Title : Is too much ever enough?
Author : SacredMacha
Rating : R
Summary : Rogue realizes the error of her ways and seeks some redemption
Category : X3/AU
Genre :songfic/angst
Archive : Sure.
Disclaimer : I own none of it, except Karmic. Who I don't own, really, but she was requested. I like requests. : ) The lyrics for Tool's Sober were sort of inspiring.
I think the worst part is that everyone feels sorry for me. It drives me crazy, only magnifying the guilt, really. It's to the point I'm avoiding everyone, I've moved to the farthest, most isolated part of the mansion, I don't join them for meals, or activities, or anything.Xavier had tried to reach out to me more than once, but with all the personalities in my head, I had learned long ago to dodge his mental parry. Bonus for me, yeah right.
I've spent a month this way now, trying to pretend I'm not getting the 'Poor Rogue, Logan up and left her again' looks. A month learning how to hide from them the truth, how to hide the tracks of tears, the signs of sleeplessness. Walking on tenterhooks, wondering if even if I managed right, if it was worth it. He'd left me, without realizing what I had meant for. He may well never come back, may not care, even if Xavier could find him. So far, Xavier had only looked once, before I told him not to. That it was between Logan and I, and I would deal with it in my own time. The blue gaze Xavier gave me right then, made me go still to my soul, but I could see that in his eyes, I'd finally grown up, no matter what age I was. The fact I'd had my own X-man uniform for a couple of years now apparently hadn't made me grown up. But telling him no, that I would deal with the pain, and whether or not I went after Logan, whatever he saw in my face made him accept me as truly no longer one of his 'children'. It was a feeling of pride that mingled with the pain, even as part of me felt a loss that he'd no longer feel the need to look after me as he had.
So I was left to wander the halls, only shifting shadows in my wake, my sleeplessness the only constant in my nights.. and days. The only thing that seemed to benefit from my pain was the stack of canvases that grew and grew. The pain was too stark, too overwhelming for the watercolors I'd preferred, demanding the boldness of oils, until my hands smelled of my painting constantly. Painting not fanciful scenes or fantasies of what might be, but blurred snapshots of time, my memories of him, and his of me. Sometimes they overlapped, creating one confusing vignette in my mind's eye, a wash of colors and feelings that clashed and melted into each other. I painted until my mind was empty, the canvases taken and stored out of my sight, because once I was done with it, I ignored it. I have a feeling it was Hank that carefully saw each one tended to, in case. I wasn't sure I could bear to see them again, after using them to try and purge myself of the pain of not only losing Logan, but the betrayal he's felt that had shot into me as he was gasping over me.
So for that month, I painted, I avoided sleep and the dreams it could bring me. Not afraid of the nightmares, but some of the softer things Logan had thought, things the Wolverine would have kept hidden from everyone... but me. I did my best to avoid feeling anything, even as Bobby smirked, his arm wrapped around Kitty, as if this confirmed how he'd told me long ago Logan would never stay, never love me. It was all I could do to not wipe that smirk off his face with my fist. Even the Logan in my head, an angry resentful presence these days, wanted just that.
My skin started behaving oddly, aching and itching, which was the first sign I had that anything had changed since that night everything had gone wrong with Logan. While I sat in the medlab, trying to ignore the blood Hank was drawing, my mind made a bold decision, rather than the sort of wandering, meandering way I'd had lately of avoiding decisions until they were made.Not bothering to wait for Hank to prattle on about what tests he was doing, I bolted out of the medlab, for the garage, heading for the city.
I found my way by vague memory, I had been there once before, but at the time Bobby had been pestering me about something, so the details weren't as sharp as I would have liked. The building was nothing that stood out, just another apartment building in Manhattan, a bit too opulent for my tastes, but hey, I was just there for a visit. The front desk buzzed me up discreetly, then I all but held my breath in the elevator. I knew the woman I was going to see, but I'd only met her for brief periods of time. Xavier had sent us to get her out of a bad situation, and then we'd brought her back here, given her some cell numbers and such, in case she ever needed help again. This time I needed her help, but I wasn't sure if she would give it or not. Her talent brought her some good bucks, and I didn't have much of anything close to what I knew she could command for the use of her powers.
The door opened, and it took me a moment to recognize the woman as the one I had met. The smile was the same, polite but not quite warming up her eyes. I couldn't say I blamed her for not being thrilled to see me. The only time she'd seen me was when she was in trouble, when I'd been part of the team helping bring her back to New York. She no doubt knew I wanted something of her, and this time it wasn't a donation like I knew she gave the professor. She stepped back, and I took sort of absent minded note of the black silk pants and the shimmery red shirt she wore, that harmonized with the hair that I had known as blonde, that was now black, dramatically streaked with red. It suited her, in a way that my artist's eye couldn't explain.
