It was close to dawn when they finally arrived to the settlement. Marketplace was slowly filling with tents and makeshift counters that were nearly crumbling under the weight of the goods merchants were selling.
“Are you in a hurry?” Marie asked. Logan shrugged his shoulders.
“Not particularly. Guys I traveled with are already used to this…”
“Damsel in distress and Logan rides to rescue?” Marie asked, masking the disappointment in her voice with a cough.
“No. I need my space. It’s safer to travel in caravan, but every now and then I stay behind. When all that noise and life gets too much I take a few days off and catch up with them later.”
“Oh… I was just thinking that I could do some shopping while we are in here. We make by just fine on our own, but there are some things you can’t make yourself, and I’m not about to give up on them,” Marie explained.
“Fine. Can I trust you to stay out of trouble if I go and get that pulse cannon while you shop?” Logan asked with a serious tone.
“Hey!” Her hackles rose instantly. Was he hinting that she was some sort of helpless nitwit? Then she saw Logan’s lips curl to a lopsided grin.
“Just teasing. See you in an hour, that okay?” Logan asked. She nodded.
When she returned to the truck an hour later, carrying various bags and pouches Logan was already waiting for her, sitting on the hood of the truck and puffing a cigar.
“Need a hand with those?” He asked, grabbing a bag that was slipping out from her grasp.
“Thanks! I usually come here with Sam, but it’s better that I learn to do this by myself now…” She grunted, hefting her purchases to the back of the truck. Logan followed her and added the bag he had taken to the pile.
“What do you mean?” He asked.
“Sam’s going to became a soldier. He’s been talking about it for years now. Got tired of hearing him nagging about it every fucking day. Promised he could go. I believe he’s leaving as soon as he heals up,” Marie said, stretching her back and gazing the buzzing crowd around them.
“Like hell he is. I can save him the trouble and cripple him for good, then he won’t have to leave home to experience that pleasure,” Logan barked.
“No. Sam’s a big boy. He needs to make his own mistakes.”
“What about you? You’ll be alone…”
“Logan, I have been alone all my life. I can take care of myself. I’m not that naïve kid you met twenty years ago. She died in that cell.” Marie’s words made him cringe and comb his fingers through the thick mane of his hair.
“You think I haven’t beaten myself over what happened back there? Well, I guess it’s only fair to let you get few licks of the blood, too…”
“That’s not what I meant. I was scared. I’m still scared of you. But what happened, it happened. You didn’t want to do it, but it kept us both alive.”
“What the fuck were you doing there anyway?” Logan snarled, still on the edge.
“I worked in a bar. Owner of that place knew that I was a mutant. His daughter had been a mutant, too. He gave me a ring that was supposed to hide my mutation. It didn’t work. When I put it on… Well, he had asked his friend to do that ring for his daughter, to keep her safe from the Army. That friend wasn’t too clever. He had gotten an old suppression collar from somewhere and he had used it to make that ring. As soon as I put it on my finger, it activated the tracking device and they caught me. As soon as they found out what my mutation was they carted me to that center. It wasn’t like I had the freedom to choose!” She finished her story and stomped angrily past him, climbing to the truck. Logan opted to stay outside, taking long drags from the cigar, inhaling the aromatic smoke until he could feel it swirling at the bottom of his lungs. Of course she hadn’t had any options. Nobody had back then. But in the cell she hadn’t been collared. She could have stopped him. She could have if she had bothered to learn how to use the mutation she gained at the Free Zone. One small cold cloud of blue dust, and there would have been left only the adamantium frame of his skeleton, not much good to anything else but to serve maybe as a coat rack.
“You got everything you need?” Logan asked when he climbed in. She just nodded and turned on the engine. She didn’t trust her mouth to speak out loud. Who the hell knew what would come out next. Logan was obviously pissed off already. Better just stay quiet and return to home. He could take his truck and go. Life would return to normal. She would fight with Sam occasionally, but at least she wouldn’t be this disgustingly scared and insecure anymore once Logan left.
“You don’t have to be afraid of me,” Logan suddenly said.
“I hate the scent of it on you. Makes me sick.”
“You don’t get sick. And I can’t help it. I know it wasn’t… I know that you were pretty messed up back then, and that you wouldn’t do it anymore. I thought I had already gotten over it, but seeing you made it all come back to me. I can’t just stop it. I can’t just decide not to be afraid, when first thing that comes to my mind when I see you is that I should run and hide before you hurt me again.”
“Well, I’m not planning to make any moves at you. Don’t even know if I could get it up anymore…” Logan grunted lighting another cigar from the stub of the one he smoked earlier.
“What?”
“You think it was some sort of joyride for me? To rape you? To get strapped down and get my fucking innards sucked out through my cock? Haven’t felt like a good idea to have sex after that little trip to hell.” He rolled down the window to let out the smoke. Marie kept her gaze fixed to the road ahead. She didn’t want to listen anymore. Maybe Logan would keep quiet if she pretended to ignore him.
One reason why she had clung so tightly to the feeling of fear was that she used it to replace the horrible empty space him being gone had left inside of her. It was cold and lonely. World was big and scary, but if she turned that fear around, directed it to Logan instead of the rest of the world, she could keep going. She couldn’t let go of it now. Logan was leaving. It was better to keep on fearing him, than to admit that she needed somebody, maybe Logan to fill up the empty and silent patch she had stumbled upon after she had thought that he had been killed. She couldn’t do it if he kept talking. Every bit of information she had gotten from him had diminished the fear, made her see the man instead of the animal.
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