Part 12- ‘Sweet Surrender...’
‘Logan!’ She screamed at him, and her voice carried through at last, his claws held merely inches away from her face, he stopped at last. Her scream resonated through the trees, punching through the air and carried away into an echo.
He stopped snarling and looked closely at her, her eyes were streaming with tears, but he saw her at last, Marie, his Marie, she had broken through, and it was she who was screaming for her life.
His hands faltered and his arms shook, as the horror of what he had almost done dawned him. The grip around her throat slackened and she fell to her knees, gasping and bracing her hands on the ground in front of her, she wept openly at last.
It burned, the horror that would not abate, the pounding in the back of her head that slammed harder and harder until the aching flooded all her senses and she felt herself drift away once more. Blinding pain that surrounded, pointed screams that gathered in momentum, her head hung low and everything ached, from her heavy limbs down to the tears that flowed from her pained red eyes.
She let her eyes shut heavily, the lids drooping languidly as she let the walls of her mind slip away, the blackness surrounding her once more and she felt herself pulled away again into that black, abject nothingness.
And she heard it again, the bitter unforgiving laughter, pouring out of the depths, she was here, and at that Marie snapped her eyes open, her teeth gritted and she shook her head, shook herself back into consciousness.
Reaching up Marie gripped her hair tightly, lacing the strands between her fingers she tugged forcefully, focusing in on the sharp pain. But still she persisted, the laughter and her voice honed in on her, a voice ripped from the depth of bitter nightmares and half memories, voices borne from the darkness and harsh bright green lights.
‘Look at that kid; you’re right back where ya started, on your knees in front of him.’
‘Fuck off…’ she screamed, tugging at her hair harder, ‘jus’ fuck the hell off and leave me alone!’
‘Uh-uh careful little girl, you’re beginnin’ to hurt my feelings, anybody would think ya didn’t want me around…’ she laughed and Marie shook her head.
Logan moved closer slowly, still unsure, he knelt in front of her and Marie could see his lips moving, could see him saying something, speaking to her in soft gentle tones but it meant nothing, she heard nothing.
It was a haze, the world flooded in a bright green light, so bright it pricked against her eyes and she blinked.
Afraid, Marie was so afraid to close her eyes; her voice was strongest then, her laughter ringing, the hollow sound of bitter accusation rattling around, bouncing against the walls of her mind.
It felt so crowded up there, so many murmurs, rumours, whispers, but her voice, her soft voice so much like her own but tinged with added menace, her voice resounded the loudest, like an incessant drum beat, thumping louder and louder, drowning out everything else.
Beating over the sounds of Logan’s words, beating over the sound of her heartbeat, on and on…louder and louder, until Marie clamped both hands over her ears, fearing the sound would burst through, convinced her ear drums were bleeding from the insanity of it all.
Logan reached out for her, but she stumbled backwards and out of his reach, she could hear nothing, sense nothing, except this, the pain of having her inside.
‘Leave…leave…’ she whispered, ‘please leave…’
‘You’re makin’ a mistake Marie, ya have to go back, go back to them, they’ll take care of ya. They’ve always taken care of ya…’
‘Who…?’ Marie spat out, ‘who’s gonna take care of me? Who are ya?’ So many questions, she had so many things that needed answering, maybe in that lay sanity. Maybe with that she could learn to crawl back, fight for it, and get back to something of what she had been.
‘Ya know who…’ came back the reply, short and concise.
An image flashed through her mind, being strapped down to a gurney, being bound and looking up to see his face, a hard set jaw, white hair, the quiet air of authority, she could feel his fingers brushing against her cheek even now, gentle hands that brushed strands of her hair back, tucking the loose locks behind her ear.
Her eyes drifted shut, and despite the fear, the hollowness of a mindset slipping away, she felt comforted, not by the man, but by the touch. This touch that bespoke tenderness but strength, and resolve, protection, survival…here, here in this touch.
She opened her eyes slowly, to see Logan’s fingers slowly trailing down her face, staring at her, his feral eyes narrowed in concern; he was pulling her back, reaching out and bringing her back from the brink. Catching her as she fell, arms steadied as she slipped, slipped in her faith but he was here…Logan.
