Lights That Could Never Shine Bright Enough


*Rrrrrring…..rrrrring……rrrring*

She turns over and moans, fighting to kick off the bed cover and reach under her pillow to quieten that noise before he wakes up. But it’s a losing fight and somehow she ends up entangled in the sheets and lands on the floor hard.

‘Fuck..’ she clutches her bruised knee and looks up from the floor at him, he’s sitting up now and shaking his head at her, she tries to smile but he’s not seeing the funny side.
She sighs pushing the white streaks of her hair out of her face, he’s looking intently at her, ‘don’t do it Marie…don’t you answer that call…’
She shakes her head, reaching out slowly and takes the phone in her hand.

‘OK, but you better not flip it open….don’t press that green button…alright…Ok, just hang up…’
The look he throws her as she fails to listen to any of his silent requests is close to hate.

‘For fuck’s sake Marie…’ he gets up and walks towards the window turning his back on her.

She doesn’t know what he expects, she was always gonna answer that call, ‘cause she knows who’s on the other end, ‘Hey….’ She yawns sleepily.

‘Hey kid…you asleep?’ His voice sound scratchy, tired and bruised. Too much whiskey and cigars, too much time alone, too much time thinking.

She smiles quietly to herself, leaning back against the bed, ‘Yeah Logan, at three in the mornin’ it’s kinda what normal people do.’

He laughs quietly, ‘Yeah sure, good thin’ we’re not normal then huh?’

‘Wanna tell me where ya are?’ She hears him curse loudly from behind her, his fists clenched starin’ out the window.

Logan sighs, ‘it’s gonna be a long drive kid…’ she can hear the gentle tone in his voice, the pained indifference he tries to breathe into his words and she knows what he’s really saying, ‘it’d be kinda of OK if you were ‘ere kid, but I won’t hold it against you Marie, if you don’t come this time.’ And she knows what he really means because he says the same thing every time.

She shrugs her shoulders, ‘It always is Logan…’ and her tone, gentle insistent, but firm speaks volumes, ‘ah know ya need me to be there, and ya should know ah’m gonna be there, this time and any other time.’ And he knows that’s what she really means, even in those four words she actually speaks he knows what she means, ‘cause she says the same thing every time.

---

Ten minutes later she’s hung up the phone and is throwing some clothes into her old duffel bag, and he’s glaring at her.

‘Ah’m sorry Bobby, but ah gotta go…’ she barely even looks at him as she empties their drawers. And he’s sitting on the bed, sitting the same place he’s sat so many times, watching her pack.

He hates them both for this, hates that he can call her at three in the morning and she’ll pack without question, hates that she’ll go; even if he called her from the depth of hell she’d follow him there. Hates that he’ll sit here waiting, waiting for however long it takes for her to fix him this time, weeks, months….however long.

She’d tried to explain it, last time she’d returned, she’d said, ya see sometimes you get stuck, trapped in a cycle, between being invincible and falling apart, Logan got stuck like that. He’d wind up like that, on the road for months, pushing that damn bike of his for days not knowing, not needing anyone, invincible and invisible to the world.

Then...well then he’d fall apart, end up stuck in some crappy motel, starin’ up at the ceiling, waiting for an end that just wouldn’t come.

But Bobby couldn’t understand, how it was that someone who could take on so much, who could strut and pose like the alpha-male he’d seen Logan be, how it was that he could fall apart, could let it get so bad that he’d linger on about how it’d come close to killin’ him. Close, he’d say, but never enough.

And why her, why’d he have to call Marie, of all the people in the world, all the pleasures he could take in his freedom, in his strength, he had to call her when it wasn’t enough, why her, why his girlfriend?

And why the fuck did she have to go, why couldn’t she hang up, or never answer at all, let him know that he couldn’t have her, not this time.

‘Are you fuckin’ him?’ he asked with some abruptness, because what else, what else could she offer Logan that came close to what that man understood to be healing. He’d boasted of it often enough, all he’d ever needed was a good drink, a good fight and a good fuck.

She didn’t answer at first, ‘Are you fucking Kitty?’ He looked up at her with wide eyes, her bitter accusation as stinging as his own had been. He slowly shook his head; he hated them both for this.

For leaving him behind, leaving him to face down the stares of the rest of the mutants in the Academy every time she went after him, their pitied looks, poor Bobby, he may have got the girl at last, but where the hell is she? Guess she got another call from Logan.

And fuck, he deserved better than this, maybe this time he wouldn’t wait, not this time round. Kitty Pryde was young and pretty, and more importantly she didn’t leave when he called. He’d lately been spending more time with her simply to fill that gap Marie left behind.

She walked towards the door, stopping briefly to look at him, he turned away, and she sighed, her hand on the door handle before he finally spoke.
‘You didn’t answer my question…’ Are you fucking him Marie, are you going there to be with him, be with him in ways I’ve long known you could never, have never been with me?

