The sun crept through the trees as night gave way to morning. Briskly cold air rushed past Marie's cheeks as she ran along the narrow trail that encircled Xavier's property. She pushed herself to move faster; her fear and anger the only fuel for her body. Marie's breath came rapidly and her thighs burned from the exertion.
He knows.
The small voice echoed through Marie's head. She tried to ignore it by sprinting forward and was felled by a cramp in her calf. Marie jolted to a stop.
"Fuck!"
She cursed because of the pain as well as her weakness. Logan knows. She dreaded their next encounter - she knew that despite her protestations to him, Logan would not back down. Marie didn't know if she could bear to reveal the details of what had happened. For too long she'd tried to bury the memory and the idea of recalling it - especially to Logan - made her stomach churn.
Marie sat on the path and looked up. She was at the edge of the massive back lawn; the early morning light cast a welcoming glow on the mansion. It had once been a place of safety for Marie – shelter from the outside world, her past…her demons. But it had gradually felt more like a penitentiary. Too many people – too many chances to hurt someone.
These early morning runs gave her time away from the house and allowed her to feel normal if only for an hour. There was no one to shrink from her touch. No one to cautiously observe her covered hands as if they would suddenly explode at any moment. She could get away from the ever-present prison that was her body. In these times by herself she fantasized about what it would be like not to be judged or feared.
The way people judged her.
The way her teammates feared her.
The way she feared...everything.
She'd managed to push the anxiety down far enough that she could function day to day, but it remained just below the surface, ready to overwhelm her if she allowed it to break free. Marie stood up and sighed. She didn't want to be afraid anymore but after what Cody had done, and what Victor had tried to do, Marie couldn't stand the thought of having someone close to her – physically or emotionally.
In the beginning, it was fairly easy to stay aloof. The students were afraid of her so they tended to steer clear. Bobby was interested enough to try a relationship but he could never get past the fact that he couldn't touch Marie. That was true for all of the men at the school – especially, it seemed, Logan. He always remained friendly but never showed any indication that he could possibly be interested in the girl who couldn't touch. Who could blame him, really? Logan was a man of passion and here she was, clothed from neck to toenail virtually 24 hours a day. No, Logan deserved someone who could be there for him in every way…and that wasn't her.
So, partly due to loneliness and partly due to her patience wearing thin, she'd given in to Remy's relentless pursuit. Marie knew it was really the challenge that drove him, but it was still nice to have someone interested enough to put forth the effort. As time wore on, Remy had begun to push Marie more into trying to control her mutation – as the Professor suggested was possible. Marie had begun to fear what would happen if she were able to control her power. She could be vulnerable. That wasn't going to happen. She would never let herself be weak again.
Marie began to walk across the expansive lawn when she saw a figure sitting on the patio. She squinted and then let out a low groan when she realized who it was.
"Morning sunshine!"
Jubilee's voice shattered the peaceful morning silence. Marie chuckled and kept walking, closing the distance until she was face to face with an overly perky Jubilation Lee. Great.
"Mornin' Jubes."
Jubilee's neck craned forward and her eyes squinted in concentration.
"You look like shit, chica."
Jubilee and Marie had been best friends since Marie arrived at the Xavier School. There was something about Jubilee's no bullshit attitude that provided a comfort and safety for Marie. With Jubilee, she didn't have to hide or pretend to be someone she wasn't. But, some days, Marie wished Jubilee didn't know her quite so well. Today was one of those days.
Marie sat on a lounge chair and put her head back.
"Thanks so much."
"Oh, shut up. You know I love you. You're not sleeping again, are you?"
"I'll sleep when I'm dead."
"Based on the depth of the circles under your eyes, I'd bet that will be in about a week."
Marie shrugged and closed her eyes. Jubilee became more serious.
"More nightmares?"
Marie nodded.
"You need to see the Professor, Roguey."
"No."
"He'll help you. You need to talk about it."
Marie sat up immediately and put her head in her hands.