‘No…not Logan…!’
Marie gritted her teeth, cursing loudly, she pushed Logan away and scrambled backwards, and still the sounds thumped louder and louder, an incessant noise that would not cease, an insistent drumming, beating at the far recesses, beating, breaking, battered and bruised.
‘What d’ya want from me? Who are ya?’
Who are you to hound in on me like this, what should I do to hold on to what I am, how can I survive this, with you and the others in here, how can I survive without losing my fuckin’ mind?
Have I lost it already?
For the longest moment the answers would not come, they were silent, she was silent, and Marie wondered what she feared the most, the silence in between or the answers that were sure to come.
‘We are you, we are the darkest recesses of you, the anger, the fucked up memories, the hate and the rage that burns inside, the lust for death you carry, the murderous thoughts, the brutal, and the fucked up. All the parts of your soul you thought you could cut away, the part you wanted to kill, and the part you thought you cured…’
Marie’s eyes widened in horror, ‘No, no you’re not a part of me…no…no…NO!’
It couldn’t be right, all the things she’d done since, all the life she’d lived since letting Rogue, since letting that part of life fall away, it had been for nothing, it had meantnothing if she had never escaped at all, not really.
But still she persisted, ‘Yes, we are the part that has kept you alive; remember in the forest, when they came after you, who was there? US! We kept you runnin’, showed you how, showed you what to do, come on Marie, you know I’m right.’
Marie closed her eyes as the events of a few nights ago played like a demented movie reel in her mind, and she saw what she had done, saw the men she had killed, bloody messes that she’d left behind, the lives she’d taken.
‘See, ya know, its right there, what ya are…what we are. How else do ya think you managed to take on that SUV? What, ya think ya learned to handle a truck like that in drivers Ed?’
And there it was again, the cruel laughter, the triumphant smile, the cruel knowledge that Marie really wasn’t strong enough, that in the end all she’d put up was this pathetic fight, one last gasp at reality, one last throw at being the one in control.
The tears streamed down her face, and she attempted one last fight against the cold resignation of it all, ‘Ya’ll can’t be a part of me, you’re the poison in the vials, you’re the cold comfort of death in the syringes, you are what they have made me into, you are what broke me, you are what they poured into me…’
‘No Marie, we are what they drew out of you, not what they poured in but what they finally unleashed. Why d’ya think they chose ya? But we can make you stronger than you’ve ever been, tougher, no one’s gonna hurt ya again, we can make ya feel it…jus’ let go, let us take over, let me take over, and I promise ya darlin’ I’ll make ya feel all of it and more.’
Marie’s vice like grip on her hair at last slipped, the promises, and the sweet seduction was a chink of light in all the darkness, she offered so much, heal me, save me from all this pain and all this sorrow, and in return all I am asked to give is this body, this mind, this soul.
This battered and bruised body, this embittered soul, this pained mind and this heart, this aching that has suffered so much, to be strong, to be spared from all the suffering, to be free at last, was it really such a sacrifice?
She faltered, her mind drifted away, back to the sweet embrace, the promise of invincibility…, just let it go.
Marie’s eyes slammed shut, no fear, no pain…just surrender, she must have swayed on her knees because the next thing she knew he was on his knees before her, holding her by the arms, steadying her, holding her upright. Logan grabbed her firmly by the sides of her face, prising her eyes open, he forced her to look, to stare into his eyes as he shouted her name over and over again.
Marie…Marie…just Marie, not them, not the others, Marie…can’t let them take this from you; don’t let them take this from you.
Sensing that something was ready to be awakened once more, a light reignited, a hope renewed, she pushed further, screamed louder in Marie’s troubled mind, louder than Logan, louder than the thumping of an incessant beat, louder than everything else.
‘He hurts ya, remember how he pushed ya away, remember how he made ya feel, worthless, unwanted, unneeded, ya were willin’ to give him everything Marie, he didn’t want ya then, he doesn’t want ya now…he’s just holdin’ ya back, he knows, knows what ya can do, what we can be…’
Marie groaned, Logan he had always been closest, even when he had hurt her, even when she had walked away, he had been the one, the image that had kept pounding away at her, Logan…
‘No…not Logan…’
She moved back further, pulling herself away, the single mantra pursuing her with every step, not Logan…not Logan. Her hands brushed against something covered in leaves, nestling behind her back, the cold hard metal of the Glock.
