'To hear the truth,
To see it held out in scarred hands,
To feel the pain in each stuttered word,
*That* is suffering,
*There* is acceptance.
It lies nowhere else.'
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"When I was out on the road I'd heard rumours, seen people disappear, watched the news, I knew I was 'wrong'I was 'different'. Hell I knew it the day I was fuckin' born." Logan's gaze stripped through the rest of the faces there, seeing those that supposedly knew him blanch a little.
"Oh yeah, I remember more than you think, shit I even remember seein' the first fuckin telegraph wires goin up. Do the math!" His hands clenched and unclenched as he walked around the small dirt clearing, muscles bunched and relaxed as he went around the gathered eyes.
"There's things about me you don't wanna know but I'll tell ya how I got stuck with *that* bastard sat there." His thumb jerked toward the man sat on the only chair, his legs hanging uselessy below him and his rheumy eyed stare watching him pace around.
"He picked me up just when I'd been out lookin for the guys who'd given me these," the claws poked out of his clenched fists. "I'd tracked some of the fuckers down but I'd reached a dead end, thats when I got a phonecall from him." Logan nodded in Xaviers direction, "Ya see what you don't know is that the man sat there in front of you all looking like he wouldn't hurt a fly had a hand in doin' this to me." Logan's gaze went flint hard and he stalked toward the seated figure on the chair, dropping down so his face was level with Xaviers. The smile on Xaiver's face wavering a little as Logan looked through him.
"See, even now he thinks I haven't put it together. I *know* Xaiver, I KNOW it was you who sent them to the cabin. I know you told them where I was, where to find me. You knew who you were sending me after because you were part of the damn thing!" The air around the clearing had gone thick, everyone was waiting for the denial, the choking words of refusal to come from Xaviers lips but nothing came out. He just sat there while Logan paced around him reminding everyone of a shark circling prey in the water.
When Logan looked back at the small man his eyes were dark and a smile that had nothing to do with humour was on his face. Claws drawn Logan approached Xaiver, only when he put them under Xavier's chin did the man's mask of calm slip. "I should just fuckin' slit your throat now and let you bleed out. You did this to me you fuck! Shit I'd never have put the fuckin' clues together if it hadn't been for her. My *reward*, remember the deal Xavier? Remember what you promised me in return for doin' your dirty work?" The silence that ripped through the air was enough to spur Logan into a rush of words. "Fine! Then I'll tell em shall I?"
He pushed himself away from the cripple that was too easy to kill right now, he wanted to get all of this out before he lost it and just killed the fucker.
"He kept me locked up, doped me, *tamed* me," he spat the last words out at the feet of the now pale man seated across from him. "When I found out the names he'd been givin me weren't all mine, they didn't have anythin' to do with the things had been done to me. That I'd been removin' his enemies for him, removin' people who didn't vote the right way or do business with him. That he was using *me*, I went to tell him to stuff it, to take everythin and shove it so far the sun would never hit it. Thing is I never figured on him bein the bastard he is."
Logan settled himself on his haunches across from Xavier, his eyes beginning to glow in the evening light. "He kept me below the school, broke me, tore my mind apart, lookin for the things he needed while keepin me confused. Wolverine didn't like it an he kept me sane, made me want to kill the fucker that had trapped me there. But the thing is I'm a simple fuckin' animal, give me food, a bed, a *mate* an I'd roll over. He used my loneliness against me, used it to play me, to get me to work for him. So I agreed, after bein without food, water, hope you'd break too, especially if you knew what conditioning I'd been given when the military had me." The spark in his gaze had grown to a fire as he stood up and faced the rest of the crowd, seeing their hard lined faces soften as they looked toward Rogue.
His own eyes locked onto her own and he rumbled a low growl out to the world, "She was *given* to me, when Xavier took her in she was fourteen, he gave her to me as soon as she walked in that goddamn door. He counted on Wolverine just taking her, making her his, when I didn't when I acted more human than he thought I would be he acted instead." Logan turned to look at the now shivering form of Xavier in the growing cold.
"He sent word to The Brotherhood, told them about a Mutant with deadly skin, knowing that he'd never resist such a prize. They came and she fought, she fought until we were nearby, knowin that we'd come for her. Thats when that hairy fucker ripped her open, if Mag's couldn't have her no one could. Earned him a messed up brain for a while," Logan raised his clawed fist remembering the feel of Sabertooths skull splitting under his fist. The soft rumble running through him like pleasure and colouring the air with it's sound.
