When I heard the door to the room I shared with Jubilee and Kitty quietly open, I wasn't sure how much time had passed.
I hadn't slept for one second, of course, but done a fairly good job at pretending, because I didn't want the girls to worry. They had noticed something was off but I had blamed it on still feeling a little out of it from all the changes that had been made to my head, told them I was really exhausted and gone straight to bed.
I hadn't been able to discuss my feelings with them yet, because it was all still a little too vague. I was mad; I really was, but I wasn't sure who to be mad at, which magnified the frustration factor of it.
I certainly couldn't be mad at Logan, when he cared about me more than anyone and didn't even understand what he'd done wrong. The Professor? He was trying to save the world and that had blinded him a little, but he would never put any of us in greater danger than he knew we could handle. Scott was a good scapegoat, but regardless of the crap he pulled on us, he meant well; in his own sort of way.
In fact, everyone had all the best intentions. It was frustrating as hell and I was left with anger and fear and nobody to blame. Well, maybe Magneto. Or Sabretooth. Eventually, it didn't matter who I took my anger out on, because it wouldn't make me feel any better. It was all just an outlet for the unbearable fear that threatened to take over if only I let it.
It was foolish for Logan to fight in any battle that involved Magneto but I also understood why he had did it, or believed he had to do it. And though I didn't doubt his combat skills, I knew that Magneto's powers were something he was defenseless against. Excluding myself, he was probably the only one who was capable of killing Logan, and that...a shiver ran down my spine and I involuntarily contracted my muscles to the state of cramping.
Choosing to try and stop Logan from going by simply being stubborn wasn't the smartest, most mature or even most effective technique I could come up with, but it had seemed to be the only one I had a shot with at all.
Listening carefully for the silent sound of the door being closed again, I stayed perfectly still and tried to keep my breathing steady even though it probably wouldn't do anything to fool Logan (I assumed it was him, who else would have the nerve to sneak into our room at night?).
I kept my eyes closed as I felt his presence come closer and heard him sit down on the floor by the side of my bed. He didn't say anything, pretending to buy my act of being asleep. I felt his heavy gaze on me, attentively taking in every detail of my sleeping form as if it was the first time he saw me.
After a few minutes, I opened my eyes and met his sad, vulnerable look.
“What are you doing here?” I mumbled weakly.
My roommates finding us cute when we held hands during dinner was one thing, having him in our room in the middle of the night was another.
He seemed to contemplate his answer for a moment, which I used to push the covers aside and sit up in bed, clumsily stretching out one leg to retrieve my shoes from the floor by the end of the bed. If we were going to talk, it wouldn't be in here. I had pondered taking a walk around the gardens to get some air for a while, so I figured now was the time.
Before I could rise and start looking for something to wear over my t-shirt – probably an item from either Jubilee's or Kitty's wardrobe, which they had generously offered to me – Logan bent his upper body forward and rested his head on my knees, facing away from me. It was as much a gesture of endearment as it was of surrender to me.
I tangled my hands in his hair and stroked his head everywhere I safely could. If I got a dose of his thoughts and feelings now, I surely wouldn't be able to keep from crying.
“I couldn't sleep without you,” he said, answering my question with a barely audible whisper.
I had to close my eyes for a second, because I suddenly felt like I was falling. Such simple words, yet they said 'I love you' more clearly than anything else could have.
When I had regained my composure, I leaned down to return the vows by kissing his hair and letting him feel my warm breath against the side of his face.
“Let's go for a walk,” I muttered and straightened my shoulders back into an upright position, reaching for the pair of gloves onto my bedside table.
“No.”
He lifted his head and met my eyes. “No gloves, I mean.”
“Okay.” I nodded and we both rose to our feet. On our way out, I made a quick stop at the closet and grabbed one of Jubilee's jackets.
Logan grunted disapprovingly as he watched me put it on.
“Smells all wrong on you.”