She ran her fingers over the chamber, the barrel, and the trigger, she stared hard at Logan as he approached still, her fingers moved instinctively over the safety, turning it off, and the gun was ready, primed…deadly cargo waiting to be fired. Hollow tipped bullets, screaming pain…bone shattering misery.
Marie could feel the smile playing on her lips, the steadiness with which she raised the weapon concealed out of sight from Logan who stepped closer and closer, unsuspecting he took the few steps that brought him within a few feet of her.
‘Do it…Marie ya can’t trust him, shoot the bastard, there’s gotta be a least a couple rounds left, empty them all, hit him right between the eyes…it’ll keep him down, who knows maybe ya can take him out…DO IT!’
Marie raised the weapon at last, bringing it up, holding it at arms length to catch him, to hold him in the cross hairs, straight down the sight of the barrel, aiming right between his eyes…
Marie gritted her teeth, the smile remained, cold hard calculating and Logan stopped short, he readied himself for what he thought was coming, Marie hadn’t been strong enough, she’d lost and the others had taken over, she had taken over. The girl he loved, the girl he knew was gone, and it was all he could do not to fall to his knees and beg for the same fate.
His feet remained rooted to the spot, he watched her level the gun at him, and he stared past the deadly metal pointed at him, looked past it and into her eyes, and realised all at once something was different, there was a light, something was holding on, something…Marie.
She nodded at him, a slight inclination of the head, barely noticeable but it was a sign, I am here…I am still holding on.
And then he watched in horror as she slowly lowered the weapon, growling fiercely she raised it again, this time aiming it not at Logan but at herself! She pressed the barrel in the side of her temple, pushing it deep, holding it tight against the side of her head.
Willing and ready to blow her own brains out.
She looked at him all the while, the wild look in her eyes screaming at him to stay back, to keep away, she was in control and this was what she wanted.
‘What the fuck are ya doin’? Ya stupid bitch, don’t do this, ya can’t do this…!’
It was Marie’s turn to laugh, and laugh she did, a hollow manic sound that sent her entire body shaking, ‘Careful little girl, anyone would think ya were scared…’ she muttered to herself, the manic sadistic smile curling her lips.
‘Ya don’t have it in ya…ya ain’t got the balls Marie, you’re nothin’ without us…Logan was right ‘bout ya, still that lost little gal, can’t see what right in front of your fuckin’ face…!’
‘Darlin’ don’t talk to me about balls, leave…!’ Marie screamed, ‘leave or ah fuck us all to hell!’
The silence seemed to go on forever, Marie’s finger itched on the trigger, gently she eased the hammer back and this close to her ear the sound of the bullet slotting into its chamber resounded like an almighty roar.
Her answer came at last, a low chuckle, starting slowly growing at last into a throaty laugh, ‘Feels good don’t it Marie? Bein’ in control, bein’ the one holdin’ all the cards, aces and spades darlin’ but looks like you’re still short of a full deck…’
Marie’s brow furrowed, and she couldn’t help but chuckle along, ‘You’re one to be callin’ me insane, guess ya can fuck the irony right?’
‘Think ah underestimated ya darlin’, but we both know ya ain’t gonna pull the trigger, fucked up little gal that ya are, ya ain’t gonna blow your brains out.’
Marie shrugged her shoulders, ‘No?’ Her finger jerked the trigger back, the hammer was pulled all the way, the bullet was settled neatly into its chamber and when the crack of the bullet leaving the chamber came, it came with a scream.
‘Marie!’ She shut her eyes against the sound of Logan screaming her name, the haunting sounds that cleared the trees in a single breath.
She shut her eyes against the sound of her now thundering heartbeat, and surrendered to the image of the bullet leaving the gun, burning hot metal coming to pierce her skin, to make the blackness permanent.
And Marie smiled as the voice inside her screamed, ‘NO!’
