~oOo~
Marie's hands were clamped to the sides of her head as if that would stem the tide of Logan's powers rushing through her. Suddenly, the lab was filled with the harsh smell of disinfectant and, true to Jubilee's word, the pungent odor of Twinkies. The sound of heartbeats pounded in her ears. Logan's excitement. Hank's wonder and fear. Her own pulse loud and distracting. The lights were harsh and too bright on her sensitive eyes.
Then she heard the voices…saw the memories. Logan's memories.
Leave her the fuck alone, One-Eye.
Yeah, well, I ain't runnin' anymore, and if you go, I'm gonna follow.
Were you in the army? Don't those mean you were in the army?
Fuckin' hell, woman. It should be against the law for you to put on clothes.
I love you, Marie.
I love you, Logan.
She stumbled backward, overwhelmed with what she was seeing inside her head. The intensity of Logan's feelings for her; how she looked beneath his body as he'd ridden her to the crest of pleasure over and over again; his raw anguish at seeing her body burnt almost beyond recognition; the peace of having her in his arms in the dark of the night.
"Oh God. Oh God."
"Marie…"
Logan reached for her and she instinctively jerked her arms away from him. Both fearing for his safety and realizing she was unable to decipher where his feelings ended and hers began. Marie did what she saw in his memories…she ran. She ran through the house, only recognizable to her because of the images from Logan's mind, and made her way past shocked children and concerned adults. She reached the doors that led to his sanctuary…the woods.
~oOo~
Logan followed her. He wasn't trying to stop her in the least. Marie was feeling his frustration, his anger, his lust and the only way she could get it out was to do what a feral does best; run. Run from the pain. Run from the confusion. Push her body until it gave out. Logan had promised her that if she ran, he was going to follow and with the amount of times he'd so spectacularly failed Marie over the years, he wasn't about to break that vow.
They sprinted through the trees, creating a dance that was graceful, powerful and driven by pure instinct. Where Marie darted left, Logan countered around to her right. When she leapt over a fallen tree, he would explode out of the dense thicket. They were silent predators, searching for the place in his memory where he'd seen her for the first time in five years. Bursting through the treeline, the two were met with a green, open field, the grass swaying in time to the invisible music of the wind.
Marie stopped. She recognized the clearing from Logan's memories. It was beautiful. Peaceful. She turned around and watched as the trees moved lazily in the breeze, stray leaves falling to the ground. Marie's voice was quiet, almost reverent.
"I was so angry at you that day."
"Do you…remember it?" Hopeful. Almost pleading.
She shook her head and looked sadly at the ground.
"No. But I can see how upset I was through your eyes. How you felt the anger coming off of me in waves."
"You were hurtin' Marie. I knew that."
Marie collapsed to the ground, reared her hand up and back behind her shoulderblade then thrust her clenched fist into the earth with a dull thud.
"This is so fucked up! I don't know you! I can't remember you or anyone else in this place and now I've got all these memories of us but they're your feelings…your past! So who the fuck am I?"
He moved slowly to her side and knelt down next to her. His arm draped gently over her shoulder and he leaned Marie back until they were both sitting side by side.
"You're Marie. You're stronger than any person I've ever met. You're stubborn and a smartass and you like to be right all the fuckin' time." He paused for just a moment. "You love dancin' when no one's lookin' and if there's a stash of chocolate covered raisins in the house, you can sniff it out and down it in a day. You love bein' spoiled even though you always protest it and nothin' makes you happier than givin' someone else a gift."
She sat for a moment, allowing the vividness of the images in her head to fade.
"I feel so empty inside. I can't even remember how I got this way. I just have flashes of the pain and a voice in my head. Then…nothing."
"You won, though. Even if you don't remember everything, you're alive and that's the most important thing."
Her head moved upward, her eyes finding his, searching for any answer, any shred of hope.
"Is it, though? Is it if I don't have any memory of you or this place or my friends? Do I try and go back to the way things used to be or do I try and start a new life for myself? I just have no goddamn idea."
"I'm sorry, Marie. I don't know if you're gonna get your memories back and I don't want you to feel like you owe me or anyone else here somethin'. I love you, I always will. And these people will always be your friends. And bein' here for you means that even if you gotta make new memories and become a whole new person, we'll have your back."
He sighed and said the words she needed to hear but that made his gut twist when they flowed past his lips.
"Even if that means you have a life that doesn't include me."
She sniffled and rested her head in her hands.
"I'm sorry I've hurt you, Logan. You seem like a really great guy and it's obvious from your memories I loved you. I just can't make any promises."
"I ain't askin' for promises, Marie. I just want you to get better."
