Five years after the human-mutant war and things were so much calmer. The mutants and their allies had won and were now liberated. Everyone in the US either approved of them being out in the open and using their mutations, kept quiet about not approving or had left entirely for less accepting countries. Yes, everything had worked out just as Charles Xavier had intended. His school was bursting at the seams with children, all eager to learn how to use their mutations to get better jobs and his staff hadn't touched the leather uniforms now collecting dust in the basement in over four years.
"Everything is perfect." Charles whispered, trying to convince himself that those weren't tears dripping off his face onto his most recent bank statement. He buried his face in his hands. Oh god, he had a serious problem.
Rogue grabbed a towel and hit the button to turn off the sim in the Danger Room. She wiped the sweat off of her face and kicked out at Jubilee who was lying on the floor in the fetal position, panting.
"Chick, get your ass up. It wasn't that bad."
"Roguey, you're seriously messed in the head. How was that anything but bad? We were just rocking Extreme mode. No one does that."
"I do. I've been doing it for weeks. I need to look killer for the Halloween contest I'm entering in New York City next month. A sexy bod is a must." She struck a fashion model pose with her hand on her hip before turning on her heel and strutting away.
"Better work on that ass a little more. I think you've been putting on a little bit a weight since we got outta the saving the world business. Especially if you plan on wearing that cat-woman outfit I saw you sewing on other day. Leather and cellulite are a total no win combo." She grunted her way to her feet, pushing her hips out in front of her to stretch her back.
Rogue raced back over, jabbing her finger into Jubilee's stomach and sinking in a little more than she should have.
"You think you're doing any better? Bitch please. You do realize you're not little miss sexy anymore, right?! What did you do? Put up a cot in the McDonalds parking lot so you can get your McHappy whenever the mood strikes?" Rogue did an up and down scan of Jubilee's body. "Which evidently is quite often."
"Ok sweet-potato queen. It's fucking on." Jubilee flung herself at Rogue, taking her down in a completely unpracticed fashion, forgetting every scrap of martial arts training that was stored in her head. She started slapping at Rogue, half sitting on top of her and trying to avoid the killer legs that Rogue was trying to wrap her in.
Rogue raised her eyebrow before pushing Jubes straight off and over onto her back, jumping up to straddle her and grabbing her hands. Shit, why did she always forget about the super strength? Then Rogue decided to use Jubes' hands as weapons. "Why you hitting yourself Jubie? Huh? Why you hitting yourself?" Bitch was smiling.
Jubes stopped struggling and snorted. "You know, you're a crazy fucker." Rogue stopped the attack and pressed Jubilee's hands into the mat, leaning over slightly to whisper in her face. "You give?"
Dude, this chick was scary when she wanted to be. "Yeah, if you stop breathing on me until after you brush your teeth." Rogue's smile just got wider and she leaned down a little more, inhaling to no doubt unleash another toxic bomb, when they both heard the beep of the door being opened.
Bobby's head appeared and his eyes got comically wide. "Shit, I thought you were just playing DDR, not getting it on in the danger room. I would've joined you had I known."
Rogue looked at him "We were playing DDR. Though, we could still kick your ass at that game even while having sex." Rogue and Jubilee met eyes before rolling apart onto the mat, laughing at the mental picture and holding their stomachs. "The pain," Jubes squeaked, holding her over used muscles.
His eyes narrowed. "Yo. Focus. The prof needs us in his office. Today!" He left.
Jubes turned her head to Rogue, "He's been hanging out with Scott waaaayyyy too much lately."
"Don't I know it. Two days ago, in the laundry room, he took all of my clothes out of my basket and started folding them. Then he organized where they went in the basket, saying it would help with wrinkles. Didn't want to listen to the fact that I hang all of my shit. I just had to unfold it all when I got back to my room." She rolled her eyes.
"What a fucking weirdo." Jubes said as they got up, clutching at each other and hobbling to the door.
"Good job, Bobby." Scott praised as the final people filed into the office. All of the adults in the mansion were currently standing or sitting in front of Xavier, bar Logan, who was out on an "important mission". Rogue grinned. She was the only one who knew that the mission's object was to get a year's supply of Cuban cigars from a dealer he knew in Florida. He'd better bring her back something nice as payment for not letting her tag along. Not cool, leaving your southern best friend in frickin' New York, where it was just starting to get cold, to go to beautiful beaches and oodles of sunshine. Even if it was a short trip, it still was a sucky thing to do.