The bullet screamed through the air, precious nanoseconds it took for the deadly cargo to leave the chamber at a speed uncountable, torching the still air, and coming to embed itself deep…deep in the bark of a tree.
She’d moved, at the last second she’d moved the gun slightly to the right, the Glock had spit out the bullet, whizzing past her face, screaming millimetres past her nose and coming to explode into the tree on her far right.
Time had slowed and she watched the metal spin past her gaze, it hit the wood with a massive impact, splinters flew far and wide, the damage spread like a wild flower bursting on the surface of the tree, rippling outwards, the hollow tipped bullet opening up once inside, maximum impact, maximum damage.
Logan screwed his eyes tight and reminded himself to breathe again, his heart was in his mouth, and he cursed her loudly when she stared up at him still smiling.
The Glock was an automatic reload; Marie simply lifted the weapon and pressed it against her temple, her finger hovering over the trigger once more. She seemed addicted to the madness of it all, confronting the voices that she had silenced at last.
‘Guess ah’ve made my point, or do we need a second demonstration?’ She whispered challengingly, ‘cause the next time ah pull this trigger me and y’all are gonna have a long trip straight back to hell.’
‘Ya think you’re pretty clever huh Marie? You’re fuckin’ insane, thing is ah kinda like that. Fine, ya got yourself a deal, we’ll leave… but we ain’t going far, we’re in for the long haul baby, you and us, it’s a match made in heaven.’
‘Whatever, just fuck off ya little shit…’ Marie spat back.
She laughed, ‘You’re gonna need us soon, and guess what darlin’ every time, every single damn time we’re gonna come screamin’ back…’
They sat in the truck, minus a door and a few windows, Logan stared out over the windscreen, staring out at the long road that stretched ahead of them. He gripped the wheel tightly, and breathed deep, he couldn’t bring himself to look at her, Marie was back, but she seemed as far away as she had ever done.
He had been ready to kill her, the Wolverine inside had been ready to claw her to pieces, it sure was one fucked up situation.
His voice hoarse and thick, he spoke quietly as she sat back leaning deep into the seat, her eyes shut tight. ‘Marie, ah came so close, d’ya know ah almost killed you?’
She opened her eyes at last and turned to look at him, her smile, a gentle smile reassured him.
‘Ah know Logan, but its fine, ah wasn’t there, ya were right when ya thought ah was gone…ah nearly was…’ she reached out and placed a hand on his arm.
‘Besides sugah, its not like it would have been the first time, ya already killed me once before, remember…?’ She placed a hand above her heart, it had seemed like a lifetime ago, that night he had plunged his claws deep inside her, caught in the midst of a nightmare he had killed her, ripped her heart to shreds.
His shoulders slumped forward, ‘Yeah ah remember, how could I forget?’ That night had haunted him, another nightmare to settle alongside the ones he already carried.
‘Yeah, and ah killed ya twice over in return, so ah guess this makes us kinda even, unless ya plan on counting the bullet hole?’ She asked him laughingly.
The tension in him eased at last, he flexed his shoulder, the injury from where she had shot him already healed.
They sat quietly for a few minutes more, Logan leant forward and started the truck, he let the engine warm up while he looked at her closely, she was staring out of the windscreen, her expression quiet, calm almost.
‘Marie…are they gone…is she gone?’
She turned to smile at him, ‘Yeah Logan…she’s gone.’
‘Liar…’
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Author's Chapter Notes:
She pressed the barrel in the side of her temple, pushing it deep, holding it tight against the side of her head. Willing and ready to blow her own brains out.
Feels good don’t it Marie? Bein’ in control, bein’ the one holdin’ all the cards, aces and spades darlin’ but looks like you’re still short of a full deck…’
A/N:I could have left it with a another stomach churning cliffie, but I was a little worried ct xfan would hunt me down and torture me in ways unknown, so only a small cliffie, the slightest, not all that painful right...?
Feels good don’t it Marie? Bein’ in control, bein’ the one holdin’ all the cards, aces and spades darlin’ but looks like you’re still short of a full deck…’
A/N:I could have left it with a another stomach churning cliffie, but I was a little worried ct xfan would hunt me down and torture me in ways unknown, so only a small cliffie, the slightest, not all that painful right...?