Marie looked at her hands. "Get better. Seems that my getting better involves me killing people with my skin. Jubilee told me that before I could control this, I couldn't touch anyone."
Logan nodded. "Yeah. You wore long gloves and kept your skin pretty covered up."
"So I can't touch anyone."
"I heal."
She looked at him questioningly.
"So if you touch me, I can come back from it better than other people. You can touch me, Marie."
There was so much love in those huge brown eyes of his. Marie wasn't sure if it was just his ability to relay his feelings through a look or if it had something to do with their previous connection, as Jubilee had called it. He would never be afraid of her.
"Well, let's just hope I figure out a way to control it. Because, I've gotta be honest, I'd rather not have any more memories of being tortured like a lab rat."
"Aw, fuck, Marie. You went through that once already, sorry you got 'em again."
"They weren't that bad. Just flashes, really. But you've got claws? I mean, what the hell?"
He put his hand up and allowed the metal to slide out from in between his knuckles, not caring that he would have to endure the pain one more time.
"Don't. I know that it hurts when they come out."
The memory of that conversation in Logan's camper flashed through both Logan and Marie's minds and, in unison, they spoke the next words.
"Every time."
They laughed softly and Marie wiped the tears from her eyes.
"It's alright…about your memories, I mean. The other images of…well…" She was blushing. A lot. "…us…make up for it."
Logan felt himself flush with desire at the idea that she'd seen those memories. Control. He needed to maintain control.
"Right. Yeah. Those are…good."
Both of them were warm now and Logan pulled his arm away in order to prevent him from giving in to the impulse to throw Marie on the ground and make new memories for her.
He looked down and saw that her bare feet were freshly healed from the scratches and puncture wounds she'd received while running. "Let me carry you back, Marie. Your healin' factor will probably help but your skin is pretty fresh and your feet are gonna hurt like a bitch if you try and walk."
She laughed softly, her nose still stuffed from crying. "Oh, swell, a piggy back ride."
"Yeah, well if you're a good girl, I'm sure the doctor will give you a lollipop."
Logan stood up and put his hand under her elbow to help her up. She pulled the hood over her bald head and he took her into his arms, instead of hoisting her onto his back. He wanted to experience the feel of her next to him. This would be one memory he would burn into his mind. Especially if it was going to be the last time he would ever be this close to her again.
~oOo~
Scott left his calculus students to work on their own after he saw Rogue running out to the woods with Logan close behind. He made it halfway to the med lab when he ran into Jean in the hallway. Literally.
"Oh, Scott! I'm sorry, I didn't see you!"
"Jean, no, it's my fault, I was in such a hurry…"
They stood for a moment, Scott's hands on Jean's upper arms, their bodies closer together than they had been in almost two years. Scott took a step backward and dropped one arm to his side while the other went up and cupped the back of his neck.
"I should know better than to barrel around a corner like that in this place. There's always someone coming the other direction."
Jean smiled, trying not to look wounded that she knew the reason for his running down to the med lab.
"You were worried about Rogue."
His head shot up and she could tell he was searching her face. They'd been together long enough for her to know how he was feeling even though his eyes were hidden behind his ever present glasses.
"Well, yeah, she bolted out to the woods with Logan hot on her heels. I figured something happened."
"She touched Logan and her powers came back."
"They did?"
"Well, not all of them…at least not yet. But she touched him, screamed and then ran out of the lab. From what I picked up from her, she was just scared and overwhelmed. I'm sure she just needs some time."
"Her memories?"
"No, I don't think those came back. If they did, I'm sure she would have reacted differently."
"Oh. Right."
She watched him as he processed this information. Jean knew Scott. He was weighing the different options, wondering what his next step should be, how to react to this new situation. He was always the leader, always the analyst.
"I doubt she'll be all that long. You could come back down later. I'm sure she'd be happy to see you."
Scott regarded Jean's soft and gentle smile. Two years ago, he would have done absolutely anything to see that look on her face; to hear her speak to him with kindness rather than bitterness and anger. With the Phoenix gone from her psyche, the Jean he knew was back. But now there was Rogue. The woman he longed for who now had no memories of her connection to Logan.
"Jean, this is…"
"Really damn awkward, Scott."
"Well…yeah."
Jean shifted her hips and brought the file folder she was holding up to her chest and crossed her arms.
"I know you have feelings for Rogue. I can't blame you, Scott, she's really an incredible woman. I know that I totally screwed things up for us…"
"It wasn't you, Jean, it was the Phoenix."
