrace, lost in her beautiful honey brown eyes. Who is she? She touches my face ever so softly, dropping random feather light kisses on my forehead and cheeks. I want to hug her but I can’t, I can’t move, I’m too weak. I feel wet trails of cold sweat running down my temples. She’s sad, almost helplessly, desperately out of hope it seems. I want to reach out and ease her pain, but lifting my hand to her face is almost more than what I can give. I try to speak but my voice won’t cooperate. Why is she crying? She lays me in a bed and kisses my forehead one last time before disappearing behind the door.
__________________________________________________________
Wow, Hank really gave me the rhino dose of somniferous. I’m feeling so dizzy. I must have been really upset yesterday, I don’t remember much... At the strange silence of the place I assume that Logan already left. I get up and walk to the other room peaking through the in between door left ajar. Yeah, he left and took James with him. I told him I didn’t want him to be close to the others for instance, what is he thinking of? What if something bad happened? I won’t forgive myself.
Stop that Rogue! Now take a shower and dress up! Stop hurting yourself for things that didn’t even happen, isn’t it what everyone keeps on telling you? Okay, you can do it? Yes! You’re a mom! And you will *have* to learn to express your feelings with other words than ‘fuck’, ‘shit’, and every other words of the same range. What example are you giving to James? Think of it! Oh gosh, I’m so sounding like my mom. Are all women becoming rambling farts when they become mothers? I hope not…
I slip quietly from my room with James’ baby bag, in an attempt to find Logan. Where could the ‘Wolf and the cub’ be right now? Kitchen? Yeah, that sounds more than a possibility and I need to give James, well, you know, his ‘breakfast’. Hank gave me baby bottles and special formula yesterday when we told him about the fact that… Oh, I can’t even say the word yet. My baby has…oh no, I really can’t. Logan acts like it’s all normal but, I can’t help but think that it’s not. I guess I’m unfair and extremely wrong here. Shouldn’t I be proud of my baby no matter what he looks like? I’m so ashamed of the way I deal with this. I’m freaking out. I guess that’s what my parents felt when my mutation popped up its ugly head, I wasn’t perfect anymore and they pushed me away with one single gesture of the hand, like I was nothing more than dust on the windowsill. I can’t do this to my son, I won’t do it. But it’s not the only problem. I’m also afraid, I don’t know if I can be a good mom. Logan told me that I was ‘born to do it’, but frankly, I doubt that. Changing diapers is one fact; take care of a child, a person, is another one. I’ve never done this before, never really took that good care of myself either, I don’t even know where to start. I can’t have people helping me all the time; I’m responsible for someone’s life now! What if I messed up? So much for my theatrical tirade about doing things right yesterday. I’m scared and I don’t know how right things can be from now. I mean, what’s everyone’s going to say? I’m still a student, and, oh God, I had a baby with one of the teachers. Just how people are going to see me right now? Should have thought of this a long time ago. Now, there’s nothing else to do but walk the path that lies before me. I made my bed, now I’m going to have to lie in it.
“Hey, Rogue! It’s so good to see you again!”
Storm! She hugs me tightly before letting me go and take a general look at me.
“Good morning Storm.”
“How are you feeling?”
“Well, I guess I’m fine, thanks.”
“And once again congratulations, it’s a beautiful little boy you have.”
I really don’t know what to say. Does she really think it? Come on, it’s Storm, she wouldn’t tell a lie. She’s always been honest with me, well as much as I can remember. I enjoyed the moments we spent together when I was up in this room, hooked to hundreds of beeping machines; just talking with her made me feel better. Yet, does she know? Was she told that Logan was the father? In fact I never really wondered what people here knew exactly about our story. I guess that the teachers know, according to what Logan told me and according to their attitude towards him all the time I was pregnant. But with Storm it was different, I don’t really know why, but I think I can trust her.
“Thank you Storm! By the way, I’m looking for Logan; you know where I can find him?”
“Yes, he was in the Rec. room just a moment ago struggling with a nursing-bottle and a boy who refused to cooperate.”
She sounds amused by the scene she’s describing and I can perfectly understand why. Have you seen Logan? 6’2” frame, muscles ready to bounce, permanent scowl on the face, gruff and edgy and all? That must have been something.
“You think I need to intervene?” I ask, faking wariness.
She eyes me almost playfully.
“I think he’s doing quite well for a beginner if you want my opinion.”
Are we talking about the same person here?
“I’d better go and see if there are any survivors.”
“You’d be quite surprised.” She teases.
