Arms of an Angel (Soundtrack series (2/?) )
SacredMacha
NotMySight at aol.com
Summary : what some consider a curse, others find a blessing
genre : song fic
Category: AU
Disclaimer : I'm laying off the whiskey. We'll see if I should just give in to the lure of Jack. I own nothing. Woe is me. Unbetad, so I could post before over thinking.
I had spent fifteen years searching, looking for any scrap or trace of the man I had been. Wanting, craving something to cling to when the nightmares dragged me from sweaty sheets to prowl around, fingers rubbing between my knuckles, where it itched. I couldn't find anything to tell me who I had been, other than maybe a man who worked hard, kept fit. My body told me that, even after I spent a night punishing myself, indulging my inner masochist and sadist at once, giving and receiving pain.
In truth, I was just waiting for a second chance. Something that would be worth working towards, working for. A person, a place, a purpose, that would be worth my sweat, my frustrations, my blood. I'd give it everything in my body that by rights should have been battered, but without a mark to show. I found it in the most unlikely of places, in the least likely of faces.
I'd seen her, all wide eyes and her pretty mouth agape, when I was fighting in the cage, not quite man or beast. Though I hadn't taken the time to not much else, I had the time later. The beast in me saw the fear, smelled it, mixed with the false bravado that covered the true bravery it took for a girl that age to sit there. Brave, unmarked female, and the beast in me wanted to make its mark. But the man in me prevailed, taking her age into account. I admired the fact she'd made it this far and could still look so innocent, dark eyes like aged brandy watching me from under the edge of that hood. What the beast wanted now, I knew would only get sweeter, like a berry when it ripens. So I let myself get distracted, ignoring the signs of danger. Just picturing what the years would polish on her...
It was her scream that made the claws come out. That mix of terror, fear, and just a hint of smothered anger, hit me hard and sent the Wolverine snarling into dominance. After, it was the wideness of her eyes, the way her breathing seemed to be clogged in her throat, that made me stalk out, the man wrestling with the Wolverine over leaving one lone little girl alone.
Then the little minx slipped herself into my trailer. Lucky for her I figured out something was off, before she froze her fool, hardheaded self to death. Even then, that would have made the beast mourn for something it recognized inside of her. Hell had broken loose then and kitty litter breath had shown up and rendered me useless to her.
Yet she hadn't resented me for a moment, eyes lighting up when she saw me up and around again. That look had puzzled me, after all, I hadn't done much but offer her a lift, keep her from freezing, rudely toss her some tough old jerky to eat. Now she had landed in the lap of luxury, like a kitten wandering into the creamery, but she still wanted my company. I figured I'd give Chuck his couple of days, and ride hell for leather before the beast got the better of me and I possibly broke some laws with a certain southern belle who looked at me like she'd melt in my mouth. I flirted with Jean to distract myself, like an idiot.
The first time Rogue touched me, I had been totally unprepared. It had hurt, because I'd been afraid. Horrified, that I had just killed the only person I had felt a connection with, a real connection, not just a sweaty physical one, since I woke up all those years ago. Even when I woke up, I didn't have a full appreciation of the blessing she had given me, how she had become my personal angel.
It took being on top of that statue, my heart breaking and the beast in me howling, to face it all. How I had been lying, using lies and bluffs to fill in the holes, so no one knew why I needed Rogue... Marie only to me. I had truly thought that keeping her alive was more than worth giving up my own life. I found the irony in the fact the woman child I held in my arms would finally be able to accomplish what I had secretly wanted to do before she'd shown up... I could escape it, my own madness. I could die with honor and give her all the love I held inside of me and no one would call it dirty or wrong, because sacrifice would make it noble.
My angel of mercy, my angel of death. Marie was my angel, making the madness seep from me, giving me a beautiful release. She let me be empty and weightless, sent me into the darkness of peace with her touch. It was good, it was right, and I had found that second chance..something worth living and dying for. Marie. My compassionate confessor, forgiving me my sins by taking them all away from me, and finding it in herself to live.
Of course, it didn't quite work out that way. She lived...but so did I. Waking up, sure I'd wake up in Purgatory at best, only to see Jean... talking about Rogue being taken with me... and misunderstanding what I meant about my heart belonging to someone else. It did, it belonged to Marie, not Rogue. I'd changed the subject so quickly on Jean because I didn't want to make her feel badly that it wasn't her I wanted. Nothing so bad about Jean, really, but she wasn't for me. Fine to flirt with, but not the girl I wanted to fix as mine.
So I waited, ...watched, waited some more. Watched her take her second chance, as bad as it might have started off with having me in her head... I got to watch her live. Really live, not just bop from day to day like so many of the kids did, sure of their own teenaged immortality. Marie had died, had survived, and took none of it for granted. I won't lie, it made me proud to see her, so strong, so smart, so full of love, even hampered by her mutation as she was. So many facets, like a diamond just starting to be cut and polished, as she got to be leaving her teenaged years behind.