She stopped, ‘Ya didn’t answer mine…’ Was he with Kitty, had he been with her whilst she’d been away?

He didn’t answer, she didn’t give him the chance to tell her he’d been unfaithful, because she knew couldn’t blame him if he had.

---

Truth was she hated him for this, hated him for calling her at three in the morning, ‘come and save me Marie.’

Selfish bastard, who was going to save her from him, save her from falling for him every time, hating herself for leaving behind a good thing, well maybe not a perfect thing, but her relationship with Bobby was a helluva lot more functional than the fucked up one she had with Logan.

But she never let on, couldn’t let anyone see, she had to be there every time he called, had to watch him fall apart so she could be the one to pick him up again, ‘cause he wouldn’t give her anything else.

So she put up with Bobby’s accusations, put up with the looks from the rest of the Academy when she got back, looks that said ‘poor fucked-up Marie, most of the time she doesn’t know if she’s coming or going.’ And they’d be right.

But she’d always answer that phone whenever he called, middle of the night, middle of the day, middle of a lesson, middle of her life, and even as she’d hate him for it she’d pack up and go after him, knowing all the time she deserved better.

When was she gonna learn, when was she gonna put herself first, would she ever tell him no? The best things for him always seemed to be the worst thing for her. She was tired of this, a cycle he’d created for himself, take on the world and then fall apart. Then call her.

Marie pulled into the dusty driveway of the rundown cheap motel lot, searching the door numbers for the one Logan had told her he was staying in. She found it at last, sighed deeply before she pushed the door open.

He always left it unlocked when he knew she was coming, she walked in and saw him sprawled out across the bed. He appeared so still that she wondered maybe; just maybe he’d gotten what he wanted this time, to be dead.

She approached him slowly and called out ‘Logan?’ softly. He didn’t move, she bent closer and stared hard at his bare chest, she let out a sigh of relief when it at last rose and fell. He was breathing, just.

Shaking her head, she dumped her bag on the floor and climbed on the bed beside him, she’d been driving most the night and she was dog-tired. Fully clothed, she lay flat out on the small bed beside him her face brushing against his raised forearms, folding her hands over her stomach she closed her eyes and promptly fell asleep.

She’d have to wait for him to wake up, seemed like all her life she was waiting for him.

---

Logan woke up at last, woke up to knowing he’d pushed himself too hard and too fast again and ended up calling her. He found her turned on her side sleeping next to him, curled up, her back against his. He sat up swinging his legs over the side and cursing himself for his stupidity, for his weakness.

Truth was he hated calling her, hated falling apart and having her pick him up again, knowing all the time he’d never be able to give her anything else.

He reached out and grabbed the bag she’d brought with her, as well as her own change of clothes she’d brought a fresh pair of jeans and shirt for him as well. They’d done this so many times; she knew instinctively what he’d need, clothes, some food, money, and a shaving kit.

He reached for the razor, shaking it loose from the rest of the stuff in the bag he headed for the bathroom. He stared at his face in the reflection of the mirror shifting his eyes slightly to the right as he watched her sleep.

She looked tired, dark rings under her eyes, and she’d lost weight since the last time he’d seen her, almost three months ago. He’d wanted to for so long to leave her behind, move on, to have enough strength to let her give up on him.

But he couldn’t, every time he swore he wouldn’t do this, wouldn’t call her, not this time…but he did and here she was, too damn tired for this, too damn good for him and deserving so much better.

---

They’d talked for hours, just sat in the bar ‘til closing time, she taking varied shots of seven-seven straight up and he swilling down the beer. Talking ‘bout everythin’ and nothin’ but deliberately missin’ out on all the things that should have come in between.

All the things she should have asked him about why he’d called her this time, what had made him fall, and how close had he gotten this time, how close to the end he’d always told her he’d wanted.

And all the things he should have told her, ‘bout how he kept seein’ red, a woman with red hair, red hair that spilled all round him as he plunged steel deadly claws into her body, as he spilled her blood, as he took her life. As he’d told her he loved her, and as she hadn’t returned the sentiment.

How he saw it all again, how it haunted him so he couldn’t sleep, so that he couldn’t breathe, so that he couldn’t see.

But instead they got drunk together, or she got drunk, it would take a good week of solid drinking for him to get as paralytic as she’d found him. So she got drunk and he carried her to his room and watched her spin dizzily laughing all the time and then pass out on the bed.

He sat on the floor in the opposite corner of the room, head held in his hands, hating himself ‘cause every time she’s here he’d wasted the time, wasted a little more of her life. But she never asked, and he was grateful for it, she never asked him to explain the reasons, the lies, and the truths, but instead she went along with as much or as little as he chose to tell her.