She started tapping her foot, trying to figure out what reason necessitated calling them all into the office like this. They hadn't sunk anyone's bed, with them in it, surrounded by a force field into the lake in months and really, how were they even blamed for that the first time? Pyro had been acting like a total ass and definitely deserved it. And they'd eventually gone out to get him after giving him a bit to cool off.
Think, think, think. Oh shit, had Xavier figured out that her, Jubes and Kitty were running that somewhat illegal high stakes poker game down the road at Ginny's Bar? The one that most of the X-Men participated in and lost their asses at to the Wolverine, the reigning champion? It wasn't just the X-Men in on that anyway. They were taking way more people's money than that.
No Rogue, I wasn't aware of that. But now I would like to talk to the three of you regarding this matter.
Rouge winced. Oops. Busted. She felt Kitty's eyes burning into the back of her head and mouthed the word "sorry" to both of the girls, who pointed finger guns at her and pulled the trigger. Ouch. That hurt.
Time to get things rolling. She looked at Charles. No pun intended. "What's up, Professor?"
Everyone started throwing out ideas, each overlapping the other until a wall of noise seemed to be driving straight into his head.
Jean: "Do we need to rescue some baby pandas again? I hope so! They were so cute! We really should keep one next time Professor. No one in the world would love it like I can."
Scott: "Oh, please tell me you're going to address the horrible dress code violations that everyone has been partaking in. Adults wearing hooker boots and short skirts! Fishnet shirts are showing up everywhere! And Jubilee was running around half naked a few days ago. That just isn't really appropriate.
Jubilee, to Scott: "What do you mean? You run around shirtless all the time. Why the fuck can't the rest of us? It was eight million degrees outside. What did you want me to do? Melt?"
Bobby: "I really think we need to rework the room assignments again professor. I know it was my fault that we moved last time, but being in a room next to Remy is killing me. If I have to hear 'Right there baby. Remy loves that,' in that nasty-ass accent one more time, I'm going to slice my ears off. Then they're going to run away from here and adventure out on their own only to eventually wilt in poverty and die of AIDS. And that would still be a better fate for them than being subjected to that." He pointed at Remy.
Remy, to Bobby: "You just jealous of Remy's charm. The ladies all love Remy. When the last time you got laid, homme?"
Bobby, back at Remy: "And what the fuck is it with the third person? How long have you been in fucking America? Pretend to have a brain."
Kitty: "Professor, that tournament really isn't what you're thinking. We were saving up our ten percent off the top so we could write a big check to the local domestic abuse shelter. It was really all for the greater good. You would've read about it all in the paper after the fact because we didn't want it to look like we were doing it for the fame. Until Rogue fucked up the surprise." Kitty's voice was freaky when she was pissed and if looks translated to actions, Rogue would've been tacked to her seat with twenty daggers.
Rogue: quivered in the face of Kitty's rage.
Hank: "People need to learn no to touch my things. There is an extraordinary supply closet on the third floor where a person can get anything they want for personal reasons. NO ONE needs to poof their way into my lab to get a condom, knocking over my time consuming, genetics altering, amazing experiments because they were too fucking excited to get back to their fuck buddy to be careful."
Storm, to Hank: "Fuck buddy? Really? The prescription for my pill expired and you haven't had the time because of your stupid experiments to write me a new one. You want more little children around this place? You think we mess with your experiments? I would train my kid to jump on your table at every chance just to pay you back. What kind of doctor won't even see his patient?
Kurt, to Hank: "And, you keep changing the location of the closet so I can never find it. I know where the master cabinet is. I use that."
St. John: "I think we should talk boundaries when it comes to food. We each have a favorite ice cream. Mine, as everyone knows, is Rocky Road. Someone in this room ate my Rocky Road. And he's pretending that he only reads Russian so he won't get in trouble."
Pete, to St. John: "I didn't see anything that said it belonged to you. I was craving chocolate. Eat me."
St. John, back to Pete: "Do you taste like Rocky Road now? Because I just might. All Rocky Road belongs to me! Learn that!"
Through all of this, Charles was trying to get everyone back in line. "Everyone, please calm down." No one even hesitated. He cleared his throat and tried a little louder. "Please, be quiet." Still nothing. "Children!" at the top of his voice still garnered no results.
Fine. Time to play dirty. He pictured a drum line, cymbals crashing, bass drums pounding away, with a crazy quad pattern overlaying it all, cranked the volume beyond reasonable and shoved the thought into everyone's brain.
Collectively, they all shut up with a groan and covered their ears, as if it could help the issue. He grinned at the group.