"Well, however it happened, I know you moved on and, yeah, it hurts, but I'll be okay. I just want you to be happy." She stepped forward and put her hand on Scott's cheek. "Just be careful, alright? Rogue already chose Logan once and I don't want you to get your heart broken again. I care about you too much."
Jean moved back and smiled again. She took a few steps and disappeared around the corner, the sound of her heels echoing on the stairway.
Scott had convinced himself for the longest time that Jean and he were just never meant to be. That she'd finally gotten over their 'golden couple' image and wanted to move on. But in the last week, he'd found out that Jean had never wanted to end their relationship and their last two encounters had left him with the lingering feeling that she still loved him.
The question remained; did he want to pursue the love of a woman who already chose another man or reclaim the love of a woman who never left his heart completely?
~oOo~
An hour after her foray into the woods, Marie sat once again under the bright lights and ever watchful gaze of Hank McCoy.
"Did you have a good nature walk, my dear?"
The laughter erupted from deep inside her chest.
"Hank, I'll bet you don't get enough credit for your sense of humor."
"You know, it does seem that people take me far too seriously. Which is rather ironic considering I resemble a much larger version of the Cookie Monster."
Marie roared with laughter again.
Charles Xavier wheeled into the med lab and couldn't help chuckling along with Marie despite the fact that he had no idea what was so funny. He simply enjoyed the fact that Rogue sounded happy. He had a feeling that was going to be better medicine than anything Hank or Jean could do.
"It is so good to see you cheerful again, Marie."
She wiped a small tear from her eye. "Oh, Charles, you have got to get this man a stage and a microphone. He would kill in a comedy club."
Hank winked at the professor. "She gives me far too much credit. But it is appreciated nonetheless."
Marie smiled at the doctor, glad to feel that she was making friends.
"So, what brings you to my corner of the world, professor?"
"Well, I heard about the incident this morning and wanted to check and see how you were doing."
That's what they call it, you know. 'The incident'. As if they can't bring themselves to say what it was. Murder. I'm a murderer now, Logan.
Once again, the voice crept up the back of her mind, teasing with her own words and taunting her with a memory that would not make itself known.
Charles felt Marie tense. "What is wrong, child?"
"It was my voice. Like a whisper in my head. It had to be a memory."
"That is possible. Your healing factor and your primary mutation have returned. It is possible that you will recover your memories as well, but with the amount of trauma you sustained, it may take a long time." He moved his chair to the side of her bed. "I'd be more than happy to try and help you again, Marie."
"I know. Thank you. But I think I'm done being poked, touched and inspected for a while."
Hank spoke up. "It has been a very long day for you, Marie. As your doctor, I am prescribing a good night's sleep. There will be ample opportunity for you to look for more answers tomorrow."
Charles nodded. "Yes, yes. As always, Hank is correct. Get some rest now."
Marie smiled as Xavier turned his chair around and glided almost silently out the door. She sighed as the exhaustion washed over her.
"I'm going to turn out my lights, Hank. Thanks for everything today."
"You're quite welcome, my dear. Either myself or Jean will be here during the night in case you should need anything."
"Even a midnight snack?"
"We draw the line at 3am pastrami sandwiches."
Marie giggled again. "Night Dr. McCoy."
"Goodnight, Marie."
~oOo~
Logan walked into the lab only to see the door to Marie's small room closed and the lights off.
"She's asleep, Logan."
In that moment, Hank thought Logan appeared more like a kicked puppy than a fierce Wolverine. It made him chuckle, knowing that a man who would tear apart his enemy with such ruthless abandon could be so completely lost to the petite woman behind the door.
"Aw…damn…I brought her somethin' to eat." Logan held out the tray of food as if he now had no idea what to do with it.
"That was kind of you. We can save it for her in case she wakes up."
Logan put the tray on an empty spot on the counter and stood for a moment, turning around and leaning back against the cabinets.
"How's she doin', Blue?"
Hank removed his glasses. "She seems to be doing alright physically. Her primary power is still intact and she cannot control it, much to her dismay. But it is a curious point regarding her healing factor. It was a mutation she acquired after touching you so, technically, it should not have appeared until later, as her powers began to resurface."
"Hank, bottom line it for me, please."
"There is no rhyme or reason to her condition. I have no idea if the Phoenix will resurface, if she will regain control of her skin, whether her memories will reappear…I just don't know. There is nothing I can do for her medically…now it's all up to her."
~oOo~
Pain. Pain and fear and anger. She arises out of a tank filled with water, screaming, raging…uncontrollable. As she stands, naked and dripping wet, her body feels heavy, the weight disorienting. Her throat is raw as the cries rip from her throat and her hands come up, clenching into fists as she waves them in front of her face.