And what he chose to tell her was very little and often nothing at all. He couldn’t seem to escape it, the hell he’d created, and instead of pulling himself out of it he’d pulled her in. Every time he called her he pulled her in further, further into his nightmare existence that came so close to ending, so close to dying, but like he’d always said, never close enough.

Shutting his eyes tightly he sat for what must have been hours on that floor, it was almost first light before he slowly rose to his feet and made his way to the door, he looked back at Marie still sleeping.

He made his way over to her truck and opening the driver’s door sat down heavily. Resting his head back, he sat for a while before looking around her truck and smiling, bits of paper, sweet wrappers, and all sorts of junk littered her ride, a lot like his old beat up excuse for a vehicle.

He reached over to her glove compartment and flipping it open caught her music player in amongst the rest of the junk that fell out. She didn’t listen to the in-car stereo as she drove; he knew that about her, she’d said the only way to stay awake on some of those long drives in the middle of the night was to have the music blasting away directly in her ears. Loud, thumping sounds that helped keep her eyes open and on the road.

Curiosity led Logan to hit the play button, he’d never been tempted to listen to her music before, he’d heard enough of it when she’d played it at deafening decibels back when they’d both been at the Academy, and he’d shouted at her to turn it down.

This time the sounds that drifted into his ears was different, melancholy, haunting almost…he only listened to something of the chorus before he tore the headphones off and threw the device aside.

---

Marie heard him come stomping back in the room, slamming the door shut as he did and she watched through half-open eyes as he began to pile her things back into the bag. This was new, he’d never pushed her to leave before, usually he’d leave first, and most of the time when she was still asleep. And she wouldn’t know where he’d gone, ‘til the next time he called her.

She sat up, the room wasn’t spinning anymore, but she still had that sharp headache from having drunk too much the night before. She squinted at the bright sunlight that now shone in the room, ‘Logan…what are you doing?’

Her voice stopped him short; he threw the bag on the floor and sat down on the bed his back to her. ‘You should hate me, why don’t you hate me Marie?’

She looked towards him sadly, taking in the hardened muscles of his shoulders and back, maybe they’d have that talk after all. ‘Who’s to say ah don’t Logan?’

He turned around and looked at her sharply, she smiled and moved closer to him, ‘Ya know for the strongest guy around, ya sure can be one stupid ox …’

He shook his head at her, this was a mistake, letting her hold his hand, and letting her reach up to touch his face like that. And as she leaned in for a kiss he pulled back, mistake…damn mistake, that they’d regret, she’d regret.

But she moved closer until she was practically sitting in his lap, reaching up she wrapped her arms about his neck, ‘ya owe me this Logan…ya owe me…’
She pressed her face close to his, her breath coming short and fast, her lips edging closer to his mouth.

He gave in at last and pressed his lips firmly against hers, she was right he owed her, for all the times he’d interrupted her life, all the times he’d relied on her, for all the times he’d called on her to pick him up when he’d fallen apart.
She moaned as he increased the pressure on her lips, sighed as he pried her lips open with his tongue, groaned as his tongue reached in to duel with hers.

She moved back and eased herself down onto the bed bringing him down to lie on top of her. She moved insistently underneath him grinding her hips against his groin creating the friction they both needed.

Their clothes soon discarded he entered her roughly, she bit down on her lip to quell the whimper in her throat, but pain soon gave way to pleasure as he moved inside her, every thrust of his hip perfectly attuned to match hers. And they rode that wave together, of pleasure and longing and need, of knowing that something had changed between them irrevocably, almost as if he’d paid his debt to her.

As if he’d returned her numerous favours of saving him, and she would wonder later if he had planned it all along, if that’s all it was. She was dressed and ready to leave barely an hour later, he sat on the edge of the bed, determined that if nothing else this would make her hate him, she would have to hate him now.

But Marie smiled gently as she reached for the door handle, as if she knew something he didn’t. He called out to her before she stepped out, ‘Hey kid…ya should know, I won’t be callin’ you anymore.’

He waited for her reply, hoping she’d turn around and smack him square in the face just as he deserved, she didn’t. She reached inside her pocket and pulled out the phone, he caught it easily as she threw it at him.

‘Then ah guess ah won’t be needin’ this…’

---

‘She said
Oh well I don't mind, you don't mind
Cause I don't shine if you don't shine’

He played the words over in his head, funny how sitting on a kerb in the middle of the day under a baking hot sun can focus the mind. He’d finally figured it for what it was, he hadn’t just held her back, she’d let him.

Because she was as useless as he was, afraid and alone as him. Marie let him call in the middle of the night, she answered because she was hiding behind him, as long as she was putting him and his life together, she had no reason to confront the mess that was her own.

The realisation hit him like a punch to the guts; it was a lie, a false truth she’d been telling the both of them. But here it was at last, as long as he relied on her, as long as he looked to her for a lifeline, she’d always be waiting, stopping short of a future she deserved.

