All I knew part 2 (soundtrack series 3/?)
SacredMacha
NotMySight at aol.com
Rating : R
Summary : Things just don't bode well..
Category : AU/post X3
Genre : Songfic (sorta)
Archine : Sure, just tell me.
Disclaimer : I own nothing but a few bottles of Jim Beam. Unbetad, all blame is mine (and Jim's). And a toast to Wolverine'ess for " So go out and get the muses sloshed and at your service." See what happens when I listen to the devil on my shoulder?
I managed to keep myself from pacing until 'Ro landed the jet. I took a shower and changed, not wanting the months of stink, fear, the day's blood and gore on me when I saw Marie again.
My boots felt almost as if I'd borrowed them from a stranger, tight and chafing at my ankles as my strides took me over the grass. Wintery and cold when I left, now there was summer breathing over the lawn, stirring the scents of the flowers 'Ro tended to.
I could see the lake house, knowing the compact, three room structure from the inside out. I had fixed it up, at Chuck's repeated request. I know he was thinking if the crowdedness of the mansion got to me, this could be an alternative for me. But I had gotten to like having Marie just down the hall, having the room to roam the big house at night, or duck down the stairs into the Danger Room on the nights my nightmares wouldn't let me sleep.
Now it was Marie the little house held isolated, apart from the bigger goings on at the mansion. I knew my girl had only ever wanted to be included, a part of things. She didn't need to feel like the main attraction, she just wanted a part to claim as hers. A space no one but her could fill. This wasn't the space she wanted, the little house I was closing in on.
One of the first things I noticed, was that despite the fact it was a gorgeous day, with breezes that kept everything smelling warm and clean, the drapes were drawn shut, the windows not even cracked. Dark green drapes, ones Marie had picked out, that would keep the sun out and the dull dark in. Heavy fabric she'd picked out, matching it to the couch, picking paint and the dozen other things I knew nothing about. I'd made it safe to inhabit, Marie was the one who had made it seem like a haven.Helping me sand and varnish some of the old furniture to set in there, painting the walls... maybe this was her space, and she just hadn't wanted it then.
Knock on the door wasn't responded to, so I let myself in. I almost gagged on the scent, the drapes keeping in the scent of smoked cigarettes, cigars, beer, bourbon, and a tangle of other things I didn't know half so well to know off hand. Leaving the door open to air the place out, tromping out the back door, out onto the deck that edged out over the water itself. Dull, thunking sounds, sounds I knew well, like my claws biting into a tree, led me out there. Scent of sweat, anger, rage, twisted around the sweet scent of Marie.
I had barely cleared the doorframe out of the house, when that slender little figure, clad in black t-shirt and ragged cuttoffs, turned, wrist snapping. Bone blade biting into my throat, as gasping, ripping sound as it sank in to slice open windpipe. Eyes that weren't the sweet darkness of well aged blackberry brandy gleamed, a perversion of my Marie's smile crossing her face.
"Bullseye. " That voice wasn't even hers, not really. Too much of a rasp, the edges too crisp and lacking her drawl. Even as I dragged that projectile out of my skin, feeling it knitting together again, I took stock of her. Too thin, she'd lost weight. Signs of not sleeping, especially the circles under her eyes. Scent of smoke hovered around her as if she had a lit cancer stick in her mouth, corrupting the lighter scent of her soap, her shampoo.
Eyes batted lashes rapidly, that eerie golden cast leaving her eyes dark again, expression horrified. Hands yanked through her hair, clenching big clumps as she sank to her knees.
" Logan! Oh gawd, sugar,. Ah'm sorry, so sorry. Ah can't... Ah can't control him. He just.. he gets angry and Ah have ta come out here for fear of bustin' up the house with his bone blades and.. Ah never meant ta.." her accent was thick, almost overwhelming her words the way it did when she was upset. I tugged on the gloves I'd slipped into my back pocket before I got closer to her. I hated that she was tainted by this creep who wouldn't let my girl be herself, his habits leaving their mark and pervading her scent with his vices.
"Shh.. Marie, it'll be okay. We'll get through this, like we have before. I'm here, babe, I won't let this hurt you any more than it has. " Leather clad finger tracing along her chin, before I was shoved flat on my ass. It wasn't my Marie standing in front of me anymore.
"No! No, no, no, no and fucking No! " Shouted at me, bare feet making the slapping, shuffling sound as they crossed the wood of the deck before I watched her slam the door.
I hesitated, debating between the logic of the man and the instiact of the animal. Animal won out, shoulder used to bust in that door. Cigarette freshly lit and burning in an ashtray, but no figure of Marie. The bathroom door was shut, so I tried that first. Locked. That one was a little easier to bust open, though I'd have to replace it, after hearing the splintering of the frame as hinges tore from the wood. I could have cared less, seeing what I was. Myself, in a mirror, Marie caught in the reflection of the glass. Guilt peeling away from her expression in layers. Wide brandy eyes, the pupils contracted. Dark circles under her eyes only undercut how pale her skin was, even as she lowered her head to let her hair fall into her face. Trying to hide the hand pressed to her face, under the edge of her nose as she sniffled, wiping away the grains of white that clung to skin just above her lips. I stood there, unnaturally still, trying to process what I was seeing. The small mirror balanced on the edge of the sink, one of the straight edged blades of bone laying on it, covered in a white powder, the same that Marie wiped from her face.
