Closest to Heaven (soundtrack series 5/ 6)
Sacredmacha
notmysight at aol.com
Rating : PG- 13?
Summary - I just wanted him to know who I am
Genre - angsty romance?
Category- post X3/AU
Disclaimer : I don't own the characters, or the song. More the suck.
Archive: Sure!




I was back... well, sort of. No one knew I was even in the state of New York again except Jubilee. My best friend, who had bawled me out when I finally dared call after taking off. She was the one telling me over the phone, through text messages, even Ims when I could get on a computer and online, what everyone was up to. Ok, mostly about Logan, what he was up to, and what he was doing. She was the only one who knew where I was, since I had wisely not taken my cell phone with me, instead getting a prepaid one, so no one got the bright idea of trying to locate my old cell phone via gps and tell Logan where I was. This was something I had felt I had to do, by myself, if I was ever going to stand on my own two feet. I couldn't be with Logan, and be less than a whole woman.

Truth was, I had no intention of setting foot in the mansion. Not just yet, anyhow, and Fate had been kind for once. Jubes told me that once I left, Logan had stormed around the mansion for three days, before he'd packed his stuff. Everyone had been sure he'd be blowing town to go look for me, but he'd taken off for a weekend, come back, and set himself up in that little house by the lake. It made my chest ache, when I'd think about it, think about the time spent there, the good and the downright awful. Me drying out from drugs and alcohol, and Logan, sometimes impatiently and ill concealed restlessness, holding my hand. While the memories were bittersweet, I knew why Logan had gone there. If I was going to fix myself, he was going to put himself in the place he'd gotten to find out about the darker parts of me, things I couldn't have shared before. He was waiting, and somehow that made me feel like my heart was going to snap into two pieces.

When I'd taken off, I'd meant to head west. Instead, I'd just drifted to the south. Not Mississippi, to be sure, but southern enough that my accent was thick again, and I'd been able to have my southern cooking I'd missed up north. I'd taken a job waiting tables, more often clearing them, and managing to avoid being touched. People wondered at my hair, but telling them it happened after I was in an accident, they looked away, embarassed. As far as I was concerned, better they felt embarrassed then find out what I was. I didn't want them knowing, because that meant being treated differently.

I got myself a tiny little apartment, all but a rat hole of a place, that was over a bar that was open until the wee hours. But it was mine, and I got to be alone there, alone to try and accomplish what I'd set out to do. Meditation for hours on end, using techniques Logan had taught me. Patience and more patience, weeks turning into months. More and more I focused, only to discover the best I could do, when I had found myself a friendly mutant neighbor who allowed me to test out my theories in practice, was a few minutes. A few minutes, a precious few minutes, but still not nearly enough.

It was December by the time I made up my mind, Jubilee describing the snow to me, how the kids were enjoying it, and how Logan, who'd taken on a job as a physical education instructor, was fond of making winter games part of their classes. I had felt a moment of heartbreak, thinking he was finally giving up on me, until Jubes went on to tell me how sometimes he still paused, as if listening for something. How at times he would stare at one of the phones scattered around the mansion, as if he could will it to ring, and have me on the other end.

But even the verbose Jubilee had nothing to say when I told her I'd be home.

"You get it figured out, chica?" Was the cautious question, hopeful but not overly joyous, not yet.

" Not exactly. " It was all I could say. I knew what was coming next, gritting my teeth.

" So long as you know what you're doing, chica, and it's gonna make you happy. I'm not about to lecture you." Too bad she just had.

" Yeah, Ah know. Listen Jubes, Ah gotta go, it's almost time for work. Don't tell anyone I'm coming home, okay?"

"Never. Be careful, and call me soon." The click was quick, like the call. We never talked for long, didn't dare, in case someone could overhear her. The only time we got to talk was Saturday nights, when she could get one of the vehicles and go for a drive, supposedly to pick up fast food, or whatever else she told them she was craving. It got so I lived for Saturday nights, just so I could have her tell me about all the people I loved.

So I gave my notice at my job, told my landlord of my plans to move out, overindulged in good southern food I knew I wouldn't get back in New York. I meditated still, hoping for some freak breakthrough. No such luck though, and soon enough, the day in red circled on my calendar came.I showered and dressed carefully, applying makeup with a hand that shook, just a bit.As if makeup and a pretty dress would make what I was doing better. Deep breaths wouldn't settle the odd quake in my stomach, either, as I stared up at a building that looked like a dozen others around it, glass and steel, meant to look like working art, but just looking cold in the overcast morning. I squared my shoulders, took anothe rdeep breath, and plowed my way through the main lobby, and up the stairs. Elevators were often crowded, and something I tended to avoid.