The dust from a passing car covered him a fine sheen of sand; he stood up and shook himself off. He began to walk, he wouldn’t do it anymore, wouldn’t let her live this lie, couldn’t let her hide behind his insecurities.

Tired of the lies she’d been telling them both, ‘I won’t let you do this anymore Marie.’ Head bent low he walked…and walked.

---

She’d always thought he’d call, eventually, but nearly six months on and nothing. Granted her throwing her phone at him hadn’t been the best idea, but she refused to make it easy for him. He could have called her on the line at the Academy, but nothing.

She’d walked away without a fight, wanting him to figure it out himself. To realise that sometimes a light doesn’t shine bright enough, not alone, and sometimes with people like her and Logan the light shone too bright and burned itself out, apart they were no good at all, but together, well maybe, just maybe they could climb out of the ditch, the hole they’d dug for themselves, and pass for something extraordinary.

He had to trust in himself, to know the nightmares that haunted and bled red had as much to do with a girl he’d killed as his fears that he would never be enough. That all he had and all he professed, love, shame and regret would never be enough.

It was time he knew that it was, for Marie, the girl who put her life on hold time and time again, it was more than enough.

She sat on her bed, the summer heat forcing her to keep both the room door and window open, she sat alone, listening to her music and trapped in her own lonely world. Bobby had left and she hadn’t blamed him, for the past month she’d seen him happy with Kitty and it was a relief.

She didn’t see the phone hurled at her until it almost hit her in the face and landed on her bed.

She looked up to see an annoyed Peter walk past her room, she scowled at him as she turned off the music and picked up the cordless phone from the den.

‘Hey Marie, how ‘bout you join the twenty-first century and get a phone like the rest of us…,’ he called out disapprovingly to her.

‘Why don’t ya just get lost…’ she’d been more ill tempered than usual lately.

‘Yeah…?’ he smirked as he walked away, ‘maybe next time I just don’t tell you when you get a call…’

‘Maybe next time ya’ll do us all a favour and walk off a cliff...’ she swore at him as she crossed quickly to the door and slammed it shut.

She heard him mutter some obscenity as he stomped away, before she turned her attention to the phone in her hand.

‘Hello…?’ she spoke tentatively, unsure as to who would be on the other end.

‘Hey kid…’ she smiled, Logan. She’d known he’d call…. eventually, trying hard to calm her voice; she attempted to sound as indifferent as she’d always been.

‘Logan…where are ya?’ It was her usual response and though it hurt to say, she’d be ready to pack again, ready to go to him if that’s what he needed, maybe they’d never be close as they had once gotten, but for now it was enough that he’d called.

‘Not too far this time kid…’ Marie had to puzzle over his words for a while and she was still thinking when a knock on her door distracted her, more than a little pissed off at being interrupted in the middle of a very important call and thinking that perhaps it was Peter come to have another go at her she opened the door in a state.

And almost dropped the phone from her hand, it wasn’t Peter, but Logan, stood outside her door, holding her phone and covered in dust from head to foot. He smiled that damn lopsided smirk at her and she could only stare.

‘You definitely won’t have to drive…’

It was then Marie knew, this was what it was supposed to be, when the person on the other side of your door can read your fears as easily as you can read theirs, when they told you they weren’t gonna call you again, because as grateful as they were to you for saving them it was about time they returned the favour.

Some lights don’t shine bright enough, can never shine bright enough, but together, together maybe they can be something extraordinary.

---

"Read My Mind"-The Killers

On the corner of main street
Just tryin' to keep it in line
You say you wanna move on and
You say I'm falling behind

Can you read my mind?
Can you read my mind?

I never really gave up on
Breakin' out of this two-star town
I got the green light
I got a little fight
I'm gonna turn this thing around

Can you read my mind?
Can you read my mind?

The good old days, the honest man;
The restless heart, the Promised Land
A subtle kiss that no one sees;
A broken wrist and a big trapeze

Oh well I don't mind, you don't mind
Cause I don't shine if you don't shine
Before you go, can you read my mind?

It’s funny how you just break down
Waitin' on some sign
I pull up to the front of your driveway
With magic soakin' my spine

Can you read my mind?
Can you read my mind?

The teenage queen, the loaded gun;
The drop dead dream, the Chosen One
A southern drawl, a world unseen;
A city wall and a trampoline

Oh well I don't mind, you don't mind
Cause I don't shine if you don't shine
Before you go
Tell me what you find when you read my mind

Slippin’ in my faith until I fall
You never returned that call
Woman, open the door, don't let it sting
I wanna breathe that fire again

She said
Oh well I don't mind, you don't mind
Cause I don't shine if you don't shine

Put your back on me
Put your back on me
Put your back on me

The stars are blazing like rebel diamonds cut out of the sun
When you read my mind