"Now, are we going to play nice?" Mute nods. "Good." He cut the sound and heard everyone exhale in relief. "Just to make you all aware, I don't think this idle time is doing much for interpersonal relationships at the mansion. Dr. Phil would have a field day with you people."
He cleared his throat again. "Now, to business. I called you in here for a reason and it has nothing to do with anything previously brought up. We are in a bit of a financial crisis." He heard gasps from around the room. "Before the war, silent donors who wanted to support mutants in their fight for equality mostly funded the school. Now that we have reached equal footing with our human brothers, we no longer have that income. The tuition that the students pay only goes so far and we cannot up it enough to cover all the expenses. If we tried, no one could afford to attend anymore. With all the training of mutations we do, along with paying for all of your expensive habits, it costs us a lot more to operate than other institutions." He looked around the room, seeing the seriousness of the situation sink into the gathering, knowing they were all excellent, reliable people when boredom wasn't riding so hard on their backs.
"So, my X-Men, we're about to embark on another mission. This mission is going to be dirty, tasteless and will force most of you to do things you've never done before. Please direct your attention to the screen over the fireplace."
Everyone adjusted their chairs so they could see well, focused now that they had something that needed taking care of.
Suddenly, a flash of green streaked across the screen. It zipped back into the frame and deposited a man in the center before dashing off again. The man fixed his dark hair and rubbed a hand down his mustache and beard before smiling and waving at the camera.
"Hi! Billy Mays here! Are you having problems with stalkers around your house at night? Need some delicate information extracted without the person's knowledge? Does that bridge just have to come down right now?" Each thing he chirped was illustrated by some poor human over acting their distress at the scene being described.
"If you have anything you need done that a normal human doesn't seem able to handle in a timely manner, just call the number flashing at the bottom of the screen. Xavier's List of mutants can fix all of your problems. Just listen to this satisfied customer."
The camera focused in on a robust lady with lilywhite skin, someone who obviously had never stepped foot in the sun. "Whenever I need help from a mutant, I always check Xavier's List. If you go though other companies, you never know if you're getting a good thing or not. The last mutant I hired from Xavier had all the weeds out of the garden and the place looking perfect in a fifth of the time it took my human gardener. That's progress!"
Billy came back on and flashed a thumbs up. "Wow, she sure sounded happy. You won't believe the things these people can do! Just call that number or check out his website to see what kind of services Xavier's List of mutants can perform for you. Xavier's List is where you need to go for all your mutant needs."
He looked as if he was going to walk away before turning back. "But wait! If you visit the site or call sometime within the next twenty minutes, we'll double your offer. That's right! Contact them now and you get not one, but TWO mutants to help you for the time you negotiate. How can you pass up that deal? Once again, call or check out their website."
The flash of green showed back up, turning into another man when he stopped moving. "This is Billy Mays telling you to check out Xavier's List. You won't be disappointed." With that, the two men flashed off of the screen, leaving a room full of shocked X-Men.
As one, they turned to look at Charles, who was sitting (more like hiding) behind his desk. He straightened when it didn't look like anything was going to be thrown.
"Rogue, Kitty, Jubilee, I believe you've done an excellent thing by starting that poker tournament. Up your portion of the entry fees to twenty percent and get that money to me weekly." The three girls started to perk up. "Though that contribution doesn't get you out of doing other things as needed by this." They collapsed back in their chairs, all hopes of getting out of this unscathed dashed like so many beer bottles at a cage match.
Scott looked up from his hands, which he had been studying pretty intently why Charles was talking. "Let me get this straight, Charles. You're now pretty much pimping us out to the world, to be used however they see fit."
Charles scanned everyone's face, seeing varying degrees of shock, disbelief and grudging acceptance. "Essentially, yes."
The Wolverine & Rogue Fanfiction Archive
Barely Legal Since 2000
Story Notes:
I needed something humorous to balance out Measure for Measure and this happened. I don't know how long it will be and I don't know how often I will update, but here it is. Also, this tends to be written more quickly than my other stories so mistakes are highly probable. Let me know if they get too excessive and I'll try to clean it up. FYI, the rating may change at some point, I just really don't know where this is going at the moment. Kiss kiss!
Author's Chapter Notes:
This thing is rabid. It's now 7AM and I'm posting it. I finished the chapter of Measure for Measure at 2AM. Then this thing hijacked my brain. Hope it's okay. Now I'm going to try to sleep until the last possible moment before I have to get up for work.
Chapter End Notes:
Well? What did we think? Worth continuing or just stupid late night ramblings? Let me know! Kiss kiss!