“At least that'll distract you from the fact that it's yellow,” I replied with a small smile, receiving a short twitch of his lips in return.
We quietly made our way out of the Mansion and into the gardens. Even at night, without all the colors, they looked beautiful. Neither of us spoke for some time, we simply walked side by side, his gloved hand holding on to mine with almost desperate force.
“I'm sorry I was stupid before,” I broke the silence after a while. “I'm just...scared.”
“I know. Same here.”
“I'm trying to understand, and I guess some part of me does, but I don't want you to go.”
He didn't answer to that, which gave me a clue to what his reply would have been: He would go, regardless of what I wanted or what he really wanted.
We went over to sit on a bench that I had spotted – in fact, it was the very bench on which I had made the decision to leave the school because someone disguised as Bobby had told me to. The moment seemed so long ago, like from another lifetime.
Watching Logan stare into the silent gardens pensively, I wondered what it would be like not to know my past. Would I have dealt with my mutation better if I hadn't had any memories of a life without it? I certainly wouldn't mind losing a few of the happy memories, because they were the ones that hurt the most. Even though I was happy now; happier than I had been in a long time, looking back on the person I had once been still tore at my heart.
The real question was, if I didn't know, would I want to? I knew Logan desperately wanted to know all about his past and I would fulfill that wish all too gladly. But would it really make him feel better to know or would he start wishing he didn't?
The responsibility weighed heavily on my shoulders, but in the end it wasn't my decision to make. In fact, I should have told him right after the Professor had shown me how to access the hidden memories in my head, but somehow there hadn't been time. The day had been too short to hold all the things had happened. I would leave it up to him, I decided and took a deep breath, readying myself.
“Logan...when the Professor showed me how to unlock the stuff in my mind this morning, there was a reason.”
He looked at me expectantly, not moving.
“When I touched Sabretooth...I got some stuff about you. Apparently he knew you before you lost your memory. I'm not sure what it is because I haven't looked at it yet...that felt a little intrusive. All I remember is that it's from a long time ago and that you're in it.”
Logan ran his hand through his hair a couple of times, his expression unreadable.
“So I...could tell you. If you wanna know.”
He hesitated for a long time and suddenly laughed dryly, shaking his head. “It's strange, I've been trying to find out about my past all this time and now...”
“You're scared?” I asked softly.
“Yeah, don't tell Scott,” came the gruff reply.
“You sure? That'll be tough, I actually tell him about everything that happens in my life, he's no.1 on my speed dial.”
Logan smiled at my lame joke, but his mind was visibly preoccupied with other things.
“Okay, so let's do this, huh?” he said in a tight voice, taking one of my hands in his and interlacing our fingers. He was afraid, more so than I had expected. If only I'd known what was expecting us, I could have calmed him down a little. But I was as clueless and nervous as he was.
“I'm here. You're not doing this alone. And whatever we see...it won't change anything between us, okay? I'm here for you. Always.”
That was all I could do for him before I descended into the very back of my mind to unlock the secrets that Sabretooth's memories held.
It was like turning a key in a lock – that was the easy part that the Professor had shown me. He hadn't prepared me for the next thing that happened though. I felt like I was absorbing Sabretooth all over again. I had opened the flood gates and now his thoughts and memories rushed over me in a forceful wave, consuming all of me.
I must have screamed or kicked my legs or done something equally upsetting because I suddenly felt Logan's hands on my shoulders, squeezing them tightly and shaking me.
“Marie! Come back!”
“Huh...” I opened my eyes with a soft moan and everything was clear again.
Logan let out a deep breath and his hands dropped into my lap, holding mine again.
“Jeez, baby, you scared the hell out of me.”
“Sorry.” I smiled weakly. “I'm fine. I was just a little overwhelmed for a sec.”
“If this is gonna hurt you or anything, then - ”
“It won't,” I cut him off softly. “I'm all good now. You ready?”