My girl was using cocaine, and no one knew it? I felt something inside me give way, like my heart was plummeting to my feet, and smashing there. Smashing into bits like the mirror, as I swiped it off the sink and into the wall. There was coke on my gloves as I grabbed her, shaking her. I knew I shouldn't knew I could hurt her, but my fury was blinding me. Even as I could hear her sobbing, feel her going weak in my hands, the man lost out to the animal. It wasn't until she was sliding bonelessly to the floor that I stopped.
Vision was slow to focus again, kneeling on tiled floor, floor I had laid myself, with Marie's help. Lashes lay like breaking waves against her cheeks, skin cool as she lay breathing shallowly. I didn't know if it was a natural breakdown of her system, just retreating to unconciousness, or the drugs, or if I had somehow done damage. My heart slowed, almost stilled, as I counted the beat of hers. I didn't dare wait, didn't bother to look for a phone.
Lips pressed to her forehead, that chill along my spine as her skin lashed out with its power to rip some of mine from my cells. Only moments, too brief to be a cure all, but I didn't dare hold on too long. Couldn't risk losing conciousness, not with her so violently unstable, and unsure of herself. I found the phone, and after snarling at Ju Ju Bee, or whatever the hell her name was, wondering what the hell sort of friend she was to Marie, I got Hank on the line, and told him Marie needed him. Now I don't know Hank all that well, but I respected the way he didn't ask dumb questions or hem and haw. Just told me he was on his way, just grabbing his things. How the guys sounds so eternally cheerful even knowing I wasn't asking him to come over and have tea is beyond me. I just knew he was a better choice than Red. Marie and Jeannie had issues, and if I knew anything about the girl called Rogue, she didn't want Jean to see her this way.
Hank came over, I let him him, showed him the vices my girl had been drowning herself in, feeling sick inside, because my fault or not, I hadn't been there. I couldn't have stopped the tequila and bourbon drinking, from the look of empty liter bottles she'd gotten quite a habit. The cigarettes, overflowing ashtrays and empty cartons littering tabletops. The occasional cigar stub, the traces of joints laying among the butts. The cocaine smeared sink, the baggie I showed Hank, who took it before I could flush it. To test to be sure it wasn't laced, he said. He was the doctor, so I let him have it.
He told me he had known Marie was having a hard time assimilating the new presence in her head, but had no idea the process had been so hard on her, vice-ridden and violent. I could smell the regret off of him, and he knew I could. That was when he hit me with the bad news. My mutation could help her get a little stronger, and my presence in her mind could either help or hinder, but we had to cut her off from the drugs and everything altogether. All at once was best, he said. If the voice in her head made her do these things, eliminating them might weaken the hold he had on Marie's mind, and help her to push him back, like she had the others.
The worse news, was that we had to do it where Marie could go through withdrawals, and not kill anyone. Addicts can get violent, incoherently so, even as their systems are trying to regain lost ground. Which meant one thing. Someone had to be here, with Marie, at all times. That meant me, really. Someone hard to kill, someone Marie trusted, someone that could help her in ways that others never understood. I made the decision then and there, with Marie sprawled out, unhealthy and unconcious on the bed.
If Hank had any hesitations, they didn't show. He packed up his honest to god black doctor's bag, and said he'd have some of my clothes sent over, and make sure we were kept fully supplied with food, though she wouldn't wany any for a while, and vitamins and other things, for her and me. I could get by on little sleep perhaps, he said, but I still needed to do my best to be as healthy as I could, for Marie. As an example, a person to lean on, and if I had to touch her.
God it was hard, so hard. Watching her wake up, tied hand and one foot to the bed. Listening to her screams, that voice that I had lived to hear on the phone every day, crying, pleading. When that didn't work, she yelled, cursing me with words I didn't even think she knew. I learned fast enough to only give her plastic glasses, paper plates, so I could stop cleaning up broken glass and plates.Taking her to the bathroom was a humiliating experience for us both. I wouldn't let her up without restraints, and well, that hindered her doing anything. I loved Marie, but this situation was bringing a brutal sense of violating her privacy, and yet intimacy all at once. I wasn't even withdrawing from drugs, and I was sure as hell confused by it.
It did, however, leave a lot of time for talk. Marie, when she was the one running the show in her head, always wanted me close, in the room, talking to her. I found myself telling her things I hadn't even realized myself. About the beautiful sunsets out in Wyoming, the way the roads seemed to go forever there. Things I had seen, and wanted to share with her. I'm not a man for words, but I wound up trying to paint her pictures with adjectives, just to distract her from the hell she was in.