"Goddamnit. All of you just need to back the hell off."
"All of us? Who is 'all of us'?"
Marie lay back again, huffing in frustration.
"You. Logan. Remy. You won't shut up about me 'talking'."
"Logan? When did Logan enter this equation?"
"Last night. He heard me having a nightmare. Busted my lock and sat in my room all night."
"Really."
Marie turned her head and looked at her best friend. At least Jubilee had the presence of mind not to smile but she certainly looked pleased with herself.
"What, Jubilee."
Jubilee pursed her lips and moved her shoulders up and down.
"He's a friend." Marie persisted.
"That must be a great trip you're on."
Marie's eyebrows knitted together in confusion.
"What?"
"Your cruise down the river of denial."
"Shut it, Sparky."
"That man loves you, Rogue."
Marie sat forward again, shifting her legs so that they hung over the side of the lounge chair and hit the ground. She looked Jubilee in the eyes.
"That man has blown me off for almost two years. Anyway, he's got no use for someone he can't even touch."
"That is such bullshit. You were with Remy, idiot. Wolvie may have been a player with Jean but he would never hurt you. He backed off because he thought that's what you needed. He's just as much of a chicken as you are."
"I'm not a…"
"Yes you are. Don't try the brave little woman act with me because I know you too well. You use that skin of your as a cocoon to shield yourself from everyone. You're afraid that if you could control your power and touch someone that they'd hurt you like Cody. Well, not every man is a deviant asshole."
Marie loved Jubilee but sometimes she felt like her friend just didn't understand how truly isolating it was to be someone who was at war with her own body.
"But I can't control it, Jubilee. And I almost killed Logan twice. Twice. There's no way that he would risk that again. And I couldn't risk hurting him."
"So you're afraid of hurting him and he's afraid of hurting you. Jesus, you two deserve each other."
Marie chuckled humorlessly.
"Probably. But that doesn't mean we're right for each other."
"You're more right for each other than any two people I know."
Marie sighed and stood up. "You want to be the mutant cupid? I'm gonna go get something to eat. Later."
Jubilee shifted and got up, putting her hand on Marie's shoulder. "I didn't just come here to nag you about your love life. The Prof wants us in the briefing room. We get to go play."
A mission. Great timing. It would give Marie a chance to get her mind off of Logan, Remy and her nightmares.
"Super. If we're lucky, maybe you'll get to blow something up."
"Probably not. Simple recon this time."
"Peachy. Who's up?"
"You, me and Kitster."
Marie laughed.
"Great, she'll probably want to get mani pedis on the way."
"Well, your feet are looking a bit ragged, chica."
"Shut up, Jubes."
Jubilee snickered and followed her friend inside.
oOo
Logan stood to the side of the patio, his unlit cigar in his hand. He'd come downstairs after Marie had left, wanting some time to think on what he should do next. Logan's instinct told him to fight for her – drag her to the Professor and get her help. He felt so impotent just sitting by and waiting for Marie to accept support from him – or anyone.
He was about to step around the corner of the building when he heard Marie and Jubilee talking.
"That man has blown me off for almost two years. Anyway, he's got no use for someone he can't even touch."
Is that what Marie thought? That he didn't want her because he couldn't touch her? Goddamnit.
"That is such bullshit."
You tell her, Jubes.
"You were with Remy, idiot. Wolvie may have been a player with Jean but he would never hurt you. He backed off because he thought that's what you needed. He's just as much of a chicken as you are."
Hey now.
"I'm not a…"
"Yes you are. Don't try the brave little woman act with me because I know you too well. You use that skin of your as a cocoon to shield yourself from everyone. You're afraid that if you could control your power and touch someone that they'd hurt you like Cody. Well, not every man is a deviant asshole."
Oh, shit. That's what it was really about. Marie's skin was her shield and that shield was the only thing that could prevent someone from hurting her again.
"But I can't control it, Jubilee. And I almost killed Logan twice. Twice. There's no way that he would risk that again. And I couldn't risk hurting him."
