Sinful, guilty pleasure...
I sink in her soft yielding body. The sound of slapping flesh like thunderstorm in the in the night of her room; she's got me coming undone. A lick on her throat, a moan and a sob like sigh against my skin. Marie...
It shouldn't be happening...She's not mine and she'll never be, yet I want it, I want her. I groan and grunt, lost in my thirst for this, for her. I spent years imagining this, the feel of her body under my palms.
You, only you, only you can't be the one...
They said she was too young, that's what she said. And I'm sinking lower and lower, losing myself to this moment, nothing makes sense in my mind. All the reasons why I shouldn't be here tonight, here inside her.
She won't look at me... I won't look at her. Not a tender word shared, not a loving caress. Marie.
My hips pumping, rolling, my hands searching, taking again and again. She writhes underneath my body, clinging, her eyes shut tight. I wonder what she's seeing.
************************
He didn't come home tonight, and I wonder where he is...
He's been so distant lately, barely in control of himself. Everyday he's on edge. I can't remember the last time we've talked without it ending in a screaming match.
I look at the picture of us resting on the nightstand next to me and I try to recall the last time I've seen him him smile like that. Logan...
His face is always so tense, grim even; his eyes unseeing, lost. It's been weeks...
***********************
He left without a word. He always leaves like that, as soon as he's done. He just gathers his clothes from the floor, dresses up and leave silently. I shouldn't be surprised, we've been doing this for weeks now.
He won't leave her... Yet I love him with all I have. He doesn't belong to me, he never will.
The first time he came, I couldn't deny my need and want anymore and I just let him use me; break me and shape me back in whatever he wanted. I let him have me, all I am, in any twisted way he wants.
Nothing makes sense ever since. Nothing else matters.
So why do I feel so empty when his body withdraws from mine?
The days go by, our nightly rituals going unnoticed by the rest of the mansion's inhabitants; by her. Ororo.
**************************
I close the door to her room. I walk in the night, pondering whether I should go back to our room reeking of lust and desperation. What am I doing?
I have everything I wanted. Ororo loves me... So why isn't it enough?
It has got to stop. I can't do this any more, can't lie to her anymore.
I lie and lie again with every breath I take. I lie to her, I lie to Marie; to myself. But I can't go back, can't stop this want to burn me alive every time I see her. I'm using her, using the feelings I know she still holds for me. I rape her mind and her heart.
It has got to stop, but I don't know how to live without our nights together anymore.
*******************************
Somebody has to make it stop... I can't live like this, can't keep on lying like this.
Logan...
I lose myself in the life at the mansion, trying to fit back in now that I'm a human among mutants, but I can't seem to. The ones I once thought were my friends turned their backs on me. I don't know who I am anymore. I don't know who to be anymore.
I just want it to stop, but I can't make myself reject him every time he comes to me. He would just come in my room and lock the door behind him. He would carefully undress before sliding under the sheets, all the while keeping his eyes averted, unwilling to see the destruction of the previous night engraved in my face.
I know what we are doing is wrong, I should be ashamed. But with every thrust of his body inside mine, I feel that I can still make it through one more day. His body like a life line, no matter at what price. I need something, anything to anchor me to this life...
***********************
It's yet another day at the mansion, another day of Logan and I arguing about the slightest things. I wish I could fix this, whatever it is that is eating him alive, but something tells me that I won't like what I see if I try and see through Logan's darkness; his secret.
Yet I can't stop. It's late, too late for me standing in the dark corridor next to Rogue's room where Logan's just disappeared. I hear the lock click in the darkness and with it my heart breaks in a million pieces.
I know I should be upset, mad with hurt, but the pain is too immense to even try to breathe. I know if I do it would mean that it's real, and then all I ever wanted, all Logan and I have built would be burn away.
****************************
I see her less and less in the hallways. From what I heard she hardly eats, and I know for a fact that she doesn't sleep; not after what we do every night.
It's got to stop...
******************************
Logan didn't come to me tonight...
I look out the window next to my bed. The night is so still, not a cloud in the velvety sky and the moon is high. Everything is silent, even in my heart, in my head. Not a thought, not a feeling, nothing but an ominous void; alluring blackness.
I know I'm waiting. I shouldn't. But here I am, sitting on the pristine sheets of my bed. Sheets that will remain desperately tidy and fresh tonight.
You, only you, only you can't be the one...
I blindly reach out to the mp3 player next to me, pushing yet again on the "play" button, and lying down, closing my eyes to the sound of the minor chords of a distorted cello. The words sinking into my mind like a caress from the inside.