I pause a little, consciously letting her know that I want to ask her something important. I don’t know if I should tell her, I need to know though. I just can’t ask Logan about that. But what if...Come on Rogue, just say it!
“Storm, do you have any news from Dr Grey? I’m… worried.”
“I was told that she was getting better. But…”
“Storm please, I need to know if she’s okay.”
Storm’s features fall for a split second before she adds, smiling sadly:
“She’s alive, Rogue. That’s all I know. The Professor won’t let anyone see her. He said that it was quite serious.”
“Oh my God…”
“I know what happened yesterday, and it wasn’t you’re fault or anyone else’s. Jean… is not quite herself lately, and…it started… Rogue, you need to know that nobody’s mad at you…”
“Storm, please, I need to know. What’s wrong with Dr Grey, why did she try to hurt me? That’s what she was trying to do, right? I sensed it, and James too.”
“Rogue, I’m so sorry”
She has tears in her eyes, I didn’t mean it. Is it this bad? She pauses a very long time before adding
“It all started a few weeks before you left with... Logan, all those months ago.”
She knows. Everything.
“What do you mean? Storm, Logan told me what happened...You can tell me now.”
“That’s… It’s quite a complex situation, Rogue, you need to understand that. I know the wrong that Jean did to you and Logan, but… She’s not as bad as what you think she is.”
Storm hugs me one more time before leaving me all alone, standing in the hallway with all kinds of scenarios popping up in my dizzy head. What she says about Dr Grey is so unnerving. She’s so... I was scared, I mean, I almost crapped my pants when I saw those weird flames in her eyes. How come the professor didn’t do anything to stop her? According to Logan, all our actual misery started that night when she saw us. Well, I mean, I know we were not on the right side of the law that night, but I’m sure there were other ways to deal with the situation.
God, I need to move, I’ll drive myself crazy with those questions. Anyway, it’s too late to do anything right now, and we’ll be okay as long as she’s away from us. Still I can’t live like this; I need to be sure that James is safe. James and Logan. I can’t remember having such a feeling before; it’s so deep. I *need* to know that they’re okay. I need to get things clear too. I need answers, and if Storm wasn’t willing to give them, I’ll ask to the Professor himself, for he sure knows more than he wants me to believe.
******************************
I finally find James and Logan in a small lounge, just like the one we were in yesterday. James is in his arms, sucking calmly at the bottle, like there’s not a care in the world. Once again, it’s like they’re all alone; they are beautiful. I’m feeling so out of place…
Come on, look at me! How come a man like Logan was interested in me in the first place? The guy is sex on legs. And he… wait a minute. His mutation…Logan’s mutation. No, Rogue, you’re not going there again! You love Logan. You. Love. Logan. There’s no one to blame, you heard me?
I step closer, but I guess that Logan felt my trouble, because he eyes me with those questioning hazel mirrors, his lips pursed. Speak, Rogue, say something!
“Hey…” It’s lame! I’m panicking, oh no, I’m hyperventilating! Calm down!
“You okay?”
The eyebrow now. Okay, calm down and try to breathe.
“Yeah, I’m…perfect. I was looking for you.”
“We were in the Rec. room, but it feels less crowded here. You sure you’re okay? You look a little pale.”
“Yes, I’m fine! But I’m… I thought we agreed on not letting James with so many people around. You should have told me.”
“Hank said he’s fine.”
“Hank is not his mom!” Ouch, I didn’t mean to say it like that. What’s wrong with me? Why am I bitching like that? Logan is being really nice, what's wrong with me?
“Marie, tell me what’s wrong.”
“Oh, nothing is wrong Logan! I just thought we agreed on this one little thing, why did you have to bring James here?”
“James is okay, he’s not going to hurt anyone as long as he doesn’t feel he's in danger.”
“What? What is it, what do you mean?”
Oh God, I am *not* feeling right. It's too hot in here...
“That’s what Hank told us, remember? Baby what’s wrong?”
“I told you what is wrong, Logan! Give me my baby, now!”
“Marie, calm down, there's no need to be upset. Look for yourself...”
I’m losing it, I know I should shut the hell up, but I can’t. It’s stronger than me; I need to take it out on someone!
“You want to know the truth, uh? Wanna know why I’m so upset?”
I can’t say it. I can’t! It’s not his fault or mine, it just is. Our baby’s a mutant, what did I expect? I love him, I can’t make him responsible for James’ mutation. All I can do is cry, but I’ll never tell him why, never. I need to burry those feelings as deep as I can. It’s not his fault…
“Marie, baby, come here.”