I signed my name on the line, and killed time staring blindly at glossy magazine pages. My heart kept up a crazy pace, fast and occasionally missing a beat, which hurt.
My name was called, or the name I had given, and I shuffled into a room that was as colorless as my thoughts felt. I signed my name some more, nodded my head in a numb sort of fashion.I closed my eyes, and pretended I was already back home, with Logan's arms around me, keeping me safe. I ignored the world as I left that building behind, and crawled onto the futon that had served as my bed for three months now.The room spun, colors returned in a sickening rush, I heard myself moaning, then everything went black.

I gave Martin, the mutant guy who lived across the hall from me, all the things of mine he could use. I didn't have need of them, and they wouldn't fit in the tiny car I rented. I didn't want to be weighed down anymore by excess things. He gave me a hug and a ruffle of my hair, and waved me off when I left.

I hit the road, a couple of wrapped po'boys and an order of fried okra to keep me company, as well as a few bottles of Coca cola. Pure southern fare, something I knew I would miss. Tenesee and Kentucky flew by, up into Ohio before I caught the dreaded Interstate eighty, to ride it through Pennsylvania, and catching the spoke of three eighty to shoot on up into New York.Once safely across the border into the state I had for a while called home, I rented a room, feeling tired, cramped, and disgusting. A long hot bath, room service's breakfast dish of pancakes and eggs, and I passed out cold for eighteen hours. A hot shower, change of clothes, and I wandered the streets of Manhattan a while. I turned in my rental car, and went to sit in this little twenty four hour diner called the Tick Tock diner, a few blocks down from the Port Authority.

Finally I saw that remembered, favorite yellow coat come through the door, and I forgot all about the food on my plate, arms open wide to hug Jubes. Money dumped on the table, and out to the car to let Jubes drive us back to Salem Center. She, of course, had the music cranked, and babbled about Bobby making ice igloos for the little kids and sculptures, and in general showing off. I was fiddling with the gloves on my hands, tugging at the fingertips, then smoothing them back down. I caught the odd look Jubes shot me, but she, being my best friend and only confidante at the moment, kept her silence.

She dropped me off before we got too far into the gates, a one armed hug and a wish for luck in her native Chinese tongue that she rarely uses. I could tell from that, paired with the husky tone in her voice, that she was emotional about it. I promised she could drag my stuff up to her room, and I'd come get it one way or the other.

I was amused by the snow under my feet, perfect, not too fluffy, meant for skiing and snowmen and winter silliness.I scuffed through it with my boots, watching the flakes puff up into the air, then settle over the ground again in little mounds. I could smell woodsmoke, the lakehouse looming more and more imminent in front of me. I was delaying, telling myself I was just enjoying the crispness of hte cold hair along my skin, smelling burning wood in the air. Truth was, I was terrifed.

I peeled off the woolen gloved, fingers flexing as I looked at them. Slender, oval nails filed short, pale, unmarked skin. Knuckles ached when I rapped them against the heavy wooden front door, heart in my throat. The other glove was next, both of them shoved into my coat pocket, as I waited. I didn't run because I couldn't. My legs felt locked stiff. Would he slam the door in my face? Would he be angry, out of my reach? So many scenarios playing in my head in fractions of a second.

Door jerked open, letting the smell of Logan, cigar smoke, burning candles and the fire in the hearth wash out over me in a rush of warmed air. My eyes locked on his chest, being clung to by a tight white shirt tucked into jeans. That was all I could notice, before his hand was jerking the cigar from his mouth, my eyes lifting to his face. His eyes were golden, almost amber, as he stared at me. I could see the tightening in his jaw, before the eyebrow arched up in a way that made me want to run my finger over it. Taking his cocky lean against the doorframe, arms crossed over his chest.

"Hey, sugar." It was all I could say. Words were failing me so badly. I had longed for this moment for how long, and now I had nothing to say? I had pictured it a thousand times. How I would dress to the nines, do my hair, paint my nails. Be teasing and seductive and have playful turns of phrase until there was nothing left to say, just time to touch.

