After breakfast, we packed up the little possessions we had (which were mostly clothes that belonged to me) and got ready to get on the road again.
I wasn't sure where we were, but it didn't seem important enough to ask.
The heavy knot in my stomach that was full of anger, fear and sadness was gradually being dissolved by the occasional sensation of happiness and a strange serenity. Receiving strength from the desperate grip with which Logan and I held on to each other as if something was trying to tear us apart any moment now, I was reluctantly allowing myself to have hope.
Of course the bright light at the end of my personal tunnel was still somewhat hidden behind the obstacles that lay ahead of us; my skin being the major one. Logan was doing his best to just ignore it; or pretend not to be bothered by it for my sake, but I saw the pain it caused him every time and my sympathy and regret knew no boundaries.
Then there was of course the question of how our lives would go on. I wouldn't have hesitated to agree, had he asked me to stay on the road with him forever. But the more rational part of my mind told me that I needed an education, a job, house. Stability. I needed the Professor's school...eventually.
We hadn't talked much since we had left the hotel. Logan was probably quiet because he was still very exhausted and had to concentrate on driving and I just didn't know what to say.
My arms wound tightly around him, I pressed my cheek against his back and, this time, dared to open my eyes and enjoy the scenery that was rushing by. We were driving down a deserted road somewhere between a chain of snow-covered mountains, much like the one we had been on before his trailer had been attacked.
“How you feelin' back there?” Logan suddenly asked, interrupting my thoughts.
“I'm good.”
“I want you to try something,” he said solemnly and I felt his arm reach back and wrap around my waist, holding me in place. “Do you trust me?”
“Yes,” I said without hesitation.
“Okay.” I couldn't see the smile cross his face, but it colored every syllable.
“And now, I want you to let go.”
It took me a moment to comprehend his request. Let go? We were easily going 60 miles an hour and I had just come to terms with opening my eyes during the ride. Holding on to him with all the strength I could muster up was pretty much my life insurance at this point.
“Trust me,” he repeated and I eventually started to loosen my steel grip around his body, vocalizing my fear in a tortured whimper.
“It's okay,” he reassured me.
I managed to relax my pounding heart and the cramping muscles of my arms enough to pull back so that only my hands were lightly resting on his hips now.
“You're doing good,” Logan encouraged me and I felt him speed up the motorcycle by the tiniest bit.
“Are you sure you wanna go faster right now?” I asked shakily, keeping my fingers from grabbing a hold of his jacket only with great effort.
He ignored my question and we went yet a little faster. In a futile attempt to calm myself down, I concentrated on his secure grip around my waist, reminding myself that his metal-covered bones would in fact keep me much safer than my weak attempts at clinging to him could ever be able to.
“You need to take off your gloves now,” Logan instructed me softly but firmly.
I stared at my shaking hands for a moment, weighing my options. I wasn't quite ready to fully let go yet, so I cautiously brought up my right arm and bit down on the material that covered my index finger, pulling off my glove with my teeth and stashing it away into the pocket of my cloak once I was finished. I repeated the same procedure on my left hand while my right one found its way back to Logan's side.
Trying to ignore the fact that we were continuously speeding up, I squeezed my eyes shut and muttered “Done” against the back of his neck.
“Can you stretch your arms out to both sides? All the way out?”
“Uhm...”
“I've got ya, don't worry. You're safe.”
“Okay,” I whispered in defeat and made sure my legs were holding me up on the bike by contracting my muscles until they started hurting.
Pressing my lips together into a fine line and holding my breath, I finally lifted both my arms in one swift, brave move and reached out, my hands grasping into the air.
I let out a tiny gasp when the wind hit me with unexpected force, making the sleeves of my coat flutter and pressing my shoulders back a little bit. The cold air brushed over my exposed fingers like an icy caress and I turned my hands up and down to feel the sensation at every angle. My heart was still beating furiously, but most of the fear had disappeared in favor of a strange, adrenaline-induced excitement.
“Good, huh?” Logan asked and continued when he felt me nod against his body “Now you have to open your eyes and lean back a bit, okay? Think you can do that?”
Driven by a bold rush of courage, I lifted my head off his back and forced my eyes open, allowing my upper body to distance itself from his. The scream that escaped me when the wind blew the hood off my head and released my hair into its mercy was a mix of joy and surprise that made Logan chuckle.
He supported me with his arm as I let my body drop further back, turning my face up to the sky. We went faster and faster, the cold air starting to hurt my cheeks and hands a little, but I didn't care. The high of velocity had completely taken me over and made for an incredible adrenaline rush; especially in combination with the faint tingle of fear I still felt.
“I feel like I'm flying!” I shouted to Logan, releasing the thrill that ran through every nerve of my body. “This is amazing!”
“Does it feel like freedom?” he asked, picking up our conversation from earlier and suddenly I realized where all of this was coming from.
I wanted freedom, he gave it to me. It wasn't the kind of freedom I had originally had in mind, but this was so much better because it was his kind of it. And of course it didn't make my mutation go away, but it had taken my mind off it for a moment.
The gesture had a hint of adorable helplessness but most of all a desperate wish to make me happy written all over it, which made it one of the sweetest things anyone had ever done for me.
“Yes, yes it does. Oh my God!”
Even though I wanted to keep flying forever, the impulse to pull myself back up and give Logan the closest thing to a hug that was possible in this position was stronger.
My body thumped back against his and my arms were immediately wrapped around him again; not out of fear this time, but out of a heartfelt wave of affection that I had to pass on to him. I kissed his neck through the protection of thick his hair, whispering my gratitude into it.