"Found her, nearly dead and that's when I made the decision, that's when I touched her. Gave her everything I was, everything I could be, all I wanted was for her to live. Nothin was as important as that, when she started breathin again I passed out, didn't know if it had saved her. Just knew I'd had to try, thing was I never knew how much of me she'd taken in. Now I do an I'm thankful for it, another manipulation that actually went my way cos she *knows* me. Understands me, shares what I know, what I feel, all of it."
His gaze burning across the groups that were now holding each other in the growing dark. Emma looked across at a young girl who just raised her hands, several small incandescent lights formed and floated above the clearing. Lighting the darkness and throwing harsh shadows across the faces that were listening to his life. Seeing them understand the choices he'd made, the ones he'd had left to make under the yoke of Xavier.
"Ya see, while she was young, while she was under his roof I *had* to tow the line, I had to do what the fucker wanted. Had to go kill the kids he didn't want anyone else to get hold of, remove the problems he wanted removing. Solve his dilemma's by wading waist deep in someone elses blood, I've lost count of all the kids I've killed, been all over the goddamn continent killin'." Logan wiped a hand down his face as the memory of the faces bubbled up through him, the emotions, the regret but also the fear of what would happen if he didn't. Emma refocussed her attention on him, sharing the discomfort of his situation with all who were there. The fear he had of coming back and seeing Rogue hurt, destroyed, taken from him, broken.
Each decent memory he had of her, just smiling at him, holding his arm as they walked through the grounds, her hug as she met him as he got back. The way she grew from a bony kid into the woman she was, how he needed her touch every time he got home. That she valued him, she saw something worth fighting for, worth loving, worth caring about. And for that he'd kill anyone, do anything, as long as she was safe.
Logan's eyes raised to the sky to pick out the first few stars, his voice running rich and deep when he spoke again. "My nightmare came true though, it wasn't Xavier that did it though, she did it herself. She came after me, went to follow me, to see what I did when I went away from her alone. She saw me kill a man, torture him to death, thing was she helped me in the end." His eyes dropped to the forest as he spoke the words out loud, even and measured. "She did it willingly, I didn't force her, she made a choice and she chose *me*. What I am, who I am, she chose to make herself like me an I wondered for a while if it wasn't my touch that had made her like that." He found Marie's gaze, seeing her tears standing proud but she didn't let them fall.
"I love her, I've never loved anything more than her, never even wanted anythin but her. She chose to follow me, Xavier didn't make her do it, hell he was about to sell her out to The Brotherhood again. Seein' as how I hadn't taken her he thought he could use her again and force my hand. Ya see he wanted another assassin like me, one who'd kill without a thought, someone who'd look innocent and perfect. Someone who could kill with a touch, with just a graze of her hand."
Logan walked toward Marie, his body aching to feel her, to be held, the pain riding on his bones evident for everyone to see. That he'd had so much and nearly lost it all, he'd nearly lost her and that would've killed him, broken him completely. Yet here he was, strong, able and aware; she had given him his soul back, she'd kept it for him locked up in her own skin. When they'd finally been together it had been on their terms, bonded completely, because they wanted to be.
His hand brushed away the tears on her eyelids and she held his bare hand to her face, the looks of shock running around the crowd as she did it. They knew her story, the girl who could kill with a touch, yet he was touching her skin and not dying.
When he'd finished wiping them away Logan turned back to the centre of the clearing, his voice filled with knives each word barbed and cruel.
"Xavier told her she couldn't touch, told her she was dangerous, convinced her that she'd never control it, that it was out of her control. He lied."
"Why? Because he knew she'd shut herself off from everyone, become bitter, twisted, hating everyone else who could love and hold someone. He'd use that hatred, turn her into an assassin, a beautiful one, untouchable, a killer as bitter as her skin. He never counted on me though, that I'd want to touch her, die for her, over and over until she gave up tryin to kill me an realised that I was part of her. Didn't take too long did it?" Logan looked over to Marie, her face was flushed as she remembered the way's he'd convinced her skin that he wasn't a threat. Her smile was enough to convince everyone of the risk he'd taken, the suffering he'd endured to be able to touch her.