"Is there something I can do for you, Rogue?" As she shut the door behind me, a touch of fingers at my covered elbow, and she was walking back into the aparment, the living room. A cozy grouping of furniture in front of a fireplace, fire included at the moment. Black leather surrounded me as I sank into the couch. Taking that silent mental note, black furniture, silver carpet, the pretty purple walls. Apparently her line of work paid well. I looked at Kari, codename Karmic, and swallowed my fear. " Ya know why Ah'm here, don't you." It wasn't a question, not really, and even I could hear the rasp of fear in my voice.
She watched me with with ageless cerulean eyes, until I was sure she was hypnotizing me with them. Then, the moment was broken, she leaned forward and retrieved her glass of red wine, a good merlot from the scent, though how Logan's senses would know a good wine when he preferred beer was beyond me. " You do know it's dangerous at times, especially, I would think, with a mutant of your talents and history. But what I want to know, is why are you here, why is it you want me to make you feel the pain you have caused a certain someone in your life? " I could hear the midwest in her voice. Just a hint of Missouri or Tennesee, I wasn't sure, just lingering in the soft sounds of her chosen words. " I would think it would be easier for you than for most to recognize when you have caused pain. From what I gathered, you have like as not had enough of it, so why come to me? Why ask me to use my powers to make you filled with the pain you have caused someone? Usually when I am approached it is not by the person who has done the harming, but the one harmed. " A sip of that wine, not a hint of smudge to her lipstick, those eyes on me again until I was sure I was falling into the fields of blue.
" Ah have to. Ah can't face him again until Ah know how bad Ah've hurt him, until Ah feel that Ah know.. Ah have ta redeem mahself for mah sins. Ah was selfish, and what Ah wanted backfired. Ah didn't mean ta hurt him, even as Ah delivered the most painful betrayal he thinks Ah could have. " Without realizing it, I had slid off the couch to kneel on the carpet, in easy arms reach of her. Her face was impassive, much as I had seen Ororo's from time to time. What would it be like, to be able to make someone feel all the pain they had cuased you, by a simple thought? No wonder Xavier had treated her with such respect, if she was able to do this, to command top dollar from the parents of slain children, raped women, who wanted vengeance. I knew enough, but not nearly all of it. But if Xavier spoke of her in such muted tones, it meant she had her own moral code.. and I still didn't know if she would do it. I was looking up at her like a catholic seeking forgiveness looks up at the virgin mother. As if this woman known as Karmic could deliver some sort of peace to my soul, give benediction, sanctuary.
A finger reached out, running over the white streak in my hair, even as I trembled with the urge to flinch away. Her expression was thoughtful, the room silent but for the click of her glass as she set her wine aside. " You are aware that when I do this, once it is started, it is near impossible to stop. The pain must run it's course, you must suffer through the whole of whatever pains you have caused him, before it will cease." A moment of pause, while I nodded. " You must love him very much." murmured, even as fingers slid through her hair, a quiet sigh. " Sit comfortably." I shifted, sitting indian style and sliding my boots off so the heels didn't dig into my legs. I could sit this way for hours, I had, when Logan had started teaching me to meditate, to help me against the voices in my head. A deep breath in, held, and then let out as I tried to prepare myself. Karmic seemed amused, her lips in a half curl of a smirk, but those eyes were dark as she looked at me. " Conjure a memory you have of the both of you. From the beginning." She might have meant the beginning of when I hurt him, but.. my mind went to the second time he'd saved me. That mental picture taken from outside myself, somehow, when Logan had cradled my body close to his, willing his healing into me, willing me, forcing me to live. It was if I had been above, watching, for just that split second. I held that in my mind, eyes shutting tight to keep it in focus. I felt her hand coming, before the warm solidity settled on my hair.
My world suddenly wrenched sideways, like a tv losing its horizontal control. Then my brain seemed to be on overdrive, and I was aware I was screaming, but I couldn't stop myself, couldn't even lift my hands to cover my mouth to stifle the sound. I'm sure the Logan and the parts of him I had in my mind had only made it more immediate, but the pain hit me like a cat o' nine studded with broken glass all over my body, inside and out. Acid from my stomach rose, burning my throat, even as tears started sliding past my shut eyelids. It felt as though my bones had been replaced with hot iron pokers, every twitch of a muscle only sending up a flare of burning pain. This, this was what he felt when he touched me, healed me from the inside out with his mutation. His gift to me had been horrifying pain for him.