He nodded and I looked for an appropriate place to start in the bulk of memories that were by now controllably floating around my head.
“Your name is James,” I began. “James Howlett. You were born in the late 1830s.”
Logan looked at me in disbelief but didn't say anything.
“You were sick a lot as a kid...when you didn't have your powers yet. Your best friend was...oh my God...”
I paused, sorting through the images in my head as if they might change upon second viewing.
“What? Who was my friend?” Logan asked worriedly.
“His name used to be Victor Creed, but now he's - ”
“Sabretooth,” he choked out.
“Yeah...and he...was actually your brother...half-brother...you didn't know, but then his father came out and told you, after he killed the man you believed to be your father. You were about 8 or 9 years old. And you...”
I hesitated again, holding my breath before the rest of the words tumbled out.
“You killed your father. You didn't know, you didn't mean to...but you were so angry all of sudden and your claws came out for the first time and...you just....”
“Stop,” Logan breathed.
I stared at the ground, collecting myself. I was shocked and upset, seeing those images...but I would never be scared of Logan. I had already forgiven him anything he might have done in the past without knowing what it was. It didn't matter. Those things had happened a long time ago.
He would have a hard time believing that I didn't care what he or hadn't done; I could already see it on his face. He turned away when I tried to meet his eyes, probably expecting to see disgust.
“It's okay,” I whispered quietly.
“It's not...I was like that when I was 8 years old, Marie. That's...I'm not sure I wanna hear about the next 200 years.”
I lifted my hands to softly rub his shoulders, but he still didn't look at me.
“Do you want me to go on?” I asked after a while and he nodded silently, as I had expected. The feeling inside me was like the sick fascination with which people watch a traffic accident. It was horrible, yet you couldn't look away.
“You ran way with Victor. He looked out for you, taught you what you needed to know...you became soldiers.”
I forwarded through centuries of fights and battles, lining them up with the little historical knowledge I had.
“You were in the Civil War, both World Wars, Vietnam...you fought side by side, but Victor always felt like you were restraining him. He was violent, uncontrollable...you tried to hold him back, but it didn't always work. And still, despite your differences, you always had each other's back...”
I watched Logan's face for a reaction, but it was void of emotion. He was still staring to the ground, unable to look at me.
“One day, Victor killed one of your superiors...and you were executed, both of you. You survived because of your powers and I guess they didn't know what to do with you, so they just kept you in a cell for a while.
That's when this man named Stryker found you. He offered you to be part of a special team of mutants...you worked for him for a while. I'm not sure what exactly he did half of the time, Victor never asked or cared, but it wasn't pretty. Or legal, you know...and...I don't wanna...you probably don't wanna know any more about that anyway...”
The few images I had seen of the work they had done for Stryker were enough to make me skip forward through the rest, just like I had done with the wars.
Logan groaned and covered his face in his hands. I could tell he was disgusted with himself, more so by the minute. Yet I couldn't stop with the story, I had to get it all out while the strange indifference with which Victor viewed his violent tendencies still had me able to.
“After a while you left the group, because you didn't like their methods...you hear that, Logan? You left. You...Victor isn't sure about the first couple of years, but he knows that when he came back later on, you were living with this girl, in a cabin up in the Canadian Rockies and you had a regular job and all...I think you were really happy,” I finished encouragingly.
He raised his head to look at me, a dark expression in his eyes. “It doesn't end there, does it?”
“No,” I replied quietly. “But just remember that that kind of life was what you wanted. Not the fighting and the killing...you're not like Victor, you never were.”
“Tell me about the claws,” Logan said, ignoring my assurances.
“Well...it gets a little complicated here. Victor made you believe that he'd killed Kayla – that was your girlfriend's name – and you went after him. But...he's just as strong as you are, so you couldn't kill him.
Eventually, you let Stryker perform a procedure on you that gave you the adamantium, so that you'd be stronger than Victor. But Stryker wanted to erase your memory and use you as a weapon and you escaped...it was really the point of the procedure to turn you into Weapon X and to steal your powers for another project of his, Weapon XI...