"No only a winter Logan, not too long at all."
Smiling he answered her the emotion flooding everyone with a warmth that kept the chill in the air away.
"I'd do it again, if it'd took a year of doin it I'd have done it for you." Marie didn't answer she just wiped her eyes, everyone knew he would've he'd would've continued until he'd collapsed. They belonged to each other, no matter that it had been Xavier who'd sold her to him for blood and deals made in back rooms.
Turning back to the man who'd brought him to this place Logan stalked back to the cripple. Resting his claws on the dead thighs of the man, his grey eyed gaze calm but his scent betraying his fear and Wolverine couldn't help but chuckle about that.
"See when he gave me Rogue, he made a mistake, he underestimated her, thought she was just like Jean his little favourite pet. The one he used when I wasn't around, oh yeah I forgot that bit. He took his favourite student and wiped her mind clean everytime she went out to kill someone. He'd send her out to kill or mind fuck people I couldn't get close to, when she got back he'd debrief her. Take what info he wanted then wipe it out of her head, thing was she remembered inside. I knew she did, hell when we went out on missions she had a hard time restraining herself sometimes and I knew why. She didn't but I put her straight, told her to go lookin in the mind of her so called 'fearless leader' Scooter. That bastard was a perfect little nazi wasn't he? Get the kids to be 'perfect' reject those that didn't fit, send them to the West Coast?"
Logan stood up and looked towards Emma his voice ringing out across the cool air, "You had trouble with small mutant terror cells in the West?"
Emma nodded, "Yeah we have, they've raided several safe houses."
Logan nodded to himself and gestured to Xavier, "You got him to thank for it, he's the one that's been funding them. I got sent out to 'clean house' of one that went rogue. Started doin stuff for other factions, Xavier wanted them 'removed' and the house 'cleaned', did the job an came back home." Emma's face was set like stone, her gaze had become cold and her skin shifted into diamond as she moved across the small area to be behind Xavier.
"No! Logan you can't let her do this, you don't understand...." Fear, for the first time Logan heard real fear colour Xavier's voice and Wolverine in him lapped it up. He wanted to bathe in it along with the thin blood that ran through his veins, he wanted to make him suffer, to hurt him, to destroy him utterly and he'd let Emma do everything she wanted to him. Logan watched as Emma touched his skin, the touch making Xavier jolt backward in his seat. A terror rising in Xaviers grey eyes as Emma went through his head, tearing it open, ripping the walls down he'd constructed to keep his darkness at bay.
All of his actions were there for Xavier to see, for *everyone* to see, his first influence being benign but soon the thirst for power had overcome his own convictions. Finding reasons for every action, to help, to guide, to develop mutations, everything had a logical reason but the costs were too great. The pain he caused too much to bear so he closed it off, used others instead of his own hands. Taking a hand in Logan's suffering, knowing it would drive the man insane, break him into two. Shattering who he'd been into an animal and human, no longer a whole person but all in the cause of progress.
The pleasure he got from seeing his mutants win, from seeing them fight, from seeing them die. That as each one fell they built a foundation of his dream, making the crusade worthwhile. That he was the *only* answer, the *only* way forward, pushing his ideals and dreams into politicians heads. Manipulating events to go his way, using Logan to kill those who opposed him, accidents, crashes, poisoning's. The list was long, and it was too much for some to endure. There were quiet sobs and angry murmurings as Emma braodcast the truth to them all.
The deaths at his hands, the kids who'd been sold into labs, the enemies that had been handed over to the military for money and resources. Everything of him had been revealed, even the conditioning of his favourites, Scott and Jean. Jean her mind in two, seperated so he could control her, keep her under his influence. His own powers suffering because of Cerebro, using her to keep his own mental shields up. Now they knew why he'd been so desperate to get Jean back, he needed her more than anything in the world. The enemies he'd made had been formidable and if they'd known he was so weak...the end had come because of his dealings with the shadow hand of government. They'd finally known how weak he really was and had decided to take what they could and scrap the rest.
Scott, his emotional reliance on the tenets of a code that no one could ever live upto in reality. Doing what was needed to keep the dream alive, a dream with no root in reality. Used, abused, given to Jean to keep his emotional outbursts in check, the damaged child he was still there, still hurting and angry at the world that wouldn't accept him.