I started watching her more closely, having to grit my teeth as she used all her tricks, playing me by using what there was inside her head of me. Subtle scents, colors she wore.... my girl was smart, even if she was in denial that she was my girl yet. So I sat back and watched, letting her find herself, watching each piece of the puzzle that was Marie snap into place, closing the holes her mutation had left in her growing up. Watched her play and toy with men at the bars I took her too, dancing so close to them, when she'd never even ask me once. I'm not much for dancing, but she knows I can't tell her no.
So,... I took it. Against what odds anyone might have given me, meaning Scott, I held my part, and kept myself back. I walked her to her room every night. A squeeze of her hand, before it would lift to pat me on the cheek, and then that quick brush of her lips too fast to let her mutation latch onto mine. I stood there, night after night, letting her step over that line into her room, watching her look at me over her shoulder, as that door swung shut to block her from my sight.
I could have gone in. I could have knocked, or just busted the door in. But I couldn't just walk into Marie's heart, and that was what I wanted. It was all too complicated for me to even puzzle out all at once. She had to let me in, step back from the threshold and trust me.
Finally, one night I'd just had enough. Her little yellow clad buddy there, Ju Ju bee or whatever her name is, was getting all sloppy over how she thinks how some animals mate for life. My eyes moved to Marie like she was the magnet to my gaze. I could see her looking back at me, doe eyes half hidden under white strands. Dragging the cigar out of my mouth, I just let the words come, without giving too much thought to how they would sound.
" Way it should be, when you find the one person that makes everything worth it. The one that makes it worth giving up anyone else that could ever cross your path. The one that makes you want to fly higher, to fight harder, to be the ultimate of all your parts. To be your anam cara. " Before I was putting the cigar back, wondering just why I had used that Irish term I'd read in some book once.
Marie had held her seat another moment, before she was up and running for her room. I'd had enough, myself. Enough of her running, and enough of just my own marking time. I went the opposite way, before I just followed her like a hunter its prey, and pounced on her. I couldn't afford to let all of my patience be for nothing. So I went up to my quarters, digging into my jacket, fingers finding that soft little velvet box I'd picked up when I'd headed up north after the statue incident. Opening the box, seeing the spark of deep green set flush in white gold. Even then, I'd kept her gloves in mind, how she could wear it under her gloves, even after I'd left her to be able to grow up without me watching after her, the wolverine in me salivating for her.
Feet led me too her door, a quick rap of knuckles against her door. I could smell the hint of her frustration, even under that vanilla lotion she likes to use on her skin. Lotion she started using all the time after I told her it was nice to not have fake flower scents clogging the air around her. I could sense her surprise, eyes jerking up to my face, she hadn't been expecting me. I held my hand out, watching her eyes drop and lift again, wide with disbelief. Pressing the box into her hand, the briefest of chills from her bare skin against mine. I just watched her face as she took a peek into that box, her scent full of changing emotions... hope, fear, and, thank god, desire.
"I know some people might not think I'm good enough for ya. Worthy of you. I had always hoped you thought different. " Words didn't come out quite like I hoped, and I flinched internally. I had meant to speak to her quietly, trying to talk her around to it. Well hell, I'm not Scott or some pansy to talk pretty. She knew me. I watched her staring at that ring, my muscles tightening with nervous tension before she looked me in the eye.
" Ah don't think you unworthy... Ah need a moment ..this should be somethin' ya think out and deliberate over..." Which only made me shift my weight back on my left foot, arms crossing over my chest as I felt one brow quirk up just a bit. My patience was just about out...just about. She maybe had another minute or two worth from me.
"So think about it, would you? I'm not gettin' any younger, Marie. " Yeah, patience was running out pretty damn quick. She laughed at that, eyeing the ring and me both. It seemed like a year, but I know it was only seconds before she set that box down, took a deep breath and stepped back. I knew what that meant. The Wolverine howled in satisfaction, sure all along she was the one to be its...our, mate. That look she gave me from under lashes all but brought me to my knees, as nervous tension flooded out of me.
" You gonna come in then?" She drawled in a heartbeat before I was inside her room, pressing her face to my chest and burying my face in her hair.
This time, I was the one to close the door. Not to keep us apart, but because we were together. Tonight, I could lay in the arms of my angel .
Angel by S. Maclachlan
Spend all your time waiting
for that second chance
for a break that would make it okay
there's always one reason
to feel not good enough
and it's hard at the end of the day
I need some distraction
oh beautiful release
memory seeps from my veins
let me be empty
and weightless and maybe
I'll find some peace tonight
in the arms of an angel
fly away from here
from this dark cold hotel room
and the endlessness that you fear
you are pulled from the wreckage
of your silent reverie
you're in the arms of the angel
may you find some comfort there
so tired of the straight line
and everywhere you turn
there's vultures and thieves at your back
and the storm keeps on twisting
you keep on building the lie
that you make up for all that you lack
it don't make no difference
escaping one last time
it's easier to believe in this sweet madness oh
this glorious sadness that brings me to my knees
in the arms of an angel
fly away from here
from this dark cold hotel room
and the endlessness that you fear
you are pulled from the wreckage
of your silent reverie
you're in the arms of the angel
may you find some comfort there
you're in the arms of the angel
may you find some comfort here.
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