I can’t move, I can’t make my legs obey the orders my brain is giving. I want to move, slump next to Logan and burry my face in his chest and forget about the thoughts raging in my mind, but I’m grounded.
He does it; he moves, slowly, like he doesn’t want to startle me.
I’m so sorry Logan. I’m sorry for the horrible things I’m thinking right now, but I’ll get over it, I swear to God that I will! Forgive me.
“I’m sorry Logan.”
He doesn’t ask why. He just wraps his free arm around me in a tight embrace.
****
Long moments pass as we stay slumped against one another. James is in Logan's arms, humming, purring, doing his baby stuff. None of us has spoken a word. We're just there in a kind of scared silence. My emotional outburst seems to have affected Logan greatly even if he won't say it, letting me know I've scared him; hurt him.
I don't want to move. I have a baby with this man I hardly know anything about. How are we supposed to work things out? He seems to know me though, know when I'm upset, or sad, or happy. And there's this other part of him he so obviously tries to control all the time. He talked about a 'Wolverine'...
What's that supposed to mean? Is he an animal deep down inside? He talked about it like I'm supposed to know everything about it; sorry but I don't. And I'm scared right now. Scared but in love...How is it even possible.
I need to talk to someone. I can't tell Logan...I don't want to hurt him, but these feelings are growing stronger by the moment. I don't want them to overwhelm me.
Did I know about it from the start? What are we...? How much of him do I know?
"Kid...?" Logan dissolves the silence of the room and stops anymore thought to form in my head.
"Yes?"
He takes a very long pause, inhaling very deeply, taking in my scent.
"You're scared..."
Holy Cow...!
"I'm... upset, yes. It's so new."
"Marie, don't lie to me. Don't do this."
He seems to plead with me, beg me. But I can't do it, not to him. I'm divided...
"Baby talk to me. You know you can tell me everything. We...we've never kept secrets from one another. You can't let it devour you. I'm here, I can help."
"Logan" I start, my voice unsure, still searching. "I'm sorry but I don't remember...Even if you told me everything, it doesn't mean that it all makes sense up in my head. I know I love you, this much is true. But...the rest is so much like a blur. And...Oh God, Logan I'm scared! Not only for James. I'm so sorry..."
He doesn't say a word, his face ashen; like his last drop of blood just left his body. An empty shell. Lord, that's not what I wanted...
"Logan, talk to me please!"
"Marie, you're...Are you afraid of me?"
And the it hits home. Something clicks inside. I need to touch him. It's the only way. I can't stay like that, I don't want to be afraid of him...
Logan...
"Please touch me..." Tears stream down along my cheeks.
"Marie, baby, you're upset, if I touched you...I don't want to make things worse."
"Logan, please. Touch me. I need to know, I need to feel you..." All of you.
I disengage from our tight embrace and look at him intently. James is completely still, like he sensed that the least move could startle me, make me run from them and never come back.
I take him in my arms, kiss his soft cheek tenderly, and lay him down on the space on the coach between Logan and I. Lifting a shaky hand in Logan's direction, I see him leaning in even before our skins make contact. His eyes are closed, awaiting, loving me even when I move to hurt him.
Then it starts, but I'm not touching him yet. Images flood my mind, smothering me.
Logan laying on the floor, in a kind of torch. His face is livid, blood oozing from deep gashes on his ravaged face and body. Something howls in me: *I* did it to him. It's all coming back in a rush. I was dead. Logan saved me; for the second time.
I look down again. Startled eyes look back at me. It hurts. My shoulder and my arm hurt like fire. I can't breathe. Logan is just before me, his face so beautiful. I want to touch him, one last time before I leave this world. That's when I feel it.
The pull at everything that's inside of him, everything that made him what he is. Pain and darkness, scattered hopes and joys...until he laid eyes on me. Light...
A light brighter than day envelopes me; his love. It's so strong. I become nothing, everything, him...His.
__________________________________________________________
Marie. What's happening? Answer me!
What have I done?
*************************
Two weeks later.
Classes have started again and Marie is back to school. I really thought I'd lost her for good this time. But she came back to her senses after a long moment of agony it seems. She didn't touch me, her skin mere inches from mine, but I felt the pull. James was still but his eyes glinted strangely, a look a baby shouldn't have in its eyes. Old and weary...my own two eyes.
Marie does her best. She's busy with studying and taking care of our son. I help her as much as I can. The Professor gave her a special schedule but I can see she's exhausted. Classes in the morning and special meetings with him in the afternoon.
She knows everything there is to know now. She knows she's still in danger, knows what happened with Jean and everything about her and I. She knows how much I ruined her life. I thought love would be enough; I was wrong.