Sadly, it didn't even seem to come close to ending there. That was just one page of the chapter. Flickering scenes, a million little times he'd hurt, because of me, being of being around me. His guilt at even saving my life, feeling he'd corrupted me somehow with it, listening to Scott's disparaging remarks. How he'd felt pangs when I'd stolen his beer, wincing when he heard I'd been caught with cigars. A dozen little things that filled him with guilt. Not sorry for a moment that he'd been able to keep me alive, just the pain he felt..because he felt I'd been something angelic, precious.. When I could breathe again, I was so going to give him what for. When he saved me, when he touched me, I knew someone cared.. for me. Not because they wanted something of me, like the men who'd tried to grab me between Louisiana and Laughlin City, not for what I could do, like Magneto. Logan cared about Marie, period.
I'd never known that seeing me struggle with my relationship with Bobby hurt him, or that the way I had poured all my sorrows out on his shoulders had only made his own pain over Jean worse. Jean had been his friend, even if the love between them had only been a figment of her telepathy and the Wolverine's sense of the wildness that was the phoenix inside of her. I hadn't helped him, I'd only compounded his sorrow. The loss of his friend, and his feeling that he should have beat Bobby up long ago, so I wouldn't be hurt later. It had hurt him when I had up and abandoned him on nights I had said I would stick around, watch hockey or a movie. I'd known I was one of the few people in the mansion that didn't make him surly or drive him to distraction. Yet I'd gone off without a word, to hang out with Bobby, or shopping with Jubilee..and stood him up. Then he'd felt like a jerk for going out drinking and carousing, trying to make himself forget that there were times when deadly skin or not, too young or not, he wanted to kiss me, touch me, do everything I had ever dreamed of him doing and then some.
What had I been thinking? Messing around with Piotr, Remy...oh god, how that had hurt him. Watching me fool around with them, watching me pleasure them, when all I had wanted to do was make him realize even when I couldn't touch, I still wanted it, craved pretending to be normal, bringing a guy off was something... amazing in a way.For a girl who had thought I'd never have it, it was something like an addiction. I was addicted to the substitute, when the real thing kept me at a distance. I saw flickers of his pain, the cost of holding himself in check when he was plotting my seduction. Guilt washing through me with the pain, knowing I had purposely started deceiving him. The package of sugar pills, pretending I was preparing myself for when he decided he wanted to risk it, to claim all of me, not just my heart, or part of my soul. Purposely sabotaging a handful of foil condoms, thinking only of what I wanted.
Then came the final wash, almost drowning me in the newness of the pain, the betrayal only intensifying the agony. Again all of the pain he'd felt atop the Statue, but this held none of the solace of saving my life, just the rage at my deception, confusion at what was happening. That last enraged howl of the Wolverine as life seemed to fade, his mate proving to be traitor. Oh god.. if he ... he thought I'd tried to .. to keep him inside my head? To.. to trap him... I knew I was screaming again, frustrated, hurting, and broken inside. I had broken the Wolverine, the cage fightin', no shit takin', original bad ass tough guy. A little slip of a thing from Louisiana, with big dark eyes and killer skin, had snapped something inside of him, that his mutation couldn't put back together again.
Slowly I came out of the haze, aware of a careful hand on my shoulder. My arms had crossed over my middle, as if holding in my insides, as if I'd been mortally wounded. Rocking back and forth, pieces of hair stuck to my cheeks wet with tears, my nose completely stuffed and running. I'd been lost to reality, peeling my gloves off to push my hair back behind my ears. My throat was raw, making me try to clear it, even as a box of tissues was dropped in my lap. I looked up, knowing I looked like hell, Eyes watery and red, swollen, my nose stuffed up and probably red, face blotchy... but it didn't matter. Karmic looked at me with that face of an impassive goddess. She didn't have to sit judgement on me, or make any decisions. I had done that all myself. She retook her seat on the sofa, those amazing blue eyes a strange comfort. A hand gestured, there was a glass of water and some aspirin on the table. I knew soon enough that the rawness in my throat would be gone, thanks to Logan's last touch. But I dutifully took a pair of the tablets anyhow, because it couldn't hurt. I drank down the whole of the glass of water, feeling it moisten and ease the tightness in my throat. I used a good number of tissues too, before I looked back up at Karmic from where I sat on the floor. She had her feet tucked up under her, her glass of wine balanced on her knee. That air of utter calm about her made something inside me seethe with jealousy. A faint smile, as if she could read my mind. " The bathroom is behind you, if you would like to wash up a bit. You're welcome to rest here for the evening, if you would like. From the sound of it, it seemed rather... intense. " Rising, she headed for the kitchen. " Which leads me to think two things. One, I hope he loves you as much you apparently do him. Two.. I'm glad I sprung for the sound deadening in the apartment." A hint of amusement in her voice, shaking some of the last clinging webs of pain and darkness from me. I picked up the tissues, shoving them into the wastecan in her bathroom. Yes, my face was indeed a wreck, apparently emotional outpouring was slow to heal. Hmm. Soaking my face in some cold water, washing up, it did help some. But then, my guess was, Karmic had known that. Though I knew she didn't too often sit around and watch, I appreciated her sort of passive kindness. Acting as if it was no big deal, letting me get myself together. I wondered if that was her way, because of my skin, or if she had surmised that was the way I would rather have it. Not that it mattered, it didn't.