...you fought against his people and talked to some of your old contacts to find out where his new lab was...Victor knew about all that but he wasn't actually there to see any of it.
The first time you met again was when you were talking to this guy, Gambit, who was the only one to ever escape from Stryker's facilities. You fought with Victor and almost killed him...Gambit interrupted the fight and he escaped. I guess Gambit took you to the island where Stryker had his labs...
...he held a lot of mutants there, performing experiments on them, much like the adamantium procedure. You found out that Victor and Stryker had been working together the entire time and that Stryker had promised Victor the same adamantium skeleton you have in return. But when he asked for it, Stryker said he wouldn't survive the procedure and refused to perform it on him.
You also found out then that Kayla wasn't really dead. She cooperated with them to safe her sister, who was one of the mutants that Stryker kept on the island.”
“So I let them give me the adamantium? To kill my brother, because I wanted to avenge the death of my girlfriend, who betrayed me.” Logan shook his head. “That's...I always thought it was something that someone had done to me...but I wanted it...”
He abruptly stepped up from the bench and started pacing back and forth in front of me.
“And now I'm stuck with these, no memories and Victor is still alive. That's just...that's ironic,” he spit out angrily.
“Logan...”
He flinched at the soft sound of my pleading voice.
“I don't deserve your sympathy...all the things that happened to me...it was all my fault, my decision. I'm a monster, Marie...”
“Logan, wait. You're not...you wanted it, yes, but they tricked you into it...I'm just gonna finish the story, okay?”
He didn't reply, but stopped walking around and stood very still, watching me intently.
“Kayla didn't really betray you. She only did it for her sister...you two set all the mutants free and saved them. You saved so many lives that night, Logan. And...Victor saved yours. Not out of noble motives, but he did. You were fighting the mutant with combined powers that Stryker had put together, Weapon XI...he was insanely powerful but you and Victor fought him together and killed him.
I'm not entirely sure what happened after, but according to Victor's knowledge of Stryker's plans, he must have shot you with adamantium bullets to erase all your memories.”
“And when I woke up, there was a dead woman lying on the beach and some guy with a helicopter...”
“Kayla and Gambit,” I whispered. “She must have gotten hurt while you were helping the prisoners escape...”
I got up and walked over to where Logan was standing; slowly, so I wouldn't startle him. I wasn't sure how he would react to anything right now, so I came to a halt a few feet away from him. He seemed profoundly disturbed by the missing parts of his life and I almost expected him to lash out at me if I touched him.
But – no, he would never do that, I reminded myself and crossed the remaining distance between us with a determined step, extending my arm and carefully placing my hand on his chest, over his heart. I looked up to him, meeting his pained eyes for only once second before he closed them.
I half-expected him to push me away or run from me, but instead his arms wrapped around my waist, pulling me into an embrace before I felt him bury his face against my shoulder, dry sobs shaking his body.
The Wolverine & Rogue Fanfiction Archive
Barely Legal Since 2000
Author's Chapter Notes:
I'm assuming we've all seen Origins by now - but I don't wanna ruin it for those who might not have gotten around to it yet, so here goes a...
!!spoiler warning!!
kthanx ;)
(you'll still understand the rest of the story even if you skip this chapter, there's not that much happening other than Marie telling him about his past)
!!spoiler warning!!
kthanx ;)
(you'll still understand the rest of the story even if you skip this chapter, there's not that much happening other than Marie telling him about his past)
Chapter End Notes:
I hope I didn't make any mistakes with the 'Origins' plot, my memories were already a little sketchy in some places (as was Wikipedia... xD )
...if I did, don't hesitate to merrily point them out to me or, you know, send an angry Logan my way or something ;)
...if I did, don't hesitate to merrily point them out to me or, you know, send an angry Logan my way or something ;)