I'd risk everything for you, Marie.
"So you're afraid of hurting him and he's afraid of hurting you. Jesus, you two deserve each other."
Jubes, you're a piece of work.
"Probably. But that doesn't mean we're right for each other."
"You're more right for each other than any two people I know."
I owe you, Firecracker.
Logan knew that he was going to have to work at proving to Marie that they were right for each other - that he would be there for her no matter what. Today he would tell Marie what she needed to hear. Today Logan would be the man Marie deserved.
He was pulled from his thoughts by Marie's words.
"...maybe you'll get to blow something up."
"Probably not. Simple recon this time."
The last few sentences of their conversation were lost as Logan's gut twisted at the memory of Marie's battered body after she'd returned from her last assignment. Seeing her like that had torn him up inside. Simple recon was rarely ever simple. She needed to be safe. Logan couldn't handle the thought of losing her. Especially now.
oOo
Logan was standing outside the briefing room when Jubilee, Marie and Kitty walked out. His deep brown eyes were locked on hers. Marie's step faltered slightly as she met Logan's gaze. She should be mad at him for intruding last night. He cared enough about you to break the door. She should hit him for what he'd said to her in the locker room. You saw the fear in his eyes. That little voice in Marie's head always asserted itself at the most inopportune times. Marie turned to Jubilee, hoping she would intervene and tell Logan they were in a rush.
Jubilee coughed. "Right, so Kits and I will get our stuff and meet you in the garage. Later Wolvie."
Some help she was.
Marie stopped and moved to the side of the hallway. She leaned against the wall and crossed her arms. Logan approached and took up the space next to her so both of them rested against the dark, wood paneling.
"Scooter said you three are doin' some recon."
"Yeah. Simple in and out."
Silence lingered for a moment while Logan tried to sort through what to say first. He decided to just start with the most important thing.
"I'm sorry, Marie."
Two years of buried feelings began to well up inside his chest. There were so many damn things he needed to say. So many things she needed to know.
"I know that doesn't make up for me bein' an asshole, but I am sorry."
"Me too."
He pushed himself off the wall and turned to face her. Logan placed his hands on the wall, framing her body with his arms. He was so close.
"When you get back, we're gonna talk. And I mean a long talk. We've wasted too much fuckin' time, Marie. And I'm not wastin' any more."
She saw the movement of his hand out of the corner of her eye and her body tensed. Logan brought his fingers up and intertwined them into her hair. He moved his palm, covered by Marie's hair, and cupped her cheek. Logan moved his face so that he was a breath away from her lips.
"I know you're goin' through some serious shit, Marie. That doesn't scare me. What does is the thought of not bein' with you."
Marie trembled. Her teenage crush, the man who she'd loved since the day he'd begrudgingly allowed her into his camper had finally told her what she'd wanted to hear for seven years. Marie wasn't prepared for how terrified she was.
"I don't know if I can."
She felt his thumb move across her veiled cheek.
"You can, Marie. We can."
She took a breath and was rewarded with Logan's unique scent filling her nose. Marie loved that smell.
"There's a lot I have to deal with right now, Logan. You don't need…"
"I need you, goddammit."
Marie's eyes snapped up and she searched his face. She was met with the truth in Logan's eyes. She thought of Jubilee's words, asserting that Logan loved her and hope sparked inside her. Maybe they could have something. Just maybe.
"I can't promise anything. But I'm willing to talk."
"I'll take it."
He put his arm down and pulled her to his chest, her uncovered face resting on his t-shirt. Once again, his smell soothed her raw nerves and his arms held her tightly against his solid body. Marie felt his torso rumble as he spoke.
"So be safe and don't do anything stupid again."
Marie chuckled softly.
"Asshole."
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Author's Chapter Notes:
We're moving this train toward some serious stuff, gang. I'd love to know what you think.
Props to doctorg for her continued help.
Props to doctorg for her continued help.
Chapter End Notes:
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