~x~
“Have you ever tried to control it?”
I looked up from the steaming cup of coffee that stood on the table before me, meeting Logan's gaze with a puzzled expression on my face.
“What do you mean, control it?”
We had decided to make a short stop to have something to eat and warm up a little and were now sitting in a small diner side by side. I was pressing my bare hands against the coffee mug in an attempt to defrost my numb fingers and almost felt like a regular person.
Regular people occasionally had cold hands, because they weren't constantly protected by gloves.
Sometimes I forgot about that.
“Well, sort of turn it on and off, ya know? Just like the Professor can decide whose thoughts he wants to read and when, instead of having everybody in his head all the time. And that girl who can walk through walls doesn't just fall through the floor when she doesn't want to,” Logan explained, distractedly running his hand up and down my thigh under the table.
“I don't know if I'm able to do that,” I mumbled. “I wouldn't know how to.”
We exchanged a solemn look, both of us aware that the Professor was probably the only one who could help me with something like that.
“You can just...try.” Logan suggested, offering me an alternative that allowed me to delay my return to the school but work on solving the problems my mutation caused at the same time.
He of all people would know that sitting around and doing nothing – or not being able to do anything – about a pressing issue could be one of the most frustrating experiences in the world.
He placed his hand flat on the table, dangerously close to my exposed fingers.
“Right now? In here?” I asked insecurely, scanning the area around us to make sure nobody was paying any attention.
Logan had chosen our table wisely; in a corner in the very back of the diner where he could block both me and his face from everyone's view simply by turning his back towards them.
Had it been anyone else to practically cage me between his body, the table and 2 walls, I would probably have felt cornered; but Logan's presence made me feel comfortable.
He placed a calming hand on my knee, running his thumb up and down in soothing movements.
“You don't have to. No pressure, darling.”
I nodded and loosened my grip on the cup of coffee, gathering my hands in my lap. Logan seemed to be dead set on improving my life and personal happiness today by pushing me to do things that I was afraid of.
But it had worked extremely well last time and I knew that he would never make me do anything I wasn't comfortable with. Besides, I had touched him before and we both knew when to pull away, so I didn't have to be too scared of accidentally knocking him out. The only fear that I felt slowly inching up my back was that of failure. As long as I didn't make any efforts to keep my skin under control, I couldn't fail and be disappointed by it. But I also knew that I couldn't succeed if I didn't try...
I flashed a quick half-smile at Logan's worried face and reached out for his hand on my leg, covering it with my own. My mutation needed a moment to get started and I seized that split second to memorize the feel of his hand as accurately as I could. I had never held his hand without a barrier of clothing between us before, so this small touch meant a lot.
His skin was rough but as as much so as I had expected. I traced his knuckles with my thumb, feeling the softness of the spots that had healed an uncountable amount of times.
The flow of Logan's powers and the contents of his mind into me started out slowly, as nothing but a soft drizzle. It gradually progressed into a stream that grew stronger until we both started trembling and his essence was practically shoved into me with violent force. Images and thoughts flooded my brain, making me feel dizzy and concentration almost impossible.
'You can do it,' Logan's voice echoed in my head and I wasn't sure whether he had said it aloud or just thought it, but it gave me hope.
I squeezed my eyes shut and focused on creating some kind of dam inside myself, pushing all the walls I could manage to build against the flood that came from him.
A low whimper slipped from my lips as the walls kept breaking down and I felt Logan begin to pull his hand away from under mine; not because he was worried about himself but because he saw I was having some difficulties with adapting to the situation. I held on tight to his hand for a couple more seconds though and with one last effort, I mentally pushed against him with all my remaining strength.
What happened in the following moment was hard to comprehend; all I knew was that I suddenly found myself collapsing against Logan's chest while he let out a gasp of pain and surprise and fell forward as well, his chin colliding with my shoulder. We remained in that position for a few seconds, catching our breath and letting each other's presence calm us down.
“Sorry,” Logan finally muttered, kissing my shoulder through my shirt. “Did I hurt you?”
“No, I'm fine,” I replied slowly as my vision cleared up and the world around me stopped spinning. “What just happened?”
With a groan full of pain, he lifted his weight off me and steadied himself holding on to the table while sliding his other arm around my shoulders.
“I think you just slapped me with your mind.”
“Sorry,” I repeated his earlier words and snuggled into the embrace.
“'s okay. It was good.”
I couldn't help but laugh at that, rubbing my cheek against his shoulder. “Yeah, you into that kinda thing?”
He chuckled quietly and kissed the top of my head. “You pushed me out, that was good.”
“I did, didn't I?” I mused in wonder.
My powers had stopped working a split second before I had pulled my hand away. Of course causing Logan even more pain by trying not to suck his powers than I normally did had not been part of the plan...
“Let me recover for a bit and we'll try again tonight, okay?” he interrupted my thoughts.
In spite of his exhausted state, I could tell how excited he was about this and it was hard not to have it rub off on me.
“Okay,” I replied, a bewildered smile spreading across my face.
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Chapter End Notes:
there we go, Marie has found herself a new life coach --- just kidding ;)
I'm a little insecure about the whole motorcycle scene...it looked good in my head and it would have been great as a scene in a movie, but I'm not sure it really works in written form...what did you think? :)
I'm a little insecure about the whole motorcycle scene...it looked good in my head and it would have been great as a scene in a movie, but I'm not sure it really works in written form...what did you think? :)