I found out that while the drugs, the drinking, had started with the addition in her head, she'd foind out she liked it. Tequila gave her a heady buzz, that feeling of unreality, and mixed with the cocaine, she'd felt like she could fly. She'd started doing it even when she was the one in the forefront of her mind, using that escape to forget she was shunned, an island unto herself. That she wasn't being let in, a part that was set apart from the rest, always on the edges.
She knew I'd understand the need, the lonliness that had driven her so far beyond what she had set out to be, partly out of her own darkness, and partly because of the voices in her head. I battled the lonliness by fighting in cages, sleeping with women that had become faceless in my memory, women with names I no longer recalled, because they had only mattered for that moment, that night, not being alone for that little while.
Marie didn't even have that.I loved her, sure, and she knew it. She and I had spent many nights laying close, one or the other of us dressed, making each other crazy. But it wasn't the same. There wasn't that immediate feeling of intimacy, sharing everything, letting another person into yourself, sharing that most simple, yet complicated sensations of sharing and pressed skin on skin.
"We'll get there, darlin'. I promise.I know the feelin' of bein' alone. Trust me, and don't keep that on the inside. I'm gonna be here for you. Even if you can't see me. " Those words took a bit of a push to say, and I knew a rush of depression when the eyes in front of me changed, and a torrent of hate and profanity was unleashed at me. I just walked out of the room, doing my best to ignore him, until Marie was in control again. It was all I could do, and what Marie encouraged me to do. I couldn't take it, hearing those words, seeing them twist her mouth.
I'd taken to fixing things when I had to leave Marie alone to become Marie again. I'd found the stashes of coke, all with their own little mirrors attached to the bags with tape. Pot, some pills in a bottle rattling around in a kitchen cupboard. I got rid of them all, silently grieving at the thoughts of what could, and what had, happened to my girl. So many bad things, and I hadn't been here to help her, not at all. I'd been trapped in my own hell, as tied down as she was right now.
I replaced the bathroom door, patched up some minor damage done around the house. All of it happened at a snail's pace, because when Marie was coherently herself, I was right there by her side. Holding her hand, mine shielded with leather gloves, so we didn't have to fuss with hers, with the bonds on her.She hated being tied up, even though she knew why I had to do it. It reminded her of magneto, which always made me want to wince. Another of my failing moments, even if I had managed to save her life, she never should have been in danger to begin with.
Maybe it was the guilt that did it, after she seemed to be better, more in control, herself more often than not. I let her up, perhaps a foolish move. She begged to be allowed to take a bath without me hovering, just to soak and relax. Such a small request, and she'd been struggling so much to regain herself. I thought maybe a bath, submerged in the scented bubbles she uses, would help. After all, I knew just how deeply scent could affect you.
But the sound of running water didn't hide the sound of her searching in the bathroom. I went to the door, pushing it open and leaning against the doorframe, arms crossed over my chest. She looked at me, Marie and yet not, eyes wide with guilt.
" All gone, Marie.All of it. The pills, the powder, the pot. Flushed down the toilet, thrown in the trash. No more, darlin'. Not ever, not for you. Those mirrors aren't your friends, baby. You aren't alone anymore.Step away from that edge. " She looked almost panicked, as I stepped closer. All her skin exposed, and no gloves on my hands. Just a kiss, that was all I gave her. Press of lips on lips until I felt the teeth of her mutation closing on me, then I stepped back, and left her to that bathtub of bubbles.
It took a while, but after the drugs flushed out of her system.. well, Marie's going to be all right. She's gaining weight again, and slowly shoving that newest voice into the background. She's not my girl again, not yet, but I can see her again, slowly coming into focus, a reflection in a mirror losing its haze.
This time, I'm going to be here when she's herself again. Because I know she needs me as much as I need her, and maybe together we can find a way to cast the lonliness out, for good.
Artist: Jude
Song: I know
Album: No One Is Really Beautiful
[" No One Is Really Beautiful " CD]
You've got such a pretty smile
It's a shame the things you hide behind it
Let 'em go
Give it up for a while
Let 'em free and we will both go find it
I know there's nowhere you can hide it
I know the feeling of alone
I know that you do not feel invited
But, come back, come back in from the cold
Step away then from the edge
Your best friend in life is not your mirror
Back away, come
Back away, come
Back away, come
Back away, come
Back away, come
Back away...
I am here and I will be forever and ever and I ...
I know that there's nowhere you can hide it
I know the feeling of alone
Trust me and don't keep that on the inside
Soon you'll be locked out on your own
You're not alone
You're not alone
And don't say you've never been told
I'll be with you 'til we grow old
'Til I'm in the ground and I'm cold
I'm not sitting up here on some throne
I'll be with you 'til we grow up young
Like a dog you can always come home
Dig up a bone
Look around Down baby downtown
Don't throw me to the pound...
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