~these are thoughts~
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Frames rattle on the walls as I reach my room and slam the door shut. I’m still in a state of shock over what I’ve just done. I can’t believe all that has just tumbled out of my mouth in the last five minutes. I play and replay it all over in my head and simply cannot find the point in time where I lost all control.
I wanted to find out what Logan was looking for. Instead, what do I do?? I lose my ever lovin’ mind over a simple question, that’s what I do! What am I nuts?
I’m pacing now, up and down and across my room, berating myself, mentally smacking myself upside the head trying to slap some sense into me! Maybe I could claim temporary insanity? No, that wouldn’t work. If I try and claim that, then I’d have to explain everything and I’m definitely not going there!
“You see Logan, it’s just that I’m nuts, that’s all. See, I found out all about you and then had this crazy dream about us in the nineteen-teens and it turned out to all be true, some kinda temporal rift thing that let me see what we were like in another life. Didja know that we were in love before? Not just me in love with you but you were in love with me too!”
Right, that’d sound real cool, well, at least it’d prove the insanity claim!
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“Hey! The Wolf-meister! I thought I heard the roar of a stolen bike! When’d you get back?”
~Wh-what? Who the f---?~ “Oh, mall rat, hey…”
[gum *snap*] “Whatcha looking so lost for, Wolvie? Ferget where we keep the kitchen?”
*growl* “No! I haven’t forgotten where the kitchen is, Yellow!”
“Then whatcha look so outta sorts for?”
[harrumph]*grumble* “If you must know I just got screeched at by Rogue and I got no effin’ clue why!”
“Aah-ha! Barely back and already you’re in hot water, huh?”
*GROWL!* “I AM NOT IN HOT WATER!” [a little meeker] “I just don’t know what happened.”
“What’s all the yelling about?”
“Hey Mr. Summers! O’Wolvie here was just sayin’ how he’s in it pretty deep with Rogue. He’s barely home an hour and already she’s yellin’ at him fer somethin’!”
[smugly] “Fouled something up already, huh, Logan?”
“Watch it, Scooter! Otherwise you’ll end up breathin’ out the other side of yer chest! I didn’t do a damn thing! We were just talkin’ and the next thing I knew I was getting’ screamed at fer tellin’ Rogue she asked a stupid question.”
“You told Rogue that something she asked you was ‘stupid’? She is not a stupid woman, Logan! What in the heck did she ask you that could possibly have been interpreted as ‘stupid’?”
“She asked me what I was lookin’ for every time I went out after one o’the leads the Professor finds for me. Now what kind of friggin’ question is that?? Can ya tell me? I’m lookin’ for my goddamned past, fer crissakes!”
*sigh* “Logan, your ‘past’ could be a rather a large area in time to cover. Did you ever stop to think that Rogue was looking for something a little more specific?”
“Specific? Whatcha mean? Specific?” *BING*!! [Light bulb] “Ya mean like, am I lookin’ for family? Or, am I lookin’ for who I was…..”
*sigh* [again] “Yeah, Logan, something like that. You know, Rogue cares very much about you, did you ever stop to think that maybe she’s a little scared you might find some long lost family out there and she’d get pushed to the back of the line? Or maybe she’s afraid you might actually, someday find the men from the labs and she’s afraid you may never come home then.”
“Waddya mean ‘never come home’?? O’course I’ll be home! Why shouldn’t I come back?”
*sigh*, [with fingers pinching at bridge of nose] “Logan, I’m gonna put this in as few words as I can, with as few syllables as possible….”
*grrrrr-owl!*
“……and I want you to think very carefully about what I’m about to say. What would you do if you found the men, any of the men, from the lab? What would you do if you found that you had family out there somewhere? If you had a wife, kids….you’re always griping you could be older than Xavier…what about grandkids?? Are you looking for revenge? Are you looking for love? Whatever it is, what happens after you find it?”
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~ Goddamn that Scooter!! Where’s he get off questioning me?? [whiney voice] ‘what would you do??’ What the hell kinda question is that anyway?? ~
*grumble*
[whiney voice again] ~ ‘What would you do?’ just about as stupid a question as ‘what’re you looking for?’ THAT’S what it is!! A goddamn stupid question! ~
*grumble* - *mumble* - *grumble*
~ Hell, what would I do? If I found those fuckers from the lab I know damn well what I’d do! I gut ‘em all, that’s what! Nice ‘n slow, just like they did me! See how they like getting’ filleted like this morning’s catch!! ~
*grumble*
~ But family? That’s somethin’ I never thought of. Jeez! I never figger’d on maybe findin’ anybody out there I didn’t want to gut. I got no clue what I’d do then. An’ kids?!? I never gave a secon’ thought to havin’ kids. Fuck!! With all the screwin’ around I do remember, I never once thought I might have kids wanderin’ ‘round out there. Now Scooter goes and puts it in my head that I might?? Maybe even grandkids!! SHIT!! If I am as old as I think I am, there’s no tellin’ how many lines o’me might be out there.! ~
*mumble* - *grumble* - *mumble*
~ Aww, dammit!! I guess maybe Marie’s question wasn’t so stupid after all. Maybe I ought ta go and find her so I can apologize. Fuck that Scooter anyway!! Why the hell’d he have to be the one to clear all this shit up? He didn’t say nothin’ that sounded any different from what Marie said. So why the fuck did it make more sense comin’ from him?? And what the hell got her panties in a wad anyway?? So’s I said the question was stupid……issat so bad? Said the same thing to Scooter and he didn’t get all bent outta shape! Ok, maybe he sounded a little frustrated, but who ever knows with him? He seems to always sound that way! Frustrated, constipated, what’s the difference? ~
*mumble* - *grumble* - *BING*!! [Light bulb, again]
~ Oh fuck!! I did it again, didn’t I? I called her ‘kid’. Dammit, no wonder she got all pissy and in my face. Hells bells, yeah, I better go an’ find her, at least now I know what I’m apologizin’ for! ~