"Lost infidelity, we never said a word
So black and white you see,
It's all the lies we've heard.
In my mind nothing makes sense,
I'm nothing you can't have.
Cracked up to disagree,
It's all we've ever had."
Only you can't be the one...
I murmur in the night like I have lost my mind.
"You're not there. You'll never be there, not like I need, not like I want..."
The sun is going to rise soon, I know what I have to do.
*******************************
He's lying next to me, one arm draped around me like he'll never let go. He looks older; tired and desperate.
The sun is about to rise now. I slide silently out of the bed and shower before heading downstairs.
I step into the headmaster's office, my office since Charles' death. I wonder what he would think of the state of my relationship with Logan now. Maybe he would have had a wise or encouraging word, but I can't fool myself anymore. Logan and I should never have been in the first place. I know it from the desperation I now recognize in him every second of every day; when we make love.
It's okay... He's not mine; never have been. Not mine to lose or keep, not mine to fight for; he belongs to her, always have.
I can't seem to be able to concentrate enough to work, not now. I'm feeling to sad for this, too sad to pretend and be strong. Even I am allowed to wallow in misery every once in a while. I feel like listening to something that would but words on the bright void inside, words that could describe the pain for which I have fallen silent.
I turn on the computer and search through my music playlists and I fall on this forgotten assortment, made years ago when Logan arrived at the mansion; back when I thought he was an unreachable thing. Now that we've gone full circle, it's only fair to seek solace in the same songs...
The first to play was one that I thought didn't belong there; it was so out of place. Now, I don't think there's another one that could fit my dark mood better. I listen silently as the lyrics weave through my heart, flowing along with my tears.
"Your secret smile so quaint,
In memories foretold.
Laughing so viciously,
Your conscious has been sold.
In my face there's no more joy,
I'm all that I should be.
Cracked infidelity,
That's all you are to me."
You, only you can't be the one...
I cry... shamelessly, hugging myself, eyes closed, imagining that I wasn't here, wishing that he loved me at some point, even for a minute; a second.
The chorus echoes again in the morning light, inviting, fulling my melancholy. He doesn't love me, yet I know he will never have the courage to leave. And the knowledge is more than I can bear.
***************************
Marie is nowhere to be seen. It's been days.
I tried her room, I knew she was there but she wouldn't answer. It's okay... As long as I know she's still here and breathing, it's okay.
****************************
He came by today. He comes everyday. But not at night, not anymore. The time has come.
I open the nightstand's drawer and take the gun delicately in my hands and lie it next to me on the bed where I sit. It will be over soon.
***************************
Logan spends now his every night with me. I don't flinch when in a moment of abandon his hands seeks for long forgotten paths, I don't cringe when the wrong name escapes his lips in the after throws of his orgasm.
It's funny though... I never knew her real name; no one did. Except Logan.
Tonight is no different. Hands warm and broad soothe the ache beneath my skin, leaving a trail of sadness. I know I should make it stop, let him go; set him free. But I can't... I just can't.
It's midnight and I know he's not asleep. We don't talk. I don't really care. His back is turned to me... I don't care. Because he's here tonight. Logan...
****************************
A loud bang arouses me from the slight slumber I've fallen in. I sit up in bed, eyes frantic. Ororo is sitting next to me, a hand on her heart, eyes afraid and clutching the sheet to her naked chest.
"It was a gun shot..." she murmurs in the darkness of our room.
I hastily pull on my discarded sweatpants and turn around to give what I think is a reassuring smile to the white haired beauty in my bed.
"Stay here." I say hastily.
"Logan..."
I don't wait for her to confirm her compliance with my orders, I flee out the door, running down the corridors tracking the smell of gunpowder. It comes from the students wing. I try my best to ignore the growing feeling of dread filling my chest and making every intake of air a struggle. I approach the room where the smell is the strongest and stop dead in my tracks as I recognize Marie's door. Then I lose track of everything. The other students gathered in the hallway, the terrified scents and the stench of blood and death coming from under the door.
**************************
I can do it... I can set him free. No more pain.
I point the cold steel of the gun to my heart. I'm not scared, not anymore. I can do it.
I pull the trigger... Then everything turns silent.
The Wolverine & Rogue Fanfiction Archive
Barely Legal Since 2000
Story Notes:
Hello folks! This bunny appeared on my computer screen while I was listening-watching a song on Youtube... And then I lost track of everything.
I propose that you listen while reading, just for the mood...Here's the link.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=xHGM1tTLEx0&feature=related
I propose that you listen while reading, just for the mood...Here's the link.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=xHGM1tTLEx0&feature=related