I see the way people look at her and at me. It's not a secret anymore that Marie and I had a baby together. A teacher and a student and their dirty little secret revealed to the whole right world. A very selected few stayed close to her and help her out, and I really need to thank them for that. They don't know what it means to us to have people we can count on. Hell, *I* am relieved to see she still has friends here. Otherwise it would have been hell. And surprisingly, Ol' One Eye is one of them. Storm showed a discrete but constant support, as for Hank. It's harder to know about Xavier. He helps Marie out, a lot, and he likes James. But in his eyes I'm still public enemy number one. He knows I love Marie and that she loves me back but I know that he never approved of us. Not like I needed his permission, but I know how much it counts for my girl to know that people around her appreciate me...
None of her former friends held the distance though. Everyone was excited at first after James' birth, but once they knew who the father was, their enthusiasm died like a sound. Sad, really sad; for Marie.
She's changed. A lot. She smiles rarely, almost never laughs if not been for James.
Our son is so big, so tall, that you'd never figure he's not even one month old. According to Hank, he has my enhanced regenerative powers, among others and the ability to 'grow up' rapidly...Wonder what kind of mutation it is... A fucked up one? Yeah something like that. If the government hears rumors about the Wolverine's natural child, we'll be knee deep into trouble.
That's one of the reasons we're still here. I want my cub and my mate to be safe, and Xavier's the perfect place to keep'em that way.
That and the fact that Marie could need the Professor's help any moment. It kills me not to be able to do a damn thing about that. But that's how I am when it come to Marie: powerless.
I let her have a nap right now. She took a sup' class in English Lit., she wants to be a teacher after college. She still has to catch up for her lost year, and she does wonders. I'm so proud of her. That's why I don't wake her up when she sleeps at five in the afternoon. She needs it.
She stirs though and mumbles something about Shakespeare and Rimbaud and lost poets...
"Marie, baby, wake up..." I try in a whisper. She's so cute right now. Her face puffy with sleep, her silky brown and platinum hair all over the place.
"Logan? What time is it? I been sleeping?"
"Yeah and I wouldn't have it any other way."
"No! No, nononono...I'm late! I promised Jubes to join her at the library to study a text together. She's gonna kill me..."
"The firecracker knows you were asleep. She also knows it's most needed sleep, so why don't you go check on James and come back to bed? I'll get you something from the kitchen for later when you wake up."
"Logan, I can't...You can't let me sleep at five in the afternoon, I got things to do, in case you didn't know..."
"Hey, shhh...s'okay. You also need to rest, brave as you are."
I'm lying in bed like there's not a care in the world. I can smell the change in her...God, I need her...now!
__________________________________________________________
What's with Logan? He's looking at me like he hadn't eaten for ages and I'm his next meal. Don't know if I should be scared or thrilled.
I go and check on James. He's sleeping peacefully. Good. I can go back to bed. I must confess I really *need* it.
I make it back to our room and lie back in bed, this time under the covers. It's strange though. I feel strange. Even if we share a room now, Logan and I rarely sleep in the same bed. Whether because he goes on missions at night or because he can't sleep because of the nightmares. But yeah...we never actually 'slept' in the same bed at the same time. And having him now so close is a...distracting.
I try not to think too much about it and slip deeper under the covers trying to get rid of my jeans and my sweater without putting on a show.
Logan looks at me even more intently. Oh God. I know I am *not* peeing in my pants right now...it's...Oh no...! Press your thighs together; do not feel excited, do not imagine his hands on you! Heard me?! Tell the sun not to rise, girl!
Lord, I'm screwed, I'm so screwed...No, nononono, I'm doomed, I'm doomed!
Don't move damnit, Rogue! Don't turn around!!
Too late! Two green-golden eyes look back at me unmoving. Logan draws me closer to him and... Holy Cow! I *know* he doesn't put his wallet there... What do I do? What do I do? Okay, Rogue relax. He's not going to eat you, is he? Yes he is, just look at his eyes! You're screwed, or gonna be...very soon.
"Logan, what are you doing?"
"Shh...s'okay baby, s'okay."
"Logan..." Is it me speaking? My voice is, well too breathy, too needy, too...Oh God I can't resist it anymore, I want him!
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Author's Chapter Notes:
Hey, everyone!
Chapter 8 in stores! It took me quite some time to have it out, but I hope you'll like it.
Disclamers: I own nothing at all...........
Chapter 8 in stores! It took me quite some time to have it out, but I hope you'll like it.
Disclamers: I own nothing at all...........