Cleaned up, and feeling calmer, finally, I tugged my gloves back on, and went out to face the woman who the executioner without ever bothering with a judge and jury. Perhaps calling her an exorcist would be closer to the truth. Her powers let her exercise the ghosts people couldn't deal with. I gave her my best attempt at a brave smile, aware I had come uninvited, and used up hours of her time. " Ah just wanna say thank you. Ah won't be stayin', Ah borrowed a car, and Ah should get back before they start worryin'. Ah.. Ah know Ah owe ya.. Ah just.." She smiled, shaking her head. " No. Everything is as it should be, Rogue. You and yours helped me once, and it's nice to know I could do something for one of you. Besides, you ... inspired me. I thought that sort of willingness to suffer for the love of another person was lost. Maybe I've been too jaded. It bears thinking over. " She took my arm in her own, when I headed for the door. That smile lingered, even as I moved into the elevator. " Goodbye, Rogue. I do hope he's worth it. " Then that door was closing, as the elevator caged me in.
I took the long way home, window down to let the wind whip through my hair, as I slowly let my emotions rachet down from the coil they'd been in. I owed Logan, not just an explanation, but apologies for things I had never realized. I know, always knew, he wasn't perfect, but I never realized how much I, myself, got under his skin. I knew I was special to him, like he always was to me...but I didn't know how much. Now I was sorry, and it was too damn late.. for the moment.
I strode in from the garage, right into Chuck's office without bothering to knock. He simply looked up from the papers on his desk, tossing a manila envelope my way, before he was manuevering his chair around his desk. " Ah'll pack, then." A faint smile, even as Xavier had that amused look to him. " Do be careful, won't you, Rogue? " I just gave him that grin of mine that made Logan mutter about sassy southern women. " Sure thing, Chuck." Laughing as he rolled his eyes, before I was rushing up the stairs. Jeans, sweaters, scarves, gloves, check. The Logan in my head sure knew how to pack in a hurry, without forgetting anything.Duffel bag in hand, coat slung over my arm, digging the keys for the jeep out of that envelope as I trotted down the stairs. Chuck wheeled with me up to the door to the garage, a slip of paper in my hand with the nearest he could get to Logan's location. I dropped a kiss to his bald head, laughing as he fussed. I hadn't hurt him, and he wasn't much afraid of me, but he had to seem to put up a fuss. I tossed him that smile and a wave before I shut the door behind me.
Swinging up into the Jeep, bag tossed behind the seat, keys in the igntion and a cd in the player. A glance into the rearview before I was roaring down the drive for the highway. " Mah turn, sugar. Just hang on till Ah get there, Logan.. It's mah turn ta be strong and save ya this time. Ah just hope ya listen. " Then I couldn't help it, singing along with the radio, the lightness in my head almost making me giddy. I'd just enjoy it for the moment, and try to share it with Logan, along with the truth, and my heart. Then.. I'd just have to see.
[Sober]
There's a shadow just behind me,
shrouding every step I take,
making every promise empty,
pointing every finger at me.
Waiting like a stalking butler,
who upon the finger rests.
Murder now the path called must we,
just because the son has come.
(Jesus, won't you fucking whistle,
something but the past and done? 2x)
Why can't we not be sober?
Just want to start this over.
Why can't we drink forever?
I just want to start things over.
I am just a worthless liar.
I am just an imbecile.
I will only complicate you.
Trust in me and fall as well.
I will find a center in you.
I will chew it up and leave,
I will work to elevate you,
just enough to bring you down.
(Mother Mary won't you whisper,
something but what's past and done. 2x)
Why can't we not be sober?
I just want to start this over.
Why can't we sleep forever?
I just want to start this over.
I am just a worthless liar.
I am just an imbecile.
I will only complicate you.
Trust in me and fall as well.
I will find a center in you.
I will chew it up and leave
(Trust me. 5x)
Why can't we not be sober?
I just want to start things over.
Why can't we sleep forever?
I just want to start this over
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Author's Chapter Notes:
There still is another chapter coming... I swear!