Finally under all the layers, all the deceit, all the hate was Xavier, the thing he was, the person that hid underneath the soft smiles and fatherly persona. The image of him was withered, diseased, old, ripped apart by barbs that were inside and under his skin. He looked like a doll that had been stuffed full of thorns, parchment skin stretched taut over his thin frame. Emma's voice rang through everyone's mind, "See him, judge him as *this*, know that if he could he'd carry on doing what you've seen, felt, heard. Make your judgement on *this* alone, that he'd do it again if he could, to you , to the ones you love and call it 'progress'."
Emma removed her hands from his head and broke the link that had been with everyone, they had to choose for themselves and it was Hank who moved first. He just turned his back on Xavier, not seeing him, not acknowledging his presence anymore. Seeing the larger man make his decision others began to turn their backs to Xaiver. As the wave of backs went around the circle of people Xavier began to laugh, the sound filled with fear and shock. When it ran around the entire group leaving only Marie and Logan looking at him he stuttered a little. Seeing the hate riding on their faces, in their movements, they wanted him dead and nothing else would suffice. Logan's voice rang out across the clearing, the quiet hush even going into the wildlife as if they knew the judgement had been given.
"Looks like they've made their mind up old man, they don't need *you* anymore. I *know* I don't!" Xavier didn't stop laughing but his eyes were flowing with tears, laughter turned to sobs as they approached him. Claws drawn they moved forward, Hank turned back to view the pair of them waiting patiently. Everyone turned back to face the centre, knowing that what was to happen would be witnessed by everyone.
Hank moved back his body quivering with rage mixed with expectation, his own animal nature showing itself. He itched to hurt the man who'd brought his own world down in so much shame and betrayal. The first flash of claw came from Rogue, she grazed his cheek with it, scarring the thin flesh. A red line drawn in blood, the richness of it filling the air around her. Her eyes finding Logan's own and she nodded slightly to him, letting him have his way now.
It was like seeing an animal savage a toy, Logan just tore into the thin frame, dealing injuries that were shallow, playing with him, while Emma reached out to Xaiver with her mind. Keeping him still while justice was meted out to the man who'd caused Logan so much pain. Soon Xaviers clothes were shredded, hanging off him like his flesh in dripping strips. Logan wasn't home, this was Wolverine, taking his revenge for being held, for being used, for being *tamed*, for taking his life and smashing it in two. The roar that echoed out across the mountain was heard miles away, the silent scream that filled the psychic world flew to every mind that could hear it.
And in a house so far away Jean woke, her hands gripping the warm body next to her. Wrapping herself around Scott as she cried into the night, her father had died, her mentor had been killed, her tormentor was finally dead. Now she could think about living, now she could heal, now she could face what she'd done, now he was no longer here to remind her of what she'd been too foolish to see. They were free.
The body was in so many pieces, the flesh hung in wet strips, he'd flayed him, carved him from the bone and he'd been aware of all of it. Nothing of him had ever suffered so much than this, even as his mind was fading away and his bodily remains were being put on the ground, he felt and scented an acrid odour. His last thoughts were ones of sorrow as he recognised the fluid that was covering his cooling skin. Logan always was a man of his word, he hadn't pissed on the ashes of his school but he sure could on the figurehead of it.
And as the final traces of the worlds greatest telepath faded away into the ether a pyre was being built, Xaiver could see the world fading away from him, the last remnants of his consciousness seeing Logan's eyes. The darkness in them and he knew then that Logan had been merciful to him, he'd killed him fast, and as his spirit faded away into the universe Xavier was thankful for it. The look that Logan had given him as his spirit had turned away had spoken of a hate that would never die, not in this life or the next. There was still a reckoning to come and it was that that caused Xaiver's spirit to fade away from this realm. He had nothing more to do, to give, to use, he had lost and he wondered if he'd known that when he'd taken interest in Logan all those years ago. Before his accident, before his greed had forced him to choose between life and death. Whatever truth he found he kept to himself, waiting for Logan to catch him up someday.
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Author's Chapter Notes:
We get to hear the *whole* story of Logan, how Xavier found him, what he did for him and what happens afterwards.