In an instant, the metal claws eject from in between her knuckles, reflecting in the bright lights of the laboratory. She sees her blood coated over the shining surface and the pain sears through her hands and up her arms. She feels nausea and blind panic. Jumping out of the tank, the monitor wires rip and she hears shouting. Soldiers charge and she dispatches them one at a time, feeling the satisfaction of each kill. The scent of their death inflames her, pushes her, gives her purpose.
She runs, impaling and beheading those who get in her way before…there…a door. She pushes it and the bright sunlight blinds her. She is free….
~oOo~
Logan was about to walk out of the infirmary when Marie's blood curdling screams filled his ears. Hank and Logan rushed to her door and slid it open. The doctor turned on the lights, only to see Marie kneeling in her bed, looking at her hands, her eyes wild and unfocused.
"Marie!" The scent of her terror is so pungent it burns Logan's nostrils. "Marie! You're alright! Wake up!"
She held out her hands, searching for the blades, looking for any indication of their presence.
Logan moved forward slowly, his hands outstretched, wanting to touch her shoulder, to comfort her like she's comforted him so many nights after his nightmares stormed through his mind.
"Baby, you're okay. Everythin' is fine."
Her eyes meet his and her anger and fear are evident even to Hank.
"Don't you fucking touch me." Marie put her hand out in front of her. "I had flashes of it earlier but this…this was so fucking real. The claws…the pain…the smell of the blood…the sound of the metal ripping through their flesh." She had to stop, her shaking hands moving to her chest in a vain attempt to calm her pounding heart.
"I'm sorry, darlin'." He was sorrier than she would ever know. Chalk it up on the list of ways he'd failed the woman he loved.
"Is this what I'm going to become? If I get my powers back? My memories? I heard myself tell you I'd murdered someone? Is that who I was? A murderer? Did I enjoy killing people?"
She looked frantically from Logan to Hank and the two men shook their heads vigorously. Hank's deep voice was gentle and soothing.
"No, my dear. Quite the opposite. You were fantastically strong and an amazing fighter but you were no murderer. You only did what you had to do to protect your teammates…your friends."
Logan moved forward again, wanting so desperately to cradle her in his arms as he'd done countless times when she'd been woken from one of his dreams.
"Marie."
"No. You have to go. I can't see you. I can't look at you." She turned on her side and lay down, curling her legs up to her chest. Marie's voice hitched as she tried to control her tears.
"Please just go."
With those soft words, Logan's entire world ripped away.
~oOo~
Jubilee had come to sit with Marie for the rest of the night. She'd finally gotten Marie to eat something and then Jubilee had joined her in the bed where she stroked the traumatized woman's back until she'd fallen asleep. Hank had given Marie some medication to help calm her and, hopefully get her to rest, but only after Marie had fought the idea, dreading the possibility of experiencing another nightmare.
Once Marie was soundly asleep, Jubilee crept from the bed, stepped outside her room and shut the door. She ran her hands through her hair and leaned against the wall.
"She's finally asleep?"
Jubilee rubbed her neck and nodded. "I'm really worried about her, Hank."
Hank. She called him Hank. Jubilee had used his actual name. There was something endearing about the fact that the young woman who'd always called him some variation of 'Blue' was feeling serious enough to use his first name.
"I know, Jubilation. I am as well."
"Is there anything I can be doing for her right now? I feel so flipping useless just sitting around, waiting for her to have some psychotic break or something." She crossed the room and stood next to him at his lab table.
The large doctor smiled. "I highly doubt Marie will experience anything so serious. She is an extraordinarily powerful woman, Jubilee. I suspect that her suppression of the Phoenix entity has simply pushed her into a psychological cocoon, for lack of a more scientific term."
"So you think her mind is just healing up, waiting for the right time?"
"Yes, I do."
"Ugh, I hate waiting. So is there something I can do in here? I am on my way to becoming a brilliant genetic scientist, you know."
Jubilee turned to him and gave Hank one of her special raised eyebrow smirks when it hit her how striking Hank's smile was. Despite his bright blue fur, she could still make out the details of his face. He was a handsome man.
"You're not on your way to anything, Jubilation, you are already brilliant...and beautiful."
Jubilee smiled shyly, genuinely flattered by his compliment. Her pale face turned a light shade of red.
Did she just blush? She did. Jubilee blushed. He'd just flirted with the vivacious young lady standing next to him. And, to his surprise, he liked the idea of flirting with her a great deal. Indeed.
~oOo~
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Author's Chapter Notes:
I can't thank you enough for all the wonderful reviews. I'm so glad you all are enjoying this journey I'm taking with Rogue and Logan. :)