"Hey, yourself. You get lost on your way up to the big house? " Rough voice, but those words were teasing, in that way only Logan could.A sniff. " Been with Juju bee, hmm? She leave you out here in the cold with the big bad wolf? " A smirk, as I was wearing a green hooded long goat, almost identical to the one I had been wearing when he ...well found me.

"Well, this sure doesn't look like mah grandma's house, sugar. Gonna let me in? Ah don't wanna go up to the main house. Ah don't want them to see. Ah need ta talk to ya. " Hands rubbed together, and that drew his attention. Amber eyes, so like those of a wolf, dipped down, then back up to my face. "Logan, Ah..."

" I know, Marie. " Sliding up straight, hand on my shoulder as he brought me in, in his arms. Face pressed to his chest as he shut the door, and cut off the rest of the world. Just us, just the way I wanted, the way I needed. Hand carefully rubbing over my hair, as my arms wrapped around his lower back, hanging on to him for all I was worth. All I could breathe in was the scent of him, the way it mingled with the scent of green apple from my hair, the vanilla from my skin. I could almost taste it, the mix of us, on my lips. My tongue slid out to run along my lower lip, as if to taste test the theory, looking up at him. He reached over, tossing the butt of that cigar into the fire, letting it burn away with the scnet of fine tobacco.

"Don't send me away tonight, Logan. Ah don't wanna miss you another night. Please?" Just this side of pleading, before his mouth dared touch mine. He knew. Oh god. Hands slid up his sides, to curl and lock together behind his neck. Kissing him slowly, tongues tangling and teasing, slow, hot, and.... everything I had wanted it to be. Dear god, that man can kiss!

"Not sendin' you anywhere. Never again. I know what you did, Marie, and I know why. I wanted to cry when I first figured it out.. but the tears wouldn't come. Not with knowing this is what you wanted, and that you'd pay any price... for us. I wish you had let me in, told me.." Then a hint of his smile." I know, I would have fought you on it. I know you needed to do this on your own, because you're stubborn, and hard headed, and...mine."

He kissed me again, dragging me along with him to the couch. Coat was shed in the process, before I was sitting across his lap, his hand on my hip, his other hand cupping the back of my head, while he brushed kisses over my face. Nibbled at the curve of my lower lip, kissed the tip of my nose, making me sigh and squirm. So much more patience than anyone would have credited him with.

"I can't promise it'll be perfect, Marie. Or that we won't fuck up along the way. But you've pretty much given up being able to have forever to touch me, and I'm not goin' to forget that. We might break this before we get it right, but I want it. I always did, my ring on your hand, and you in my life. Promise me, no more runnin'. " Quite the speech from Logan, who usually let his wide array of expressive grunts and brow arches do the talking for him.

"Ya are forever ta me, Logan. If all Ah had was one night, this night, here with you, able to touch ya....Forever can go hang. Ah wanna live, not just exsist. Ya taught me that. " Hands sliding along those muttonchops. " Ah want ya ta know me, all of me. That's all that ever mattered ta me. Ah'm here with ya now, Logan, and Ah don't want that ta change. Ah don't know if they'll understand." He knew who I meant. " But now Ah'll know ya know who Ah am. "

His lips on mine was the answer to that, his hand sliding under my sweater, his large, rough hand against the skin of my back, tracing my spine..Whatever price I had paid to get there, even if it was just this one night.. though I knew he had plans for a lot more than one, it was worth it ten times over.

Because now he'd know it was for me, and I would know it was for him, and it would be all for us.



Goo Goo Dolls Lyrics
Iris Lyrics

And I'd give up forever to touch you
Cuz I know that you feel me somehow
You're the closest to heaven that I'll ever be
And I don't want to go home right now

And all I can taste is this moment
And all I can breathe is your life
Cuz sooner or later it's over
I just don't want to miss you tonight

And I don't want the world to see me
Cuz I don't think that they'd understand
When everything's made to be broken
I just want you to know who I am

And you can't fight the tears that ain't coming
Or the moment of truth in your lies
When everything feels like the movies
Yeah, you'd bleed just to know you're alive

And I don't want the world to see me
Cuz I don't think that they'd understand
When everything's made to be broken
I just want you to know who I am

And I don't want the world to see me
Cuz I don't think that they'd understand
When everything's made to be broken
I just want you to know who I am

And I don't want the world to see me
Cuz I don't think that they'd understand
When everything's made to be broken
I just want you to know who I am

I just want you to know who I am
I just want you to know who I am
I just want you to know who I am
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